she placed the stick in her urine stream

she wasnt notoriousshe didnt sleep around

                                            but when her itch – as her father called it – kicked in it led her around by her pussy  assheassumed a guy would be led by his cock

Lucky fuckin guys  she mused as she held the stickkept her fingers up so not to wet them 

she wasnt offended by urine 

                             shed been initiated  golden showers  a humourous lover whose humour fled him when she straddled his shoulders and urinated on his throat and chin 

                                                                Lay still she said Im being careful  she was managing her stream and bladder so not to urine on his lips in his mouth  which by his resulting distemperhis haranguing whining  she wished she had

                     Ya got yer nerve  its all fun and games when yare pissing then flipped around you the reci-pee-nt  she could be clever  though wasnt the clever bitch he accused her of being

Yasay bitch

he didnt say I did he didnt dare say I did  but the look in his eyes spoke volumes  she cracked himsplit his lip with a beautiful right cross her father also taught her                                                                                                                             Fuck you

now fucked she wasnt playing any games with her health or sanity

she Kegeledstopped her flow

brought the stick up from between her legs

remaining thoughtful of drips she finished her pee 

Well there you have it  she said out loud  Thats confirmed two things for me  There is a God  and he hates me

she was knocked up  HCG revealed the + on the stick  Human Chorionic Gonadotropin  she hated that she knew that 

but her father did 

but not for long

shed make a doctor appointment

heads Mifepristone  tails Misoprostol

if she talked to her fatherknowing him hed lean Misoprostol

she didnt have to ask

hed lean to Misoprostol only because they liked miso soup when they had sushi and because he was a comedian  in the sense that if possible it was better to laugh than cry

he was right  she was fortunate to have options

miso had clinched it for him let him off a flight of stairs at a restaurant in Capitola  she told him he couldnt come down unless he could pronounce in Japanese a dinner item for each step

at the top of the stairs he was on a roll though he was keener for sushi and sashimi he related what they shared for dinner  hamachi kama  step  separate hiyashi wakames  step  maguro otoro me honmaguro you  two steps  samon  ikura  uni me  stepstep step  hotate you  step  he threw in ika and tako although they had decided long ago they wouldnt eat tako octopus  likely it was smarter than they  step and step

                                                                                         Ahoh

Last step old man whadaya got she was impressed  Im impressed  

Donbe  Its only because yare putting the screws to me

You do well under pressure

Only because I saw a menu anIve got a full belly 

                                                       Ah miso  Anjust for the fuck of it although it wasnt on the menu . . 

. . Sometimes ya gotta ask

I agree  Natto

OhJesus

Arent ya happy I didnt ask

YES

 

he leaned Misoprostol but suggest rather the Mifepristone because Planned Parenthood which he supported encouraged it    

1857,  Thursday,  11  3. 21

2309,  Saturday,  27  3. 21

pompously he pronounced cellar door  phonaesthetics yaknow  euphony  fingered as such by JRR Tolkien CS Lewis  also Edgar Allan Poe not EA Poe  perhaps because he was an American writer 

                                                                                    a supposition HA a suppository an insertion  Keep movinkeep movin stand around an theyll get you  anal-ysts  if he couldnt clarify who they were he wouldnt use the pronoun 

                            unlike others 

pompousness evaporated  hed use wha he scribbled first  basement door  

actually there were two basement doors at the top of the steps  one opened into the hallway upstairs  the other swung into the basement

they were hinged on the same side

there was a couplethree inches of dead spacedead air between them 

usually the door at the top of the basement steps remained open  that threshold was probably a metre deep he didnt know this so he thought to share it  a metre is defined currently as the length of the path traveled by light in a vacuum in a second  the dictionary told him so   will wonders never cease

that the threshold was deep stop the young and the elderly from falling headlong down the harsh wood steps

when he was a boy his father went down a flight of steps that were like 

                                                                          a broken collarbone concussion split scalp

he got down the steps to him first

he thought he was dead 

 

                                     Hey, boy. 

Hiya Dad  

I ain’t dead?

Dead men tell no tales

Stop, I’m the comedian in the family. 

Yes  though apparently pratfalls are your expertise  You can have them 

Fuck. Ouch.

              phonaesthetics  it was probably the only time he ever heard his father say Fuck 

I heard ya

Don’t repeat it. 

I wont

I mean it.

I know you do 

                Though aint a lot you can do about it now if I did  Eh

OUCH. I think the adrenaline is wearing thin.

Can you move

I think if I wanted to I could shit in my pants  hed heard his father use shit before  And you can also keep that in your hat, boy; best get your brother to help me up and your mother. If I have to suffer her tonguelashing Id rather do it while the adrenaline spigot is still spouting. 

I dig

You and your beatnik expressions, I should have taken away every book you brought into the house; that’s your mother’s fault.

 

he didnt know why there were two basement doors at the head of the stairs 

it wasnt his house

it was always nice to inhabit the places he found himself dreamed into  like a spook or ghost or godName of the Father the Son the Holy Ghost 

                       he could be a trio a trinity if he wished  he could be morehe was more 

sometimes he was troublingly more

this could be considered breaking and entering

hed done that in real life 

not in its criminal sense

in its justice sense 

                  in its Fuck with me an Ill fuck with you  notice the anal-ystsense  fuck with me an Ill 

he didnt apologise to his father for using fuck  although hearing it his fathers eyes tended to flutter or roll 

Its in the dictionary Dad

I should have taken away every book you brought into the house; that’s your mother’s fault.

0744,  Thursday,  25  3. 21

1456,  Saturday,  27  3. 21

Airto’s  Sedonia’s Circle  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBk6qdsB_NY                    

      again       again

                             he was becoming ambivalent  it didnt matter whether the sentence was a cry in the dark or letters on the darkness asif expressed by a label marker on embossing tape  etched sharply distinctly

IF SOMEONE IS GUILTY OF SOMETHING THEY EASILY ACCUSE OTHERS OF IT

someone 

           who

guilty of something 

                      what  

the cry repeated 

                   echoed

the text went round and around asif on a stock market ticker tape display 

since the dream was his  invariably  the clues laid with him   asif he were some mystical detective 

the screen on the back of his eyeballs ran black black black black black anthennearlysimultaneously he heard and read the sentence

the voice wasnt his not hearing himself as he spoke or hearing himself recorded by a machine

it seemed feminine to him 

                            it wasnt spoken by his feminine side

the script was in capitalised block letters print  not cursive   asif a fortune from a Chinese cookie turned into a clam buried in muck and mud at the bottom of the sea 

                                                     alien

flat  unreflective  black

 

maybe who or what wasnt important 

                                      what was important was the criminals nature and their criminal intent  and maybe as blatant as the sentence sounded and appeared or appeared and sounded it seemed the former  that if his head was on a swivelhis eyes peeled he could recognise the personality preceding the crime and avoidgo wide around them

hints and traces are always present

if he was watching

so he didnt have to later mutter  Hindsight is 20/20 

he  everyone   had been through 2020 

                                           he was willing to let it go and watch it slowly disappear in his rearview mirror

  

early AM-ish,  Saturday,  27  3. 21 

1022,  Saturday,  27  3. 21 

 

It was slim pickins

The actor? Doctor Strangelove?

mumbles absentlydoesnt lift his head Pickins with an i at the end not an e WAIT  Why the hell am I talkin with you whya eavesdroppin interlop . . 

. . Awstop, you know why, that’s what we do, all of us; you know we’re here.

Yahyah yah  Though Id prefer if yawanna interject wanna enjoin me then make yourself know prior not skate in surreptitiously yahave no no-knock privileges

No-knock? Warrant? Like cops?

The Fourth Amendment baby 

Baby? Are you being kind to me now?

Sarcasm baby

You make things difficult.

Difficult 

          No me no you Thats the lens through which I view our relationship our relationship and my relationships with all my known and unknown chuckleheads crowdinground peeking through keyholes 

I am usually amicable to our interactions am I not

I hate it when you phrase it in that manner.

Am I not that disturbs you

It does.

Oh I wouldnt want to disturb you Unlike you Correct I am usually amicable to our interactions correct 

                                                                                                              Better

Yes. Thank you.

Mebbe you can remember that for future purposes

Maybe.

Work on it 

If I may, slim pickins?

You were there Whawas your take 

                                      I mean since you invited yourself inopened your mouth 

Really? 

Im talkin to ya aint I

Yes. Yes you are.

he set himself to thinking

                           when he did he was a little distractinghe had a bad habit  habits not accurate  he didnt do it on purpose he began thinking hard in his head and his eyes would cross 

                                                                             made him cover his mouth so he wouldnt see him grinning like a hyena aint another animal fashioned on the planet that didnt look more humoured than a hyena  even while pulled entrails out from a hopefullydead animal then a grim grin though grinnin nonetheless

his thinkin made his eyes hurt 

                                Whadaya think 

It was thin.

Yes

The before an after of the remark were dislocated not linear

Linear? You're talking about linear? Ain’t nothing linear about your thought process. Maybe if you thought more linear the remark wouldn’t be a puzzle now.

Puzzle  excellent analogy   Yare pretty smart for a chucklehead

Thank you, I think.

Quit thinking yare killin my eyesgivin me a headache

Huh?

Nevermind Never mind

Alright. What do you recall the voiceover saying?

Yaremember

I do, but I asked you first. I think that because I ask you first you should say, besides, you did say you wanted me to quit thinking.

Yare a funny guy

Pomegranate don’t fall far from the tree.

An I like that analogy too The abundance of seeds  Yare pretty sharp this morning

I had a good night’s sleep; unlike you.

Yes Thats true  Fitful

You ran the gamut last night, you woke up crying, you woke again laughing, I was happy for you that your sleep closed out, an hour and a half dreamlessness; we all put in, chipped in for you, just so you know, or as you say, you wouldn’t know unless I said, so I’m saying. We bought you oblivion. It was a little pricey, but we felt for you. 

Thats kind of you . . 

. . Everyone, it was everyone. As you say, all your known and unknown chuckleheads.

THANK YOU 

                        Ya think they heard me

You’re a nut, you know we’re around you all the time.

I do I was concerned for those in the back

Jesus. 

        You’re stalling. What did you hear? 

I heard “Christ! You’d think a thousand pound guy would excuse himself.” but the dislocation walking on the edge of a lonely dirt and sand road I could smell the ocean I didnt see it then the diner a booth at the back the small exhausted Asiatic woman sitting down in my lap takin five “You don’t mind, Joe?” No I dont mind Yaoughta hire some help 

That’s what I hear and saw; what we heard and saw.

 

Slim pickins

Slim pickins.

0744,  Thursday,  25  3. 21

1152,  Reggae Friday,  26  3. 21

 

Another dreimka? 

Dreimka

Yes.

AhYes

      They find me  I am apparently susceptible

Willing?

Yes Im willing too

                  Willing to partake in take on the fantasticimpossible You DO know what is said about impossiblewha I say about impossible

No, I don’t think I do.

Impossible

            Im possible

Clever.

No not really 

              Its right there Just need only look

dreimka

          it began with gay laughterher laughter laughing harder than in the prior evenings dreimka

he can hear her

he can hear herher laughter like the sun sparkling in early morning dew

                                                                           clingingshimmering to blades of grass striping tree leaves bushes  flower stalks and petals

                                               coming down on himbrightening his head like the top of the rise ahead

going uphill he saw crumbled patches where underlying rock spied on the sky many anthills he followed a line of intrepid foragers that led him to a small dead bird they were rendering it appeared to have crashed its wings extended its eyes hollowed out there was tall grass dirt deer paths colourful wildflowers

at the top of the hill he saw he was able to take in a 360degree panorama  open fields pastures shy furrows where rain ran downhill other hillocks crags bold spines of stone darkgreen shivering oaks distant blue mountains shaded purple faces graywhite sunstreaked cliffs somber cloud shadows mountains furthur away ridges like blades keen silveredwhite a lightblue sky at the horizon whose colour deepened between purewhite billowing clouds which appeared as soft as the folds of a woman

then he was startledjarred his visionat once veeredjumped  he found he lost his peripheral vision  he saw impossibly at once 360degrees

                 saw everythingat once  he was full  his skull a broken melon its seeds like compoundeyes  ogling  seedeyes seeing the grass at his feetthe sky aboveall around him like a turret of sense and sensations

he was enormous

                 he was buoyant brilliant dazzling a ceaselesslyconsuming fire

                                                                                     and washing over him her laughter

he could smell happy tears dappling her cheeks her fecundity he could smell her mixed with earth warmed rock freedom feathers breaths of beasts birds hummingbirds bees the respiration hiss of insects

                                                                                        washing over him her laughter 

his seedeyes swam to focus on her

                                   his wildwide vision eversprawling suddenly ceased and fell on hermagnified her on a gentle bed of young green grass small shoals white sand flowers fleshy leaves

                                                                                     she sprawled naked   his seedeyes scattered over her body they were furiouswere enticedwere incensed then in a spasm they rocketed off her body like flying fish tearing through the surf everything flung wide again 

he felt himself grin obscenely large

                                    felt himself treated  to this wonderment this impossible vision 

happilypossessing kaleidoscopic seedeyes

2107,  Twosday,  4  2. 92

1250,  Thursday,  25  3. 21

$547K -- American dead -- remember

a year ago the former president said “I think Easter Sunday, and you’ll have packed churches all over our country, I think it would be a beautiful time; and it’s just about the timeline that I think is right.” 

                                                                                          Easter last year the Trump virus claimed 20,000 American deaths

https://www.msnbc.com/all-in/watch/study-trump-likely-cost-the-u-s-400k-excess-covid-deaths-109107269611

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/health/2020/04/11/coronavirus-white-house-cases-deaths-easter-preparations/5132802002/

2111 or 911,  Thursday,  25  3. 21

 

he sat inside the DMV

                      took him better than a halfhour to get in after it opened anthat chucked on top of the twentythree minutes he stood outside in line 

he rolled past on two prior occasions but the line wrapped around the building it wasnt movingwasnt going anywhere like a constrictor crushing the life out of its prey  slowly suffocating it before eating it head first

he had no idea where the DMVs head was

he sat inside head down reading a book

he glanced upeyes came up to a scent

                                      Where the hell she come from             

when he walked in he eyeballed the place  

hadnt a clue how he missed her

obviously she preceded him in

to his right at the counter an employee accepted her paperwork and motioned for her to step back 

                                                                                                        then they said Lose the mask.

took the words right out of his mouth 

                                     Wellsheeit off comes the mask her arched black eyes are heightened by high Hispanic cheekbones straight nose full lips painted red her head was the cherry atop a sundaeWOW                   

                                                                                                          then she quickly undid her folded ponytail let her jet black hair fall across her back down to the base of her spine she used both hands to shake it free then shook her head shaking her mane utterly naturally free

 

                                                                                              What a beauty

he liked when happenstance treated him well

though his happenstances usually did when it came to women

in the right place at the right time

who knew the DMV would ever be the right place

he thanked his lucky stars

they graced him again

 

the employee took her license photograph

itll never do her justice

if the DMV was wise and took a moment longer and created flattering shots most people wouldnt bitch the excruciatingly long wait 

          yadon like your image  yacan pay for another toss of the dice which might be as poor as the one yahave

Okay. Put your mask back on. 

                              NO Whambamthankyamaam so anticlimactic  wannabe climax strangled in its crib

she did shutdown the fireworks quickly bundled her hair up and confined it again kinda like closing a exquisite dangerous stiletto

she did what she was told

he had to get himself a woman like that

the DMV is publicspace

NOT IN PUBLIC

NOT ALLOWED

TRESPASSERS WILL BE VIOLATED he loved that sign he saw hung badly on a barbedwire fence in Montana  

if he didnt do all the things he did that he wasnt supposed to hed have lead a miserable life

the quality of ones life isnt doing what youre toldisnt falling in lineis understanding the difference between you and othersthe difference between right and wrong is standing up for what is right decrying it deploring defying it not lipservice  but getting in its face because the very first thing to understand about wrong is that itll never correct itself 

it has to be corrected 

                     all that shit ran subterranean through his brain as he watched the employee and goddess conclude their interaction

then she was gone 

                   gone as suddenly as she appeared    

he hmmedstroked his masked chin  returned to his book

he decided she was never there

a figment of his imagination 

he liked figs 

            sometimes they presentedrolled out of his imagination when boredom picked at him like a cat bound indoors picked with a claw at a screened window trying to work its way out        

0819,  Twosday,  23  3. 21

1157,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  24  3. 21

Siegel- Schwall Band  Shake for Me  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zH97-Ckmqtc

thatll teach him

he should have just gone to bedhe was tired  instead he decided to play with God  rather with the Hebrew Tetragrammaton (its most recent iteration looks like a stylised n i n ’ – his girl  Anais Nin)

YHWH  Yahweh

JHVH  Jehovah

Hebrews have seven names for God

he didnt understand why

he had two

his first name

when he crossed his parentsfrosted their fannies he was his first and middle name

he read that the Tetragrammaton four letters were used a symbol for the ineffablethe unpronounceable name of God

hmm  ineffable 

                    1.  beyond expression  indescribable  unspeakable 

                    2.  not to be uttered  taboo

thatll teach him

he dreamed

waking the following morningknowing that he was teed up knowing that he dreamed an ineffable dream for a man he figured hed blow his whistle on taboo on his somehow assigned ineffable dream that YHWH or JHVH might have slipped him to let him choke on it  be ashamed 

                                                 Fuckya  Im just the screen it was projected onthe canvas painted  that yaYHWH amused yourself but using me aint gonna shut my mouth

he took a deep breath of fresh air 

                                   runners on your mark  get ready  get set . .  GO he ran his share of race and won several

 

he found himself in bed with a small young slender blonde man smooth cheeked  hairless  a male version of a groomed saloned woman

they spoke intellectually  thatll get ya in trouble

they were naked  thatll get ya in trouble    

the young man embraced himkissed him imbued by his Eastern European culture men kissed men he kissed his father uncles brothers cousins never thought it queer he was not upset by the kiss it was pleasurable

evidently the kiss was more pleasurable for the young man he became aroused and physicallyforcefully pushed him down on the bed and rubbed his sex he could write penis but the only thing funnierlooking than the word is an actual penis against his 

             it was not unpleasant  he in-kind became aroused  while he enjoyed the contact and the kissing he was unsurehis eyes were closed asif closed eyelids were noncommittal  

                                                                       it wasnt until in a huskythick voice that the young man wanted him to turn over onto his belly that it got real  the thought to be fucked – he visualised it in his mind – I want you to suck my cock. – he visualised it in his mind – the reality nauseated him  the kisses were no longer sweet 

No

the young mans not listening to him  is on him like a dog 

No

hes not hearing him

Stop

he doesnt

he doesnt waste his breath and physically throws the young man onto the bedroom hardwood floor 

I  said  Stop

dumped on the floor clutching the slack of the throw rug under him he acts wounded he begins to cry Is that a thing

then from above he sees them in the bedroom  hes on a voluminous bed white linens pillows and blankets  the young man silently crying on the honeycoloured wood floor  then it is a white silent space asif they are in a container  in the sense that the whiteness of the now-sprawling bed consuming bed  the whiteness inhibiting any sort of edge or horizon or atmosphere  there seems no top no bottom  a great white metastisising void

he could still see the young man his well-shaped head his shoulder no muscular definition  he thought he could still hear his whining disappointment 

                                   his Shaddup unheard his anger roils  he wants to leave but he continues to sit and listen and look about and smell feel the bedding enjoy the translucence  the utterness of the white  a white light casting no shadows  he is surrounded  the white become fluid  it defining his extremities  filling in-between his fingers and toes  when he opens his mouth for a breath it enters his mouth  fills his nostrils  fills himhis lungs as he breathes  he slowly is becoming part of the white fabric 

                                             just before he wakes he is aware of only himself asif hed been alone the whole time the girlish man never was no sense of violation or anger asif hes a whipped aerated eggwhite 

he wakes  its morning           

1129,  Twosday,  4  2. 92 

1414,  Twosday,  23  3. 21 

 

the shit he wandered into when he read the dictionary

intinction 

           he immediately thinks tincturehes wrong hes okay being wrong hed been wrong more often that he was right  his object was not to be afraid of being wrong  in school he saw all those hands suffer by not going upby being ashamed they might be wrong he threw his up WRONGawright he learned by being wrong his problem may have been by throwing his hand up too quicklyhis classmates anticipating him that they let him wallow publicly which saved them from their errors he figured they debased themselves quietly in their own minds ANYONE ELSE? the teacher would ask if she was looking for another sacrifice GOD FORBID SHE SHOULD CALL ON ONE  then correcting him usuallymajoritively there was an unmistakable communicable sigh that blew up behind him he could feel it on the back of his ears he always sat at the front of the class if he didnt in his head he was likely to flee the confines of the classroom astral projection pull a Jack London Star Rover he bet he could if anyone could  when other kids were reading Charlotte’s Web he untangled himself and used her web as a slingshot   he read Charlotte long ago

intinction 

          he wasnt too far afield it was the Eucharist the host dipped TINCTURE in consecrated wine a wine which didnt give him anymore a head than other wines did – hedve figured sneaking into Church chugging their wine crossing the priesthood The Three Stooges The Father Son and Holy Ghost that it should have been a mindblowing experience -- NADA 

       intinction therefore was like a cop dunking his donut at a local diner or coffee shop 

he supposed at a young age his persona was fixed

persona 

         Latin mask  the role a person assumes to display his conscious intentions to himself and others

Nin wrote in her diary Anais Nin her preference the portrait of the subconscious self rather than the persona offered to the world

she was wrong 

                she wrote in her exhaustive diary amassed over nearly fifty years that it was the place where she could write her anger rage jealousy write of her demons openly honestly without fearing criticism not fearing NO

where she could expose her dreams

she was wrong

                writing a diary is not writing openly  honestly

he felt badly that she didnt embrace her separateness overtly  her individuality originality

he exposed himselfhe said things others preferred he did not

he didnt do it for shock

he did it to be honest 

                     anif someone thoughtand there were occasions that what he said was revelatory he smiled See revelations neednt come from God or gods or saints a broken-toothed gutter rat wearing sour clothing could make a revelation 

            so be it 

he was honest

                a divulger  dis -- abroad broadcast perhaps  vulgare make common make public publish

a divulsioner   tearing apart  violently separating

 

its all there

open a dictionary  read 

1101,  Twosday,  4  2. 21

1052,  Twosday,  23  3. 21