“That really was an appalling scene at dinner last night . . .”

it was from an unopened letter to his mother he found in her desk after she had died




that must have been crushing





he ran it through the mill of his mind because he wrote his parents ceaselessly  

there wasnt twenty years between them  very little difference he thought particularly when he came of age in a time when Age was conferred on him at 18   to drink legally and his franchise to vote in the Presidential General Election affirmed
 
he chastised them often for not addressing the numerous questions he asked in his letters
whether separately or mulled together  
 
he reminded them they werent rhetorical  

he didnt write them to hear his breath or prattle



they were the reason he began mimeographing every letter he wrote anyone

he found they misrepresented him
 
they twisted his words or confused what he meant  
                                                                                      later when he talked with them on the telephone
after inadvertently and surprisingly made privy to bitter hearsay(loose-lips) or after having received a letter in which they mischaracterised his remarks  he incisively  coolly  read them exactly what he wrote from his mimeographs


then plaintively asked  Why?


his quotes(they called them accusations) hurled them to the wall like jet black shadows cast by brilliant klieglight

he reminded them he did not have to endure their slights simply because they were his parents

they should know him better than that


but maybe   terribly   they didnt know him at all


which frankly   wouldnt be hard to imagine


he as the eldest of eight kids was exceptionally low-maintenance   

for that he had ample loose chain to do as he wanted as long as he met the familial obligations they placed on him(look at him  Middle management)
 
his younger brothers and sisters were the imminent distractions that required and held their rapt parental attention and efforts


he could have allowed them reprieves
they could have been builtin

 
however  since ethically he held himself to a highbar anyone he associated himself with was also conferred(some said condemned) his highbar

if he was hard(some said unmerciful) on himself   why would he allow others to be less


they could be
 
they could act otherwise

they just couldnt have a relationship with him


he firmly appreciated that that was entirely fair


they were either In

or they were Out


he had been too long on his own and been away too long from where he was born(his father often remarked he was the only one of his children who ever said “When I dont live here anymore” convicted as a boy that he would not spend his life there   and did not)

perhaps it was that separateness which formed his hard edge

                                                                                                                        nevertheless*
        
his Family had no sway to commit violence against him anymore than a perfect stranger

0000,  Friday the Thirteenth  11. 15

* neuer þe lesse 
 
“While cleaning out his mother's desk after her death, (Christopher) Buckley found a number of unopened letters from him. One began: ‘That really was an appalling scene at dinner last night . . . ’

‘That was a crushing moment for me,’ Buckley says, pausing for a sip of iced tea and looking genuinely pained. ‘She had just died, and here I found that she had stopped opening my letters because so many were scolding about her behavior. It was horrible.’”

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/23/AR2009042304739.html