11.3.21

 

you stand and wave and watch until you can no longer see them

your wave doesnt stop for a while longer 
                                         because youre reaching fortouching the particles the atoms of their breaths and warm kissestheir huskygoodbyes  for you and they dont ever really want to part 
                                                                                     your hand gently caresses their smiles voice their tremulous laughter which if not for it youd cry instead 
                                                                   cry at the irretrievableness of your time apart

but if youre thinking  if you look though perhaps it is evening  if you looked before you went inside you would see that for moments longer when you had stop waving  they had passed out of sight  your shadow had not

2232,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  10  3. 21
Mom Im sorry I wasnt there to be able to wave you goodbye
I like to think that my shadow  transported  did

10.3.21

 

 

he stopped razzin his buddyhis head popped up Whas that he turned his headpiqued his ears  where was it coming from 
       Man whas that

his buddy quieted hed heard it toolistened for it too 
                                                           Hard . . to say.

they listenedoblivious of each other 
                                     a competition  whod win this one   theyd been at each other since they were kids they might have been curious to know their win-lost tallies 

they quit competing for women longago 
                                           hed slept with two of his buddys girlfriends it didnt console himhe wasnt trying when he told himwhen he fessed up Man alls fair in love and war They came onto me

he said You’re supposed to be my friend.

I am I told yabout them yawouldnt listen to me  So lets say  actions speak louder than words I suspect they wont deny it 
        Whod deny gettin their rocks off
They’re women! he was abrupthurt


They got rocks They got rocks everybit as much as we do

 

One of these days, man; I’m gonna sleep with one of your girls.

Nah Wont happen

Won’t happen? 
               Why won’t it happen?
Yaknow  Im not saying   No fuckin way Id air the reason reasons why

Cocksure, you’re always so cocksur . .
. . In regards to you and I yah Weve known each other a long fuckin time we could complete sentences for the other if we put our minds to it 
                          Yawanna refute that 

Hard . . to say.

 



Sounds queer

Hell, yes.


Cant make it out  not quite

 

Sounds like . . . slobbering.

Fuck no sounds like knives  slapping together singing blades

Knives?

Yah


That’s uncomfortable.

Its only uncomfortable if the sound keeps coming this way

his eyes bugged 
                  Man, that’s really uncomfortable.
An thats why we got legs

 

they stoodup from the table they were sitting at

if they had to go they werent gonna trip over the table and chairs inanimate things have a way of getting in the way 

windows doors

fences

croquet wicketsfuckin assassins  didnt matter how fuckin high ya brought yer knees up
 
0721,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  10  3. 21
1119,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  10  3. 21

 
         comedic Texas senator Cancun Cruz refuses today to vote to confirm Merrick Garland as U.S. Attorney General because he was not satisfied the Honourable Merrick Garland wouldnt politicise the Department of Justice as it had been politicised during the Obama – Biden administration 
                                                              the Court jester disregarding the former president and his Attorney General William Barr

Box score 
            Barr confirmed 54-45
 
            Garland confirmed 70-30

1829,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  10 3. 21


the sky before him was frighteninglyblue 
                                          it was oppressive                      

he was tempted not to continue in the direction he walkedtempted to return from where he came 

why he left he couldnt saydidnt remember 
                                                        how long had he been walking
he couldnt recall

it had to be before daylight 
                            didnt it

he couldnt say


where was he going


he hadnt a clue
                remembering   he laughed to himself  Im walkin here though not remembering where he was walking 
humour helped him transcend confusion irritation  upset    helped on his waywherever he was going


still nothing  NADA




the sky upset him 
                  frighteninglyblue  then his eye caught something down at the sharp horizon
it hooked his eye
like a fishhook
tugged on it
                          better follow along than resist    hook tears out the eye
he liked it right where it was

 

 

a tree it seemed to be a tree   jetblack etched against the frighteninglyblue like a crack in fine china  a violation abused

 

 


closer
      the tree was barren  leafless   blackheavy trunk  guessseveneight metres up splits in three  left and center are ominous  branched   the right limb is snappedjaggedly off  threefour metres of accusingblackness

 


closer
      it resembles ascending lightning   a blackshard spit out of the earth 


closer
     ohshit O shit   OHSHIT  its not a treethe skys cracked a jeblackness depth behind the skycurtain
                                                                                                             he begins to backpedalnot taking his eye off it Take the eye I donwanit hoping he hadnt approached too closehadnt made itmade it aware of him

blackshard
ascendinglightning
frighteninglyblue

                the blue grewbluer
                                   black grewblacker
                                                       it pursued himhe turned to r . . .
  

 

 

The past is never dead. It’s not even past.

0619,  Twosday,  9  3. 21
1234,  Twosday,  9  3. 21
Faulkner 

9.3.21

 

 

    The Ways of Seeing 
                          a book by art critic John Berger who writes of the European nude – a woman of course – a convention revolving around men and their fantasies of Power  men are the unseen spectators  everything is addressed to them  everything is the result of them being there  the objectthe female nude  object of desire  does not confront the viewer with a will of her own  rather she is a mirror enlarging and reflecting the viewer back to himself

thats one way of seeing thingseh


frankly he couldnt imagine being interested in a woman who hadnt a will of her own who couldnt stand toe to toe against him or who wouldnt stand back to back with him against all comers to sought to diminish them 

a relationship is not a zero-sum game one winning proportionally to the others loss

a relationship is a win-win game
                                  a collaborative effort  a partner should be a collaborator

he wasnt European

he was MADE IN USA
                       therein his world of nudes  not mere paintings or glossy photographs  were erected on playgrounds of mutual nakedness 
                                    Lights On  he was a kind of a spelunker though well-lit ferreting in nook and crannies and finding what made his partner squeal and scream and clutch and claw and cum

Now that yer minds blown  my turn 


that was his Way Seeing  then going Blind by orgasm
  
1305,  Sunday,  26  1. 92
1434 or 234. Monday,  8  3. 21
Cream  Tales of Brave Ulysses  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CCfxiQ5QY

 

nobody noway nohow likes dentalwork 
                                        except maybe the character Wilbur Force Jack Nicholson played in the black & white The Little Shop of Horrors he squirmed in his theatre chair watching it


he talked to his old man who said he had a dental appointment and the dentist recommended he have threefour teeth pulled

Three  Four

Yes.

Which is it  Three or four

Whatever.

while growing up Whatever wasnt any part of his fathers lexicon his prime mover and shaker was – hed never forget – Because (period) 
                  fucking PERIOD which meant end of discussion
he didnt like being cut off at the knees he didnt like evasions when he asked a direct question anif his parents had any problem with him it was his tenacityhis pointblank DIRECT questions 
                                                                          between them it had to be between them because virtuallythe same time BECAUSE presented in their lexicon

apparently they thought they could skate on BECAUSE like it was brandnew fresh ice on the rink at the beginning of a hockey period they thought BECAUSE was a Zamboni
                                                        NOT he pressed he redirected  he restated his questions

weekend mornings they spoke to him over their downfolded newspapers their coffees cooling their glasses low on their noses so that they could look him in the eyes unobstructed  no artificial middlemen  lens

yawanna know how absurd those morning were his every thrust and parry was defended by BECAUSE in stereo

in later years whenever they asked him why he was as absurd as he was why he constantly was coming off the wallspewing ridiculous notions hed say
                                           BECAUSE Ive had a lot of practise with the Absurd

 

Whatever.

Whadaya mean whatever Theyre your teeth The dentist said three or four asif he didnt know Yabeen going to this guy long

No.

No

No.

You heard of him how

He was recommended.

By who

I don’t remember?

Wha da  fuck Dad

Joe. You’re language.

his parents always cringed at his swear words

he used them liberally as smelling salts to bring his parents around when he thought they were getting foggy or trying to elude his questioning 
                       later years over the telephone since he didnt live instate most of his conversations with them hedged towards questionings rather than lackluster communication lackerlustier gossip they were trying to disseminate like malignant cancercells                                                                                                              STOP 
                              Aint discussin wha Billy said to Bobby wha Betty said to Sue wha Sue said to Billy an Bobby an Rufus

Who are they?

Theyre nobody Im takin you offpoint so youll answer a direct question with a direct answer

What’s the question?

FUCK

Joe.  You’re language.



Do you intend to have your teeth replaced

We had a conversation regarding that.

ohgood they might be getting somewhere 
                                         An the conversation

It could be replacements that were either temporary or permanent; pricey no matter which. 


Sa Dad  Question

Is it going to be an involved question? I’m getting near dinner.

Nah 
     Not involved  frankly not at all


Yes?

Don take this wrong

Wrong?

Yes I donwanya takin it wrong 


Alright. Your question?

At your age he was 93  Isnt temporary permanent

Jesus, Joe.

Just askin

1436,  Monday,  8  2. 21
1106,  Monday,  8  3. 21
Jack Nicholson  Wilbur Force  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPQSiTIb2Ac

8.3.21

 


a soft subdued sleep 
                       he understood it was happening even as he slept  

he could sense itfeel it asif he slaked his thirst with cool water 
                                                                   it unfolded like the calm and exhaustion after torrid sex and ejaculation  his lovers tender warmth still beside him  her inchoate whispered nonsense as they drift off to sleep 


he was familiar with it accompanied by rain 
                                             most familiar when he slept with his girlfriend  holding her breast or his hand between her legs

 

his subdued sleep was sensuous 
                                   like that extra blanket his mother laid on him as a babe and child when she thought his cheek felt cool and it might warm him just a bit

his subdued sleep was concerned was compassionate 
                                                          like the compassion of weather  the gentle humour and whiteshine of a full moon the warm sweep of the suns gaze on his shoulders and back


an ethereal embrace

eternal embrace
                  which he was grateful for whenever it was bestowed  whenever it graced him
 
2109  remembering from this morning,  Saturday,  6  3. 21
1341,  Sunday,  7  3. 21

 

        grim   Grim        grim 
                        if his dream had grown any grimmer he might have called it a nightmare
which would be extreme of him

he maintained he dreamed Only 
                                  he did not differentiate between good or bad dreams

a dream is a dream is a dream

 

this grim dream drauma   saw the decapitation of a woman her dead body flayed  a stark clinical room provisioned with her head mounted inside a black painted plywood cube front panel missing  tilted downlooking down 
beneath it her skin turned round and round on a wood hanger  like garment

to its left 
          her organs separated haphazard   tall white candles burning  interspersed among them

the display conceived solely to harry her lover 
                                                he lead into it inconspicuously  unsuspectingly
horror

 

 

a strategic immolation of another couple was slated  heralded   he could turn it Off he could wake he chose not to  to see it to its end

they were tied together staked upright naked back to back in a hole dug into black earth doused with enough accelerant to flare burning their feet legs genitals torsos   

they were gagged 
                  muting their howlssuffering them
                                                      the flames sputtering to nothing  the smell of burnt flesh and hair

then they were tipped on their sides buried alive

 

 

a third couplealso bound together were wrapped and suffocated with strips of cloth made of the clothing from their closets 
         mummifying them 


then the dream as dreams can do accelerated time  months later  inside their sealed bedroom  vault   their fourwalled sarcophagus 
               the swatches around their heads were uncoiled  their parents were lead inside 
                                                                                                      also inconspicuously unsuspectingly
 to their horror

     then their final confinement 

0824,  Twosday,  19  11. 19
1054,  Sunday,  7  3. 21
Yusef Lateef  Fantasia for Flute  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HuZD3HEPaI

Brielle in toto

 

         finally   finallyfinally he met her  she was a young womanhed had glimpses of herhad glances
suddenly therethen she was not  

he had assembled these facets of her in his mind and sliver by sliver he found himselfrecognised that she intrigued him 

he liked her 


finally  they met 

 

he stopped into a small liquorstore it also sold gasoline some groceries he stopped to look at its boasted – the sign said -- collection of craft beers 
                          he was looking for something out of the ordinary 
and then there she was behind the counter   unmistakably her                    

turning to greet him she said Hi, hey. . I’ve seen you around. 

it is nice to be recognised Hey Ive been around Though curiously I . . think . Ive seen you around too In profile never head-on like this

Well, it’d be impolite to stare, huh? Worse getting caught.

he smiled he liked she was frank Well let me say this bout that had I the opportunity to stare at you I would have an had you caught me I would think by the expression on my face you would recognised that I wasnt leering at you rather appreciating you

Oh, aren’t you a charmer?

I am though only because my mother said that about me She wasnt wrong about a lot of things about meHa whether she liked them or not

she smiledshook her head slowly side to side Men. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em.

maybe he wasnt In Like Flintbut more In than Out 
                                                      I stopped because of your sign yourah unparalleled selection of craft beers Im crossing my fingers

Boss thinks it’s a good selection, but I could improve it.

You like beer

I like good beer.

Girl after my own heart Youll excuse me 
                                           other customers had entered and were beginning to form up for their purchases Gas


he had the crafts that were there they werent what he was looking for

leaving he made eye contact with her 
                                        Nothing, huh? she asked 
Not that I havent had

Ah. My name’s Brielle.

Joe

Hope maybe I’ll see you again; this is my gig and I’ve been pushing hard to take over ordering. I think I could please you.

I think you could he smiledshe returned his smile quicker  Ill look forward to next time Brielle

the smile hadnt fallen from her face and grew larger she then returned her attention to the customer and sale she was ringing up for them

 

a week and a half later he returned 
                                     JOE! as he came through the door 

Brielle her enthusiasm made him laugh Were you able to wrestle control of the ordering

No. Though not that I’ll stop pressing.

Is there something worthwhile

Me.

harp music went off in his ears You 
Me.

Well I suppose well have to do something about that huh

Yes. We should. Im off at eightthirty this evening, you could walk me home.

Walk you home Any books I can carry for youbeen a long time since I walked a girl home 

No books.

Well we wont let that hinder us Lets call it a date

Yes, please, let’s call it a date.

hmm  they had a date

 

as he walked her home she was enthusedlike a small child shed rush ahead of himwalk backwards talking rushing back to his side circling one way round him then circling the other like a drunken square dance
she had a lot to say was very animated 
                                           Youah  a bit of a conversationalist  he asked smiling

Hell, yah, with customers it’s like pulling teeth, they’re automatons, WhamBamThankyouMa'am.

WhamBam Yaknow how quickly yare winning my heart

Good! Good. her lips spread in a small delighted smile Say, there’s a small dinner ahead, could I buy you a grilled cheese sandwich, they make the best grilled cheese. I’m hungry.

Buy me a sandwich

Sure, I think I owe you, I haven’t given you much a chance to chime in, you been listening carefully, and when I’ve given you a chance to say what you say has been on point, spot on, very insightful.

Thank you

No, thank you.

Though I am concerned that your food will get cold

My food’s always cold. Besides, eating should be about sharing, breaking bread, breaking inroads, sharing different perspectives, sharing thoughts.

Brielle I gotta admit I like you

I like you too, Joe.

Yes Please Lets have a bite to eat and talk some more

she clapped her handsrose up of her toes Yes!


damn good grilled cheese

Brielle was tickled when he order a glass of cold milk 
                                                         Milk? Really?

Really Im surprised when people are surprised Why You think Im too old to be drinking milk

No, it’s just that it’s been a long time since I’ve been with someone who’s ordered milk with their food, usually soda pops or coffee. What the hell, I think I’ll join you.

Great Well compare moustaches

Moustaches. Oh you’re bad.

Wha I think youll look great with a blonde moustache Against your complexion your auburn hair the redhighlights Im thinking Neapolitan ice cream

Neapolitan. Neapolitan. she said it asif it was strange in her mouth Do they still make Neapolitan ice cream?

Somewhere Id bet though Im not keen I like Butter Pecan However for you Ill make an exception

Butter Pecan, shesh. then her eyes went bright So, ah, you think I’m exceptional?

he laughedsounded like a dogs bark 
                                       Brielle Yes You are exceptional but don let it go to yer head I still gotta getya out of here through the doorway to walk you home

she smiled deliciously You are so charming.

So you an my Maw say 


the grilled cheese was good cold

her moustache was better than his 

it was because of the shape of her mouth



in the parking lot she rushed up behind himjumped up on his back nuzzled his neck kissed it 
                                                                                                  Would you be my pony until the street. I can’t remember the last pony back ride I had; I promise, I swear, I won’t forget this one if you allow me to ride you.

Ifya promise to remember ya got a ride

she wrapped him in her arms her head beside his Ooh, you smell so good.

Good until I start sweating

Aww, then you’ll smell even better, smell like who you are.

he chuckled  Yare a queer little bird Brielle

Thank you.

she tugged on his right ear to have him go right at the street

she was light 

he thought he could carry her forever

she was thrilled he didnt put her down 
                                          she whispered in his ear You’re such a good horsey. and kissed it
he whinnied

she laughed  I’M SO HAPPY!

Doesnt take much huh

It shouldn’t, don’t you think?

I think I have simple pleasures too

Birds of a feather!  she laughed

Okay Yes Birds Brielle


she tugged on his left ear 

he went left 

his ears were apparently reins 
                                 she laughed then whispered Wish I had spurs            

Jesus girl Were becoming mighty familiar mighty fast

You want me to slow dow . .
. . No I can keep up 

I believe you can.

they went left then right another right left right another left 
                                                               Just up the street a bit further; I can’t believe you gave me a ride the whole way.

Tell ya wha next time I ride We can take turns

Haha, oh shit. 


You think you can remember how to get here?

Given our convoluted conversations I think if I could follow our currents and flowsoverflows thisll be a cinch  Besides  yare my inscentive

Incentive, that’s sweet.

In scent tive Brielle If I misstep all I have to do is put my nose up in the air and inhale find your scent Your scent Inscentive

Are you making up words for me?

I told you I write

You have.
           Is it, like I’m a . . . a . muse?

You a – muse me

she gave him a big kiss on the back of his head Thank you!

Yare welcome 


Which house

Here on the left.  
                             Ooh. 
Wha

It doesn’t look the same, like the same house, the fascade is . is . different.  I’m disoriented.

Whas the address

5135.

Its 5135 Here he set her downfelt like he was going to launch into the atmosphere suddenly feeling so light with Brielle dismounted  Here give me your key

Okay. 
        after handing him the key she crouched on the sidewalk cowered

Are you okay

I don’t know.

Ill be right back Watch from here

he went up five concrete steps that mounted a berm small decorative lions were to either side at the top he followed the paver walk grass growing up in between them to the front door

the key slipped in

he unlocked the door

pushed it in a bit

he took the key out of the lock and walked down towards her 
                                                                  Brielle he said as he returned to the top of the steps  Yare home 


Huh Doesn’t look right. The fascade, something’s . . different . Different.

he went down the steps to her and reaching for her elbow she grabbed his arm with both hands frightenedshe startled him Brielle Wha                              

The key opened the lock?

Yes

5135?

Yes

I’m not sure.

 

Well lets go up  Your key unlocked it . .
. . You’ll go with me?

Ill go with you
 
                      Come on Im right hereright beside you 


as they ascended the steps she said It looks so strange.

Asif you were in a dream

she lookedupsuddenly into his face Yes. Exactly. In a dream.

I like drea . . 
. . Nightmares?

A nightmares a dream

You don’t think they are different?

I don no 


they went up the walk slowly as Brielle steeled herself 
                                                           You recognised the lions an awfully nice touch

The lions, yes.
                she didnt take her eyes off the entryway You left the door open?
I did 


at the threshold she stopped again I’m not familiar with this, anyofthis. 

he stepped behind her and took her by the shoulders pulled her back against his chest then turned her and as he did he embraced her

she was trembling

Therethere Brielle Were okay  Yare okay yare okay 

Please give me a moment. This is so strange, so strange.

All the time in the world Were okay yare okay he said it with conviction he could feel her beginning to gel feel her strength gathering

 


Okay. 
        I . . ah . think, despite my confusion, I think we can ah . . we can enter.

Okay Letting go of you Lets go in

she laughedthen laughed harder and bit harder We’d look ridiculous, huh, shuffling in clutching each other.

Ive looked ridiculousbeen ridiculous before wouldnt be skin off my ass

But you’re something else. No.  I’m okay. We can go in.

he liked now the firmness of her voiceliked its assuredness returned Then madam if I may Ill open the door all the way an follow you in

Oh, thank you sir. 

she stepped forward without trepidation as he pushed it open and stepped aside

OH MY escaped her 
                      the front room looked asif a kids enormous or many jungle gyms madeup of steel bars pyramids cubes had been pushed over tumbled together laid on modern vibrantlycoloured sectional furniture ottoman a seating group 
       Brielle was agog then delighted then confusednervous she leapt up onto the bars separate poles climbing them and at once seemed to throw gymnastic moves playing poledancing became utterly childish and alternately utterly seductive working her way up and up to an impossiblyimplausible high ceiling 
                                                                                   it were asif a gigantic spider on acid had spun an alacritous glintingsteel web irregular unsymmetric threaded various diameters and upon it as the ceiling seemed to give way opened up  upon it strung them were beetle-like carapaces beads smooth insets facets unfurling wings doorways splitting yawning opening into ascending rooms bedrooms dens bathrooms opened segregated private filled with steaming bathtubs impossibly inverted hanging upside down not dumping their water dictated by queer gravities 
          and she from atop a brightred glistening bead aquiver like jelly like a dribble of mercury freed from a smashed thermometer peeking inside it perhaps through an aperture he couldnt see she she cried Come! You should join me! Join me! I’ve found my bedroom. 
                                  she laughed as she disappeared from sight entering it

her laughter became muffled though she continued laughing laughing happily and as he grabbed bars to scale up after her they became malleable they bent they couldnt support his weightturned to cool teardrops under his grasp  he let go of them because the failed him 
                                he grasped at other bars they avoided him like wary serpents then suddenly  slowly  the fractal mass receded moved away from him leaving an opaque pearlescent slime on the wood floor that seemed to harden he likened it more to a surface of an undisturbed pond not telling its depth revealing the depth of the muck at its bottom  and hardened like a honeycoloured lacquer like unforgiving resin that would later form amber 

the heapthe festooned bars stopped moving presented a gulf between him at it a moat
                                                                                               he couldnt hear Brielle
though he could still see the brightred bead she disappeared into 


he wondered if he should risk crossing the floorrisk crossing itrisk the bars that moved away from him  failed him 

should he risk risk 


he decided No

 

he woke  perhaps a cowards way out he didnt read fantasy

1021,  Sunday,  17  11. 19
1249, Saturday,  6  3. 21