he was trying to lift the hazyreturn to a kind of normalcy – who likes that – return from the reelingthe unexpected  difficult    death is difficult reversals are difficultchallenging  and holding his own counsel he preached to the choir  

but its the stuff of Life

the mornings black coffee an dates werent going to avert or rectify itnot the not-so-daily Irish whiskey either

in the wake of his stream-of-consciousnessthe brisk chat between his consciousness and unconsciousness it roiled and tossed from its bed indignant  spoiled  having to be reminded Youre in this too the bland dumb look on its face it was in it it couldnt be an ostrichits head suck in the warm loam even if it wanted Yah  yah yah yah UnderstoodGot it I got it

It getting it was always the huge first step 

his Unconsciousness played an enormous part of his Consciousness  largerhe thought  than most people

he made his Unconsciousness dress in a priests collarnot that he believed in priests or what they believed  rather that the white stiff collar chaffing its throat suggested a kind of sobriety and discretion  avowed silence  something to confide in that would have his best interesttheir best interest at heart

his Unconsciousness would always finally get around to be his best counsel he had to contend with its preliminary bullshit an harhar reminding him that humour is the best medicinethe best disinfectant the best rosecoloured glassesthe brick hurtled through the glass wall of the glass house his reality lived inside like a freshcleaned mirror  reflecting

his uncle died 

he refused a surgery to remove a brain tumor that was already removed

his uncle understood his death was imminent  

he did too

but death is always unexpected

his mother was hospitalised because she neglected herselfa neglect that was only exceeded by her unmitigated concern for his fathers physical circumstances which were always diceyhed never met a better craps player

his cousin revealed she had breast cancer her sister died late last year too late to her breast cancer to remediate it
rendered in twothree months  rendered awful  but appropriate

                                                                    those were heaped atop his daughters boithday celebration which he adamantly refused to step back or away from for the news that found them

hed deal with it tomorrow

today was tomorrow

he was dealing with it

Consciously

Unconsciously

reckoning

You can run but you cant hide.

Yadont run from a bear

even his eight year old granddaughter knew that You make yourself BIG. Right, Grampa?

he smiled secretly he made the obscene wish she would never have to make herself BIG stand pat

inevitably

       everyone does

1154,  Monday,  30  4. 18

hate
      a strong word

Yaknow what I hate?

I hate gettin all spick an span squeakyclean fresh out of a shower toweledfresh  smelling like my favorite black pepper and ginger soap

                then have to take a shit
Mutherfucker 

Why didnt that mutherlode present itself fifteen minutes earlier so my sterling clean body could really dig itselframble out the doorHELLO WORLD  GOT SOME MIGHTY FINE MEAT HERE
instead spoiled  ought to jump back into the shower  

however  deflated likely to slip down the drain an out of the world like a freed pubic hair semen from sex in the showerblood from a heavy flow  Round an round it goes where it stops nobody knows

I hate taking a shit after I shower

1254,  Sunday,  22  4. 18

he whipped up a liver sausage sandwich onion slabs ground mustard greens kale an spinach multigrain sourdough laid it in a graniteware pie tin  beside it placed garlic pickle spears and root chips opened a cold beer poured three fingers of Klontarf and went into the livingroom sat on the sofa to watch Swept Away a film by Lina Wertmuller 

he watched it in Italianread the subtitles

not five in he stopped

he set his sandwich down took a pull from his beerthen a sip of his Irish  then he killed the film  

he thought he could watch it

he was mistaken

he left the sandwich half eatenleft the pickles and chips

he stared at the blackened screenlistened to the electronic static

the film wasfilm is transistional   it locked him in a time warp that didnt budge TimeStandingStill

he took his girlfriendlater to be his wife to Swept Away  one of their first dates

he immediately became engrossed enmeshed absorbed by the film he didnt notice if she was enjoying it or not she didnt know of his capacity to singularly focus on film he went off in its world traipsing across the screen as a minor characteran aside a ghost a spook  dates before had left him in theatres films then were twin bills he wasnt aware they were gone until at the first films endcredits running he turned to talk with them during the intermission

he took that time then to go into the lobby and telephone their homestalk wth their parentsusually their fathers to confirm they were home safe Yah, she called, I came and picked her up. So what the hell? he thanked them curtly without answering their What the hell he had told his dates what the films were that they were going to see if they didnt want to see the filmsexperience them they should have said No. said Maybe another film, some other time? 

he anted-up gas money their tickets their popcorn or candy their soft drinks  and they slip away on him 

hell  maybe that was a test    mebbe

afterwards he didnt approached the girls who left him in the theatre to call Mommy or Daddy

if they yapped about him at school it stayed in their cliques  which meant nothing to him

Cece didnt leave he she drove she could havecould have left him high and drynot that he would see it as high and dry he always twisted thingstortured them into a better light had she left him she would only have inconvenienced him a little

actually she would have given him an unexpected experiencehe relished unexpected 

he usually bullied unexpected

unexpected didnt expect him either

Swept Away was shown in a camp Art house in Coconut Grove 

she did watch itshe talked to him of its sociopolitical awareness its frank humourous sexuality  

American films werent there yet they were Shoot em ups! Bang BANG YOURE DEAD because thats what Americans did Vietnam all these many years later was finally petering outon the ropes its fat cats were either losing money or not making enough  JesusChrist pull the miserable plug  Lets fuck with Latin America  Gold in dem der hills

when he asked her out for another foreign film she said  No thank you. Maybe some other film, some other time. she knew he was going whether she went with him or not which he did 

later that night she picked him up at the Art house and took him across the Rickenbacker to Key Biscayne

they had chilled Pouilly-Fuisse snacked on chicken slices of papaya off the trees in her backyard 

they smoked a joint  played on the blanket  held the beach until the sun rose

as he killed Swept Away he recognised that another film he wouldnt watch by himself was the farcical remake of Journey to the Center of the Earth (aww yeah  in 3D  No) Brendan Frasers -- later of Mummy fame – coming out vehicle he resented when film became a vehicle  remakes left him cold  only sex had sequels however his invitation was titillating  Spike had accepted she was coming Spike was the tongue-in-cheek nickname a mutual friend had given her thats another story he was very attracted her thats why he acceded despite their mutual friend touting heof all people had amended his way and conceded to see the remake

if Spike wasnt in the mix he wouldnt have gone anywhere near the theatre

then as it was they watched an altogether different film from everyone else as they sat side by side in the small town Art Deco theatre enjoyed something on another planein an alternate reality thrilled in a psychic commentariat that they took turns whispering from beginning to end  they irritated everyone sitting around themtook Hushes Would you be quiet?  but they couldnt help themselves if they tried    

he went to many films he wouldnt have if it hadnt been for Spikes presence and film by film by film he became more enamoured with her

finally Spike boned up and wondered how they might get in touch if they wanted to spend time together separate of the group secretly he almost swallowed his tongue Spike asked him for his number he obliged and as he wandered awayhe had a bus to catch she asked him if hed like her number duh he was that smooth

they were inseparable since

only recent circumstances illnessesfamily illnesses  put them at a physical distance

they made what time they could to spend time together

you learn to be happy with what you have

not with what you want

odd couples

Swept Away

a remade Journey to the Center of the Earth

hed never see either again 

his memory burned holes through them

1101,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  25  4. 18

1520,  Thursday,  26  4. 18

Siegel – Schwall Band  Do You Remember  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dp2JXchVv8

“In an interview with Fox & Friends (Fox & Friendshe didnt watch television – wasnt that a cartoon showsounds like a cartoon show  was the president doing voiceovers too) during the interview on Thursday after (Ronny) Jackson's withdrawal (to head the VA), Trump said Jackson ‘would have done a great job’ and ‘had a perfect record’ and called the allegations against him false.”

false

       the pot calling the kettle black   the pot went on to say “he wouldn't be surprised if Jackson wanted to withdraw given the rising storm, but that it was ‘his decision.’

"‘I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. What does he need it for? To be abused by a bunch of politicians that aren't thinking nicely about our country? I really don't think personally he should do it, but it's totally his — I would stand behind him — totally his decision.’"

                       totally his decision

hmm

         the pot said he wouldnt do it  and that he really didnt think personally he should

whats a cartoon character to do

the president has stood behind an AlaBAMBAMian paedophilehas stood behind White Nationalists his father Fred would have been very very proud  wait nuts  spelled it wrong  Nationalshits

if he was a cartoon character he wouldnt want the pot standing anywhere near himlet alone behind him  itd give him the heebiejeebies and he could only imagine how a skilled cartoonist might draw him to elicit heebiejeebies without him having to say so  itd be hilarious  cartoons lean toward the comedic   which is why he believed no one shouldnt come into this Life if they cant take a fuckin joke                                                                                  Stay Out

what was with the pot and lying

lying isnt an embellishment

lying is lying

0923,  Thursday,  26  4. 18

https://www.npr.org/2018/04/26/605471807/dr-ronny-jackson-withdraws-as-va-nominee?utm_source=npr_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=20180426&utm_campaign=breakingnews&utm_term=nprnews

http://www.slate.com/blogs/lexicon_valley/2014/12/22/the_pot_calling_the_kettle_black_is_the_idiom_offensive_racist_or_fair_game.html

Cohen will plead the Fifth

pot cant help himself

https://twitter.com/PhilipRucker/status/989478640009269248

or

https://www.msnbc.com/morning-joe/watch/trump-says-michael-cohen-represented-him-in-stormy-daniels-case-1219647555542?playlist=associated

1047,  Thursday,  26  4. 18

he saw her while he was writinghe was always writing  he lifted his eyes off the pageover the mug of black coffee he sipped and they fell onto her legslegs that went up and up and on and on forever that they caught his attention unnerved him typically he wasnt one to admire a womens legs  boys somewhere along the line find their attraction his was breasts the physical attraction is a lure however if he didnt find her brain attractiveshe was not involved  if she wasnt an excitinginciting tin woman from Oz his interest dissolved Oh look  he recognised her from around hed been called a prick more than once

sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me  he didnt remember when first he learned that little ditty but he took it to heart

someone might disappoint himhe might disappoint someone  he didnt see any point in crude accusations 

he didnt need to be liked or sought to have people like him

his sister called him a prick  You naturally have a way with peoplean inordinate way, what's Maw say, whatyes, youre charming. You are very charming. People are naturally drawn to you, charisma. Charismatic. You are. Yet you don’t care that you are, you can take people or leave them. Sometimes, sometimes, you’re cruel, very cruel.

I like you hed say

I love you. But you’re a prick.

Everyone has shortcomings baby  Everyone

What’s mine?

Id have to think on that  Youre pretty wonderful  I idealise you so I scarcely look for faults in youIm not trying to have sex with you

See?  Prick.

Awright
         If I were to find fault in you Id say youre too compassionatethat you will step aside and enable someone to exceed you  I feel that while one can help another they do not do it to their deficit  There should be no one more important to you than yourself  Selfish  Maybe   But one cant possibly love another if they do not love themselves first

I feel that compassion like respect is earnedis hard won

Is that prickish since you asked

No. I know that about you, your compassion. 

You feel I’m a soft touch.

You are a soft touch  If we were walking down the street together an a homeless person was asking for moneytheyd ask you  their asking you to me is meant like secondary smoke  Im rarely asked directly for money

Eat your dog. 

Yes

his no nonsense preceded him  a supposed homeless person once asked him for money for food  the beggar had a dog  This your dog he asked You feed him  He’s my dog  Then if youre hungry as you say  eat your dog

prick

her legs went on and on  up under a short skirt  pleated  it movedit flattered her legs

he sipped his coffee it cooled substantial since last he sipped it  he was writing

he stood

he walked over to her Seems we keep running into each other My names Joe My coffees gone cold I wondered if I could buy you a cup  I wouldnt be so forwardyes I would  could I buy you a cup of Joe

Joe? Are you usually so clever?

Are you

I am.

Then Legs you should let me buy you a cup of coffee  If you have a little time to talk that would be wonderfulif not Id still like to buy you a cup of coffee

Legs?

Yes  You have great stems

Stems?

Vernacular  I wont spoil it for you  Look it up

Look it up. You won’t get a girl a break?

You dont appear to need  or want a break

Legs. I like it. I used to dance.

Athletic  Your legs reveal that

You think a dancer is an athlete?

Coordination Agility Stamina  Athletic

A man of few words.

And while Im eating  none

Joe, nice to finally meet you. Unfortunately I can't stay, can I have a raincheck?

For the small price of your number

she laughed

she took the pen from behind his ear where absently he always tucked it

she took his hand by the wrist and wrote her number on his palm There. You’ll never wash this hand again, will you? she laughed  her mouth open

Eventually but not before I memorise your number What will you have  Something exotic frothy  a touch of Torani syrup

Black, please.

Espresso

I think not. Espresso works me up too much, at least for the middle of the day.

Ill remember to treat you to an espresso at the end of an evening

Joe. Are you trouble?

I wouldnt say trouble More like a handful

she smiled

she left without sharing her name

evidently Legs appealed to her

 

dream-augmented piece,  0929,  Twosday,  24  4. 18

What are you doing, boy? It’s beautiful outside, you ought to be out.

Nobodys around today

You need to have someone with you to enjoy the day?

Its more fun

More fun? What’s more fun than finding the dinosaur skeleton you keep telling me you’re going to find?

What

Dinosaurs roamed the whole planet.

They didnt roam Chicago

Chicago wasn’t always Chicago. It was part of a vast prairie, a grassland, untold prehistoric animals roamed what was Chicago, they went right up to the lake, drank from it, probably where Oak Street Beach is now, where we take you swimming.

You think

I think, I think you ought to go downstairs into the basement and get one of Grampa’s shovels, a spade, and start digging in our backyard, back near the alley, in the earth behind the incinerator.

Do you really think theres dinosaur bones there

If not there, likely somewhere else, but you’re not going to know unless you dig.

he thought about it then he thought why hadnt he thought of it if he would have asked to dig up the backyard obviously she would have let him let him dig for dinosaur bones as she was sending him out to now

What a dummy he thought

Okay Gramma Im going to find a bonemaybe a whole skeleton

That’s my boy.

his mother came home later that afternoon

she walked up behind her mother who was hanging laundry on the outdoor back porch What’s Joe up to?

He’s digging for dinosaur bones.

Dinosaur bones.  You’re okay with that? He’s dug a pretty deep hole.

I told him he was going to have to dig deep, but to be careful not so deep that he dug all the way to China.

You didn’t.

I did.

I think there’s something more to this than meets the eye.

Yes. It was a beautiful day and he was inside reading because he had no one to play with. I thought he should be outside.

So you incentivized him?

In a manner of speaking. He’ll sleep good tonight.

Joe! Joe!

Yes Gramma

Time to start filling the hole in, can’t leave it open, have someone fall in it and hurt themselves.

he was better-than-waist-deep in it

he turned to face her as she stood on the back porch among the fluttering clothing  stood holding the shovel in his hands earth piled to one side

Push the soil back, don’t pack it, if you think the hole looks promising you can dig again tomorrow, the earth will be soft, you’ll get through it in no time.

he wasnt completely convinced

Hurry now! You have to clean up before dinner too. We’ll be eating in fifteen, twenty minutes. Hurry!

goodness  he was really hungry he crawled out of the hole and began pushing earth nearest the edge into it he realised it was going to take no time at all

he was hungry

his mother was setting the table for dinner in the kitchen when her mother returned and took the homemade bread loaves from the oven to cool  You’ve incentivized him yet again.

Not to his knowledge, Karol. He’s looking for dinosaur bones. And they’re buried.

How long do you think he’ll keep this up?

He’s a focused little boy. How long do you think he’ll keep it up?

I think he’ll keep it up as long as you let him dig.

I think as much too.

Or until he finds dinosaur bones.

0929,  Monday,  23  4. 18 

Bohren & der Club of Gore  Death End Angels  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuKVDJXUQnc

the shit ya read

some of it turns a crank like a meat grinder organ grinder  chimp bangs their tin cup on your skullbeating you senselessinto submission

                            provokes a keen idea

“. . was not a samurai spirit. Like most of common humanity, she would cling to life until the last undignified moment.”

let that sink in for a moment as he did

                                        let undignified stick its nervy tentacles into your sensesdig into your eyes lacerate your tongue slither down your throat gagging you  cant draw a breath   choke piss an shit yourself 

“Hoping for some miracle. Begging for mercy.”

he replies to her “. . every time I take a life, I know the value of it.”

“The value of it. The value of a human life. . It has no value, intrinsic to itself . . Machines cost money to build. Raw materials cost money to extract. But people? You can always get more people. They reproduce like cancer cells . . They are abundant . . Why should they be valuable? . . Real human flesh is cheaper than a machine. It’s the axiomatic truth of our time.”

he bookmarked those passages so he wouldnt lose them

they were awful  truths? 

granted it was a scifi

                        but scifi has a propensity of foretelling the future it almost singlehandedly erases our plausible deniability that we feebly want to cling to murmur ignoranceya dont get to say you were ignorant because ya chose not to be informed

he struggled imagining ignorance

he tried as best he could to extend his nerveendings outside his body exceeding his skin that buffered them looking like a simian pincushion a riled porcupineHA hedgehog  bristled so that he couldnt movehed snap off quills expose firing synapses overwhelm neurons sear and cauterise the convolutions that rippled his brain

he couldnt be informed enough

he parsed fact from fiction from disinformation from propaganda  honesty from dishonesty  he knew the value of the produce hawked at the marketplace of ideas

when he was really irritated he wore an black RVCA t-shirt CURE IGNORANCE etched above a hand holding an opened book

yah the shit ya read

1054,  Sunday,  22 4. 18

https://www.forbes.com/sites/briankmiller/2017/12/04/theres-no-need-to-compel-speech-the-marketplace-of-ideas-is-working/#13654a64e68b