Whacha don know ya don know

 

he ought to take his own advise

 

7                                                                                                                                          5                                                                                                                                             5                                                                                                                                                   2

it was dark 

the numbers were obscured

when some light passed behind himflickering he couldnt hear anything he assumed it was car headlights through trees and branches

he knew there were four 

                           one by one he was able to make them out

first he thought they were painted on a square post black paint

then he recognised as he watched carefully that they threw dull reflections

                      7                                                                                                                                          5                                                                                                                                             5                                                                                                                                                   2

cut out of black metal or tin

 

numbers on a post in a thicket with nothing to speak of around or near it 

                                                                              numbers on a post 

curious

Whacha don know ya don know

 

it left him to numerology

7  12  17  19  1 plus 9   10  or  1

 

the number 10 he read resonates with the vibrations and energy of optimism confidence independence creative powers originality adaptability determination individuality

the number 1 resonates with the vibrations and energy of new beginnings creation independence motivation – seemed very much like 10 – striving willpower positiveness  self-reliance tenacity initiative 

                                                                                     overall creating ones own realities 

he liked that it was realities  not just reality

he liked that it was realities emerging from dreams

his daughter would be very proud of him 

0747  concluded 1123,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  31  3. 21

http://numerology-thenumbersandtheirmeanings.blogspot.com/p/attributes-of-numbers-0-to-10.html

 

 

WellShit he thought thered be something on the page when he opened to it

paper usually couldnt avoid the indignity of his scribbling 

                                                             particularly if it preferred black ink to red nibs to ball point

him itd always be ball point 

                               it wasnt that he wasnt fond of nibs and fresh ink but he spent five years in mechanical and architectural drawing  prejudiced for righthanders and instructors who wouldnt abide him when he flipped his board and T-Square to the right the room had to be uniform hed have to conform 

                                                                                     Cocksuckers  he was lefthanded

naturally he was a nonconformist

Not in my classroom, boy.

Boy   Boy being lefthanded he was the classroom nigger 

                                                             however when push came to shove they figuratively had to suck his cock none of the righthanded clowns in his drafting classes were sharper than he 

                                                                                                 which may have been inspired by him having to be surgical with nibs and ink taking great care not to smear what he just printed 

Hell must have Pains like that

 

he had an inklingHA of something going off in his head neurons sensingtingling  he was going to give it a moment

see if he had to duck shards of skullbone

 

 

WellShit 

        

             he thought he was more agile

he took a sliver just above his eyeball and like an icepick in the skilled hand of a lobotomist his lobe was shivered

he was pithed

he had nothing 

I got nothing

Nothing

Who was he writing 

Whas writing                               

 

the page was empty 

 

1038,  Monday,  29  3. 21

1328,  Twosday,  30  3. 21

 

               IHURT 

                                          thats whahe saw   whahe wrote

he tried to write it correctly

                          tried to separate it into subject verb  but he couldntthey refused to be parted

he was puzzled 

 

slowly it began to make sense

IHURT descriptor   he was in pain

he had physical emotional pain 

                                 he thought he might be able to remedy ithe remedied other physical pains ailments when he was hurt without analgesics 

he iced it

          he thought if he iced it he could reduce the inflammationthe swelling diminish it to perhaps   Ihurt 

then with the swelling down they might fall apart  fall separate

if it refused  maybe he could disguise it 

                                           purely cosmetic     eyhert  

the icing didnt work

he had to look at it differently 

see it differently 

                see how it might otherwise present   

then he might have or concoct another remedy  another solution 

                                                                                  IHURT 

           Ah 

               subjectverb  that action where he threatened to hurt others which ofcourse no amount of ice or analgesic might cure 

            anif not he  then perhaps it references the national problem  seemingly a national calling

positively unAmerican if one couldnt hurt another for any variety of disobedience insult perceived-wronging perception assume-challenged  entitlement see how he didnt go immediately for the bonethe jugular  racism

he was thinking out loud

                           because IHURT occurred to him while he was asleep while he dreamed and while he dreamed he began problem-solving composing  he composed until it woke him Get yer sorry assyer sorry self out of bed and get this down before I shut it down and blank your fucking memory – howdya like that muthafucker 

that threat moved him

he opened his eyes and IHURT was leaning over the bed looking him in the face

                                                                                     Whacha gonna make of me

Nothing Whadaya goin to reveal to me

 

hed keep at it

those were only twofor time being  perceptions 

hed continue to turn it around and aroundupside downinside out looking for other applications  hed muse for a while longer before he accepting either interpretation

 

IHURT

                it meant something

0717 – then 1018,  Monday,  29  3. 21

 

I’ve been giving some thought as to why, when I email buddies, they, for the most part, don’t get back to me.

Buddies

Yes. I write or text, I might as well be standing on my head; rarely does anything comeback to me. Mitch. One guy. Occasionally he’ll sling me a line, but usually it's not about what I wrote.

Ya hurt some feelings along the way

I don’t think so, I ‘ve known these guys since high school.

Since high school

You sound incredulous.

Wellyah frankly I am

You got high school buddies.

Boy friends

Stop.

that was a joke between them  he had girl friends and girlfriends and boy friends  his brother-in-law got creeped out when homosexuality was invoked  though he said he was okay with it 

                                                                            he wasnt  not really

High school friends  two   Recently a third

Two? 

Donsound incredulous 

Two. 

      And how often do you talk with them?

Telephone or otherwise

However.

Infrequently  but youif I remember correct  your graduating class was twohundredfifty

Thereabouts, yes, a little more.

But only a little more  not twoseventyfive not threehundred

No.

Small community  Intimate

                              My graduating class was nearly twelvehundred  Buddies  I havent a concept for buddies  How many buddies

Seven, eight. There are others, but not tight.

Class Reunions

Every five years.

Youve gone to all of them  Like church

Like church, com’on, not like church.

Youve gone to all of them

Yeah, sure.

Your buddies are still local say within a twentythirty mile radius

Yes. This is a beautiful place to live.

It is  Have houses

My friends have houses? Yes.

Entertain

How do you mean?

Entertain barbecues birthdays family friends

Yes.

Then bro count yourself fortunate and donworry about them not responding to emails texts They answer their cells when you call or you go to message and they call you in a day or two

Yes.

People have busy lives or theyre busy entertained by something thats captured their attentiontheir imagination

Okay. I could concede that.

Then concede

I could; but I’ve always seen myself as something of . an . . an . accelerant, oxygen feeding the fire.

Every dog has his day although from the inflection in your voice Id say you dog  youve had years

                                                                                                         Callings easier Words out of mouths not typed less energy frankly less time 

                                                                 An accelerant

Yes, an accelerant.

Hmm

What’s your hmm?

I hear celebrant

Not celebrant, accelerant.

Grease the rails Stoke the fire  Fires donburn forever 

                                                        Mebbe some of your friendships have run their course their orbits have grown wider and wider over the years 

A natural course Water erodes rock

Maybe.

Thank your lucky stars Call Convenient or rather more convenient then typing away on social mediahaving an audience typing away on a new phone they don understanddidnt understand the last one

Accelerate one at a timewill take more time but youll communicate get answers to your questions share insights 

You don’t?

I don

I don’t get it.

My buddies are twothousand miles away my choice  knew wha I was doin when I did it.   

1500-ish, Sunday,  28  3. 21

2234,  Sunday,  28  3. 21

Traffic  Stranger to Himself  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tROipfKCh0E

 

Sonofabitch thats one tenacious pubic hair

it clung to bowl above the waterline for three days

he tried to knock it downpssing on it  like it grew a taproot into the porcelain but finally this afternoon it weathered its last storm it shivered as it had been doing every day  but it finallyfinally let go

had he worn a cap he would have doffed it in honour 

                                                         a worthy adversary if ever a pubic hair could be an adversary

it reminded him of Jimmy Stewart dangling out the windowhangin on for dear life in Rear Window

tenacious  in extremis

                       start using Latin to describe a pubic hair  youve been gracedtake grace where you can find it he thought

 

Seriously?

Wha

You’re seriously talking to me about a pubic hair?

I am

Why would you do that?

Im citing its tenacity

It wasn’t tenacity, a hair is inanimate, it hasn’t Will, it hasn’t intentions, it can’t be, can’t possibly be tenacious.

An interesting argument

                            Youve not known me to lie to you

I have not.

Awright then Ive told you it held on for three daysthree days of assaultthree days of the toilet being flushed three days   it earned my ire

Three days

Whawould you call that whawouldya assign it have to say about it   about its   tenacity 

Odd.

Odd

Yes. I’m not letting you coerce me into saying that a pubic was invested with Will, or Determination.

Odd  Thas all ya got 

                        Awright then  well ditch tenacious  Ill concede to ya lll concede  Well call it miraculous . .

 . . No we won’t.

he knew he was picking a scab miraculous would swing open the door to religion hed get him to concede religion  then all bets were off

No. Not miraculous.

Thenwha

Then . . tenacious.

 

Then tenacious  Thank you 

 

1312,  Sunday,  28  3. 21

1409,  Sunday,  28  3. 21 

$552K -- American deaths by Trump virus

 

Liars liars  pants on fire  your nose is longer than a telephone wire 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDEdFxUZ01s Castaways

got to have some levity 

                        otherwise ones intention towards Birx CDCs Redfield might be murderous they kept the former FAKE PRESIDENTs lies

https://www.msnbc.com/deadline-white-house/watch/-because-it-was-lies-olivia-troye-says-there-should-be-a-full-investigation-into-the-trump-admin-covid-response-109338693863

he had to excuse himself 

                         he was going to vomit

1704,  Monday,  29  3. 21

https://thetriad.thebulwark.com/p/shame-on-deborah-birx

 

 

  

she got a bug up her ass and he wasnt going to help her out with it

it was her bug

at most her sighing and ogling bugged him

Look how fit they are.

sixseven guys preening across the room from them

granted  she was worth preening about

Aren’t they fit?

Yah thats wha youth gives ya

What do you mean by that? she asked an edge in her voice

he wasnt buying into her game  her bug 

                                          Wha I said

But what do you mean?

Wha I said

What are you, implying?

No implication Im acknowledging their youth

You’re implying, aren't you . . I’m not young?

Yaint old Besides  theyre gathering like straysnotice theres no other women in the room theyre on the scent  Which ought to speak volumes

You’re judgin . .

. . Im observing them 

                      Ya got eyes yasee another woman in here Yare flattered by their attentiontheir undivided salivating  

No.  You’re judging them. 

Listen you asked me to take you out for a cocktail I have Yahave my attention but they seem to have yours So lets cut to the chase if yare so enamoured with the young fit men across the room I can leave you to your druthersyer attentions intentions

Yawanna pull a train Choo Choo Wanna be part of a gangbang Bang Bang Wanna risk rape Yasay No they say Didnt hear ya  No means Yes 

Knock yerself out

When ya finish your drink Im not hangin out Im headin home Anif ya stay yacan stop by an pickup your things later

Pick up my things. You’re being mean, you're being coercive.

Im not Im not buyin into drauma  Ive told ya that 

                                                       Ya got a bug up yer ass an thats on you

We got a good thing until it isnt

Not strongarmin ya

Do whayawanna do

 

You’re jealous.

Weak Yaknow Im not  Not in my makeup

Maybe sometimes a girl wants her man to be jealous. 

Wouldnt be much of a man 

                               Im not tellin ya not to enjoy the attention If they werent theyd be blind  Im sayin donlet it go to yer head

We got a good thing

                      until it isnt 

AM-ish first – now 1241,  Sunday,  28  3. 21

Grachan Moncur III  New Africa  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Xo0mzj-lg4

 

Because you scared the shit out of me 

                                        when you blubber through tears and sobsclutch at your heart because it feels like it is going to explode  because you scared the shit out of me legitimises the scene youve created you neednt apologise the fearthe discombobulation your frenzy is excused because if your witnesswitnesses have humanity compassion have empathy they will give you room because they fear that time when their card is turned and it will be turned and the irretrievablenessthe abyssthe blackness thats enveloped you will be theirs

Because you scared the shit out of me 

                                       he was breathless  he woke crying  

he awakened crying before 

he was grateful he didnt share his bed with anyone 

                                                     because sharing it they were intimate and they would naturally want to try and comfort him  but there was no comfortno wordsno embrace that could

a fools errand to console him 

nor did he want to be consoled  he wanted the timethis time as before as will be he wanted these discrete times involute inviolate to suffer to learn to manage to accept what is unacceptable

 

Because you scared the shit out of me 

                                         he cried it now out loud  he cried it often because he could never tell hershe would never hear him

Death cauterises one from the other

she felt otherwise

he did not

 

he suffered her death as an amputation 

                                          the irretrievableness is as real as feelingsuffering pain in his ghost limb

0744,  Thursday,  25  3. 21

1414,  Reggae Friday,  26  3. 21

 

she placed the stick in her urine stream

she wasnt notoriousshe didnt sleep around

                                            but when her itch – as her father called it – kicked in it led her around by her pussy  assheassumed a guy would be led by his cock

Lucky fuckin guys  she mused as she held the stickkept her fingers up so not to wet them 

she wasnt offended by urine 

                             shed been initiated  golden showers  a humourous lover whose humour fled him when she straddled his shoulders and urinated on his throat and chin 

                                                                Lay still she said Im being careful  she was managing her stream and bladder so not to urine on his lips in his mouth  which by his resulting distemperhis haranguing whining  she wished she had

                     Ya got yer nerve  its all fun and games when yare pissing then flipped around you the reci-pee-nt  she could be clever  though wasnt the clever bitch he accused her of being

Yasay bitch

he didnt say I did he didnt dare say I did  but the look in his eyes spoke volumes  she cracked himsplit his lip with a beautiful right cross her father also taught her                                                                                                                             Fuck you

now fucked she wasnt playing any games with her health or sanity

she Kegeledstopped her flow

brought the stick up from between her legs

remaining thoughtful of drips she finished her pee 

Well there you have it  she said out loud  Thats confirmed two things for me  There is a God  and he hates me

she was knocked up  HCG revealed the + on the stick  Human Chorionic Gonadotropin  she hated that she knew that 

but her father did 

but not for long

shed make a doctor appointment

heads Mifepristone  tails Misoprostol

if she talked to her fatherknowing him hed lean Misoprostol

she didnt have to ask

hed lean to Misoprostol only because they liked miso soup when they had sushi and because he was a comedian  in the sense that if possible it was better to laugh than cry

he was right  she was fortunate to have options

miso had clinched it for him let him off a flight of stairs at a restaurant in Capitola  she told him he couldnt come down unless he could pronounce in Japanese a dinner item for each step

at the top of the stairs he was on a roll though he was keener for sushi and sashimi he related what they shared for dinner  hamachi kama  step  separate hiyashi wakames  step  maguro otoro me honmaguro you  two steps  samon  ikura  uni me  stepstep step  hotate you  step  he threw in ika and tako although they had decided long ago they wouldnt eat tako octopus  likely it was smarter than they  step and step

                                                                                         Ahoh

Last step old man whadaya got she was impressed  Im impressed  

Donbe  Its only because yare putting the screws to me

You do well under pressure

Only because I saw a menu anIve got a full belly 

                                                       Ah miso  Anjust for the fuck of it although it wasnt on the menu . . 

. . Sometimes ya gotta ask

I agree  Natto

OhJesus

Arent ya happy I didnt ask

YES

 

he leaned Misoprostol but suggest rather the Mifepristone because Planned Parenthood which he supported encouraged it    

1857,  Thursday,  11  3. 21

2309,  Saturday,  27  3. 21

pompously he pronounced cellar door  phonaesthetics yaknow  euphony  fingered as such by JRR Tolkien CS Lewis  also Edgar Allan Poe not EA Poe  perhaps because he was an American writer 

                                                                                    a supposition HA a suppository an insertion  Keep movinkeep movin stand around an theyll get you  anal-ysts  if he couldnt clarify who they were he wouldnt use the pronoun 

                            unlike others 

pompousness evaporated  hed use wha he scribbled first  basement door  

actually there were two basement doors at the top of the steps  one opened into the hallway upstairs  the other swung into the basement

they were hinged on the same side

there was a couplethree inches of dead spacedead air between them 

usually the door at the top of the basement steps remained open  that threshold was probably a metre deep he didnt know this so he thought to share it  a metre is defined currently as the length of the path traveled by light in a vacuum in a second  the dictionary told him so   will wonders never cease

that the threshold was deep stop the young and the elderly from falling headlong down the harsh wood steps

when he was a boy his father went down a flight of steps that were like 

                                                                          a broken collarbone concussion split scalp

he got down the steps to him first

he thought he was dead 

 

                                     Hey, boy. 

Hiya Dad  

I ain’t dead?

Dead men tell no tales

Stop, I’m the comedian in the family. 

Yes  though apparently pratfalls are your expertise  You can have them 

Fuck. Ouch.

              phonaesthetics  it was probably the only time he ever heard his father say Fuck 

I heard ya

Don’t repeat it. 

I wont

I mean it.

I know you do 

                Though aint a lot you can do about it now if I did  Eh

OUCH. I think the adrenaline is wearing thin.

Can you move

I think if I wanted to I could shit in my pants  hed heard his father use shit before  And you can also keep that in your hat, boy; best get your brother to help me up and your mother. If I have to suffer her tonguelashing Id rather do it while the adrenaline spigot is still spouting. 

I dig

You and your beatnik expressions, I should have taken away every book you brought into the house; that’s your mother’s fault.

 

he didnt know why there were two basement doors at the head of the stairs 

it wasnt his house

it was always nice to inhabit the places he found himself dreamed into  like a spook or ghost or godName of the Father the Son the Holy Ghost 

                       he could be a trio a trinity if he wished  he could be morehe was more 

sometimes he was troublingly more

this could be considered breaking and entering

hed done that in real life 

not in its criminal sense

in its justice sense 

                  in its Fuck with me an Ill fuck with you  notice the anal-ystsense  fuck with me an Ill 

he didnt apologise to his father for using fuck  although hearing it his fathers eyes tended to flutter or roll 

Its in the dictionary Dad

I should have taken away every book you brought into the house; that’s your mother’s fault.

0744,  Thursday,  25  3. 21

1456,  Saturday,  27  3. 21

Airto’s  Sedonia’s Circle  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBk6qdsB_NY