if you have it you know ityou dont usually question it 

you dont forget it

its tucked away deep and safe and sound in your gourd

you dont have to pull it out and wave it around for all to see  

because its yours  

and your lovers

                                       then why was he having trouble remembering its word

he went to say it to her

                 but it stumped himrefused to show its face

he said Isnt our time apart frustrating youIts frustrating me  I miss you  I miss our . . . . . .

(what?)

I miss our . . . . . .

it parked its ass around the corner hidden from him  though on the ground he could see its shadow  jetblack  by the light of day

You miss what she asked

No it wasnt compassion or passioncongeniality What was it

What do you miss

he had to take her off point switch it up  it wasnt coming to mindthe word   why?  Nevermind he said brusquely

Youre angry with me . . .

. . . Im frustratednot angry . . .

. . . Isnt frustration angry . . .

. . . No  Not for me   Its  maybe ansgty is betterIm not angry with you Upset  with you
I am unhappy with our situation  I am not unhappy with you

Youre not angry with me

No

Im sorry youre unhappy

Thank you   Please  No sorrys  Ive told you many times before everyone is responsible for their own happiness  We cant be dependent on another person for our happinessTheyre not responsible   That dependency would be at once wrongterribly wrong  and immature

Theres only one person responsible for our happiness and that is our self

Yes  Youre rightOf course youre right

Im sorry for the discordant telephone call  Well talk later tonight  Okay

Yesplease  Please call me later tonight   Im sorry youre unhappy . . .

. . . Not with you Im not unhappy with you

Yes

Ill call you later tonight

Yes    Please

Yes  Soon love

he hung up

what was the word he was looking for

baffled upset he went to take a swim in the lake 

the sun was beginning to fall

things were burgeoning  elated  anticipating the coming golden hue the birds roosted and called the cicada fine-tuned their chirps the fireflies primed their firetails

he plunged into the water off the long wood dock behind the stern of a tiedup yellow rowboat and stroked a lazy crawl to the platform floating on brightgreen painted 55 gallon drums 

every stroke he asked himself what was the word what was the wordWHY the hell didnt he have the word

he swam to the pontoon avoided its ladder grasped its flat twobyfour edge and yanked himself up onto it 

the rage in his head reached around the corner and grasped the shadowcaster by its throat and pulled it out into his visionOf course  Im such an asshole    and with his wetted finger he wrote it time and time again on the deck so he wouldnt forget when he called after dinner  dipped his finger in the lake and wrote it again and again and again

he wouldnt forget now

he swam back to shore before the purple in the sky went black and walked up the grassy knoll

he picked up a pine cone and hurled at a cluster clinging to a branch

several fell to the ground from the violence of its impact

Ah he muttered How could I forget

Intimacy

2002,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  22  2. 17

1912,  Friday,  24  2. 17