25.5.20



mornings have been odd of recent


thats unfair to morningshes been odd
                                        hes been waking in pain reminiscent of four years ago when a specialist wanted to label him RA rheumatoid arthritis and prescribe him pills that are for cancer patients with side effects that were worse than the pain he suffered
it was only pain

pain lets ya know youre alive


a better morning this morning  he kept to his regiment 

he ran a hot bath scented with lavender oilsufficed with Epsom salts and while he laid there his cats stopped by  paid tribute he fed them
                      it occurred to him exactly how he was feeling

he felt like he was stuffed inside an illfitting suit stuffed inside his skinsleeves twistedtoo tight in the groindressed to the wrong side a leg short and turnedthe other leg long and knotted under his footthe neck too bigshoulders jerryrigged ballbearing stuffed between his knuckles and toes and his skull lashed left porcupine quills to manage if he tried to look right

in two wordsthree
                     a sloppy iron maiden


today was better

he was excited to go to sleep
                               excited to see if tomorrow morning hed be worse or better off
like the difference between business and pleasure

he was skeptical
                   he was darkly optimistic

was his cup halffull or halfempty

his was fiftyfifty 

if he could shake the snakeskin shrouding himif his body was up to it he was all in 

if it wasnt
           maybe the day after or a few days or a week or a month

he was as tenacious as it was

hed come out better on the other side

hed find the fuckin tailor and beat him within an inch of his life
                                                                   unless the tailor had a good reason
he wasnt unreasonable

if the tailor was put up to it hed get the name
                                                one way or another
he was as convincing as he could be charming



let the Game continue

he liked the piecethe part he played


0850,  Monday,  25  5. 20
1613,  Monday – Decoration Day,  25  5. 20
Edgar Winters  Tobacco Road  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vchy9ftPuB0

it aint $100,000 but $99,459 is close -- tomorrow


WHOs fucking the phony president   

WHO should
              frankly it should fistfuck him and leave him in the gutter to be found and Ohsosorryed mollified by they-who-think-theyre-wily deviants who share his taste for death and disinformation

1823, Monday,  25  5. 20





the winter mist outside sifted like fine vague sand

its grit softenedsoftened to gauze and silver and slivered and sparkled with the rising sun
no birds this morning

that was hard to take

they must have been holding tight to their roosts or nests feathercuddling


this morning reminded him of a morning years ago on the Wisconsin river a Summertime jaunt with a buddy who became his brotherinlaw briefly
                                  who emitted a big GULP when he showed at the house one evening and was there to see his sister

Wha . . when did this happen he didnt wait for an answer
No matter

Cool  Kool



later on another Wisconsin River trip  at an Indian barthe bartender told them You white guys got to beat it by Seven when my regular clientele shows


Saywha

Your sister is pregnant.

EXCITEMENT
               then doused in cold waterSTUPID he knew betterhe knew about the birds and bees heteros homos and lezs lions tigers and bears he knew about flowers and trees and the moon up above and a thing called Love
                                                                                                                  XCEPT
aint no loving without a rubber

Ya fuckin stupid it escaped his mouth Yatwo aint married asif married had anything to do with conception or fuckingettin knocked up
Ya fuckin stupid there must have been an Echo hiding in the bar
then

sternly

he said Whadaya talkin about


I got your sister pregnant.

Whadaya two thinkin

We’re going to get married.

Married

Yeah.

Why

Why?
       She’s preg . .
. . YOURE PREGNANT
                       She aint pregnant by herself Your child Youre pregnant To Marry Why You havent said word one about love Ya discuss options


Options?
Abortion

Abortion? You want us to abort your niece or nephew?

Abort the fetus aint blood til its born Yareally wanna fuckup three lives when two can be restored   Healed




their yipping and yapping took them past Seven

the bar slowly filled

they were oblivious

on stools at the bar they were a cancerous bubble bleeding all over the sawdust floor spoiling Running Deers Black Bears yamida yamidayamida Red Feathers boots

pausing for a breath he saw the bartender eyeball him  Hey Chief  he called him that during the day he believed he was in fact a chief Two whiskies please

You go. You boys settle up. Go.  Leave, as I asked you earlier.

he looked around 

he saw men not Indians

thing about it was that Indians saw two white men spoiling their barintruding on their space

Chief was keenly aware  Settle up.

drunkenly he said Moneys on the bar Plenty for two more whiskys

No. Settle. You go.

FIREWATER PLEASEsuddenly there was no air a crush of bodies he became buoyant could see over his toes roiled snatched from his bar stool his buddy floating on his belly five feet in the air then WOOSHsilence airborn hurled bodily through the swinging door clearing the porch into the dirt in a heap  No thats my leg


they slowly stood weaved back and forthback and forth

their pockets were turned inside outwhen did that happen  Indian magic


his buddy finally said Real sharp. Firewater?


Yah I couldnt help myself


then his buddy recognised their pockets were turned inside out
                                                                  he must have been really loaded Fuck. They got all my dough.

All your dough Yabrought all your dough with ya

I did. he looked up at the bar  the swinging doors were still swung outward  I aint going back in.

Nah Me neither Chumpchange

Chumpchange? That’s all the money I had.

All the money you had Yafuckin kiddin me

What? Leave money in the tent?

Not in the car

What? 

The car You an asshole

Why would I leave money in the car?

Good question
                            Because you wouldnt leave it in the tent

Shit.


Sounds like youre really prepared to be a father he stroked the air with a finger  Tally Abortion

I wasn’t thinking.

Christ  Seems not thinking is your forte


then over it
            he dusted himself off weaved over to his buddys ChevyVega leaning on it he pulled off a boot reached down inside it and extracted a thin fold of bills three Benjamins

he said And asshole Ive more money in the tent Were safe and sound





the silvered morning reminded him of a rowboat lazing towards him as he bathed naked in the shallows 
                                                                                                              he had a bar of soap washcloth  a towel in a tree overhanging the river

a woman pulled at the oars

he recognised her from the haphazard beach down from the lodge and bar that ran the campground his tent was in

two days earlier she wound her way down from one of the cabins on the bank overlooking the river couldnt have missed her

he caught her as soon as she came outdoors

she was stunning stunning in her brightwhite knitted bikini  peekaboo

they had quite the conversation before her boyfriend joined her

she had placed her blanket beside his HELLO THERE

her boyfriend didnt join her as much as encourage her to leave the beach he thought a DUCK ride would be fun
                                                                                                                     a DUCK a World War Two – era Dells Army amphibious vehicle

she wasnt impressed she said

so he impressed upon her he wasnt asking

the slight looked like it hurt 

she winced

she was facing him so her boyfriend didnt see

Maybe she said quietly  we’ll run into each other again.

THAT WOULD BE COOL

her boyfriend eyeballed him but it was possible the black eye he was wearing from the Indian bar let things ride  a pitiful eyeballing

if he was him he wouldnt have been a cunt about her being on the beach 

but if she was with him hed be damn sure she was occupied and happy her hands too full to try and juggle yet one more thing


Crystal

her name was Crystal

hed met other Crystals since but none held a candle to her

she was effervescent a sunlightenedblonde rare a blonde attracted him attracted him like a moth to light her body could have graced a centerfold he knew what he knew

her peekaboo bikini at first plagued him  he didnt want to be rudetried hard to maintain eye contact 

then he quit peeking

she was bronze   everywhere


Hey! Crystal let the oars down across her legs and waved to him

HEY he waved backkept low in the water

Nice to see you again! Lemme come to you, catch the rope. she didnt wait on his reply immediate dug in with the oars pulled on them her back to him


she threw errantlythrew like a girl

the water moved quick in the shallows

the rope unfurled and beganaway from him

he drove after itswam hardtwelvefifteen feet

the rope grasped firmly he stoodthe currentthe sifting gravel and mud underfoot made him stumble he caught himself thrust a hand downgripped the sandbar the water now much shallower

the boat tugged at the rope and swung downstream

he had her

OhMy! she said as she eyed his nakedness   Well, good morning.

Morning he replied as he pulled her in towards him hand over handpaying the rope into water behind him

Crystal  smiling  oogling him brightly said Care for a boat ride?

he smiled and eyed her white blouse unbuttoned halfway cut off bluejeans a plaid blanket at her feet Dont mind if I do

Need a hand getting in?

A hand yah Getting in nah

Oooh the noise in her throat This ought to be fun.

A barrel of monkeys

0804,  Twosday,  14  1. 20
1329,  Monday,  25  5. 20
Dean Martin  The Birds and the Bees  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPqLI8Lf5-8       



blonde pine TV tray

on it was a large cobaltblue plate and five date pits

he didnt have to count

he figured everyone could count fiverecognise five

they were in the shape of a decapitated deer


five pens fanned out beside the plate to its right if a circular plate has sides

he didnt have to count

one can see five

four red Bics

one black Pentel a fine point pen

he knew that because they were his

he figured everyone knew what they had


five pens might seem too many  a little much

he didnt want to run out of ink an have to go lookin for another pen

he had a lot to say an preferred to say it in writing

there he could hold his tongue


writing chased off people who were easily bored or had poor vocabulary

who wanted to contend with short-attention spans

those tenants he found shallow 

shallow as muddied rain puddles

still able to reflect though drop a stone in them the stone hits bottom yet breaches the surface awkwardly


the TV tray was at his right elbow

he set his coffee down on it

its weight skewed the tray a sudden precarious wiggle  uneven on the clay tiles

quickly he grabbed the mug

he held it on top his thigh





the room seemed smaller this morning

it was an enclosed back porch

maybe it was the silence

nobody was talking


to his left ten feet off were illfitted French doors that led outside onto a cracked concrete apron

above the apron was a stout trellis wound by quiet brown wisteria vines  winter bare

he liked to choose one and follow its snaky path counting the bumps where buds would emerge and lengthen and purple in the Spring


he was visiting

helping

for the time being

whatever that time being would be


he was ambivalent

his time being stood across the TV tray from him

it didnt sit

it was as restless as he

it was a slight shade out of the corner of his eye miffed that he wasnt moving around  it knew that was his usual bent

he irritated it

baleful

if it had one iota of patience that weight would have dragged it down

rather

it hung above the tile in midair like a spider web hoping to snare him

then drag him away 

wrapped and coiled

writhing like a python

                          and escaping together


0929,  Thursday,  16  1. 20
1324,  Sunday,  24  5. 20

24.5.20




sometimes when youre least expectingunexpected craze drops into your laphair in ponytailsmouth a crimsom slash wantin to deepthroat ya Open yer fucking pantsNOW!


maybe thats not how things come onto you
                                              but hes found himself bodily flipped upside down with fingers or a mouth at his asshole thumpthump thump or laplap lap deep suckin tryin to turn him inside out 

he wasnt opposed to being turned inside out
                                               it had to look differenthuh he liked different he loved crazed so he gobbled all that shit up and left unsuspecting people to move along unmolested 


there are things to be said for being molested

not everyone who was molested felt bad about being molested 

granted he could only speak from his experiences



Betty Boop bok choy and ass


he thought Betty Boop was hothed do Betty Boop
                                                     hed do his damnedest to turn her from black an white to coloured screamin Technicolor straightenin her hairCOLOURED 

hed eat Betty Boops poop chute cuz yaknow  cartoons can live without eating

her chute would beexcuse him all to hell an back obviously Betty was of age her chute would be slick an virginal an he desperately wanted to unfurl that spitcurl that danced on her forehead

hed fuck Betty an he knew it wasnt odd
                                           because he sought an had attained parental consent his father conceded hed fuck Betty as a matter of factpush come to shove he also managed grandparental consent his old man acquiesced that more than likely his father would have wanted to fuck Betty as well 

parental consent

grandparental consent

three Aces are a tough hand to beat in stud poker

DAMN he was obviously from a long line of deviants

better deviant than a cocksucker of Christ

Fuck he gagged on a thin fishbones when eatin fish
                                                        whawas he gonna do with a cock in his mouth
he wasnt

a cock would never – he didnt like using Never but in this circumstance NEVER was abundantly and glaringly appropriate – a cock would never pass his lips   unless . . wait for it  ..  .  unless it was his cock
if he could suck his cock he would

unfortunately he couldnt
                           so he had to leave that up to women who would listen to what he wanted and perform it to a T  Aint brain surgery baby  LISTEN    LISTEN

a good lover listens to what their lover wants

he was a good lover

their wish was his command

he rarely took orders
                       but if they regarded the panoply panoplay his lover wanted from him he was all over it an they  an there wasnt a crook or cranny he overlooked




bok choy not to be confused with boy choy and ass 
                                                    he did mention themdidnt he he did  actually he was drawnincited by the proximity of Boop and bok admittedly ass too going off in his head by rhymeby the weird coincidenceconfluence of their fortunate appearances that appealed mightily to him



Betty Boop bok choy and ass 
                                  Slick!    
1116,  Saturday,  23  5. 20 
Pepper  Point and Shoot  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdlJNqQtsbc  


where had he read it it percolated up into his brain  unworthiness passed down through your lineage

Yafuckin kiddin me


Kahrist
         it was percolationspauses like that he pondered that made his mug of coffee go cool  kool   kold    kryinoutloud 
                he did it again


he could drink coffee straight throughenjoy it while it was hot

but as much as that was his intentas much as he wanted to
                                                                it didnt happen often


coffee was like an oil

slicking his gears

lubing his thoughts

refreshing his dreams in his eyes like a forlorn bum catching him at a red light in the city and washing his windshield for a buck
            he always found it was worth a couple of bucks and some loose change from his console

more often than not coffee helped him see things more clearly


this morning his hot black coffee bolstered with a splash of Irish whisky its aromatic steam almost made him choke though a pleasant choke  like a whiff of cocaine a nose-hit off a found roach laced with hash oilWAAHBAM
FLASH Maureen his months old girlfriend before he left Chicago for Miami began babbling in angel dust
she blamed him for it
                       You’re ducking out on me.

before they datedwhen they met at a party he told her that he was moving in a few months

some sawed-off Eddie was plying her with the PCP phenylcyclohexyl piperidine – a cyclonic Pepperdine – thats the word game is played to remember the scientific name of angel dust – he told her she could call it by its scientific name hed take a hit too  she never did  neither did he
                                                What? He’s giving it to me for free.
Aint nothing free Maureen anits angel dust

You’ve never tried it, you’re no standing or experience to bi . . 
. . Scientific name  An true But I havent taken heroin either I have a strong idea what can try me an Ive no intentions of taking it  Nevertheless I care about you

You’re leaving, that’s how much you care about me. I’ll be out of sight, out of mind.

You really think that little of yourselfwho you are Who you are in my regards

she sneered Out of sight. Out of mind. Don’t put your regards on me. You’ll be all over the scene in Miami, I ain’t stupid.

Im not going down for the scene Miami the Keys theyve been on my radar for as long as I can remember Id love to have you come down once I get situated when youve finished school

Yah. So you say what you say goes, right?

It does Ive said it Im good to my word

Your word? You’re something special.

Were gettin off track Angel Dust Shithead purveyor

You don’t know him.

Hes a dime a dozen A shithead Hes plying you with that shit an thats all I need to know Says a world about him

You know so much

I know guys  If I wouldnt want him as an acquaintance why would I want you to have a relationship with . .
. . Because I want it!

You want it It  It as in relationship or it as in angel dust

I can have both.

You can I care a lot about you But if you dont care about yourselfhave respect for yourself  I cant either

Fuck you.

Awright I believe youre making a mistake but everyones welcome to their mistakes I dont have to watch it happen

You aren’t. You’re going to Miami.

I am As you knew


he went

Maureen didnt respond to a single letter or postcard

too bad

some of the shit he wrote was pretty provocativepretty crazy worthy of something back




he dreamed he ran into her on the Intracoastal  two slow boats crossing  

she said she had a key

someone said she gave the key to him

she hadnt

But so and so said you have it.

So an so Yah Whos so and so An why would so an so say if you dont remember giving it to me  A key for what

as the sterns grew furthur apart she yelled To my heart, asshole!



kold koffee

1051,  Twosday,  14  1. 20
1104, Sunday,  24  5. 20