he was harsh with himself Whya draggin yer heels man? Shit. Or get off the pot, ya’ve been sidesteppin this piece for weeks.

he wasnt inappropriatefuckin accurate

                                          but while he was he he was still him an he wasnt better than his phantomNo no phantom half he wasnt a spook not a conscience but another facet off the stone out of which he was cut

Bide yer time Dont get yer panties in a bunch him in panties always made him laughcracked him up 

I’m trying to be patience.

My patience is longer than yours

I didn’t name my cock Patience.

I didnt say you did Im sayin be patience In good timegood time

so he bit his tongue always over the top he bit into his tongue and spat blood around him

Provocateur

Sometimes ya gotta dig your spurs in.

We dont ride horses

I wasn’t talking horses.

Whores

That’s my boy. Worry about you sometimes.

Dont worry about me If not me no you

Ouch.

Bitin yer tongue had to hurt worse

Temporary.

              

                                                                everything is temporary

everything believed anchored isnt

temporal

          the reason why we dig in to remember the best we can live the best we can be conscious alert  present

it passes like fine sand through our fingers clutching clutching  nothing held

we are particles

he tried to be a happy particle as best he could

                                                   happy particles though have to suffer too the trick is not to suffer more than being happy

he thought he was doing a good jobthey were doing a good job

Thank you.

As I said If not me no you

I’m just saying thank you. Take it.

Thank you

cinematic auras blinded him

                               their crimsonyellow mornings lavenderpurple evenings  haunting him

he walked on a gravel road with a woman

she wore a robe a shawl she didnt show her face

luminous eyes

she was small

ahead of them a vehicle was pulled across the road

armed men

beyond them clamoured people 

                                 children

suddenly the children like a flock of gulls flew overhead and landed before them

the vehiclethose inside without pause opened fire a hail of bullets  raggedwhispers of arms

the children deflected the bullets

they whined overhead

they draft in the childrens fearlessnesstheir unafraidness 

                                                             and they walked asif they were walking in another time or reality

there is murder behind them  a crescendo of screams other wailing children  shrieking

but they were nonchalant to the cries of the carnageunaffected by the death the dying the wounded

they walked on the gravel road which peaked like a drawbridge over the armed vehicle the bloodblinded men  and arrived at a thin ramshackled house of bamboo and rice paper inkdecorated panels

                                                                                       and with the children they fell asleep

he talked with ghosts as he slept

they stood in profile

thin as flamesquivering like flames

                                      and nothing they said made any sense to him

they said it would

                           later

I bit my tongue for that?

Not really Biting it now or later wouldnt have made the dream more tangible

Dreams are at the fringe of reality and not unreal

1343,  Sunday,  13  1. 20

1925,  Sunday,  21  6. 20

Phoebe Bridgers  Funeral  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teLyoKBxbCU 

Emiliana Torrini  Gun  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0u8uTRdirE

it woke him twice during the nighta black mans voice he didnt think he owned onewasnt in his repertoire

the first time is was yet dark so he took a piss and as he did he mumbled it to himself over and over and over no wonder he didnt forget crawling back into bed it fixed itself like a mantra or a leech or tick

                                                                                      it was gonna take something more than trying to ignore it to remove it

the black mans voice was melodic it ran over like honey imageries his dreaming mind tried to unleash 

aural  exceeding  visual 

not an easy trick

he was visual to a fault

he was a voyeur

his images were perfectly formed sugar cubes 

he was the hot tea they melted in

not an easy trick

he woke the second time

                           his queen october jumped up on the bed when she jumped up because she was hungry he had no choice but to jump as well

the voice was still in his head

                                Mister policeman gotta learn, dey fucked, if dey fuck with us.

Right on brother

they have to be treated by the law equally fuck that theyre supposed to uphold the law

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

                                 Yaint lived until yave heard a black man intone Who watches the watchmen? in Latin

sooner policeman learns hes fucked sooner well get around to healing

0756,  Sunday,  21  6. 20 

1447,  Sunday,  21  6. 20 

The Smiths  How Soon is Now  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OztC_7nkAd8

its Fathers Day

body cravesbodys fulfilled shes pregnant and he celebrates it with a crown and a belt  His Worlds Championship (as long as he can hold onto herthat she doesnt breed with another man and dilute his children half brothers and sisters seemed no one got it   half aint whole)

Fathers Day

he didnt suffer that ignominy

he suffered slights
                     and suffering he wondered if his father had his grandfathers had games played for keeps between husbands and wives played on different fields dependent upon the contendents or rivals who just couldnt see eye-to-eye

he didnt ask his old manhe didnt think his old man asked his old man

kinda like a running joke laughed off shrugged at  it was easier to hold at arms lengthkeep at bay

fatherhoods

motherhoods

cobbled with caulk fibrous with lies halftruths clotted with meaty chunks of truths
                                   Whawas he talking about

Fathers Day

his Fathers Day experiences had nothing to do with him

it was about his daughters
                              being so-very-fucking-grateful to have his daughters

Fathers Day is about being a father
                                       sometimes a prick but holding the line
maybe someday theyd thank him

that wasnt importanthe wasnt looking for absolution

he had been a ferocious father

even if he had known how to be otherwise he wouldnt have been

cat doesnt change it spots

2352,  Saturday,  20  6. 20

what is it about sleep that offended his body
                                                when he woke in the morningevery morning was a surprise to discover what maladies hed suffer

wrists that felt like their insides were filled with broken glass

fists he cant bunch
                     reminding him of when he sparred  fast money  taped poorly   ice

he went away from sparring to hustle pool
                                             there was the occasional poor sportguys who wanted their money back  tried to lean on who was holding  guys  who didnt know him   who didnt know he boxed

his shoulders didnt want him to bring his arms over his head
                                                                 however seven surgeries between them that might been provocation to their discomfort

his hipsknees

he was grateful his body didnt fuck with his ankles and feet

his neck was stiff
                    be coudnt say how many birds passed that he wasnt able to nonchalantly appreciate

by dinner his body seemed to enter a loose alignment  allied with him

the discomfort  dull

not what he experienced in the morning
                                           after sleeping

his body might be taking issue  that   he    dreamed

mundane or outrageous
                         his body was lying-in-wait for him in the morningbushwhacked him

if he slept like the dead

dead people dont dream 

none ever said otherwise

he won out

1 out of 10
             didnt rate 3.0

if he dreamed his body nixedditched the scale and spun up Dick Clarks American Bandstand ratings applied from 35 to 89  except the two scores werent averaged  top score held sway

his body dialed up his discomfort

those morning were the hard mornings   

they had an exuberant debate over who was running the show

he and his body played this game four years ago

his Will won out
                  their first match

it occurred to him this Whatever  was two teams different conferences matching up again   

call it Super Bowl

he wanted to roll to Vegas (he couldnt – physically) and bet heavily on their rematch big money on Will

he wouldnt hedge his bet

All or Nothing

he never did understand people who bet against themselves
                                                                 it seemed that was asking to get fucked

  

set-up by a yet unwritten piece scribbled 1343, Sunday, 13  1. 20

2253,  Saturday – Summer Solstice,  20  6. 20

Charles Albertine  Bandstand Boogie   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHiFsRQEHQw

Phoebe Bridgers  Punisher  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncSf8Nk3aq4   

he didnt like to relate with things he read

though how couldnt he he chose to read them

this afternoon he was reading Descartes Bones it was recommended to him

on page 33 he read It was as though staring into what is surely the blackest of holes –the grave of one’s child

he dropped the book 

                    rather it fell from his handshis hands suddenly inept elastic   without strength

his daughters death sapped him

it is the blackest of holes

it is as if he fell in it

inside it

nothing

black sponge

antiseptic

she was cremated

there isnt a grave

the hole was deeper than any grave could be dug

desperately deaf  

there was nothing he experienced in life when he met death that equaled hers

her death was utterly different

he was utterly demoralised

                             his sensitivity was honed to a keen razors edge that cut his eyeball if he looked at it
  

     

1339ishafternoonish,  Twosday,  16  6. 20

1314,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  17  6. 20

Drumpf the Chosen clown of his Messes

                                            apparently from what he read and heard today Drumpfs circus tent his followers are magically-protected from novel coronavirus – hmm six staffers tested positive earlier

he looked at faces of the people in the pictures from Vanity Fairs article Inside the Cult of Trump  and it occurred to him as he looked at them that they probably look like those people who brought their children to watch a nigger lynched gathered in the night under torch flames

he didnt feel good about thinking that

but he couldnt shake it

he didnt wish them ill will

                             although he wouldnt have any pity for them if they contracted and suffered coronavirus

1302,  Saturday,  20  6. 20

https://www.msnbc.com/all-in/watch/-magically-protected-why-hardcore-trump-supporters-won-t-wear-masks-at-rally-85485125654

https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2020/06/inside-the-cult-of-trump-his-rallies-are-church-and-he-is-the-gospel

9:54 

that is a real nice time of the night

he usually didnt write it suchusually in military time 24-hour clock  the military does that to simplify time for simple soldiers theyre okay as long as they can count 0 to 23 and to 59

he dug the time this evening because if he twisted it numerologically  added 9 plus 5 plus 4 equals 18  and 1 plus 8 equals 9   9  his end numberhis lucky number  9 means humane and altruistic 

which was very much who he was

military time itd be 2154 hed end up with 3  Hmm 3-squared  9  thats something  still  what did 3 mean Ah creative self-expression encouraging others to be creative  optimist  socialNAH

                                                                             hed stick with 9

at 9:54 in his prior lifebefore things went off the rails it was bedding time  NOT bedtime

his girlfriend was a profound bonbon meaning everything inside her head was equal to her superlative body and face

people fixated on her beauty and said thats why he was seeing her they were perplexed angry when he put them in their placewhen he told them they were superficial Sigh beauty is only skin deep  if she didnt have going on inside her head what she did likely he wouldnt have seen her a third time

he met wholly attractive women who were dumb as sticks

                                                                he didnt fetch

his girlfriend was extraordinary

she was considerably younger than he

he would have been happy just being her friend 

she asked him out  

he said yes but not too fast

9:54

bedding time a staple of their healthy relationship

he liked lying beside her in bed as she talked with her mom as she said goodnight

he loved her caring  her astute thoughtfulness

hed nuzzled her while she spoke  a little game they played  shed give him the eyesthe unsaid STOP IT but her grinning belied it

          she was so beautiful he tried to imagine her as a young girl then he didnt he didnt think there were laws for thought pedophilia but he wasnt sure

                                       she hit stride when she was very young as he did his mother said he was

though likely he was compelled by his younger siblings who always seemed to need one thing or another  or maybe they played the game deeper than he had patience to

Good night, Mom. I love you. We’ll talk tomorrow night. I love you very much. she hung up the telephone and set it on the stool above her head they slept on blankets on the floor he had back problems and hadnt met an extra firm mattress that didnt fuck with him

                           Besides he said explaining it to her yadont have to wrong about gettin bucked off the bed

he was such a sweet talker

however  in the gathered darkness  missing her  nothing compared to her smilesthe lilt and assurance in her voice as she talked with her mother

it was as warm and coloured and beautifulsensual as an applewood fire in a rustic fireplace

2154,  Juneteenth – Friday,  19  6. 20

1159,  Saturday,  20  6. 20

when you dream a memory

                              is it remembering  or dreaming

when it is every bit as real  or reel   and your heart leapsyour tears wellyou embraceyou loveyou hold swearing youll never let go

                then death defies you

did you remember

did you dream

life is unforgotten

                    until were unremembered  unsaid

1610,  Juneteenth – Friday,  19  6. 20

there comes a time when I dont care equates to fearlessness

a kind of fearlessness hed seen in fightsin their eyes and for it he didnt stop beating them until he was pulled off

the simple fact of the matter he didnt know where their I dont care might take them and he was damn sure their uncaring wasnt going to interrupt what he cared about

might be a cold way to relate

                               unless youve seen it

he hadnt seen it in awhile

then he saw it again

it was as grotesque as he remembered

he saw it looking back at him in the mirror as he shavedthe grimace the cruelty  an exquisite efficient cruelty  if it wasnt beat down
                   Whawas he thinkin

If it wasnt beat to death

there was nothing he had to lose

when you have nothing to lose youre formidable

                                                  youre a freak

he remembered his fatherinlaw the only time he askedhe said he wouldnt ask but this once When were you most afraid during the war

When I saw a kamikaze smash into one of our destroyer at Iwo Jima. Then I knew we were fighting an enemy who wasn't afraid to die.

Liberatinghuh? he musedhis fatherinlaw looked through him The Japs werent afraid to die.

That was horrifying.

Horrifying

Yah

more horrifying to see it in his own reflection

but then maybe it manifested itself at exactly the right time

times were ugly

                  it was a good time to be fearlessnessto have nothing to lose

he was happy those he loved were deadhappy they wouldnt have to see it in his eyes

ice  cold  comfort

2244, Thursday, 18  6. 20

$121K -- killed

the presidents investments in the health and wellbeing of the country

we have his noxious campaign rally in Tulsa

                                                and we know from Dr Fauci the president hasnt spoken with him in two weeks

the president is the boyfriend who swears he loves you

                                                           then when you tell him youre pregnant with his baby he aint nowhere to be found

buckle up America its only gonna get worse

1550,  Juneteenth – Friday,  19  6. 20

https://the1a.org/segments/dr-anthony-fauci-coronavirus-covid/  

https://www.msnbc.com/deadline-white-house/watch/-the-only-winner-here-is-the-virus-period-85468229650

there is no HIV/AIDS vaccine

Dr Richard Besser warns

                            there might not be a vaccine for novel coronavirus either

Wakeup sunshine  ya might be dreamin

1739,  Juneteenth – Friday,  19  6. 20

https://www.msnbc.com/morning-joe/watch/how-to-stay-safe-as-virus-infections-rates-rise-in-some-states-85438533608

https://www.webmd.com/coronavirus-in-context/video/richard-besser

DOJ  Department of Justice  has a marvelous idea

                                                       theyre proposing legislation to punish Google Facebook Twitter for harmful on-line content – because the clown-in-chief got his panties in a bunchhis feelings hurt when he posted what he shouldnt have 

their marvelous idea is to erode a long-standing shield for tech companies from liability for content on their sites

in the interest of eroding long-standing shields howbout DOJ also foregoes qualified immunity that protects law enforcement officers from monetary liability

                                              he loved this bit “monetary liability for their unconstitutional actions if the officer acted in an objectively reasonable manner”

                                                     have a cop explain their objectively reasonable manner they struggle to understand  I can’t breathe

                                 and maybe while DOJs at itmaybe  on Juneteenth  it might consider that the nations fraught with systematic racism and encourage all the well-heeled untaxed corporations to hire non-white board members . . . . yaknow . a token coloured person 

                                          even the Senate has three token blacks Misters Scott and Booker and Ms Harris out of 100

1019,  Friday,  19  6. 20

https://www.vox.com/recode/2020/6/18/21294331/section-230-bill-barr-josh-hawley-trump-internet-free-speech

every circus -- hes continually reminded of Romes Bread & Circuses when he thinks of Americas Republican farce – every circus has its bumbling clown in the center ring who squeezed out of a ridiculous small clown car

                                                                                                             well its doors are opening again and stumbling out are senators Josh Hawley Missouri Marco Rubio Florida Mike Braun Indiana Tom Cot Ton Arkansas  Kelly Loeffler Georgia braying like assesbelieving their party is being mistreated for their concerted belief that white conservative on-line sites are being singled out mitigated  and muzzled

                                                                                              ignoring that hate speech and fascists shouldnt be heard or tolerated

Americas gone-wrong Republican Party blatantly supports systematic racism and the white power fueling it

they make him ashamed of the colour of his skin

1118,  Friday -- Juneteenth,  19  6. 20

https://www.vox.com/recode/2020/6/18/21294331/section-230-bill-barr-josh-hawley-trump-internet-free-speech

https://www.vox.com/recode/2020/6/18/21295226/facebook-trump-campaign-nazi-symbol-antifa

good to know Mr. Hawley  https://www.politico.com/news/2020/06/16/josh-hawley-lgbt-supreme-court-conservatives-323254