22.8.20


her sisterher older sister was the Homecoming Queen when he was a freshman

the Queen was one of the few blondes he ever took to  he didnt much care for blondes

Molly the Queens sister who he was dating was also  curiously  a blonde  she had great freckles were liberally sprinkled all over her body 
                              he found three on the bottom of her foot
he did like sprinkles


he liked to follow Mollys freckles kiss them minutely follow them down her throat to her chest create a furrow with her breasts and kiss from one side to the other and suckle her two biggest freckles

he loved how she squirmed under his deliberationshow she moved when he suckled herhow she sighed as he kissed slowly down her body how her body prickled how her sighs became pants


Molly was one of a handful of girls he slept who could lockupclasp his cock with their pussy literally felt like a hand
he couldnt toss them off his cock if he tried  their grip was firm

Molly was a gymnast agile muscular  feline   bendy
                                                           she gave impossible Gumby head 

Molly also took him in the ass that was strange he didnt know he could poke a girl there Prudes! Molly called others she was the first girl he ever did that with If it feels good, why shouldn’t you do it? even her ass had a grip although it didnt compete with her pussy



almost three months in he met Mollys sister The Queen
                                                            she was escaping a bad marriage

the way she told it was that she was the Trophy wife he hadnt heard of a Trophy wife before  

the Queen was beautiful tall erect voluptuous had a stately carriage

if she was on your arm if you possessed her  you were successful

the Queen also had brains

maybe her husband hadnt counted on that


they met at a garden party

he almost didnt go because Molly called it a garden party
                                                             Why would I want to go a garden party

My parents are throwing it, and they asked me to invite you.

FUCK  he was going to a garden party  Garb

Look nice; you cleanup nice, shirt, slacks . . 
. . Sandals

YeahOkay. It is a garden party; you might be the only one wearing sandals.  she smiled ruthlessly Wash your feet.

HAR
      he was to play a part one of a handful of times he conceded saying No thank you seemed a no-go Molly was no yo-yo she turned off prospects who wanted her eye he figured she thought he was a diamond in the rough
Nah  a rough diamond unwilling to be faceted
HAR Molly want a cracker

she kissed him fiercely
                         You’ll have a good time, you always manage good tim . . 
. . Usually at other peoples expense

Usually. Yes.  And I’m sure you’ll find your share of fat pigeons . . but . please be nice . . Molly wants a cracker later.

his cracker was hers

Christ hed fucked her throat  howd she breathe   he never asked



he met the Queen in the house  Janine she said

Joe he said Utilising the facilities

You know where you’re going? she looked him up and down discriminatingly

I do

You do?

Yes
     she still looked like the Homecoming Queen he saw in high school but to the Power of 2 her maturity softened her sharp edges the cheerleading and gymnast overtures   still crazyfit
                                                                    Yes Im Mollys boyfri . .
. . You’re Joe? she said it musically she stepped back a little furthur away taking him in more

he stepped forward towards her asif attracted by a magnet
                                                               Im Joe
Molly told me about you. she smiled
                                       She calls you insatiable he almost jumped out through the top of his skull but his hips caught and held him  he relaxed  he reentered
it was a blatant pause

he only did what was appropriate

he got a hard-onhe didnt try to hide his swelling 


Janine was a beautiful woman
                                 as beautiful as she was as a senior who he gazed at when she passed but freshman boys are the lowest form of life on the planet when considered in the high school food chain
                                                                                               but he wasnt a boy any more
he was Insatiable

Insatiable, yes. That’s what Molly calls you.
                                               she casually eyed his bulge Janine wanna cracker

Thats a compliment Ill take it Though unusual  Perhaps not for sisters

she smiled 
             I thought Molly was very generous.

Ah Understandable  But you hadnt met me

she continued to casually eye him

he eyed her athletic arm particularly her left hand  Molly said youre a leftie -- he was lefthanded -- hed never been with a lefthanded woman
                       Hows the garden party Ive never been to one before

My parents thrown one once a year. It’s considered an event in the community.

Never heard of it Must be from a different community

Where did you meet?

You got Insatiable but not the creation story

Janine laughed
                  No. I did not get the creation story.

Molly and I met the first of the year at a Polar Bear Dip  Some charity I understand I was rolling by and thought Whynot Never have Worth the experience
                                              We were the last two out She almost beat me
Arent Insatiable if someone wants it more than you

Hardly.

Yes Hardly


Well, Joe, it is nice to meet you. she turned slowly to retreat into the house Maybe you and your friend might want to come this way.

Were right behind you

Not too close.

Dont need to be

she laughed

he laughed

their laughter played gayly off the oilpaint walls




they enjoyed a torrid fuck that night in an ivory and palegreen striped cabana erected near the pool for the garden party

he did his Queen

Molly recognised the attraction Janine had for Joe and tried to make him jealous by getting a little tipsy and a little amorous with a younger colleague of her fathers
                                                    frankly a fit her father encouraged 
Molly must have forgotten he said he didnt do jealous he was confident in himself anif a woman decided to be attentive otherwise that was her druther

he wasnt there to make her happy 

her happiness was dependent on her



he didnt see either again


0536,  Twosday,  18  2. 20
1439,  Reggae Friday,  21  8. 20
Iron Butterly  Most Anything You Want  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QZdITJX6I0

21.8.20


when he had the occasion to trip down memory lane he astonished himself by how well he remembered his aunts and uncles and elderly cousins -- some so much older than he that he called them aunt and uncle out of respect – dear older family friends were also aunt and uncle out of respect – Instructed?  Yah  but with respect intended
they treated him with respect

family community seemed to mean more when he was a boy  tight-knit   his uncles went to war with strangers at their backs had theirs

they were intimates

they cared for each other

they retained their friendships after the war
                                              many were his uncles their wives his aunts

he didnt cross themthey didnt cross him

maybe when he was older he might have crossed themhe was accused of having strange ideas if they hadnt died but the way they treated each other felt like love

he felt safealways safe cared for nurtured even if he was denied what he wantedwhat he cleverly angled for or so he thought

he was probably obvious
                           they saw it they rebuked him though teased him with smiles and laughter gay winks hugs and kisses

usually he immediately forgot his disappointment 

he supposed he didnt need what he wanted

which isnt to say he didnt try again

he went about it from a different angle
                                          theres more than one way to skin a cat


he had cats now  never thought to skin one


from his older or elderly aunts and uncles he rarely got what he wanted no matter the angles he played

they must have talked among themselves and spread the word he was stymied one after the other

they acknowledged him

then they kindly shot him down

he learned to accept No learned to be refused he accepted it and moved on


thinking about it now it was a good way to learn to deal with rejection  take No because No meant No
hed never be a prick salesman 

he watched some of his cousins try tantrums not a wise angle or good look  was a great way to earn a crack on the ass then sat to the side and told to think about how they acted

he didnt remember ever throwing one 

his relativeshis aunts and uncles  as readily as they loved him they were as ready to spin him around and crack him too
    spare the rod spoil the child  no spoiled children in his family and extended family heaping helpings of punishment were as acceptable as the bouts of joyous laughter and playful ribbing

one didnt cross these people 

they knew shit from Shinola        




when he found time and slipped softly into reflection and memory their faces returned

often suspended in these moments he must have seemed catatonic to anyone who came upon him

theyd physically have to touch himnudge him to arouse him from his reverie

he got lost as easily in them as he did in his dreams


reality sucks  in a nice way

 0507,  Twosday,  18  2. 20
1140,  Reggae Friday,  21  8. 20
Beatles  Strawberry Fields Forever  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44GB53rnI3c 

$175K -- dead Americans


Pence thinks there is a miracle around the corner                                                                                                                             https://www.msnbc.com/11th-hour/watch/pandemic-expert-on-opening-schools-this-isn-t-going-to-go-well-90457669739
                                                                                             the Drumpf administration has been promising begging for a miracle for months. . It’s just going to go away

its going to be easier when they go awayWHEN  they go away
                                                                  Buhbye
2215,  Reggae Friday,  21  8. 20


he forced himselfhe gagged  food rarely made him gag
                                                           he was trying to eat a majority blackbruised banana he didnt throw food away or maybe  because despite himself  he had overlaid the darklingflesh superimposed on it ovary
a banana is an ovary 
yet
    he ate eggs raw ovaries nothing ever overlaid it not even if yolk was speckled with blood or if it was a fertilised egg and a little numbnut partially-formed  crunchy

he preferred food raw or as near raw as possible

steaks black and blue

steak tartare

thickcut liver  cold and pink between its seared flesh

sushi

parcooked parboiled vegetables


he was rarely thrown off by food
                                  Limburger cheese
what didntwhat wouldnt he eat

he didnt know yet
                    but blackbruised bananas they challenged him

his grandmother preferred her bananas overripe
                                                   when he squirmed about his bruised banana shed shut him up snatch the banana out of his hand and bite it like a beaver at a tree 
                                                               she ate it with relish

he probably ate them now to spite himself and as penance for the stink he made as a boy

shed eyeball him say something in Polish she spoke broken English if she wanted him to know what she meant he had a good idea she didnt want him to know what she thought of him in that moment peckerwood shitheel  grandparents were allowed to be derogatory of their grandchildren they werent their children 

when she became frustrated or angry and he was no slough engendering either in her the Polish slopped out over the top of its container hard guttural snarling  Polish
he wished he knew what she said

he wished he had the tongue to recreate it

Please he hoped it was vile  

he hoped it was I shit on your bed

Yes please  Shit on me too



bruised bananas
                      lyrical euphony   phonaesthetics


any opportunity he had to remember his grandmother he welcomed
0450,  Twosday,  18  2. 20
1554,  Thursday,  20  8. 20



6 months earlier they wanted to pay for his haircut – he still hadnt cut it


No thank you  I do however appreciate your thought 

they insisted

he declined he got his hair cut when he wanted Again no thank youbut thanks

they insisted more vigourously plainlynow upset

No Thank you
                  I know you appreciate I have a barber I prefer he cuts my hair I like to help support him  NOthankyou


they conceded
              though obviously irritated
not as irritated as he
                      he thought that they wanting him have his hair cut was audacious

he knew it came from a good place but they sprang it on himthe beautician out of the goodness of her own heart was coming to their home had they asked prior when she offered he also would have declined

he was a big boybeen on his own the eighteen years

hed make his own arrangements

when he wanted his hair cut


(he was bitching – just had to get it off his chest)

0511,  Monday,  17  2. 20
1247,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  19  8. 20

20.8.20



he went to ask what they were watching when he recognised that it was a reality television show on ABC its ghostly imprimatur in the lower righthand corner of the screen

the imprimatur reminded him of dried cat piss the discolouration the odor  it smelled like ABC
                                                                                                    JesusChrist he thought by now reality television would have died

he didnt have a TV he hadnt watched TV in twenty years except for professional football and hockey at a bar

he recalled the first shows that fascinated his wife and daughters Come! Sit down. Watch it with us.

he had a book to read  Ill sit with you

what he overheard was drivel spastic baby drool splashed on the small screen

somehow they ate it up and chided him for not watching

he laughed
            I think Im providing an excellent example of how not to submit to peer pressure

they didnt laugh they were abuzz at the nonsense they witnessed

Its not reality Any time someones got a camera on you and youre aware of it youre acting youre fake
                                                                                                           What was real that you just watched Youre watching the producers reality loosely-scripted encouraging particular outcomes fomenting phony drauma

Drauma, Dad, it’s drama.

Drauma Drama plus trauma
                               Im not interested in it Id rather read than watch that on television


they were ardent fans

twenty years later they were still watching it
                                                and yet he still couldnt understand their adamancy to have him sit with them ignoring it  and ignoring them
he didnt try to make them read

their choice

as he was welcome to his choice


he never understood the attraction
                                    perhaps it is the opiate of the masseshis coworkers frittered away breaks and lunches talking about the numerous shows the many characters the reality celebrities

if he entered the breakroom and overheard it he refreshed his coffee and kept right on going

he didnt ask any more than they would have asked him what he was reading

still his family tried to encourage him

Please Dont try to infect me Not going to happen I got books to read

he had workouts to do swimming to do saunas to take he had no time for inane productions

Life was too short

0711,  Monday,  17  2. 20
1212,  Thursday,  20  8. 20



he wondered how long hed been doing it mebbe innarested knowing since when since there was no end in sight 

he was good at doing things without knowing when they would end

he didnt look up head down
                                head down also applies to what happened before


he could probably backtrack – if he had time – who has that time – if he went through the reams of pages and notes  through the times days months years laid one on top the other like a perverse calendar
                                                                                            single leaf multiple leaves
stacks clutches side by sidemebbe three feet high on the long wall behind him

an exgirlfriend didnt attack him in anger
                                         she hit him below the beltdidnt women know that wasnt cool 

she strewn the pilesscattered them helter-skelter  

he didnt have time to shuffle the pages in order again

she said
          Just be happy I didnt burn ‘em.

an ex because she cheated on him  she thought he was cheating on her

like he ever had that kind of time or want

mebbe she forgot or wasnt listening when he told hershowed her repeatedly  he acted out of need   not want

You’re not ambitious.

Cheatings ambitious

Just be happy I didn’t burn them.

Had you Idve fingered you for it  an never look back



he tried not to let the turmoil bother him

he didnt need help creating disorder if thats what he wanted
                                                                 he didnt want

his book were similar stacked

he used clean typewriter paper folded in half to mark the page where he stopped

the paper was in case he found a passage he couldnt let go of
                                                                  he either made a notation what pagewhat paragraph or scribbled the words that inflamed him

hed use the compelling words then added his two cents always crediting the writer

every book he collected provoked him addled him

it was edifying the more he knew the less he knew

the books were gospel they were as necessary to him as was breathing eating urinating defecating
                                                                                                         none he did absently he tried always to be invested in the moment

when he revealed that in conversation he explained that if he genuinely appreciated his food and drink how could he pass without appreciating it again

he loved to shit just not after he showeredFuckno



No 
       he wouldnt look uplook ahead


he was going to be grateful for what he hadwhat would come
                                                                        unexpectedly

2109,  Monday,  17  2. 20
1639,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  19  8. 20

Joe Henderson  Chelsea Bridge  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mL-KEK_aY8