he couldnt say how many times he
came in through an EXIT
2032, Reggae Friday, 2 10.
20
3.10.20
Then what?
Yah It IS
No turning away from itturning your back on it It IS
Yahave to combat it
Theres no place to run no
place to hide
Yare only fooling yourself if you
think you can
Is it truly your fight?
Its everyones fight Binary Cant wave a white flag declare neutrality hide
No Maybe you could hide
Bury your head like escaped Jews and Jap soldiers did during and after World
War Two
One could argue thats being alive
or just surviving
What did you do during the war
Daddy
I hid
I thought she was a little
girl dressed as she was in a hood a cape tied
at her throat Li’l Red Riding Hood
she was a small fullblown woman
I dont know what it was that tipped
her off I really dont Maybe maybe because Im sceptical
I beat her to the punch
And as I watched the surprisethe
light go out of her eyes
I saw she was every bit a murderer as me
A murderer
Murder Theres nothing else to call it if yawanna be
honest
Coldblooded murder
An when its overhowever its over no one will be innocent No one will be right Theyll be alive to contend with what they did
to stay alive
That’s grim.
Yes
early AM, Saturday, 3 10. 20
1639, Saturday,
3 10. 20
Stephen Stills Word Game
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-lwvn9GN5w
he was utteringmuttering
ejaculating odd nonsensical intonations which suddenly
assembled and formed Whadafuck
hed have thought Whadafuck would
just had presented not made him struggle
with animal brays roars and mewlings
like he wasnt in
control and
not in control made him wonder what entity within him was
they didnt like raw eggs
he
liked raw eggs
so whomever it
was wasnt yet outside his control his
reckoning
hint they were a slob
the raw eggs they dumped into his
mouth from cracked shellhalves missed his mouthhe didnt miss his mouth
it was a feeble impersonation
and feeble pissed
him off he
hated pissed which indicated his . . his . frustrationRAGE
a pansy
he was infiltrated by a pansy
it could have been the booze the blow the hash
though not usually
usually his infiltration came
from a deeper darker place
his feminine side
he openmouthed quaffed raw eggs
oysters shots of booze rarely ever missed
his mouth
this He was a pansy
He wasnt
committed to action probably a rookie a
pleb a beginner
everything has to start somewhere
he didnt think he had a virgin
left inside himSURPRISE
better find herhim and bust
their cherrybring them around to his way of thinking
he hated knocking around or
killing one of his owndidnt have any qualms about it just didnt like it didnt like it one bit
and the cunt got eggwhites in his beard
which was funny
She never had her face smeared
with cum while giving headnever let someone cum in Her face
gobs
yet
She could gob eggwhites in his beard
Dont like my beard
NO!
Then
shave
Your pussys pristine like a eightyearold girls
Maybe I eat raw eggs like a eightyearold
girl.
I was a eightyearold boy an never
got egg on my face
An boys
and girls aint that different
Yaknow that
Whaswid the attempt at
embarrassment
You should know I
dont embarrass
One can try.
No One cant
Not if they want to leave
their boots in the entry
Whadaya want
I want to be noticed.
Even bad press is good presshuh
Yes. Something like that.
Aint nothing like that Park it at the entry Talk to me about your grievance grievances Tryin to make me look silly only made you look bad
Every facet worthwhile yare milling about with reflections of me know I dont miss my mouth
Ya hung yourself out to dry
Exposed yourself unnecessarily
But you did notice.
I want to be noticed.
I want to be acknowledged.
He She whatever aspect of him they represented were young hed have thought at his ageas he said he wouldnt have a virgin left
begrudgingly
Awright Yagot my attention Whadaya want
Thank you.
they
were polite
Yare welcome
0713, Reggae
Friday, 2 10. 20
1117, Saturday,
3 10. 20
Booker Little Grand Valise (Waltz of the Demons) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Z9W4Mo_niY
2.10.20
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.
Amen.
he was baptised
he wondered why
if he was baptised
why he would have to pray the
Lord my soul to take
Pray
Really
So it isnt a done deal
I could pray
an the Lord could
say Piss on it
Hes really got wiggle room
Really
his mother finally asked if he
was done and You’re being rhetorical, correct?
Nah Im asking
He’ll take your soul, Joe. You can
count on it.
If I can count on it why am I
prayingpray the Lord my soul to keeppray the Lord my soul to take
You’re being ridiculous.
I wish I had a dollar for every time
youve called me ridiculous I dont think
soyou say that prayer as a little girl Maw
Yes I did, of course I did.
Did you pray fervently
Of course I did.
You knew fervently as a child
No. Unlikely I knew the word when
I was a child.
Yah Unlikely
An its never occurred to
you that the Lord might renege
That’s a terrible thing to sa . .
.
. At least its not ridiculous
I wish we were
breaking new ground Maw but you call me terrible frequently too
Why is it a terrible thing to saybecause Hes
got my back
He’s your Lord and Savior.
Excellent I couldnt have steered you here any better than
if you were a car My Mother the Car
Steered me?
Yes
What are you talking about? You can’t
diminish what I think.
Nor would I wish to
Though you
ought to say believeYou cant diminish what I believe Its the Lord Jesus Christ your Savior You believe in Him not think in Him
You know what I meant.
I know what you said
So Savior
Praying I parsed it out to get here You didnt know as a child the word fervently
she watched him as if he was growing
a new head
No. As a child I did not.
Thank you
evidently she wasnt going to say
Youre welcome
the new head was still growing
he better get on with it before
she gets up and walks away which when they had conversations she didnt like
she was prone to do
which is better than sitting on
the kitchen chair putting fingers in her ears shaking her head NO and saying
loudly NAHNAHNAHNAHNAH
he never did it to her when she was
speaking because she would have slapped him across the face and knocked him out
of his seat
My point Maw Baptism which was presupposed in your and my experienceswe were babies our acceptance of the Lord our
Savior we can pray but He can renege an leave our souls to rot
What would
that look an smell lik . .
.
. You’re terrib . .
.
. Youre consistent
Legitimately he could renege on our childhood prayers aneven as we grew older
I don’t know what you’re talking
about.
But you are following memy logic
If you want to call it logic.
Lets call it logic an then you
can try to persuade me with yours
the head was still growing
maybe if she made it grow large
enough it would break the neck of his talking head and shut him up he better make it quick
The linchpin our baptisms Baptism is an act of obedience Obedience We were babes An act of
obedience symbolising the believer’s
faithour faith in a crucified buried an risen Saviour our death to sin the burial of the old life and the resurrection
to walk in the newness of life in Christ Jesus
Being born and baptised isnt an act
of obediencean therefore His wiggle room
his neck hadnt broken
maybe now hed always be a
twoheaded freak to his mother
an shed remember when that was exactly
I believe. I have Faith.
Thats logical
1748, Thursday,
1 10. 20
1237, Reggae Friday, 2 10.
20
Everytime I look at you I don’t understand https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VA0Uao6Od-w
$209K -- Killed
Well shucks one might say heres Hoping that
isnt cruel hes stood above it all insisted he was untouchable
martyrs
die for their cause
despots cult leaders have their followers die for them
Mr President youve owned casinos
Toss of the dicehuh
recently he said “The
end of the pandemic is in sight.”
suppose
well have to see if hes prophetic
0106, Reggae Friday, 2 10.
20
1.10.20
they resisted him when he suggested
bringing a woman into their menage a trois
he argued Four not that either of you are shy doesnt make an orgy
No. they said it divides us furthur, dilutes us, makes us les . .
. .
Useless Not us less
Im hearing useless
Don’t be ridiculous. You have a
propensity for hearing things not that aren’t said.
Or rather hearing things that are
implied
Is it really ridiculous to
bring another warm willing commiserate body into our play our loving
they spokefell over each other I don’t want to share.
frankly he was shocked
Yadon wanna share more
he couldnt help but argue with
them
abruptly he reminded Miller what he
wrote
I am .
. . going back to a world which I can always touch with outstretched arms, the
world of what I know and see and recognize from moment to moment. Any other world
is meaningless to me and alien to me and hostile to me. In retraversing the first
bright world which I knew as a child (Impossible – he interjected) I wish not
to rest there but to muscle back to a still brighter world from which I must have
escaped. What this world is like I do not know, nor am I sure that I will find
it, but it is my world and nothing else intrigues me.
turning to Anais he reminded her what
she answered him in her diary
When I first
met Henry all he could do was hurl insults, to spit, to lie in gutters of
Tropic of Cancer and drink, but now he can talk about having found the language
of the night, and all the treasures he finds in his madness, a madness I cannot
luxuriate in because I am the mother of all of them . . . I gave him what his
mother and father could not give him. Henry’s own parents put him in the wrong
world from which we had to escape. I helped Henry escape.
Do you see how selfish you are being
This world you talk of is dangerous
place or rather a place arrived at after a dangerous journey Dangerous because it requires forsaking anyone
else to get there
Think
We arrived
We have room
Dont believe I am fool enough not
to see that I was invited in I am the third
leg
You write separately that not
wife husband childperhaps friend might arrive in this world that they have to be spurned like superfluous
baggage weighty un-needed un-essential But maybe I can see
better than you because there have been times Ive bordered on such a dangerous place
he fell quiet
they may have thought he quit
talking to let them think to ruminate or
maybe converse over what he said
but he fell quiet because he recognised
that when he wrote he didnt acknowledge his wife and children rarely ever the family he was born into
when they should be
as easily to write of as he signed his name not forsaken
though not forsaken he argued with himself I hold
them at arms length
I hold them at arms length and tremble tremble because I dont hold them closerclose
enough so I cant drop them
Henry he interrupted them
If
youre right if it is your world and
nothing else intrigues you that pain
would kill my conscience and its demise would hasten mine
I am too grounded in my station
To be as you are and Anais
would be selfish cowardly
though terribly artistic
Art is like cancer
It must have a body
to consume
0037, Twosday,
21 1. 92
1502, Thursday,
1 10. 20
I have wanted for some tim . .
.
. Areya kiddin me
You have wanted
when have you wanted anything
it wasnt a thing he wanted
he had sheaves of written pages
titled by dates he didnt title anything
anif he did it was rare
the pages were helter skelter
stored in more places than he dare think about
he wanted them gathered in
chronological order but he rather devote his time to crafting more than ordering indexing their content
no arrangement Oops he almost Freudianly fraudulently wrote arraignment he would
be found guilty of voluntary disorder possibly
chaos
nothing gets anything done like
capitulation ceding defeat
but maybe in short spurts
NO!
Shaddup Henry
NO!
Henry Miller his ceaseless harrasser he didnt misspell it harassment is more
harassing if its spelled wrong harrasser
Henry prodded him
I have a Mudder
a
Fadder
and
a Prodder
Henry spat NO! in his face and reminded
him of his words
There was nothing I wished to do which I could just as well not do. & he was also fond of Henrys I had no need of God than he had need of me, and
if there were one, I often said to myself, I would meet him calmly and spit in
his face.
Henry was a spitter
he imagined a nonexistent God to
Henry and a nonexistent he to Henry standing side by side with spittle on their
faces
it humoured him perhaps more than
it should have
he couldnt speak for Godhe wouldnt
speak for anyone that was their jobto
stand up on their hind legs but had Henry spat in
his face hed be getting off his back picking himself up out of the dirt
he didnt
care if Henry could get him laid by all the angels an whores in Heaven or wherever Henry was hanging out now
Millers writing goaded him
he
made him ashamed when he didnt have a pen and paper in hand ashamed that he didnt
have a woman in his arms or on all fours in bed ashamed that he may have eaten his
food and not taking the time to taste it taste the wine ashamed that he wasnt drunk or stoned ashamed
that his lungs werent bigger to breathe deeper to smell more to embrace odours
and scents and aromas ashamed of living
because he couldnt live it more time and
life wasting ashamed because Miller
wasted life too because it would kill us
if we tried in the blink of the eye
he supposed Miller seduced him he and Anais Nin
Anais seduced him first
it was a
heady imagined menage de trois
he was ripe for seduction he ached for it
he was growing weary of seducing
when he kissed Anais like sipping a goblet of red wine his head
engulfed in the fragrant vapours his
tongue lost searching turning like a fish spawningbursting in soon-death
its sex and eggs gushing out in the clear water onto the pebbled bed blood milking twisting like ribbon in the quiet
current its body dying cell by cell
quelling the innate circle of living
he was incited by excess
distillation he wrote
I simply say what I think
having said so I think of it no
longer
the thought I evacuate makes room for more
my brain like my bowels and bladder
and lungs and heart
have to be emptied to be filled
to be emptied an on anon
until death empties me completely
an finally with a warm grateful spasm and squeeze
where in my bed on the floor in the earth
will gush the last vestige of
what I truly was
and I I will sorely miss not being able to sit
among my things like a small curious child
to sort and pull through them
discovering again trembling at my treasures
my funk and fuck
in them there will be my happiness and
sorrow and horror
maybe my children will have the courage
to look through them
smell the fragrances inside their odour
find and feel the small precious
stones in the surly muck
maybe
maybe if their eyes didnt betray
them
their senses and nerves
steeled not faint
and have a strong gut
a distillation
takes a very strong gut
2350, Monday,
20 1. 92
1206, Thursday,
1 10. 20
The Ronettes Be My Baby
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gG7UXv8Zc5Q
30.9.20
its just a nada day
Friday – before he conceived of
Reggae Fridays -- 8 January 1993
he was recording Miles Davis off the
radio a hep radio station K-PIG broadcasting
out of Cayucos had a sister station in
Freedom East Southeast ESE of Santa Cruz he was a decent Boy Scout with a compass without a compass indecent
he lacked a North Star
everyone said so
he dismissed them
he was an Erratic who drifted on
glacier sheets of ice deposited here and
there and having nothing in common with his foster surroundings
if he found commonality he found it distasteful
he jumped aboard
another ground-floating sheet of ice to new climes
he complained that night as he looked
over fourfive projects that were still in rewrite-form that he didnt finish anything
he loved starting new projects
if women could carry pregnancies like he carried manuscripts only occasionally would a child be born
other
children miscarriages or stillborn
but the child born would be born to
a committed adult an adult who would
kill to provide for them
amid so many uncommitted adults parents
brains have become so large to
contain their possibilities probabilitiestheir choices that things innate bugs fish animals mammals perhapsplants do as
human beings once did though they have been crowded mangled stunted strangled murdered worse ignored
if only human beings were blades of grass Leaves of Grass randomly Do you think it so easy to have me become
your lover? / Do you think the friendship of me would be unalloy’d
satisfaction? / Do you think I am trusty and faithful? / Do you see no furthur
than this façade, this smooth and tolerant manner of me? / Do you suppose
yourself advancing on real ground towards a real heroic man? / Have no thought
O dreamer that it maybe all maya, illusion?
if humans were blades of grass theyd be confused
by their colour structure and purpose
our Big Brains certainly enjoy us
they have certainly
ravished and enjoyed us
2216, Monday,
20 1. 92
1414,
Day-between-Two-Ts, 30 9. 20
their telephone conversation
began as a heartbreaker
it was preceded by his daughter
texting him late in the evening
:
: Dad – I’m having a really hard night.
My heart hurts so much
:
: Wanna talk?
:
: Maybe
:
: Gimme a call if you'd like, words
are better said, expressed, than typed . . more immediate
:
: Gimme a moment . . .
when she calledwhen she went to speak she sputtered then slurred into moans and sobs
Take your time love
Begin when yare ready
it was a couplethree minutes for
her to gather herself she
was breaking his heart
they talked
her beloved sisterher only
sibling died earlier that year they cared for her together with her husband
the last three months of her life
drawing sustenance and comfort
from their words she quieted percolated into
tears though briefly and later . . later
. they began to share some random things from their day . . sifting gently away
from their sorrow yet including her sister
talking
helps he was glad she calledthat he
could help despite removed
he told her several times he wished
he was there with her to console her with hugs and kisses
they were a very affectionate
family
now they were two
she related that she had been
invited to participate in a ZOOM baby shower on Saturday
They do that he
never went near that stuff or had to not even to communicate with his granddaughters
They do.
I didnt know one of your friends
was expectingyou hadnt said
The couple aren’t my friends.
Couple the husband er boyfriend . .
.
. Look at you catching yourself! Yes.
Her boyfriend. she broke into a gay
laugh that was good to
hear he laughed too
So whawas he doing there Or is that what couples do todayI wasnt at your
mothers baby showers for either of you girls ya couldnt have made me
Times change.
They do
Apparently also to include a
stranger at a baby shower
It was on ZOOM, Dad.
You said
she explainedelaborated how she
became part of it then talked about one of the games they played
there were twelve categories of
what animals did when expecting and also regarding their newborns clever
Such as he asked I wanna played belatedly and not on a
computer screen.
Okay, what animal has a gestation
period of eighteen to twentytwo months?
Thats too easy
You’d be surprised; it wasn’t
easy.
An elephant
You’re right.
If human beings had to endure a
like gestation period got news for
ya neither you or your sister would
have been conceivedNo way in hell
Aww. You’re sweet, Dad.
Yaknow Im not
Another
Okay. Thirteen months and another
fifteen to sixteen months?
Yaknow now ya know why theyre called animals Puny humans Pitiful
Gotta guess?
Big animals big A giraffe A rhinoceros
Wow! Not bad guesses. Not right, but
not bad guesses.
And
Manatee, and a walrus.
I am the walrus alluding to
Lennon the Beatles
I know. I was trying to give you
choices that were up your alley.
I appreciate that
You betcha.
What babies were called.
Like a joey.
Kangaroo
Yes.
A puggle.
A
baby pug
Wrong.
A baby platypus.
Bullshit
It’s
not.
A
baby platypus is called a puggle
Yes.
Jesus Why
I don’t know.
Puggle Embarrassing Sounds more like a tact or strategylike Hallmark cards making up days so they can sell their products Secretary’s Day Boss’ Day yaknow They ought to have a day called Comb Over Day
she burst out laughing
he
laughed too Imagine Wha a fuckin marroon
Right out of Bugs Bunny.
You said it
brother they tickled themselves with that one couldnt stop laughing
laughter is the best medicine
2333, Monday,
28 9. 20
1123, Day-between-Two-Ts, 30 9.
20
Beatles I Am the Walrus https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tiPR7SCb2I
: : Well
I’ll be damned https://whatnationaldayisit.com/day/Memorial-Comb-Over/
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