his pain reminded him of his bilateralness

which isnt something one usually thinks of

                                  EVER

but if he were cut stem to stern his skull the stem his asshole stern(yes yes  he had a stern asshole  if plucked hed be at whomevers throat had plucked it  his snapband wasnt to be fiddled with without dire consequences

unless of course he chose to have it fiddled  which wasnt unpleasant)

his pain incited an apathy which disgusted him

he was a passionate sort

his pain also rendered him to bide time which again wasnt something he would ever wish to admit    

though negotiating his pain he bided bit by bit 

it was in his knees and hips and wrists(his shoulders would have worked their way into the equation except one wasnt real  he had a cyborg replacement(arthroplasty) his humeral head was titanium his socket medical-industrial plastic
there was no way inflammation could conduct itself like a cold blue knife and wound his artifice) 

lopsided  only his remaining shoulder was painful 

which that was a blessing

as a onearmed man is blessed to have one arm

people dont often think of their natural blessings

they were oblivious to their obvious entitlement 

and when he presented that their common attributes were worthy of the term entitlement he reminded himself of a Faulkner line Intruder in the Dust: “its only men who burk at facts”

burk meaning murder by smothering

it was abstracted from William Burk who was executed in Edinburgh 1829 for murdering several people to sell their bodies for dissection

he could suppose that his words and consideration were a kind of dissection

though in his cutting he found that men preferred to hang on their words  they would double down deny or equivocate the reality of facts 

they argued if there was a universality to truth

he learned -- no surprise -- that children werent as ignorant as men and women who were undebased by men also were typically not as ignorant

men were like swine to mud

it wasnt that he was trying to be unkind to them

rather he admitted he was being unkind to the ignorance which inhabited them

he detested his apathy

detested biding his time

tock   tick    tock    tick    tock    tick    tock    tick    tock    tick    tock    tick    tock    tick    tock

pains honeydrip malaise

its Here and Now begrudging refusing to move along as if it recognised in its departure the next and the next and the next Here and Nows would desecrate its story defile its cave paintings deface its petroglyphs or perhaps it would never be recalled by his punk simian walnut

he knew he was doneup chained and shackled in his biding and apathy and the only way he could think better of himself was at very least that he could admitted them and his admission his awareness of them that then he might be able to minimise alter their effects on him and in his relationship with those around him for who he truly cared

as he saw it his fortune was immense

because he rarely found himself around the people he cared for 

an introvert a recluse possesses that distinct singularity arrangement advantage

he apologised 

            I feel bad Perhaps the next time I will be well and involved not nursing such distracting wounds

he hoped they accepted his apology

he didnt wish them to ever think he preferred or chose to abrogate how they felt

he was after all a passionate sort

   

Saturday evening,  14  5. 16

1436,  Twosday,  17 5. 16