he forced himselfhe gagged  food rarely made him gag
                                                           he was trying to eat a majority blackbruised banana he didnt throw food away or maybe  because despite himself  he had overlaid the darklingflesh superimposed on it ovary
a banana is an ovary 
yet
    he ate eggs raw ovaries nothing ever overlaid it not even if yolk was speckled with blood or if it was a fertilised egg and a little numbnut partially-formed  crunchy

he preferred food raw or as near raw as possible

steaks black and blue

steak tartare

thickcut liver  cold and pink between its seared flesh

sushi

parcooked parboiled vegetables

he was rarely thrown off by food
                                  Limburger cheese
what didntwhat wouldnt he eat

he didnt know yet
                    but blackbruised bananas they challenged him

his grandmother preferred her bananas overripe
                                                   when he squirmed about his bruised banana shed shut him up snatch the banana out of his hand and bite it like a beaver at a tree 
                                                               she ate it with relish

he probably ate them now to spite himself and as penance for the stink he made as a boy

shed eyeball him say something in Polish she spoke broken English if she wanted him to know what she meant he had a good idea she didnt want him to know what she thought of him in that moment peckerwood shitheel  grandparents were allowed to be derogatory of their grandchildren they werent their children 

when she became frustrated or angry and he was no slough engendering either in her the Polish slopped out over the top of its container hard guttural snarling  Polish
he wished he knew what she said

he wished he had the tongue to recreate it

Please he hoped it was vile  

he hoped it was I shit on your bed

Yes please  Shit on me too

bruised bananas
                      lyrical euphony   phonaesthetics

any opportunity he had to remember his grandmother he welcomed

0450,  Twosday,  18  2. 20
1554,  Thursday,  20  8. 20

6 months earlier they wanted to pay for his haircut – he still hadnt cut it

No thank you  I do however appreciate your thought 

they insisted

he declined he got his hair cut when he wanted Again no thank youbut thanks

they insisted more vigourously plainlynow upset

No Thank you

                  I know you appreciate I have a barber I prefer he cuts my hair I like to help support him  NOthankyou

they conceded

              though obviously irritated

not as irritated as he

                      he thought that they wanting him have his hair cut was audacious

he knew it came from a good place but they sprang it on himthe beautician out of the goodness of her own heart was coming to their home had they asked prior when she offered he also would have declined

he was a big boybeen on his own the eighteen years

hed make his own arrangements

when he wanted his hair cut

(he was bitching – just had to get it off his chest)

0511,  Monday,  17  2. 20

1247,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  19  8. 20

he went to ask what they were watching when he recognised that it was a reality television show on ABC its ghostly imprimatur in the lower righthand corner of the screen

the imprimatur reminded him of dried cat piss the discolouration the odor  it smelled like ABC

                                                                                                    JesusChrist he thought by now reality television would have died

he didnt have a TV he hadnt watched TV in twenty years except for professional football and hockey at a bar

he recalled the first shows that fascinated his wife and daughters Come! Sit down. Watch it with us.

he had a book to read  Ill sit with you

what he overheard was drivel spastic baby drool splashed on the small screen

somehow they ate it up and chided him for not watching

he laughed

            I think Im providing an excellent example of how not to submit to peer pressure

they didnt laugh they were abuzz at the nonsense they witnessed

Its not reality Any time someones got a camera on you and youre aware of it youre acting youre fake

                                                                                                           What was real that you just watched Youre watching the producers reality loosely-scripted encouraging particular outcomes fomenting phony drauma

Drauma, Dad, it’s drama.

Drauma Drama plus trauma

                               Im not interested in it Id rather read than watch that on television

they were ardent fans

twenty years later they were still watching it

                                                and yet he still couldnt understand their adamancy to have him sit with them ignoring it  and ignoring them

he didnt try to make them read

their choice

as he was welcome to his choice

he never understood the attraction

                                    perhaps it is the opiate of the masseshis coworkers frittered away breaks and lunches talking about the numerous shows the many characters the reality celebrities

if he entered the breakroom and overheard it he refreshed his coffee and kept right on going

he didnt ask any more than they would have asked him what he was reading

still his family tried to encourage him

Please Dont try to infect me Not going to happen I got books to read

he had workouts to do swimming to do saunas to take he had no time for inane productions

Life was too short

0711,  Monday,  17  2. 20

1212,  Thursday,  20  8. 20

Beatles  Let It Be  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDYfEBY9NM4

he wondered how long hed been doing it mebbe innarested knowing since when since there was no end in sight 

he was good at doing things without knowing when they would end

he didnt look up head down
                                head down also applies to what happened before

he could probably backtrack – if he had time – who has that time – if he went through the reams of pages and notes  through the times days months years laid one on top the other like a perverse calendar
                                                                                            single leaf multiple leaves
stacks clutches side by sidemebbe three feet high on the long wall behind him

an exgirlfriend didnt attack him in anger
                                         she hit him below the beltdidnt women know that wasnt cool 

she strewn the pilesscattered them helter-skelter  

he didnt have time to shuffle the pages in order again

she said
          Just be happy I didnt burn ‘em.

an ex because she cheated on him  she thought he was cheating on her

like he ever had that kind of time or want

mebbe she forgot or wasnt listening when he told hershowed her repeatedly  he acted out of need   not want

You’re not ambitious.

Cheatings ambitious

Just be happy I didn’t burn them.

Had you Idve fingered you for it  an never look back

he tried not to let the turmoil bother him

he didnt need help creating disorder if thats what he wanted
                                                                 he didnt want

his book were similar stacked

he used clean typewriter paper folded in half to mark the page where he stopped

the paper was in case he found a passage he couldnt let go of
                                                                  he either made a notation what pagewhat paragraph or scribbled the words that inflamed him

hed use the compelling words then added his two cents always crediting the writer

every book he collected provoked him addled him

it was edifying the more he knew the less he knew

the books were gospel they were as necessary to him as was breathing eating urinating defecating
                                                                                                         none he did absently he tried always to be invested in the moment

when he revealed that in conversation he explained that if he genuinely appreciated his food and drink how could he pass without appreciating it again

he loved to shit just not after he showeredFuckno

No 
       he wouldnt look uplook ahead

he was going to be grateful for what he hadwhat would come

                                                                        unexpectedly

2109,  Monday,  17  2. 20

1639,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  19  8. 20

Joe Henderson  Chelsea Bridge  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mL-KEK_aY8

ceviche

cervixes or cervices

                          vixens  vices

his host served clam ceviche

hed only had fish before

                         though he wouldntve batted an eye if he was served cervix ceviche

Cervix ceviche? You’re a sick puppy.

Hey coffee tastes better when someone makes it for youeverything tastes better if its made for you 

                                                                                                        Bloody Marys martinis pasta barbecue fruit pies blueberry pancakes sausages tri-tip sweetbreads kidneys

when someone treats you

    --  24 349 47  -- 

                              it wasnt tickertape it didnt scroll

we do not treat or accommodate machines

                                           rather not yet although  a computer tucked away inside it   we may have to

he liked machines that turned On turned Off

had a set function

                    a singular functionfewer moving parts  the least moving parts possible

more parts more interactions more probelms not misspelled  more can go wrong  ON – OFF

even then he disliked them

he was terribly fond of hand tools 

he wasnt treated often

that might be his excuse

0415—ish,  Monday,  17  2. 20

1202,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  19  8. 20

Black Sabbath  Changes  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LMog_UTd9E

he was taking a shower

he heard it in his head Im gonna wash that man right out of my hair . . a commercial . musical . . . hecouldnt . ah he could  Mitzi Gaynor  South Pacific

                                        a dull neuron fired

his second shower in a weekhed been too busytoo busy for all the right reasons

too early in the day bed at 11 up at 4Johnny on the spot

                                                               showers amplified his fatigue

they didnt refresh himdidnt wash a damn thing away

                                                         showers let his tiredness glom get in his eyes inside his head where he entered with trepidation like opening a closet in a tenement letting rooms not caring about the tenants until they didnt pay the rent on time

                        NO EXCUSES

                                               NO EXTENSION

and since no one per se paid them any attentionFuck what rights they think they may have or were written he didnt have leases cash-in-hand he had skeleton keys he knew enough about locksmithing had the tools that hed still get inside if a lock was changed

stack their shit in the hall

leave a cardboard sign FREE on it

                                    if they werent sharp theyd lose the Murphy bed they slept on and every fucking thing they thought they owned

shits only borrowed  Proof when ya die whadaya takin with ya

YAH  showers didnt do shit for him except clean his body erase his odor

                                                                             they muddied up his consciousness

he was his own shadow aping himself like a puppet hung on string wire or tenterhooks  usually  painfully

nobody said Life was going to be easy

suck it up

1458,  Sunday,  16  2. 20

1059,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  19  8. 20

South Pacific  I’m Gonna Wash that Man Right Outa my Hair  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qr3wH4u4xus

there are different ways people gauge time

                                              dependent wholly dependent  on demands made upon them

work is a culprit

                  as are the indoctrination of schooleducation entertainment   family and friends

time is tendered by clocks watches cellfones public displays

                                                                ticktockticktocktic . .

his time was novel

he went to bed when he was tired

                                     he rose eventually well after he woke  he liked playing with his hypnagogic playmate   

usually he was roused by the sunlight through his bedroom window it faced east it was devoid of a window treatment he kept the glass spick and spaninside and out  it had to get mighty cold before he closed the windowstopped the flush of fresh air

he never took his waking for granted

when he wokewhen his eyeballs popped openHellyah! What a gift!  Thank you!

to be fair he would be remiss if he also didnt credit his cats

                                                              they were also alert to dawn  they ran roadraced across him

he was not dependent on timepieces

                                       his inestimable fortune was that time turned on his ball point pens when they ran out of ink he kept three or four beside him  interchanged them they had to keep up with his writing and were accents and peripherals to the sixseven books he kept influxread at same time

                                                                          trustworthy timely companions filled with goofy thoughts keen information and facts

Slip N Slides

              never to worry about coming up for air bathedsurrounded in fresh blue air

had someone caught him on the street and asked him for the time hed share what was on his cellfone

that time would be three minutes slow

his fone was set to Trilogy time

                                  the make of the ventilator his daughter used

                                                                                  to be precisely on her time

until they werent

0719,  Sunday,  16  2. 20

1336,  Twosday,  18  8. 20

Mingus Dolphy  Meditations on Integration  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhMEwE3te6A  

he was takin a leak

it was pleasant

his fingers and wrists were working better

                                           not as much pain in them fingers locking wrists feeling like there was broken glass inside them

but because they were workingfeeling better

                                             he wondered what it would be when he missed the painthe discomfort he preferred to call it discomfort

an excuse?

             a crutch that helped him embrace he was alive the day to day reminder  discomfort  telling him YOURE ALIVE!

perversehuh

            he didnt know a better way

the species is easily complacent

0059,  Sunday,  16  8. 20

1539,  Twosday,  18  8. 20

                                                                   affirmations

affirmations

                      bitched by affirmations

hed almost been affirmed to death by relentless podcast charlatans
Really, Dadu, you aren’t getting the message?

Sorry baby I donwant their message Your cup of tea  Not mine

he didnt hurt her feelings
                           rather he saw disappointment crowd her huge eyes
                                                                                  which is to say he disappointed her hugely he was not esoteric he didnt buy into feng shu harmony  he preferred disorder chaos
                                                                                                      all this shit is a matter of taste she had her mothers tastes

I think they offer valid, critical help.

And if I maybe so blunt  for a price
                                       Maybe if they took a vow of poverty I might considerwhat you insist is their spiritual prowess

Maybe, if I maybe so blunt he pissed her off  if you’d just listen you might learn something.

Aw baby I prefer to find things that tickle me then teach myself You were always an excellent student I know you recall my report cards  I was notI struggled 

They teach you how to help yourself.

For a price

The only price I incur is my time anmy time is too precious to try an iron out an innocuous prejudice I have

Like vegetarians?

Thatll learn yahuh
                    she had vigorously insisted that he shouldnt disallow a date with a woman because they were vegetarian being a vegetarian shouldnt be a dealbreaker as he insisted it would be
                                                                                         an now he was dating one she didnt like because hallie was younger than her

Like Life coaches he asked
                             he knew he was retaliating these podcast mavens who lead people around by their pocketbooks and noses
                         if they didnt have a pocketbook they couldnt to saddle up
                                                                                       theres a real service to the humanity that they say they seek for others

Life coaches pissed him off
                             paid friends
                                           he wished he had a carnival-sizeclowny-sized gavel to bring down on the heads of people to force cease-an-desist an stop them from takin bowel-full-sized quaffs of smoke up their ass between their widespread cheeks that they willingly spread

                                             an anus is a terrible thing to waste

a taut strawberryblonde scrambled onto his lap

they had parried a couple times at the bar Do I know you Sounds like a line. I don’t know, do you know me? Ya look familiar You look familiar. But I dont know you  Gretchen. she extended her handplaced her drink in her left Joe he shook her hand a nice firm grip somebodyhe hoped her old man taught her right Good to meet you Gretchen You too, Joe. he sidestepped her to order his pint and a shot of Writers Tears Black Sheeps bartenders poured generously this was his bar

halfhour or so later Gretchen came over to the booth where he sat at its edge with friends

she sat uninvited on his lap

THAT was alright
                    her ass was firm I fit nice. she said
If yare fishing Id say ya fit nice because ya got a nice ass

Thank you?  her eyes narrowed

Youre welcome You can take a compliment

Thank you.

Youre welcome

he introduced her around the table

their eyes rolled

they werent inobvious

coy is wasted on the cool it ought to be dispersed like a One-A-Day vitamin

Gretchens lightweight bright unassuming voluptuousness grew heavy and heavier as their conversation wandered wide and near
          he was finding he didnt like her to be fair he hit her in the mouth with sex politics and religion at the get go

he finally asked the question he loathed to ask and rarely did though it was copiously asked of him
                                                                                                          Soah Gretchen whadaya do to make a living

cheerily she answered I’m a successful Life coach. I have lots and lots of clients.

Youah  fishing

Excuse me?

No You know fishing  You know the context Im using it in

the cheeriness evaporated

her incandescence began failing

her attractiveness began drying up like a bitten apple left in the sun

she scowled

scowls dont look good on anyone

she began to look like someone who was punished with a mouthful of Thistlewoods Derbys dose  
                                                                                                                 not amendable to Writers Tears

he didnt submit

her look was something to behold

didnt look like it tasted good

I help a lot of people.

Youre a friend for a price

My friendships doncost them a penny

Were friends
              he had to get her off his lap before she crushed his legs

he slipped his arm under her legsthe crook of her knees his other around her back his hand just beneath her right breasthe could feel its weight at his fingertips
                                                 and stoodup

gently he released her legs so she could find the floor

she rolled rightrolled her breast into his hand

hed like to say he didnt notice but he noticed 
                                                There you go Back onto your own two good legs Gretchen Aesthetically youre something nearly without peer But  something   It was fascinating meeting you

he couldnt say what he saw on her face
                                           two parts contempt one part bafflement a squeeze of disgust shaken not stirred  maybe a dollop of anger or rage     

he couldnt say he wasnt a bartender

he had to get its name 

he didnt want to mistakenly order one

oops over crushed ice  struggling with rejection

she wasnt a baby to throw out with the bathwater
                                                      he thought that usually her bathwater was drank

0452, Sunday,  16  2. 20

1441,  Monday,  17  8. 20