she sighedrolled dipped swished her hips 

it felt good if he was lyin hed be dyin

All you need handsome . . is a little motivation.

Only a little

Umm . . maybe just a little more.  a deeper swishgrind

Weve only just met

she smiled over her shoulder into his face Yes doll.

   Awbaby you havent any idea what yare talkinbout

that really rocked herpissed her off gyrations halted 

                                                        she was a life coach  she had told him

I think I know somethingfrankly . . I know a lot about motivation.

If you do woudntya say I believe I know  Not think you know

                                                                    Ya don know me

I’ve assessed you.

Asized  Youve asized me up I can believe it

                                                If you thought thars gold in dese hills youd be wrong

starting to get up off his lap You need help.

hooking her hips with his fingers he pulled her back downwhispered harshly Seems we all can use a little help

You included   cleared his throat  But there are those who are genuinely more needy  Theyre willing to pay for a friend

How dare you.

harsh How dare you  

                      You came onto me sat on my lap 

her face went hardshe glared

   I believe the motivation you think I lack or need is something I refer to as emotion  I emotivate if you rather  Emotivation  If you think itll serve your purpose yare welcome to it

                                                                      No charge  On the house   Off my lap

she stood

she looked likeNO

                    she slapped his face

How dare you.

he didnt rub his cheek

                         If you knew me youd have known Im daring

1950,  day-between-2-Ts,  8  11. 23

432preferred,  Saturday,  11  11. 23

Talking Heads  Psycho Killer  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eauZzwt8Ci8 

“. . . an alchemical mix of wonder and fear.

                                              It may seem as if those emotions would cancel each other out, but the opposite is true. When you add them together you get the sublime, which transcend them both. ‘The passion caused by the great and sublime in nature . . . is Astonishment,’ wrote the eighteenth-century philosopher Edmund Burke, ‘and astonishment is the state of the soul in which all its motion are suspended, with some degree of horror.’  But, he added, it was ‘a sort of delightful horror.’”

                                       Prologue pg2  Susan Casey  The Underworld

wonder and fear

alchemy

           he had to wonder when he fearedwhat he feared

seemed since he conquered the pitchblack terror of his bricked basement as a boylucky he didnt break his neck rushing blind headlong through itslamming into things tripping hitting the concrete floorUP hitting the pinepaneled wallGO RIGHT scrambleup the uncoded staircase to the short doorway swinging it open out into the hallGO RIGHT through the entry onto the front porchfour stairs down which he usually leaped land on the front walk roll onto the lawn

                                                                                                                  its leaves like tendrils embracing himsaving him from whatever it was he fled

since then

             he wondered  what

   which at times makes him think that he died and this life he was leading was an imagination his ghost madeup and would continue makingup until it or he got tired of living

                                                                   at  times

afternoon,  day-between-2-Ts,  8  11. 23

1531,  Saturday – Veterans Day,  11  11. 23

he wokeup this morning remembering

not remembering a littlenot scraps bits pieces remembering everything  anything

remember vividly  

remember the smallest things

he remembered what he forgot

                                     the remembering painted his eyes with tears that wetted reconstituted magnified his memories anhe thought  this is how things came apart  he got caughtupsweptaway in vile moments terrible agitations dust an pollen shakenfree peppering salting copiously dusting over layering over concealing hiding   what  if he had pausedtook a moment  the things he could have recalled shared  could have broken the arms legs and necks of those harsh agitations                                                                         

Do you remember . . .

Remember when . . .

                           if only he paused  been able to be at one remove

this morning was not regret

                              there was so muchtoo much beauty

he was fortunate

this morning gently taught him that when things veer go askew he looked askance  to vividly bring a memory forward an share it

             as they can easily  subtly    be submerged       

0855,  Saturday – Veterans Day,  11  11. 23

reminiscent of Neil Young  Love in Mind  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mp0URt_o0YU

What is it I’m supposed to remind you about? 

Thaya never do

   I never do?

Nope  Notever

Well . . . I’m thinking of it now.

Excellent

What is it?

Youre supposed to remind me about   Yes

                                                 Whaisit

   Something.

Thas a lot of things

Are you gonnasay?

Aryagonnabe testy

                       Ya sound testy 

whined I remembered.

   But not wha

No.

    There is that.

You were to remind me when my beard was too longremind me to shave trim it

THAT’S IT.

It is

   You realise how stupid that is, which is probably why I don’t remember?

You don remember because you don remember

I remembered.

I did.

       It’s so stupid.

Look in the mirror, you’ll see.

See I need to shave

I wouldn’t say just yet, I saw you shaved after Halloween. You like to go a couplethree weeks.

Wasnt hard to miss I told you I was growing out my moustache an goateeMethod actor style to be the Dude Big Lebowski for Halloween

                           Grew it three months

Really stupid.

Its not

You have a bathroom mirror.

I do

Look in it.

You must forget  Theres something else Ive also told you

he cringed Something else I’m supposed to remind you to do?

No

     I think you failing at one thing is plenty

Ive also told you tha whenever I walk into a room I only see fiftytwo percent of the occupants

I remember thatI remember that. You only see women.

Thas right

And I remember then that you pare the women down and only see, perhaps, twenty percent.

Right again

             So why do I ask you to tell me when I ought to shave

I DON’T KNOW.

Hear me Im respecting those men I do not see in that room when I enter Men do not interest me

I rememberyou’ve said.

   If Im not gonna see them

                                 Why woud I see him in the mirror

3PM,  Thursday,  9  11. 23

1219,  Reggaefriday,  10  11. 23

Michael Jackson  Man in the Mirror  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gqMRlN6mAA

it was an interesting backanforth

                                    he pressed cashiers into conversation when it was terribly apparent they were content to scan products their only unfortunate interaction to have to speak was to tell someone what they owed

thats transaction with extreme prejudice

he was an older gentlemanolder than one might imagine to first become a cashier

a natty dresser

bowtie

jacket

under his apron

   affixed nametag Claude

he didnt say was thinking clawed balls

                                          Claude  How are youhavin a good day

Claude looked startledlooked at him through hornrimmed glasses

                                                                      Hello.

How are ya

             he coudbe chatty hed be brief had only four items woudnt wear Claude down

I am well sir.

Sir looked left down the line behind him

                                            My fathers not here Now hes a sir 

Yes sir Claude said as he took the grocerycard scanned it placed it on a small shelf between them where people wrote checks picked up a clearplastic bag of four garlic heads fiftycents a piece and muttered White mushrooms.

   Garlic

white mushrooms  $2.15 appeared on the register screen

Claude balls he didnt say Theyre garlic

Yes. I heard you.

                   Claude reached for the celery in another bag

Claude Im not buying mushrooms

holding the celerystalk in both hands he looked at the screen  I heard you. I don’t know why I didn’t listen to you.  he began punching buttons disallowing the mushrooms entered 4@ GARLIC BULK  I am sorry, sir.

No sweat lotsa people don hear me when I speak

                                                     You arent the first wont be the last

I don’t know why I didn’t listen to you . . I heard you.

Got me

         Your mind may have been on the shoulder of a remote highway thumbing for a ride Hitchhiking always a kick

I’ve never hitchhiked.

My condolences

it seemed his eyes crossedbriefly behind the glass lens but recovered as fast

                                                                                  Condolences? like the word was never in his mouth before

Unless youve hitched I cant say youd understand

Condolences I’m not sure I like that.

Well yaint dead Ya got time

he cleared his throat Do you need a bag?  he was done entering his items

he tugged the strap of the canvasbag over his shoulder

                                                          Have one no thanks

The mushrooms were two dollars fifteen cents. You saved fifteen cents.

But not if they were mushrooms

They weren’t.

bagging his items No they werent

                                      he touched his debtcard to the payment screen

the receipt disgorged from the register

                                        Would you like your receipt?

Please Claude taking his receipt You have a fine day Get out on the highway catch a ride with your mind

3PM,  Thursday,  9  11. 23

1114,  Reggaefriday,  10  11. 23

Ides of March  Vehicle  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bq95nZBbNHI

she asked Was that necessary?  

he saw she was slightly ruffled

Necessary he said is subjective

                                  No   It wasnt necessary but it needed to be said

Why did you have to say it?

   Were you going to

No. No I wasn’t going to say.

There you have it

                   You are the only other person in the room I woud have trusted to say an franklyas you know  you woudve said it better than me  More artful   More  compassionate

Less direct. she gave him a hard eye

he smiled she constantly amusedpleased him  Direct 

                                                         Yes 

a smallsmile crept onto her face So direct for as long as I’ve known you so offputting, even when you know betterknow when to take the foot off the pedal or handle someone with kid gloves.

Ah  Kid gloves Tossed those away long ago

                                                Saves time when saying wha needs to be said

Tear off the band-aid my mother would say. Still. She was unlike you.

Yes

     How you can gently peel it away behooves me

There are benefits.

I understand Though none Id prefer which is why Im abrupt

                                                                  Accurate 

I really wasnt tha offensive

   Not really no. Your timing . . . it was probably too soon.

Too soon he nodded his headhe agreed

                                           Though a good chance well not see each other again

she nodded her headshe agreed No. Those are very slim to none.

Which is why I said

                         wistfully There is never a good time

No. Unfortunately not.

he said  We don remember our birth an we wont remember our death

2329,  day-between-2-Ts,  8  11. 23

0939,  Reggaefriday,  10  11. 23

So what did you write about absolute zero?*

I donae remember

Donae?

Kind of fun using it on occasion rather than don give it a Scottish flavour

Scotch flavor.

Scotch

Alcohol.

No  Rarely drink Scotch Prefer RedBreast an Irish whiskey

                                                                An I really fond of tha which one might associate it with have raised a more than a couple of blushes on lessexperienced barmaids particularly  need I say paralepsis  redheads

Yeahyeah. Can’t stay on track.

Im on track Absolute zero

But you don’t remember what you wrote?

Absolutely not  he laughed wickedly

                                       his interrogator didnt believe in absolute thoughhe curious  did believed in coincidences

which he did not

                   at best Jungs synchronicity

he remembered telling cat of ninetails

                                         What the hell’s that?

Remember a cat called Jungcontemporary of Freud  I couldnt tolerate him  Jung was a deep breath of fresh air

I think I’ve heard of him I wasn’t into psychology.

Synchronicity Also synchrony

                                 Simultaneous occurrence of events which appear related  some people give them significance I don they have no discernable causal connexion relating to or acting as a cause Cause and effect  Understand 

Yes. Cause and effect.

                        Synchro crow . whatever . . not so much.

Jung was versed in coincidence but Pauli Wolfgang Pauli . .

. . Him I know.

Yes theoretical physicist quantumphysicist Pauli was a patient of Jungs an preferred dropping coincidence in favour of correspondence connexion constellation of discrete factors

                                                             Sounds like a quantumphysicist huh

Yeahyeah. But you don’t remember what you wrote about absolute zero?

I do not.

How is it you remember reading all these books you say you’ve read but you can’t remember what you wrote?

Once written Ive disgorged them excreted them I needed them out committed to a page an out fullfilled I remember if I begin reading one but to recall nillywilly cold turkey  No

How is that?

Youre not a writer Youre a reader Im a writer an a reader  As a reader Im reading someone elses observationsperceptions As I writer Im committing my sins

                                                               Confessional Three Hail Marys three My Father Who Art in Heaven Im absolved Free of blame guilt responsibility  Ive told you many times it feels like taking dictation

I donae remember wha I wrote

A month ago

              Since Ive written at least sixty other disgorgements

I don’t believe you can’t remember.

Thas on you

1500ish,  day-between-2-Ts,  8  11. 23

1701, Thursday,  9  11. 23

* Zero degrees Kelvin minus twohunredseventythree degrees Celsius minus fourhunredfiftyninepointsixtyseven degrees Fahrenheit Absolute zero lowest limit of the thermodynamic temperature scale Ive been boning up state at which enthalpy an entropy of a cooled ideal gas reach their minimum value  Molecules atoms do not move

That’s theoretically absolute. Thermodynamics, if I’m not mistaken, has proven it is impossibl . .

. . Not necessarily  Possibly improbable but not impossible

                                                              Because understanding impossible correctly woud suggest it is an absolute  Physicists  Quantumphysicists may not be there just yet  but theyre mighty close  

Then it is not an absolute, is it?  

And  impossible

                  If impossible its already  absolutely not possible    Or am I incorrect

the halfanhalf had coagulated curdled a bit

he said so

looking into the fresh cup of coffee he poured him

                                                      Why doncha think cottage cheese?

You regularly put cottage cheese in your coffee

I’ve eaten cottage cheese and drank coffee.

Nevermind nevermind

                        Im not dumpin ninetyseven percent coffee for three percent curdled cream  Thas fine Ill drink it

You’re sure.

Aint gonna kill me  But dump it

his expression related  Its not curdled that much

                                                    No  I meant dump it in compostnot down the drain

I get waste not want not

Oh. Okay.

they went out to sit in the sun at the picnic table and bullshit

the cool air chilled the coffee quickly

taking swallows he could feel small random clots play in his mouth   humoured he disregarded them

they got into an amusing conversation of gas station fried chicken just inside the confines of Maricopa

                                                                                                           You been there?

I have The Onesixtysix New Cuyana Brings you into the Oneohone north of Santa Maria

You have.

I have

        How many stars ya give the fried chicken

Fried chicken’s fried chicken . .

. . Is fried chicken a rose by any other name Chicken freshfried or out under heat lamps

Heat lamps.

You ask how long itd been out they do a brisk chicken business

Why would I do that?

Oh I don know  Ever thought to ask a new considered sex partner if theyve recently been checked for sexually communicable diseases  A slew these days

                                                Yaknow festeringfestooning in the moist an heat

Like they’d serve bad chicken?

Id say not knowingly  possibly different shifts 

                                                  See any regularslocals beating down their door for chicken

It was a gas station.

My point

It was fine.

How many stars

Fuck you.

he took a swig of his coffee a huge clot spat it onto the pavers 

                                                                   Excuse me

What was that about?

he looked

            Wasnt a clot

Clot?

A bee

Honeybee, meatbee yellowjacket?

Beats me

          he chuckled A bees a bee is a bee

Did it sting you?

No

Man, you’re lucky.

I live right

           However  You  Given your allergic reactions histamines  had it been . .

. . I’d’ve had to gone to the hospital.

he chuckled

What? Me going to the hospital would be funny?

No no

          Youah happen to see it landcrawl into my cup

I didn’t.

Had you he laughed   Had you woudya have said

Really? Yes.  Of course I would have said.

Awright awright meant nothing by it  I was only asking 

                                                             he laughed fulsomely

Why you laughing?

Im laughinlaughin cuz I gotta say

                                         Had I seen it crawl into your coffee I wouldnt have

2PM,  day-between-2-Ts,  8  11. 23

1255,  Thursday,  9  11. 23

Power Station  Some Like It Hot  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hw1t7OCESUw

the conversation rattled forth

                               he couldnt wait for the oil of the edible they ate to kick in

The oil of the edible we ate

How’s that?

No Im not repeating myself

You come out of the blue on me and I’m supposed to know what you’re talking about?

I can fill you in on the blue You heard what I saiddon feign you didnt I neednt repeat it

Nah, I heard you.

So I neednt repeat to soothe your hows tha

                                                Because you heard

I heard.

Then lets go forward into the blue

Yes. Let’s.

I appreciate your permission.

You’re welcome.

I didnt thank you

Kinda . . ya did.

they were talking about or he was when people speak they tend to present a particular point

                                                                                                    theyre selling

How do you mean . selling?

Pitchinya a line

That’s not helpful.

he felt his jaw loosen the effect of which his mouth would dropopen he caught himselfthought Bite the bullet biting he didnt betray his surprisedismay

                   Not helpful  Their point their line theyre selling their bit 

How do you mean?

Mean  Wha do I mean

                          Woudnt you agree  During a conversation or during an argument people with who they are engaged with try to convince them of their point of viewmy old standby  You cant convince someone who does not want to be convinced  

Means they’re closedminded.

   Not necessarily

How not necessarily?

Speaking for myself I usually give things a good hard thought provide it due diligence makeup my mind

                                                                                                              Madeup I cant be convinced otherwise

You’re closedminded.

his jaw again

               So tell me When youve reached a decisiona thoughtful decision how frequently do you second guess yourselfchange your mind  worry tha your decision was wrong

I don’t. I reached a decision.

Then by your reasoning  youre closedminded

I’m not. 

Pretty quick on the trigger buddy

                                       Anyway  rather than beat a dead horse lets return to selling Ya follow me

Dead horse. Selling.

Correct

        So the project Im involved in tha yare aware of can be quantified hard numbers

I’m listening. I took what you said as a statement . not a question.

Yes I didnt see any acknowledgment in your facekind of a bland expression  I wanted to be sure you were with me not drifting off on an oilslick of the edible we ate

I’m listening.

Okay

       The project is fiftyseven percent complete Were proud weve come this far an as quickly as we have

I’m listening.

Awright

          Blatantly Im selling you on the idea of fiftyseven percent

I hear ya.

So saying  Ive pitched my bit sold fiftyseven percent convinced you of it he nodded a visual physical affirmation selling

However how I think  immediately Im thinking fortythree percent remains incomplete With no guaranteefor probably many reasons unforeseenunexpected tha itll be completed Say shipping peaches to market cotterpin snaps load dumps on the highway a semitrailer abandoned in the desert with scores of illegal aliens locked inside it

What?

Yare looking like a corpse

                            I was making sure you heard me with an ugly example  Your expression is so unanimated deadpan got tha shit down

Yeah enough. What’s your point?

Selling of fiftyseven percent disregarding fortythree percent

                                                               A lot of people buy into the former without taking into account the latter

Yes.

Yes wha

I agree.

Agree either or or realise both

Yes.

Are you high

I’m getting there.

You understand your yesyour yes is like me flipping a cointellin ya Call it  Heads or tails  An yasay   YES

Yes.

   Whell  only way tha works is if either or is spelled either E I T H E R O R or O R E I T H E R

 

apparently corpses oilslick was spreading quicker than his

                                                                hed catchup  eventually

2PM,  day-between-2-Ts,  8  11. 23

1030,  Thursday,  9  11. 23

Elton John  Rotten Peaches  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlcREOS5p5c