https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMOGaugKpzs 

                                                         Donald Drumpf  watchin you

my sincerest apologeezs to the band Sting Stewart Copeland Andy Summers  and to everyone who cringes because it was a well-liked song for so many other an better reasons

gotta watch cuz cant believe a word out of his fat mouth 

liars earn that

1549, Reggae Friday,  2  10. 20

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep;

If I should die before I wake,

I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen.

 

he was baptised

he wondered why

if he was baptised

why he would have to pray the Lord my soul to take

Pray

Really

So it isnt a done deal

I could pray

           an the Lord could say  Piss on it

Hes really got wiggle room 

Really

 

his mother finally asked if he was done and You’re being rhetorical, correct?

Nah Im asking

He’ll take your soul, Joe. You can count on it.

If I can count on it why am I prayingpray the Lord my soul to keeppray the Lord my soul to take

 

You’re being ridiculous.

I wish I had a dollar for every time youve called me ridiculous  I dont think soyou say that prayer as a little girl Maw

Yes I did, of course I did.

 

Did you pray fervently

Of course I did.

You knew fervently as a child

No. Unlikely I knew the word when I was a child.

Yah  Unlikely

                 An its never occurred to you that the Lord might renege

 

That’s a terrible thing to sa . . 

. . At least its not ridiculous 

                              I wish we were breaking new ground Maw but you call me terrible frequently too

Why is it a terrible thing to saybecause  Hes got my back

 

He’s your Lord and Savior.

Excellent I couldnt have steered you here any better than if you were a car My Mother the Car

Steered me?

Yes

What are you talking about? You can’t diminish what I think. 

Nor would I wish to 

                      Though you ought to say believeYou cant diminish what I believe  Its the Lord  Jesus Christ your Savior  You believe in Him not think in Him

You know what I meant.

I know what you said 

                         So  Savior   Praying  I parsed it out to get here  You didnt know as a child the word fervently

she watched him as if he was growing a new head 

                                                       No. As a child I did not.

Thank you

 

evidently she wasnt going to say Youre welcome

the new head was still growing

he better get on with it before she gets up and walks away which when they had conversations she didnt like she was prone to do 

             which is better than sitting on the kitchen chair putting fingers in her ears shaking her head NO and saying loudly NAHNAHNAHNAHNAH

he never did it to her when she was speaking because she would have slapped him across the face and knocked him out of his seat

My point Maw Baptism  which was presupposed in your and my experienceswe were babies  our acceptance of the Lord our Savior we can pray   but He can renege an leave our souls to rot 

                                                                                What would that look an smell lik . . 

. . You’re terrib . . 

. . Youre consistent

Legitimately he could renege on our childhood prayers aneven as we grew older

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

But you are following memy logic

If you want to call it logic.

Lets call it logic an then you can try to persuade me with yours

the head was still growing

maybe if she made it grow large enough it would break the neck of his talking head and shut him up he better make it quick

The linchpin our baptisms  Baptism is an act of obedience Obedience We were babes An act of obedience symbolising the believer’s faithour faith in a crucified buried an risen Saviour our death to sin the burial of the old life and the resurrection to walk in the newness of life in Christ Jesus

Being born and baptised isnt an act of obediencean therefore  His wiggle room

his neck hadnt broken

maybe now hed always be a twoheaded freak to his mother 

                                                                 an shed remember when that was   exactly

I believe. I have Faith.

Thats logical

 

1748,  Thursday,  1  10. 20

1237,  Reggae Friday,  2  10. 20

Everytime I look at you I don’t understand  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VA0Uao6Od-w 

$209K -- Killed

https://www.msnbc.com/11th-hour/watch/trump-announces-he-s-tested-positive-for-the-coronavirus-92982853850 

Well shucks one might say heres Hoping that isnt cruel hes stood above it all  insisted he was untouchable

martyrs die for their cause 

                             despots cult leaders have their followers die for them

Mr President youve owned casinos

                                   Toss of the dicehuh

recently he said “The end of the pandemic is in sight.”  

suppose well have to see if hes prophetic

0106,  Reggae Friday,  2  10. 20 

they resisted him when he suggested bringing a woman into their menage a trois

he argued Four not that either of you are shy doesnt make an orgy

No. they said  it divides us furthur, dilutes us, makes us les . . 

. . Useless  Not us less   Im hearing useless 

Don’t be ridiculous. You have a propensity for hearing things not that aren’t said. 

Or rather hearing things that are implied 

                                            Is it really ridiculous to bring another warm willing commiserate body into our play  our loving

they spokefell over each other I don’t want to share.

frankly he was shocked 

                            Yadon wanna share  more 

he couldnt help but argue with them

abruptly he reminded Miller what he wrote 

                                              I am . . . going back to a world which I can always touch with outstretched arms, the world of what I know and see and recognize from moment to moment. Any other world is meaningless to me and alien to me and hostile to me. In retraversing the first bright world which I knew as a child (Impossible – he interjected) I wish not to rest there but to muscle back to a still brighter world from which I must have escaped. What this world is like I do not know, nor am I sure that I will find it, but it is my world and nothing else intrigues me.

turning to Anais he reminded her what she answered him in her diary 

                                                                          When I first met Henry all he could do was hurl insults, to spit, to lie in gutters of Tropic of Cancer and drink, but now he can talk about having found the language of the night, and all the treasures he finds in his madness, a madness I cannot luxuriate in because I am the mother of all of them . . . I gave him what his mother and father could not give him. Henry’s own parents put him in the wrong world from which we had to escape. I helped Henry escape.

Do you see how selfish you are being

This world you talk of is dangerous place or rather a place arrived at after a dangerous journey  Dangerous because it requires forsaking anyone else to get there 

                                              Think 

We arrived

We have room

Dont believe I am fool enough not to see that I was invited in  I am the third leg

You write separately that not wife husband childperhaps friend might arrive  in this world that they have to be spurned like superfluous baggage weighty un-needed un-essential  But maybe I can see better than you because there have been times Ive bordered on such a dangerous place

he fell quiet

they may have thought he quit talking to let them think to ruminate or maybe converse over what he said

but he fell quiet because he recognised that when he wrote he didnt acknowledge his wife and children rarely ever the family he was born into 

                          when they should be as easily to write of as he signed his name  not forsaken 

                                                                                                               though not forsaken he argued with himself   I hold them at arms length

I hold them at arms length and tremble  tremble because I dont hold them closerclose enough so I cant drop them

Henry  he interrupted them  

                               If youre right  if it is your world and nothing else intrigues you  that pain would kill my conscience and its demise would hasten mine

I am too grounded in my station 

To be as you are  and Anais  would be selfish  cowardly 

                                                               though terribly artistic

 

Art is like cancer

It must have a body to consume

 

0037,  Twosday,  21  1. 92

1502,  Thursday,  1  10. 20

I have wanted for some tim . . 

. . Areya kiddin me 

                                                You  have  wanted

when have you wanted anything

 

it wasnt a thing he wanted

he had sheaves of written pages titled by dates he didnt title anything anif he did it was rare 

                                                                                                    the pages were helter skelter stored in more places than he dare think about

he wanted them gathered in chronological order but he rather devote his time to crafting more than ordering indexing their content 

               no arrangement Oops  he almost Freudianly fraudulently wrote arraignment  he would be found guilty of voluntary disorder  possibly chaos

nothing gets anything done like capitulation ceding defeat

                                                               but maybe  in short spurts

NO!

Shaddup Henry

NO!

Henry Miller his ceaseless harrasser he didnt misspell it harassment is more harassing if its spelled wrong  harrasser

Henry prodded him

I have a Mudder

a Fadder 

and a Prodder

Henry spat NO! in his face and reminded him of his words 

                                                               There was nothing I wished to do which I could just as well not do.  & he was also fond of Henrys  I had no need of God than he had need of me, and if there were one, I often said to myself, I would meet him calmly and spit in his face.

Henry was a spitter

he imagined a nonexistent God  to Henry  and a nonexistent he  to Henry  standing side by side with spittle on their faces 

it humoured him  perhaps more than it should have 

he couldnt speak for Godhe wouldnt speak for anyone that was their jobto stand up on their hind legs                                                                                                                                but had Henry spat in his face hed be getting off his back picking himself up out of the dirt 

he didnt care if Henry could get him laid by all the angels an whores in Heaven  or wherever Henry was hanging out now 

Millers writing goaded him 

                             he made him ashamed when he didnt have a pen and paper in hand ashamed that he didnt have a woman in his arms or on all fours in bed ashamed that he may have eaten his food and not taking the time to taste it taste the wine  ashamed that he wasnt drunk or stoned ashamed that his lungs werent bigger to breathe deeper to smell more to embrace odours and scents and aromas  ashamed of living because he couldnt live it more  time and life wasting   ashamed because Miller wasted life too  because it would kill us if we tried in the blink of the eye

he supposed Miller seduced him  he and Anais Nin 

Anais seduced him first

it was a heady imagined menage de trois

he was ripe for seduction  he ached for it

he was growing weary of seducing

when he kissed Anais  like sipping a goblet of red wine his head engulfed in the fragrant vapours  his tongue lost  searching  turning like a fish spawningbursting in soon-death its sex and eggs gushing out in the clear water onto the pebbled bed  blood milking twisting like ribbon in the quiet current  its body dying cell by cell quelling the innate circle of living 

he was incited by excess

distillation  he wrote 

                         I simply say what I think

having said so I think of it no longer

the thought I evacuate makes room for more

my brain like my bowels and bladder and lungs and heart

have to be emptied to be filled to be emptied an on anon

until death empties me completely

an finally  with a warm grateful spasm and squeeze

where in my bed on the floor in the earth

will gush the last vestige of what I truly was

and I  I will sorely miss not being able to sit among my things like a small curious child

to sort and pull through them

discovering again trembling  at my treasures  my funk and fuck

in them there will be my happiness and sorrow and horror

 

maybe my children will have the courage to look through them

smell the fragrances inside their odour

find and feel the small precious stones in the surly muck 

                                                                  maybe

maybe if their eyes didnt betray them

their senses and nerves steeled  not faint

and have a strong gut 

                             a distillation takes a very strong gut

 

2350,  Monday,  20  1. 92

1206,  Thursday,  1  10. 20

The Ronettes  Be My Baby  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gG7UXv8Zc5Q 

 

its just a nada day

Friday – before he conceived of Reggae Fridays -- 8 January 1993

he was recording Miles Davis off the radio a hep radio station K-PIG broadcasting out of Cayucos had a sister station in Freedom East Southeast ESE of Santa Cruz  he was a decent Boy Scout with a compass without a compass  indecent  

          he lacked a North Star

everyone said so

he dismissed them 

he was an Erratic who drifted on glacier sheets of ice deposited here and there and having nothing in common with his foster surroundings

if he found commonality he found it distasteful 

                                                he jumped aboard another ground-floating sheet of ice to new climes

 

he complained that night as he looked over fourfive projects that were still in rewrite-form that he didnt finish anything

he loved starting new projects 

                                 if women could carry pregnancies like he carried manuscripts only occasionally would a child be born  

               other children miscarriages or stillborn

but the child born would be born to a committed adult an adult who would kill to provide for them  

                                                                                                        amid so many uncommitted adults parents

brains have become so large to contain their possibilities probabilitiestheir choices that things innate bugs fish animals mammals perhapsplants do as human beings once did though they have been crowded mangled stunted strangled murdered  worse ignored 

                             if only human beings were blades of grass Leaves of Grass randomly  Do you think it so easy to have me become your lover? / Do you think the friendship of me would be unalloy’d satisfaction? / Do you think I am trusty and faithful? / Do you see no furthur than this façade, this smooth and tolerant manner of me? / Do you suppose yourself advancing on real ground towards a real heroic man? / Have no thought O dreamer that it maybe all maya, illusion?

if humans were blades of grass theyd be confused by their colour structure and purpose

our Big Brains certainly enjoy us 

                                 they have certainly ravished and enjoyed us

2216,  Monday,  20  1. 92

1414, Day-between-Two-Ts,  30  9. 20

 

their telephone conversation began as a heartbreaker

it was preceded by his daughter texting him late in the evening

:  :  Dad – I’m having a really hard night.

My heart hurts so much

:  :  Wanna talk?

:  :  Maybe

:  :  Gimme a call if you'd like, words are better said, expressed, than typed . . more immediate

:  :  Gimme a moment . . . 

                              when she calledwhen she went to speak she sputtered then slurred into moans and sobs

Take your time love 

                       Begin when yare ready

 

it was a couplethree minutes for her to gather herself she was breaking his heart      

 

they talked

her beloved sisterher only sibling died earlier that year  they cared for her together with her husband the last three months of her life

 

drawing sustenance and comfort from their words she quieted percolated into tears though briefly and later . . later . they began to share some random things from their day . . sifting gently away from their sorrow yet including her sister 

talking helps he was glad she calledthat he could help despite removed 

he told her several times he wished he was there with her to console her with hugs and kisses

they were a very affectionate family

now they were two

 

 

she related that she had been invited to participate in a ZOOM baby shower on Saturday

They do that he never went near that stuff or had to not even to communicate with his granddaughters

They do.

I didnt know one of your friends was expectingyou hadnt said

The couple aren’t my friends.

Couple  the husband er  boyfriend . . 

. . Look at you catching yourself! Yes. Her boyfriend.  she broke into a gay laugh that was good to hear  he laughed too

 

So whawas he doing there Or is that what couples do todayI wasnt at your mothers baby showers for either of you girls ya couldnt have made me

Times change.

They do 

         Apparently also to include a stranger at a baby shower

It was on ZOOM, Dad.

You said

she explainedelaborated how she became part of it then talked about one of the games they played

there were twelve categories of what animals did when expecting and also regarding their newborns  clever

Such as he asked I wanna played belatedly and not on a computer screen.

Okay, what animal has a gestation period of eighteen to twentytwo months?

Thats too easy

You’d be surprised; it wasn’t easy.

An elephant

You’re right.

If human beings had to endure a like gestation period got news for ya  neither you or your sister would have been conceivedNo way in hell

Aww.  You’re sweet, Dad.

Yaknow Im not 

                 Another

Okay. Thirteen months and another fifteen to sixteen months?

Yaknow now ya know why theyre called animals  Puny humans   Pitiful

Gotta guess?

Big animals big   A giraffe  A rhinoceros

Wow! Not bad guesses. Not right, but not bad guesses.

And

Manatee, and a walrus.

I am the walrus alluding to Lennon the Beatles

I know. I was trying to give you choices that were up your alley.

I appreciate that

You betcha. 

               What babies were called. Like a joey. 

Kangaroo 

Yes. A puggle. 

A baby pug 

Wrong. A baby platypus. 

Bullshit 

It’s not. 

A baby platypus is called a puggle

Yes.

Jesus  Why

I don’t know.

 

Puggle Embarrassing  Sounds more like a tact or strategylike Hallmark cards making up days so they can sell their products  Secretary’s Day Boss’ Day  yaknow  They ought to have a day called Comb Over Day

she burst out laughing 

                         he laughed too  Imagine  Wha a fuckin marroon 

Right out of Bugs Bunny.

You said it

 

brother they tickled themselves with that one  couldnt stop laughing

 

laughter is the best medicine

2333,  Monday,  28  9. 20 

1123,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  30  9. 20

Beatles  I Am the Walrus  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-tiPR7SCb2I  

:  :  Well I’ll be damned  https://whatnationaldayisit.com/day/Memorial-Comb-Over/

Im wronghuh

she said  You are.

Then I like that you werent intimidated because Im a man an corrected my error ignorance  Thank you  I wouldnt wanna be walking around with ceviche on my lips and thinking I was referring correctly to something rare exotic or obscure 

Carefully thought out, is the definition in original French. You were, somewhat, in the neighbourho . .

. . Stop  I was not

                    Please dont spare my feeling  Im better with pain  Pain reinforces mistakes an makes you not want to suffer them again . . so Ill learn itll stick like Japanese rice

Okay. Then you’ve learned?

I have

And what was your error?

I erred in thinking that ceviche – cold fresh raw fish cured with citrus juices seasoned with aji chili peppers chopped onions coriander is not  is notthough some might think ceviche is rare or exotic -- it is not recherché

 

Yes. Correct.

Yes Thank you 

                Ive always known you were intelligent  Who would want to hang out with a bimbo no matter the sex

Not me

Nor me either.

We . . meld

We certainly do. 

                         Which lash did you want me to use to bring your knowing home?

Yare the dominatrix  Lead on

 

January,  2020

1607,  Monday,  28  9. 20

Iron Butterfly  Most Everything You Want  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfjFhl9iKR0 

 

he was aware enoughversed enough  had endeavoured throughout this political adult life to anticipate the American presidential debates 

                       to know this one historically stunk to the high heavens

listening watching

                     the president of the United States Donald J. Trump was wretched  an embarrassment  exceeded even his wildly-imaginative mind 

repeatedly he had cried out loud since Trump a desperate wannabe glided down the gilded New York escalator to announce his candidacy to a remunerated crowd cheering at his feet

                                                                         TRUMP IS A PIECE OF SHIT

nothing has changed

the clown is consistent    

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elzdU08s5so  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8-WtUyv2Fg

2345,  Twosday,  29  9. 20

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/an-epic-moment-of-national-shame-the-debate-was-an-embarrassment-for-the-ages/ar-BB19yCW4?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout

 

he was good with mazes

he dreamed of mazes 

and dreaming hed been at home in them for as long as he could remember 

                                                                            that and dreaming of sexually negotiating women

You’re a real charmer, aren’t you?

My Maw said I was charming

it helped to be facially and physically fortune

 

years ago in Santorini, Greece he led the bachelor and bachelorette parties bride and groom to-be back to their hotel one long conga line that he repeatedly called a daisy-chain he was surpriseddistressed how many of his younger cohorts didnt pickup on his remarkthey were all younger he led because they didnt know where they were how they got there or how to get back

after his swim the next morning during breakfast word spread among families and friends people who had stayed in they asked him how he managed itdidnt get lost

                                                   he replied he has a sense that floats lazily overhead like a childs toy balloon and keeps him aligneddirects him 

                                             I dream of mazes he concluded so I am comfortable in them

mazes and unopened doors 

                             passions

confronted with a chastity belt he could pick the lock with a hairpin or less-ingenious locksmith tools he stole from his old man

he was an excellent repo man he could have been a splendid burglar or second-story man if he was a greedy

last night he outdid himself 

                             he dreamed it seemed he was in it forever he dreamed he was in a three-dimensional maze

he had been reading about quantum physics and quantum gravity 

inadvertently he dragged them into his dreamsthey had to be kicking and screaming half the time he didnt want to be there either 

            hence him refusing to distinguish between nightmares and dreams like men and women people  why identify themviolate them by their sex

the maze was constructed without an up or downabated by fluidity an Escher-construct of ironworks office buildings malls demolitions junkyards profound hotels and carpetedsmoky casinos bowels eyries parking garages steps stairs staff hallways and gratefully a garden maze when he finally escaped

he thought he should have solved it faster  

several of his hes admonished him to be grateful he did

 

the exercise of the maze 

                        walking on walls and ceilings like an insect

                                                                       was to escape it and then find France Avenue South

it was night when he exited

the street signs were torn down  

a road was a road a street a street a county highway a county highway

                                                                             fucking dream didnt even afford him an address on France

seemed his Beginning had no end  

                                      a perfect maze

 

0550,  Sunday,  27  9. 20

1400,  Monday,  28  9. 20

Pacific Gas & Electric Company  Are You Ready  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5MR1LBEJ-ok

 

early Sunday evening baths

he was the eldest

that was his responsibility that his four younger siblings didnt appreciate it

they might have argued they were terrestrial not aquatic but they didnt know the words

he ran the bathtub

the youngest were less filthy

                              he could bathe three of them in the same bathwaterthe first two at once the soap scum on the water for the third was evident had they looked for it but he kept the water agitated and they didnt see because of their teary eyestheir adamant loud protests 

                                             diversion was a wonderful tactic 

                                                                               particularly when they ignorantly provided it

his brother and he bathed separately in fresh water 

                                                       although in shallower tubs

he didnt shower until he went to junior high

he loved it

they had to showernaked showers after gym

Social Studies followed gym

he never made it there on time 

                                he had to serve afterschool detentions 

                                                                          no matter he did homework didnt matter to him if it was at school or at home

funny 

       that theythe school saw it as a punishment 

it became apparent to him their curriculumtheir idea of punishment was faulty 

                                                                                 HA

he thought a faulty faculty but didnt let it break his lips no tellin what they might have tried to appropriate try to come up with to break his spirit

children are meant to be broken not heard

when he had kidsthat was the enforced thinking he never met an unwed adult marriage children  when he had kids hed go to hell before hed shackle them with unmitigated horseshit

they better be smart

he wouldnt tolerate an idiot child

1644,  Sunday,  27  9. 20