the craziest things seeped into his soddenbrain when he took hot therapeutic baths

all the lights in the house were off 

it was silent

             rather silent after the echoes of crashing water filling the tub subsided

he went inlaid downthinking nothing at all

      then 

             his latest trick was to close his eyes and in that dark  against the back of his eyelids summons an opaque shimmering paleblue colouring and try to make heads or tails out of unorthodox shadows appearing beyond it

he thought of it as an artesian well a tunnel backback back  a mythic wormhole and if he was sufficiently lubed greased oiled up transactions occurred 

                                         he saw thingsnot that he had visions  he saw thingswatched them  and people and places which materialised ad hoc irrespective of Time or era or anything static or unable to mutate or transform

he was transfixedonce he accomplished the shimmer by the chaotic morphing or selective recycling loopinglooping looping  seeming to question if he truly was paying attention before an aspect or suspect would breakout to stand stage center for his appraisal

                          anif he tarriedif he was too slow on the uptake  it came apart like a childs toy puzzle fragmented  blew away like hot searing ash and scarred the face of the reemerging inky blackness 

                                                                                                         then it churned away whirledswirledabsorbed forcing him to begin agonagain

 

he was getting better at it

somehow beyond the agitatedmire reseizing his eyes blackening them he had become aware that despite trying to still himself his fingers defied him like octopus tentacles rolling and tapping at the porcelain tubs edge  and that their subtle metre caught the shimmers attention and like a sounded whale it resurfaced exhaled and blew colour onto the screen of his eyelids granting him another try 

                                     written in a suddenscrolling sharp whiteedged scarlet electric script demimondaine  because it ran so fast he first guessed demanddance but recalled the o  demondance  not demondame  ahno demi he remembered his college roommates wedding  he stoodup as an usher  demimondaine 

                                                                         a disembodied voice I told Alexandria you’d escort her into church and seat her on my side of the aisle. 

Right he heard himself answer again An Ill know her how

You can’t miss her, won’t miss her.

Cant wont  an I know nothing of her except for her name

No. You remember a few night back, I said she prefers being called a demimondaine, not a kept woman.

Yes  I do 

And of course she knows your name.

An whaelse nothing else  The grooms men are dressed alike

I told her that she can’t he snorted a laugh won’t mistake you.

he didnt mistake her 

                       out of a long black limousine  the chauffeur opened the door  it swang back  a vision in a sparkling silverwhite gown emerged  Alexandrina

he tossed his arms wide I got this boys 

                                          but they pressed himthey werent in on his roommates plan  they wanted to get this

the churchs stone treads were deep the risers short he almost went from nose to nose on his leather soles beating them down the first eightnine steps  had they pursued any furthur it would have seemed gauche

extending his arm to her she took him by his elbow he placed his hand on hers   Alexandrina

Joe. How quaint is this, our meeting finally? Michael’s spoken of you for years.

Quaint Anif I may you look splendid 

                                      the shimmer returned and shared their words with him asif they had been recorded and paintedstreaked broken images with dry brushstrokes reflecting funhouse mirrorshards and crumbling mosaic pieces inklings queer origami but revealing enough so he could see again by binding the bits together see like a projected film of missing frames half-frames frames deteriorating decaying

more than thirty years ago

he hadnt visited it since the time passed

a broken glass bead off a snapped lost chain 

                                                   then it was gone 

the black returned like clotted mold

     he tried 

                          he tried

the water grew cold

his shivering upset the metre of his rolling fingers

between 2340 Thursday and 0040 Friday,  21 & 22  1. 21

2302,  Sunday,  24  1. 21

 

its a queer thinghed been caught if caught is the appropriate word even when he was caught redhanded he didnt avert his eyes theyd keencatch him hed nod his appreciationhe wasnt leering theyd smile they took it as he meant a compliment

it was particularly queer when he was found admiring an attribute  say their ass when he wasnt an ass man

he supposed if he took the time to make a list breasts at the top asses wouldnt crack the top ten

breasts

widespaced eyes

throats

armpits

 

                  he remembered coming into an aisle in a grocery store where a young woman was reaching on tiptoes for a can of something or other her armpit was cleanshaven appeared sculpted he could either trace up her muscled arm or dip into the side of her ample breast  an intriguing no-mans land

Can I help he asked

Please, if you would, it’s just beyond my reach.

I can see 

           Did you jump

Excuse me?

Did you try to jump and snatch it off the shelf

Jump?

Yes

The can is heavy, it’s also awkward; its bigger round than I can comfortably hold.

Sounds like excuses 

                       You should try and jump and knock it free from the shelf then catch it as it falls

You really think so.

Tell ya wha I couldnt help but notice you all stretched upreaching youll excuse me if I tell you how attractive you are and were in your attempt 

                            I was particularly fascinated by your armpit which if not striking you odd struck me odd You have an attractive armpit as well

she blushed

The colour looks good on you

                               That admitted if you jump earnestly to try an rock the can an cant Ill get it for you I have to admit that this is an odd happenstance but its nature is quite revelatory Prior to this moment an forever beyond you have informed me of the beauty of a womans armpit

she blushed a deeper shade 

Thank you Ive been petty  Thank you for the illumination

she jumped once 

                   twicea third time without him cajoling her hed run them over in his mind that night and nights since

OKAY Yer killin me 

                      a peal of deep laughter rolled from her throat she didnt cover her mouth

You keep that up Ill fall in love with you

One can

through her big smilethrough bright tears in her eyes 

                                                        Yes, one can, please.

I may not be here next time

Okay.  Three cans.

Smart Theyre on sale today

he handed her two more cans 

                                 That was delightfulthank you

Thank you.

Yare welcome 

he was happy to help and over the moon to recognise a womans armpit as worthy of admiration                                                                      

1702,  Saturday,  23  1. 21

John Coltrane  Ascension  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-81AEUqHPzU

  

nice thingbout bein drunk soakin in a hot salted tub is how discordant things want to come together although sometimes kinda like an orgy he didnt wanna be a part of 

                                                 Who me  You.  Me yahsure me  Me  You.

in confounding blitzes of liquor and drugs he found himself gettin head by cousinsfingerin cousins fuckin kissincousins cuz  Why not it was sexthey had no desire to procreate   ooooh  or makin monsters

 

he walked in a carpeted hallwayhe couldnt hear his steps 

                                                              doors at either side were alternated so emergingopening one it did not open to a door across from it  tasteful he thought  and every door he passed was different than the next  heavy wood doors  elaborate plain painted stained  they were fascinating and drew him down the hall to admire the next and the next  the hallway ended at a beveled paneglass door which exited onto a broadbut not deep outdoor balcony where he breathed fresh air and mused about what door he would go through 

                                                                                           it occurred to him suddenly that overhead was another balconyanother floor  he reentered padded slowly down the hall again admiring the doors their possible selection and nearing the end of the hallway he could either veer left to go Up or right to go Down  veering left onto a wide staircase he realised he had no idea how he came to be there    seems  he materialised

the next floor the next hallway was alike and inkind every door was different and different from the ones below 

returning again to the staircases he went right for on the floor below was the door that keened his imagination and remained unequaled

it was a chalky paleblue whitewashed door that was no taller than his shoulder 

he tried the bolt

it slipped aside noisily but without hesitation or trouble

he ducked pushed it in and entered a room  it was dark

he closed the door behind him and slipped the bolt back in place  this time it was silent

he stoodfast letting his eyes become accustomed to the dim

one large room  to his left off the threshold were two stuffed chairs a small threelegged table between them pole lamps aside each chair on the wall opposite him was an enormous wardrobe a dressing chair to its left 

                                                                                                      furthur to its left was the reminder of the room occupied by an pale apparition a huge bed  white linens  under them a form  a womans form 

he walked to the side of the bed

he could hear her breathing she wasnt asleep  she was tentative  she was listening to him

when he went to gently pull on the sheet to reveal her she murmured No almost breathless she had been on her side facing him she rolled onto her back still disguised he liked what her form suggested the way the sheet lay on her face he could see hints of widespaced eyes a wide nose prominent though not big high cheekbones a firm jaw small shoulders large breasts narrow waist wide hips and while admiring her hips asif she had been following his appraisal she spread her legs

                                revealed through a slit in the sheet her sex like a flower unfurling  soft curled pubic hair

anonymous sex

 

hed decline 

             he couldnt begin to say how many times he refused to turn out bedroom lights to  make love Nah  to fuck  whawas there to be shy about  

they were there

they were naked 

                   he had every intention of turning them inside out takinem in crazy positionswarming them up on topface to face  bland missionary but making eyescreating the sense of him and her  then breakingout and flipgetting behind above under  later flicking his tongue like a snakes at their perineumthem jumping over the moon him grippedholding them by their hips and feasted fore and aft 

Guaranteed

 

he put his hand at her belly above the slit and gripped her she squirmed just a bit

he released his grip having enjoyed her marvelous radiatingwarmth 

                                                                        then stepped back and awayshe was alert

he turned walked to the door  noiselessly slid the bolt and left 

                                                                  the door and she indelibly etched in his memory 

 

0101,  Reggae Friday,  22  1. 21

1343,  Saturday,  23  1. 21

Pharoah Sanders  Ole  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEfOkuigXsk

 

 

piece of shit

 

Donave yer fuckin computers call me following matriculating orders of thoughtless algorithms 

                                                                                                  Don call me whoever yare unless yawanna man up  unless yawanna foot the bill  pay a human being to call

Ifnot doncall

Anif I ever find out 

                     not that Id waste my time but if I were ever to find out who you are

I aint callin

Im knockin on yer door

Might do yerself a favour 

                            Annot answer  

2020,  Thursday,  21  1. 21

 

to wander near an opened dictionary on a stand in a library was like a set trap he its unsuspecting prey 

                                                                                                            he couldnt resist

among the manymany things he had trouble resisting the widespread dictionary was like a woman who beckoned him 

anhe couldnt wait to get his nose down inbetween its pages 

he entered it looking for agon which he read in Lawrence Durrells The Black Book

first he found anile 

                     1. of or like an old woman 

                     2.  senile

( Latin anilis, from anus, he imagined hed sidestep anilis spewed from an anus  old woman )  anwhy was old woman was derived from anus 

            he didnt know that anwhen he learned things such as that he look madly around for anyone to tell there were only librarians old librarians anuses not like he could stroll overinterrupt them yawanna bet Excuse me Yawanna hear wha I just learned from the dictionary theyd lookup over their glasses at him humour him its not wise to humour him  Yare an anus

                 nah he didnt do thatwanted to do that  but he didnt   but he wanted to

returning to the dictionary his eye fell on anilingus  n. oral stimulation of the anus for sexual excitement hed definitely take the bubblegum out of his mouth for that either for not wanting to lose it or to stop himself from blowing big pink bubbles ( New Latin: Latin anus (a grapheme over the a  making it a long a) + Latin lingere, to lick; see leigh – in the Appendix ) OHMY have to go to the Appendix getting in the weeds no idea what he might find there he held his breath and dove like a high dive into water he hadnt plumbed to know if it was deep enough hed know soon enough could be thats a rushthats like walking on thin ice and listening to gentle fractures listening to its gibberish and cackles hoping the ice would forgive him  his trespass

BINGO  made it   leigh --   important derivatives are lick + lecher

leigh --  to lick 1. electuary (a medicinal substance mixed with honey or another sweet substance), “.  just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down” thanks Mary lichen, from Greek leikhein, to lick … B. lecher, from Old French, lecher, to live in debauchery DAMN no address (from Germanic * likkon grapheme over the o  a long o 3. nasalized zero-grade form * li-n-gh anilingus, cunnilingus from Latin, lingere, to lick)

                                                      went round in a circle   whagoes round cums round

 

back on track Durrells tapping his foot waiting on him  agon 

                                                                   agon --  1. a conflict

3. a test of will ( Greek, agon grapheme over the o  a long o SEE AGONY )

      agony

            1.  suffering intense physical or mental pain

            2.  the struggle that precedes death

            3.  a violent of intense struggle 

                                                   Durrell wrote in Black Books preface  the book is only a savage charcoal sketch of spiritual and sexual etiolation FUCK Durrell  whadahells etiolation 

nose back between those heady musty pages

etiolation 

           2.b. to make weak by stunting growth or development estrus or oestrus state of sexual arousal, excitement in female mammals, excluding humans  in heat  he knew heat  he knew more than a few women who went into heatwho said as much  Sometimes I just need a good fuck. somewhere overhead angelas fingering themselves beat their wings while accompanying angels beat their meat    

that threw him for a loop or mebbe he had too much slack in the Bunnings bondage rope he used heat  why would the definition exclude human females 

                  an earthlings an earthling and speaking of estrus or oestrus  esurience  n. hungry, greedy 

the anuses eyeballed him  he was tapping the dictionary stand with his cock Whacha lookin at  Im reading here

LOOK at this demisemiquaver  a demisemiquaver is a 32nd musical note  he tried like hell to hit them on his saxophone  he wasnt agile enough 

                         but he digresses

     not really 

                 demimonde 1. a. a class of women kept by wealthy lovers or protectors (he had one of those but that was a story for another time  she was a hoot)

                             1. b.  women prostitutes considered as a group 

a demimondaine a woman belonging to the demimonde 

                                                           fucking lyrical mebbe in his next life he would return a woman and tear it up as he was tearing it up now

probably would be frowned upon 

                                   mebbe not if he was a hot wealthy woman 

going down the rabbithole

 

                            demisemiquaver 

amusia the inability to recognise musical tones or reproduce them otherwise tone deafness

aphasia partial or total loss of the ability to articulate ideas or comprehend spoken or written language

agraphia a disorder marked by the loss of the ability to write

Almost there

alexia loss of the ability to read  he dated an Alexia briefly she was beautifulbut dumb

aboulia loss or impairment of the ability to make decisions or act independently 

                                                                                    never his trouble

Oh shitAWW that thrust against the stand did it 

he ejaculated 

messed his pants

better beat it before the anuses fall on himcatch a whiff of his funk 

no telling wha the library fine was for masturbating

at least he was in the adult section

                                       hur

0101,  Sunday,  15  8. 93

1231,  Thursday,  21  1. 21

Harry Nilsson  Coconut  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsSuueEGQSM

 

he always thought hed have that 

                                   thought hed grow old with his wife enjoy grandchildrennot many only their eldest was prone to the idea of having kids their youngest had no interest in birthing 

                                                                                   Ain't nothing that large passing through a hole that small without real pain and lingering discomfort. Knock yourself out, sis.

she wasnt ten when she spoke those words

he wasthey were proud of their girls 

                                      even as little girls they spun at a higher attitude orbits  few could pull the wool over their eyes 

he was the eldest of nine childrenhe helped raised little ones before leaving home  not one of them could hope to fly higher than a kite caught in a tree top 

                                       thats not true a baby sister a real lulu had gumption had balls she didnt like it when she could understand when he told her she had balls                                                                                                                               Save it honey I can see it in your face Youve heard me say so Someone tries to get up on youyour face sets they back off if theyre smart Yadon say it Your face speaks for you  Suck my cock. 

               Anif your face tells someone to suck your cock why should you bother being upset with me sayin you got balls Mens genitalia is not handsome Anya aptly swing it over your head like Davids sling looking to bring down Goliaths of either sex who mess with ya 

                                          Take it If I have girls Id want them to be like you in every way possible Just a bit smarter 

            There you golook at that face Yes suck your cock I hear yahear ya loud an clear 

an old man and woman were trimming a tree in their front yard  wind was blowing something fierce  they may have hoped it was the front edge of an approaching rainstorm

walking past he teased them how smart they were  putting the pole saw up on a limb and letting the wind do the work

they hahaed together

Have a fine afternoon he said as he continued walking down the street 

reaching the street cornernot forty metres off he kept thinking of them together helping each other thought to himself that he imagined he and his wife as an old couple his parents were eightynine eightyseven 

                                                                                             the beauty of a fiftyyear togetherness given when they married at eightynine and eightyseven theyd have sixtyseven years of togetherness  

his heart ached

wasnt meant to be             

probably 2ish,  Twosday,  19  1. 21

1550,  Twosday,  19  11. 21 

Beatles  When I’m 64   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7TANPFMf1k 

 

 

he felt like crying all the time 

                                hed lost his wife  he lost his sister daughter and mother within a year and a halfhis daughter and mother in two weeks  

he had good reason to cry 

                            the most powerful women of his tribe were dead and only two remained who could possibly be confidantes  who he could bounce things off

since realising Trump virus was overwhelming the countryspread by selfish inaction he had few distractions to pursue that could quiet the pain in his heart

he was by himself

he was embattled 

he felt like crying all the time 

                                not very manly he disagreed maybe if neuteredtheir emotions cut away they could insist on their coldness their callousness  but he had always maintained anything anyfuckingthing he did was masculine 

             he was a man

grief

sorrow

ought to be sexless and embraced

 

1654,  Monday,  18  1. 21

1221,  Twosday,  19  1. 21

one - two punch

all he could do against their sparkling one-two punch was duck coverup   submit

Ms. Amanda Gorman’s poem  

                               https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jp9pyMqnBzk

Rev. Silvester Beaman's benediction                                 

                                       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjc1dHaC-jA

1132,  Inauguration Day, Day-between-Two-Ts,  20  1. 21

 

theyd been drinking plentywere inebriated words were coming out funny which always entertained him and he laughed harder than anyone at others slurs and mispronunciations helter skelter juxtapositions and dropped thoughts What was I saying?

This is time for telling stories boys Man up

the other six at the circular knifecarvedup wood table went quiet

he wasnt terribly drunk he was happyappeased which to him meant slightly pissed  as his New Zealand and Australian friends said

he didnt care for the term hisself

                                  however when it slipped out of their mouths anthey knew he didnt care for it it didnt seem so offensive not as offensive as when he heard it in the States

 

since no stories were apparently forthcoming he offered the first hoping to loosen some tongues around the table

concluding it he sat back grabbed the barmaid gently by the wrist as she was passing she didnt mind and ordered himself another whisky and beer

Can’t drink house whisky, man? You always gotta have something separate?

the guy was a prickwasnt a friend an acquaintance

Yadrink whaya like Ill drink wha I like friend friend sounded asif he spat Whos got the next story

prick said nothing

the other five sucked their beers

Awright a second One morelast one outa my mout

concluding the second it was a peach they all laughedwhich was his intent  Awright Whos steppin up an in Whos got the next tale

prick opened his mouth

                         You know, man, your stories make you sound like a peeker; a pervert.

Lemme fill in the blanks yacant fill without insult despite yer intent I prefer voyeur I place keen details in my stories as I try to recreateas best I can so what Im saying others might see see better 

                                                                                I wouldnt be here if I wasnt a keen observer My life depended on it

Frankly prick if I were you Id be dead 

You got a mouth on you! he angrily tried to push away in his chair from the table but his heels slipped on the peanut shells on the sawdusted floor 

                              Motherfuck passed out of his mouth but looking up he saw that he stood over him

Yawere saying

                Where Ive been youd be a dead man

he was smart to not say anything probably the smartest hed ever been in his life

he rapped him on the forehead with his index finger 

                                                       I got one more story Innarested  prick

meekishly Okay.

Awright In defense of my ass as yasay being a perv a peeker Again I prefer voyeur or just fuckin observant I served a tour in Nam as a tunnel rat

When I went down for induction Select Service the draft When the group I was in was supposed to step forward acknowledge that they were submitting I didnt

I enraged the military and pseudo-militarythe community members who sat on the Draft Board

I signed my name declaring my refusal to enter the Army with a period at its end

I was in the first groupthe morning group

They kept me assuring me they had the right to hold me over for the next group later that morning  

They encouraged me to reconsider

                                     If not whadaya gonna do kill my family

When the second group assembled standing in three lines thirty guys I was at the front

Time came to step forward They did  I did not

Again I signed my name but with a bigger period at its end

Military and the civilian comandante really got their panties in a knot

Enthusiastically they explained to me that never since the Draft begansince it was commenced had they not sent every available A-1 draftee in the community into service

Cocksure I said Sorry boys hate to bust yer perfect bubble but I aint going to fight someone I have no grudge against or existential reason to fight Terrible thing bombin a country back into the Stone Age

I felt a pinch on my arm

When I came to I was on a rear seat of a sedan My hands were shackled together feet shackled a bind strung between them Hogtied Well I aint never sees a hog get out of one so I didnt resist I closed my eyes and went back to dreamland I can always muster a good dream

I woke up in a cell

Crazy to see sunlight passing through bars

Later that morning I was visit by three military officers who presented me with paperwork irrefutable paperwork they said that bore my signature agreeing to my induction 

Damn if my signature didnt have a period at its end 

Only times I ever placed it to exemplify and exacerbate my abject derision to the draft     

he nodded his head  It was a forgery

Three weeks into boot camp I injured enough draftees that at night in my rack I suffered another pinch on the arm When I came to I was drooling down the front of my khakis I was on a military aircraft flying to Nam

I was small then

I was designated tunnel rat

Before the end of my first tour Id grown into my mature body put on four inches and sixty pounds couldnt be a rat nomo

And Id kill someone before Id reup

 

The point of my story is I am fucking observant 

                                                  Naif yawanna take our differences outside an discuss them Im happy to oblige

Otherwise Prick  Shut yer piehole      

2304,  Monday,  18  1. 21

1254am,  Twosday,  19  1. 21