he went to the cemetery

it was snowing

                   he thought hed remember where she was buried    three years ago

he was wrong

she was somewhere therehe asked in his head 

                                                    then he quitasked out loud 

then he hollered

the dead keep their secrets 

he thoughtwiping tears out of his eyes 

                                          When we plea with the dead we plea with our truest selves 

Theyre dead  they cant hear us 

They cant counsel us

 

Dead  theyre who we make them be

1922,  Twosday,  6  4. 21

1526 or 326,  Saturday,  10  4. 21

Erykah Badu  World Keeps Turnin’  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhlYzu0GBTQ 

 

her birth day  Friday 

How are you going to celebrate?

Hmm  celebrate 

                    Curiously  my mind flipped your question  celibate Are you asking if Im celebrating my celibacy on my  birth   day

Ohno, not, no . . No, that wasn’t what I was asking, not my intent. 

                                                                        Although if I may, there’s a quiet angst to your voice . . a palpable derision, or anger . in your words.

Look how perceptive you are 

                               I wonder however if you hadnt seen memy faceexpressions  my posture  if you were blind to those aspects  if you would be as perceptive

I can’t say, that wasn't our circumstance; we only know what we know, we can’t effectively or accurately surmise what we don’t know, can we?

Can we 

         Can we   I hate questions like that  Rhetorical  Questions that flatly dismiss the possibility that we might know without an actual event unfolding or as evidence  It prefigures a shortcoming short circuits our innate abilities and demandsinculcates that we cannot know  we cannot Know without an event having precipitated 

                                                                                                      I believe with high accuracy  that even denied an event we can know  Perhaps not indubitably  but we can knowwe can disregard febrile authentic knowing  which we kneel beforedenigrate ourselves 

                                                                  We do not actually need them to know to know ourselves or our realities if you would

 

That’s a huge order, an enormous leap of faith.

No  No I have to disagree  It is solely our assessment an intimacy that we cannot possibly share with anyone else no matter how intimate our connection with them

Hypotheticals  thought experiments  we ask ourselves or should ask of ourselves she laughed brusquely We can ask ourselves because we are where the rubber meets the road the intersect  youll please excuse the word vector  we are vectors

If we are harsh with ourselves I am I donknow if you are or can be harsh with yourself  We can be telling 

                                                                                                                 Or we can ultimately be dismissive 

I choose not to be 

That’s one helluva thought experiment. I wouldn’t have conceived of or considered it if you hadn’t said.

Really

I ain’t blowing smoke up your ass. No. I wouldn’t have.

You have a way of thinking of things very differently.

Thank you

Thank you.  Thank you. 

                           Happy Birthday. 

2344,  Thursday,  8  4. 21

241 or 1441, Saturday,  10  4. 21   

Erykah Badu  Certainly  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWf6M467OsQ 

 

he wondered if women had these kinds of friendship

because theyre women he supposed it was a stupid wonder  possibly a stupider or stupidest wonder 

         yet 

anyet 

                 women arent prone donusually fold into their relationships the ingredientthe wont of violence  base mad violence 

                                  Cats gotta have yer back 

Cant have yer back

Whagood is he

   

Hes my brother not by something as accidental as blood   Something much stronger

she asked innocently  innocently how could she ask by anything more  By what? 

By choice

1752,  Twosday,  6  4. 21

Elton John  Indian Sunset  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmTx_K_m4fU

he and his buddy argued free will more often than he liked 

                                                            however his buddy was an acolyte obsessed with Sam free will does not exist Harris  He’s a neuroscientist.  Yahso when did he last practise  I don’t think that matters, he’s a doctor.  So out of hand Im to submit to his title  All I’m saying is that he’s smart.  Is he making his living as a neuroscientist  Im sick an tired of flashed credentialsflaunting Once-upon-a-time achievements tired of physicians  politicians now  who havent practised in better than ten years and then tout that theyre physicians regarding subjects entirely outside their realmtheir particular an narrow training  Tired of them flaunting themselves inferring we ought kowtow to their particular opinion or argument while they disregard how fortunate they aredisregard their entitlement to have been afforded the pursuit of their doctorate

However, achieving it, all I’m saying is he was smart enough to earn it.

Who was his adviser More than likely if his advisor had something to saybeing that they were likely a practising physicianpractising for a considerable length of time Id consider their remarks Which isnt to say Id particularly value what they imparted I believe putting on their pants they put them on one leg at a time as myself But if the muthafucker can levitate in midair put on their pants  I may value their input

preaching the Gospel of No Such Thing As Free Will Harriss 2009 doctoral thesis was The Moral Landscape: How Science Could Determine Human Values

it was shepherded by Dr. Mark S. Cohen who has been a practising neuroscientist since 1985

Mr Harris originally an English major at Stanford 1986 was induced by an experience with empathogen-entactogen MDMA colloquially known as Ecstasy which led him to believe that he might be able to achieve spiritual insights without the use of drugs 

hmm not a lot of people taking drugs looking for spiritual insights

Mr Harris then left Stanford and for eleven years studied meditation with Hindu and Buddhist teachers in Nepal and India nice gig if you can get it before returning to Stanford for a philosophy degree he began his first book ENGLISH The End of Faith after September 11

his buddy because Sammy touts nada free will and because Sammy is one of the Four Horsemen of the Non-Apocalypse Richard Dawkins Christopher Hawkins (deceased) Daniel Dennett Hawkins and Dennett were compatibilists regarding free will Hawkins the humourous piqued . . we must believe in free will we have no choice 

therein lies a coin toss between smart men

his buddy couldnt cite any smart women who touted nada free will

why should he take the word of four whitetwo particularly geriatric white men

                                                                                   Kinda misogynistic dude

Free will is an illusion.

It is not I have free will As a matter of fact denying your free will is an illusion is a matter of free will a matter of choice

It is not, our wills are not of our making. Our thoughts and intentions . . 

. . Here we go our DNA decides

Let me finish.

            Our thought and intentions emerge from background causes, DNA, or otherwise, which we are unaware of . .

. . Unwoke

Would you please let me finish, you’re always interrup . . 

. . So when you put a gun in your mouth to blow out yer brains I shouldnt interrupt

exasperated  I’m not going to do tha . . 

. . Yadon know that ya havent free will  Excuse me as yawere sayin 

I was saying there are background causes which we are unaware of, and over which we exert no conscious control.

No conscious control

No conscious control. We do not have the freedom we think we have. 

If I may  a brief experiment  Im going to take a sip of beer that I poured for mefor you  he took a sip of his beer  Ive exercised free will deciding whether or not to sip my beer

Yare telling me Im wrong

You haven’t free will.

Spoken like a true acolyte a true believer 

What initiatedanimated their headknocking hornlocking free will conversation was a tit or tat regarding coercion versus persuasion

his buddy thought persuasion sounded nicer

Yare being euphemistic softpedaling it Say what it is Say it tersely  It is coercion

I disagree.

Exhibiting free will

No. Semantics.

OhShit

earlier they vied back and forth sphincter his buddys word   anus his

Sphincter maybe slightly more nuanced then anus or ass when relating to someone . . . words matter!

Jesus  Nuanced  The word is anus

Words are like tools, you choose the appropriate one best suited to a job at hand.

Anhow pray tell is sphincter more appropriate a more appropriate tool than anus  There is but one anus the body has multiple sphincters There is only one Holy Anus

Ok, ok, you’re obviously taking a deeper dig into this subject, this disagreement. Let’s talk about something else.

Yare fuckin hilarious you ought to at least acknowledge the human body has multiple sphincters and one anus  particularly when anus was our point of contention It wasnt about semantics there was no need to extol euphemistically otherwise

Why areya so uncomfortable

DNA

 

after 1700,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  7  4. 21

1627,  Thursday,  8  4. 21

Ella Fitzgerald  Louie Armstrong  Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2oEmPP5dTM 

 

jiggery-pokery  deceitful or dishonest behavior

                                                  leave it to Anton Scalia to explain wha it is 

leave it to a Republicant to have colourful language

he got jigaboo from his father

he was in a Chicago city bus with his Mom

he was littlewas standing on the seat  he couldnt take his eyes off the man sitting behind them 

                                                                                                      Look Mamma its a jigaboo

       she slapped him in the back of the headsounded like a gunshot to him though she didnt slap him hard enough to make him cry or knock him down a tempered slap  who wants their kid balling on a pubic bus

How dare you, how DARE you; you apologize to the gentleman immediately, immediately.

I apologise mister 

                   apologise was a different animal than sorry his mother taught him that people who say they are sorry arent if they were truly sorry theyd say I apologise

Dat’s awright, boy.

his mother turned on her hip and looked the gentleman in the face 

                                                                      I apologize too. The boy is repeating his grandfather, his father, and when my husband gets home tonight he’s going to wish he hadn’t. I am terribly sorry, and I am ashamed of my son’s mouth. I hope you can forgive him, and forgive me.

Forgive nuthin', ma’am, I be called worse.

And that should not be. We’re people, all of us are people . . she poked him in the ribs . you listening, child, this gentleman is every bit a man your father is, your grandfather is.

Do you have children, sir?

I do. Two children. A girl and a boy, we done. Children is an expensive habit. he smiled quickly

she laughedshe didnt cover her mouth Don’t we know it, don’t we know it.

he laughed with her

his laugh was deep and melodious

he had big white teeth

they were very bright against his black skin

he immediately liked the man

Well, you two have to forgive me, my stop. You listen to your Mamma, boy, she got a good head on her shoulders. Too bad more people don’t think like she an me.

he nodded to his Mom Have a fine day, ma’am. 

                                                   were they on the street he would have tipped his hat but his hat sat on his lap his Momma told him that gentlemen dont wear their hats inside a bus inside a building church or someones home 

       It reveals a poor nature, possibly ill-mannered, impolite, it’s a hint to their upbringing,their personality. You give those people a wide berth, give them plenty of room; because if they’re going down they’re going to take someone with them or will try to finger someone else for being at fault.

Mind my words, boy.

he minded her words 

when his father got home that eveningnot but a second after he came in through the back door she lit in on him 

In the future you'll keep your filthy words to yourself. He’s a boy, and he’ll not grow up thinking people’s color make a difference in the person they are. You hear me?!

I hear you.

You gonna mind me?! ‘Cause I’ll make your life a living Hell; got me?

I hear you. 

            he was sheepish maybe theyd had this conversation before 

Yup he thought his Papa would mind her words too

 

1551, Twosday,  6  4. 21

1339,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  7  4. 21

 

he didnt like fences not gatesnot physical barriers walls built to keep others outhe loved that argument he turned it around Ever occur to you that it keeps you in 

he didnt like collars cuffs neckties belts he didnt like a damn thing that looked it might constraint   seatbelts

Hell he didnt like jewelry not necklaces or watches or rings 

                                                               but he knew that as a kid

people family thought hed outgrow it 

                                        neverdid

he only wore his wedding ring after he came home and showered after working construction and on weekends or on vacations 

           although he did wear it for many years every day after his wife died he wasnt working construction then a busted shoulder forced him out he became an indoor breathing filtered heatbreathing airconditioning pencilpusher who played like he played when he was a carpenter 

                                                  which meant he didnt play nice with others

Tellya wha this team player conceptattitude lets just say I agree with it but whaya do is create projects for me to do by myself yaknow  Ill be a cog or a gear in a series of cogs and gears that make the thing run Take credit I donwanit  Just give me work an leave me alone 

                                        Yaknow  Teamwork

he brought his projects in ahead of time they were more than they asked but he replied Not necessarily Theyre thorough not more

over the years manager after manager after manager left or were released

teams came and went

he didnt go anywhere

every manager who followed the last interviewed him Whadid they call it  Ah they debriefed him 

Why do you think you are still here?

Areya familiar with Shakespeare

Shakespeare? What’s Shakespeare have to do with my question; why are you still here, still employed?

Julius Caesar

Julius Caesar?

Ya just gonna repeat everything I say

his manager may have frowned 

                                 he didnt care he didnt know him from Adam if the company didnt hire him hed never have known him nobody was doing him any favours

Let’s not get off on the wrong foot.

I agree  People ought to watch where they step 

he stepped hard to avoid any furthur interruptions 

Shakespeare Caesar said 

                            I am constant as the northern star, / Of whose true-fixed and resting quality / There is no fellow in the firmament. / The skies are painted with unnumbered sparks. / They are all fire and every one doth shine, / But there’s but one in all doth hold his place.

Yer lookin at him 

                  he thought his manager frowned again 

                                                            I think you ought to read my jacket we work together for a bitbecause I got a lot of work An then if something occurs to you regarding me we can talk about it

Youll excuse me Im sure you have plenty on your plate then standing up Thank you I appreciate your valuable time

his manager definitely frowned 

                                  wasnt it his job to conclude the conversation

once upon a time  maybe 

those who think of themselves as bosses can also be barriers 

the ones who were tougher to contend with were those who believe they were

wrongheaded it was those he had to deprogram which wasnt as hard as it sounds they believed in conversion converting sexual identities 

                              because they believed in flipping someone they could be flipped  

 

life would be so much easier without barriers 

1710,  Twosday,  6  4. 21

1219,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  7  4. 21

John Lennon  (Just Like) Starting Over  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWG9KAgD6UA

 

the granular desolation he dreamed might have been accompanied by the first many stanzas of the Moody Blues Procession those early bars of falling rain would have offered him solace

 

the desolation was unremitting blowing dust shifting footing burnt-out standing hulksscorched tree trunks charred limbs scattered beneath them 

there were no plants

the only thing he heard above the stillness and the quiet was his footsteps on loose gravelpowdered clay

he quit talking to himself he only had so much water  speaking parched him

when rare brown winds spasmed he quickly covered his face with a scarfdropped to the ground with his back to it

sometimes he had to dig hollows with his hands hide his head in them constantly push the ravaging particles and clots downwind that tried to refill them so he could breathe

when the wind fled and the sky cleared it remained the colour of amber a marmalade then he didnt think marmalade because it made him hungry and his provisions were lean 

time had no meaning

he quit counting his footsteps because they were a measure of now unrecorded time

he wasnt interested  he walked until he was tired and laid down and slept  when he woke he began walking again 

that could have been a measurement of time had he chose to count how many times he fell asleep 

                                                                                                       he didnt

 

walking he suddenlystopped

                                 something broke the aridness he inhaled moisture closing his eyes he saw blue moisture

he turned slowly counterclockwise trying to identify where the moisture seemed most pronounced

then with his eyes still closed he committed he walked towards where he felt the blue moisture was

 

much later he thought he heard water it giggled as only water canno matter the circumstancesno matter the horror or sorrow or banality  

when he opened his eyes he had to wipe crust from them before he could see clearly

good thing he had

he was at elevation

the horizon sat heavily on its edge not a hundred metres off 

he stood at the edge of a steeplyslanted cliff at its foot was an irrigation canal narrow brown ponds were hyphenated by lengths of gelatinous mud veined by dribbling runlets

the cliff face appeared looseunsubstantial so he walked one way then the other before he found where the cliff veered sufficiently away from the canal so if he lost his footing and tumbled the violence wouldnt accelerate and the earth avalanche wouldnt sweep over and cover the canal

fortunately he made it down without incidentbut for a few slides 

he walked along the canals edge looking for the clearest pond or deepest runlet to refill his bladder  slake his thirst

then he sat and talk to himselflaughed out loud at his miraculous fortune 

                                                                             a miraculous fortune amid draconic unexplained misfortune

 

he knew the definition of the word desolation from out of a dictionary 

that was not really knowing it

1037,  Twosday,  6  4. 21

Moody Blues  Procession  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Drn5Q6drHuo

 

when he looked at hints he scribbled for himself meant to refresh his memory (to remind him of crippled trees that were baseball boundaries when he was a boy bulldozed by a huge blue dually tire work truck that was hidden in boughs of a vibrant healthy tree  it backed out and crept down to the ground) 

                                                                     he didnt remember  they were memories stored 0224 Reggae Friday  8 November 2019  rites of passage  what was he supposed to make of that a year and a half later or at 0239 the same morning  redheaded pharmacist  condoms  her daughter (actually there was a lot there – he could fabricate something with those bits of bread scattered to find his way back  either as Hansel or Gretel – playing that out would be fun) 

               then directly beneath the redhead was also the butchery of a Polish name for chow chow or kindalike the chow chow best known in the southern United States  he wrote kouru mooru fuck if he knew  his grandmother forbade any of her grandchildren to learn Polish  all her children spoke it  actually it was very effective  children have big ears  they love to listen in on adult conversation  yet all the adult conversation happening over his head as he grew up was in Polish  clever Babci  but one knew that if they spent any time with her 

                                                                              matriarch was written all over her

anif someone doubted that shed set them straight in a heartbeat she didnt mince her words  she was assertive

his mother was assertive

guess whaYUP  he was assertive 

AwBrother  whawas he supposed to do with this mishmash 

                                                                 scribbled  fortunately he could read his handwriting

he was going to have a drink and think on it

push comes to shove hed bastardise it 

something he was good at that

hed twice answered the door to young people who said  Hello. My momma told me you’re my father.

Thats a peach Yathink the least she wouldve done was told me   Huh

1238,  Monday,  5  4. 21

 

his parents slept together for sixtyseven years

he hadnt slept with himself near that yet

imagine

they made a vow

cinched it with the words I do

people can point all they want at their marriage licensethe legal contract

but their words mattered more 

words matter more than people think

it is a shame that when they speak they are not more careful using them

for once they are out of ones mouth 

                                    thats it 

there is no taking them back

no apology can erase words spoken

no I misspoke

or a craven attempt to gaslight 

                                No  You misunderstood what I meant 

Horton the Elephant

a favourite book written by Dr Seuss

I meant what I said, and said what I meant. An elephant’s faithful, one hundred percent!

maybe elephants are smarter than people

octopi are

imagine 

           imagine being beyond being fallacious lying does not occur to them  the truth is not inconvenient 

imagine 

1154,  Monday,  5  4. 21

John Lennon  Imagine  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAn-AWXtHv0

 

 

reptilian    reptile 

                       not the kind of thing yawan crawlin through yer brain    is it

he could thinkcould imagine things he preferred

things that might be more attentive to his walnut

not cravenly shredding it because it picked up an odd scent 

                                                              creatures respond to scent

theyre curious   titillated hungry 

                                   theyre provoked

    think

                when the last time was you were  provoked    by a scent 

                                                                                 the last time

reptiles are

mammals are

fuckin fish a shark can smell a drop of blood in the sea 

                                                           humans smell blood  theyre repulsed 

wellfuck maybe he wasnt human after all  he caught all sorts of whiffs

his nose never straightened out after a year at sea

a thousand miles out he and the crew smelled land

it hung in the salt air for nearly a half minute

then it was gone

gone as it came 

like it never was

but no one couldve convinced a muthafucker aboard they didnt smell wha they did

 

that was his pitch

Yawanna mongoose or a lizard crawlin through your shit 

                                                                           Or me

he carved himself out as an alternative 

                                          the way he said it   he was THE attractive alternative

he looked them in the eye

alternative confirmed 

                         couldnt help but giggle You da man You da man

 

their error was they let him set the comparison

Never nevernever   never let someone set your table Thats yer job  

Otherwise theyre tellin ya whas up down left right inside out outside in whas black whas white

Keep yer shit

Theres plenty of creeps happyecstatic willing to tellya wha to do

2019, Sunday,  4  4. 21

2244,  Sunday,  4  4. 21

 

they were none too happy  

funny how that shit goes 

                           one moment all love hugs and kisses tears of sorrow  familial sympathies

the attorney speaks

his grandmother left him her house and everything contained therein

THEREIN Howbout that  if there ever was a legal exclamation point if not  had to be close

her house

everything inside it

WellShit

 

the attorney having tended the Will closed his valise excused himself and left HIS house

 

WellShit Whahe think bout that

he was a grandchild out of the middle of the heap  the middle of sixtysix grandchildren  eleven greatgrandchildren  eleven children 

                 Howbout that huh

the family was none too thrilled

he could close his eyes and smell it

                                    some had shit in their pants 

 

Whahad he done to deserve this

Maybe deserve wasnt right

That was right

There wasnt a soul he could askNOPE not a soul 

it was curious how crushing silence could feel squeezed his bellymade him feel he had to use the toilet he knew he didnt have to 

              though might be a good excuse to get away momentarily

everyone who thought there might be something in the Will for them came over to Babcias Babas house after repast

What a fine kettle of fish

 

frankly the only thing he wanted from Babcia was her fur coat

it was a long fur coat after the fashion of the day

she had always wanted to return to Poland before she died and also wanted a fur coat that her husband promised her but they could never afford

her children afforded her both

she returned from Poland disillusioned her life disillusioned her  the village where she was born the church she prayed in its cemetery where her parents were buriedWHY why she left eleven years old her uncle vouched for her she came to America and lived with him and his family were scrubbed from the face of the earth by the Nazis

not even its crossroad existed

it was a handsome fur he wanted to cut it down to make a short fur utilise its excess and fashion a stole  maybe a muff too 

the fur was inside the house 

No  they were none too happy 

when it was time to leave he left 

on the street crossing to his car he stopped

he turned around

family was still insidewere standing on the fromt porch

how none too happy were they

he had an apartment

but he didnt have to go anywhere

it was his house

a car approached him

painted him with its headlights

cant stand in the middle of the street

the car slowed

his shadow was long and stark and defined

 

he went back into his house

 

he locked up when everyone left

 

he didnt undress

he laid down on his grandmothers Babcias bed the chenille she told him that she changed him on when he was a baby

he could smell her

smell her soft scent

he thought as a boy if there was a heaven if there were angels theyd smell like her 

he thought Tomorrows another day  Ill think then

he fell asleep

he slept too hard and deep to dream

 

late morning he wrote,  Thursday,  30  5. 19

333 or 1533,  Easter Sunday,  4  4. 21

Dean Martin  Ain’t that a Kick in the Head  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7jgZTDLeIs