it is easy to be bound up in ones own time an lifeforgetting the past  forgetting the future

he put DeLillos White Noise down on the long flat chest in the living room and picked up Wildes The Picture of Dorian Gray to read as he walked to the gym  not two pages in from where he left off two days earlier he read  his guardians . . were extremely old-fashioned people and did not realise that we live in an age when unnecessary things are our only necessities; and there were several courteously worded communications from . . money-lenders offering to advance (sum’s) of money at a moment’s notice and at the most reasonable rates of interest(pgs 103 and 104  July, 1890)

he lifted his eyestipped the book forward in his hands and watched a kit of pigeons race over street and as suddenly disappear behind the winter thatch branches the crosshatching of a hard line of elderly trees  perhaps as old as Wildes story

the words and the birds and the trees arrested him 

they treated the mischief that was arising in him kindly  a sleek mindfulness 

they also reminded him of last nightreminded him how his friendnot an adversary suggested the more appropriate term in regards to his thinking was refinement not distillation as he assessed it  and him arguing the point was ridiculousnearly petty  it was after all a matter of degreeswasnt it wasnt he splitting hairs . . refine distill

did the label really matter     

beneath the nowempty blue sky he recited over a wing of Grays book  a kit of pigeons bevy of quail brood of hens bouquet of pheasants a cast of hawkscharm of finches  a company of parrots  a descent of woodpeckers   a deceit of lapwings

it always matters what someone else thinks 

                                  another shouldnt be dismissiveshouldnt be a kind of puppetmaster preferring their terms inciting their terminology or fixes

shaddup an listen

this same friend  who he was reevaluating now standing in the street gutter had also deliberated with him on the matter of relationships and temptations

he said The virtueodd to call it a virtuevirtues not usually rolling around in my mouth  but the virtue of a good honest relationship is that temptations are minimised

Temptations are minimised  Are you dead

Excuse me

Christ every woman I meet I’m sizing up how they might fuck

Fuck

Yes

Because youre so fuckable

Manif I looked like youwere built like you I’m sure I’d be fucking something strange every night 

Youre a married man 

I aint dead

No nono no   Looking  you aint dead

Are you so unhappy in your wife . .

. . STOP

You don’t get to say anything about marriagemy marriage  You’re single   You’ve only got a girlfriend

I have a relationship

You didn’t vow her anythingpromise her a thing

I dont have to vow or promise or pledge  profess  commit  or assure  I have a relationship with her a good relationship an I wouldnt have entered into it if I couldnt be honest an expect honesty in return 

Youre acting horriblyspeaking horribly  You think youre wife thinks about what it would be like to fuck every man she happens to meet

She probably thinks that . .

. . Because you think that . .

. . Because she’s only human  Just like me

I know Susan  Shes sweet  She loves you  Shes devoted to you   But maybe you think she naïve because youre thinking how you think

I don’t believe you  Every guy meets a woman he thinks how it would be to fuck her

Perhaps youre right  for every guy whos in a bad relationship an hasnt the balls to confront it  try to improve it

Or leave it

Youre telling me to leave Susan

Im telling you to quit being unfaithful to her

I haven’t fucked anyone

You want to

I remember strange

Strange remember you 

                           

What

Does strange  that womanthat person that nameless assigned strange  do you think they remember you

I don’t know

Good chance if you dont remember them they dont remember you . .

. . And you’re strange remembers you   

I wasnt into strange  I had tumbles an I remember them  I like to think Im remembered because I slept with a person  Not a piece of ass  Id imagine that too is your parlay if were parsing terms splitting hairs

If the truth be known . .

. . In full disclosure  

Youre better serviced leaving the truth out of any explanations you might have for me

What a prick

Im the prick

I’m out of here

Yes  Please   

Didnt think youd wed end up here  But apparently something has eroded in the time since we last spokesaw each other  Or perhaps we talked about the wrong things then

1404,  Thursday,  28 12. 17

Shocking Blue  Venus  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4cyOidePGQ

texts

those fucking insidious communiquessterile letters stamped in cold space rather than warm words expelledspoken face-to-face or over a telephone

their words deny inflection  encourage misperceptions  negate body languagefacial expressions

then throw atop the texts their pervasive shorthandtheir ridiculous emojis as if everyone were a ignorant fucking child

:  i feel like a failure   bad dreams  and i feel i’m neglecting everyone who matters.

:  Who are you neglecting?  Can’t be a string of people.

he didnt like it when anyone used everyonethrew they at him as if he would know who everyone and they were  usually everyone they them werent who were implied

when you talked with him you had better be explicit

he might have been the first XXX-person ever born

:  i guess just you. and i feel my mom.

:  No   you’re definitely N O T neglecting your mom.

:  but you?

:  I don’t believe you’re neglecting me.  A pretty simple question you can ask yourself.

:  i love you.

:  I love you.  Quit doubting yourself – you’re a good person. 

he also didnt care that she wrote about herself as i  rather than I   or rather I 

he rather she wrote and regarded herself as a I-beam a battering ram ewe a significant person who had to watch her backwho had to stand up for her wordsher actionsher thoughts  with reason   with fact

not emotionally bludgeoned

because thats who he was

not that she should be him

only that she should be like him

she should value herself firstforemost  and never be a patsy for anyone

never be his patsy

not that he would have her suffer that

family and friends crawled with abusers like termites in a wall

if you were a wall it was their nature to infect youinfest you 

it was then incumbentyour nature to disinfect disinfest      

a miserable backanforth played over generations

it is human nature

it is humanunkind

HA!  it is what makes the world go round

                                 make no mistake  it is a bellwether: the worldthe planets going to continue to go around and around

                   humanunkind will be sluffed

neglected

        as it neglected its responsibilities its filiality its religious shepherdness

the handsome snake continues to twine in the Tree of Knowledge for the next chimp chump or perhaps not to while along

      

1227,  Sunday,  24  12. 17

The Antlers  Parentheses  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bL_9M65Ked4

One broken wing,
Soaring and suffering,
Arm in a sling,
I don’t owe you anything.

I’m a bad absentee,
You know when I want to leave.
So close up your knees,
And I’ll close your parentheses.

I’m a bad amputee,
With no phantom memory.
So close up your knees,
And I’ll close your parentheses.