a companyhe couldnt remember its name but that was probably a good thing finally had an associate arrive after dark Christmas Eve

                its Outreach had been promising for two weeks that theyd have an associate stop but repeatedly begged off while reminding them it was the Holidays and because of vacations they were understaffed

he thought he could only think because his family intervened on the companys behalf and muzzled him he too-readily and forcefully spoke his mindwore his feelings on his sleeve How nicehow fucking thoughtful a company that touts its prowess its primacy in critical healthcare-support acted like any-old non-critical business would seeing to itself first

the Christmas Eve visit was a last-ditch effort the company wouldnt be Open again until Thursday January 2 partially-staffed not picking up the reins again until Monday January 6

the associate intelligently diligently deployed her script she dazzled them and instructed his daughter specifically the family scribbling notes on an unreleased fourth-generation gaze-machine -- some sales pitch – she left his daughter a loaned first-generation machine 

                                   unspoken  beggars cant be choosers

they constantly had to recalibrate the machine to read her eyes

if she went unhindered fifteen minutes they considered it a major victory

his daughters their frustration was palpable 

                                               the company said they get a technician out to troubleshoot it

a technician never came

he had arranged his daughters pillows to fix and make stationary her head so she could communicate on the machine

it was early morning nearing three he knelt at her bedside his head under the monitor and worked a CBD balm into her right hand wrist forearm and bicep

the machine made audible words phrases and sentences she placed with her eyes

Dadu.

       cant say she didnt maintain a sense of humour

he looked up Yes baby

she gave him a familiar look with her big beautiful eyes over the top of her ventilator mask

he crept backwards not to bump the machine with his head stood sidestepped it and standing beside her looked at what she had written on the screen

                                D feel No working D feel  Dfeel  No working  D feel  No working

his throat thickened 

                      D feel he said

when he felt his eyes wouldnt betray him he looked in to her eyes

                                                                      he asked  D feel

she looked wondrously back into his eyes

                                             it seemed she didnt know either as if the machine printed D feel by itself

he asked her if she wanted him to clear the screen so she could write

she blinked once

one blink Yes

two blinks No

he cleared the screen

                       Ill keep massaging your arm

one blink

while he worked on her arm he would watch her eyes as she intently wrote he assumed emails through the machine she could also text

this was one of the longest times he could remember when she didnt have to recalibrate

Dadu. 

      she startled him the speaker was directly above his head he was surprisedhe jumped inside himself and not physically not knocking the monitor out-of-synch

she gave him a familiar look with her big beautiful eyes

he worked his way out again and stood beside her

on the screen D feel D feel D feel D feel D feel

he didnt say anything for lingering seconds

D feel had been a stand alone phrase

a phrase she saved

he wondered if she wasnt tallying her D feel-ings 

                                                    her Death feel-s

he couldnt bring himself to ask her

maybe she couldnt bring herself to say explicitly

when he could bring himself to speak he turned to her again 

                                                                You dont know

she looked wondrously back into his eyes again

she blinked twice

                      then her eyes moved from his  she looked over his shoulderlooked into the corner of the dark room where he had turned too many times to look and see nothing but where she obviously saw something

                                                                                                            she lay bathed in a single halo of light from a canister above the bed

                                                         whatever it was seemed to provide her solace

Shall I clear the screen for you

it was a while before she turned her attention to him  

she blinked twice

                   then she closed her eyes

Are you going to try to sleep

she opened her eyes blinked once and closed them again

he leaned forward and kissed her gently on the forehead 

                                                             I love you so very much sweetheart

she didnt open her eyes

he saw she smiled behind the ventilator mask a big smile she only knew how to make big smiles

all her life she smiled big

0758,  Friday,  21  2. 20

1217,  Twosday,  1  9. 20

Blood, Sweat & Tears  You’ve Made Me So Very Happy  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjZtRAoITP0

he didnt provoke religious or spiritual conversations

however if someone proselytisedshoved it in his face solicited  to say his tongue came ungluedhis ire spiked  would be an understatement

his family was aware of that

they kept their two cents to themselves

You and Mom were soulmates.

Soulmates no We never talked that way

You and Mom never talked about being soulmates?

No We loved each other

                          Soul whatever that is never had anything to do with our meeting and falling in love We were in love Period

I can’t believe that you and Mom weren’t soulmates.

Careful If you think only soulmates fall in love and marry youll have to explain why modern marriages are a coin toss  whether they succeed or fail  

Do soulmates divorce 

Seems counterintuitive

Jesse and I are soulmates. We recognised that early in our rela . .

. . Maybe it has to be conferredconfirmed early in ones relationship

Neither of you are religious Spiritual But not religious

When Mom wanted you girls to go to Presbyterian church I told her she was welcome to but I wasnt participating in any religious indoctrination 

                        he laughed  That was against my religion

Tickled yourself, huh?

I did

I’m really having a hard time believing you didn’t see each other as soulmates.

No Hope Im not raining on your parade

So you dont . . anticipate . meeting Mom again?

Sweetheart Moms dead   I do not

she was visibly upset

there was nothing he could do to console her

Jesse and I are soulmates. she was adamant

he wasnt going to pushback had nothing to do with it

Soulmates she said never say goodbye. They will meet again. Death is a temporary interruption.

To wit I disagree

                   Although Ill admit it sounds comforting

I feel sorry for you, Dad.

Dont Thatd be a waste of your time and time is valuable

0758,  Friday,  21  2. 20

1541,  Twosday,  1  9. 20

Doors  People Are Strange  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NyC6mrutj0

his mother reneged on her promise

she welched on it

he put her up to itin a tight spot when he criedwhen he made her promise

he was four or five

                     more likely four he didnt thinkdidnt remember he was in school yet

she shouldnt have promised

                               even if her promise quieted him as she held himconsoled him in her lap at the big oak kitchen table  wiped the tears from his eyes with the warm perfumed handkerchief his grandmother handed her that she kept at her bosom inside her dressing gown

she shouldnt have promised

four years old frightened startled from his sleep that his parents would die and leave him alone

he didnt think about it he never should have eliciteddemanded extracted her promise promising for her and his father

she died March 11

but he couldnt mourn her

he was mourning his daughter who died February 27

he was still mourning his daughter 

                                     knowing full well when he shut one door immediately the other would open

Now he wished he didnt make her promise

1223,  Moanday,  31  8. 20

Joe Henderson  Y Ya La Quiero  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FvyANqV80g

0959  Day-between-Two-Ts  26  2. 20

he likedLoved to visit his daughter

her house

her husband

her children

Loved to visit his daughter

he fearedYES feared  when she was stolen from the equation what hed really like of what remained

1323 or 0123,  Sunday,  30  8. 20

Three Dog Night  Circle for a Landing  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdiAbDs24FA

Hallie wrote inside a consolation card she made a buffalo standing in majestic profile to its knees in prairie grass and splashes of coloured wildflower facing left

I’d be honored to be mourned by you. In your mind, I know I’d still be around in the most beautiful ways. I love you.

he replied in a note the same day

Love, your consolation is the most beautiful thing I have ever read.

Since eventually you’ll mourn me, I’m happy knowing you’ll hold me up to Life the way only you can.

I love you and miss you desperately.

1401,  Twosday,  3  3. 20

1323 or 123PM,  Moanday,  31  8. 20

LULU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDjlaN-X8-0  Creep was playing when she left

two years ago today

4:44 in the morning

Daniela Andrade 

there was a painting on the wall in the utilityroom den

                                                          a room that to his mind should have been left outdoors if the intent from the get-go was to incorporate it into the house halfass

he had been a carpenter

it piqued him with its shoddiness the poor glazing abysmal insulation ill electrical  maybe if the subcontractors were blindworked with their eyes closed they could be proud of their effort

he didnt like the room but he had to go through it to get to the backyard

the painting on the wall he tried to allow that it was the rooms redemption  he had to try very hard

                                                                                                          but it only became harder when he learned to story of the painting

it was hung on the wall offcenter right acrylic on canvas a gloss laminate to pop the colours was applied when the family – they painted it together – decided it was finished

a gorgeously rendered blue feather like an ethereal broad spearhead floated in the upper righthand corner tantalising slight maroon ribs adorned it

his daughter painted it

                         she told him that beside it were three other feathers but they were obliterated overpainted by her zealous youngest daughter who preferred to smear paint than paint he liked to smear paint with his hands and fingers but she smeared and worked her palette to nearly black a deeply bruised pinkpurplish swirl

she consumed two of the three feathers his daughter painted

the third one her eldest daughter whited-out before she painted over it

the two had at the painting unsupervised while his daughter was helping tend to the birth of a Gypsy Vanner

her elation at the colts birth was sorely diminished when she returned home to learn her portion of the canvas was violated

it was understood the painting quartered the girls had the lower half because they were shorter

they dragged a diningroom chair to the playroom where the painting hung and stood on it

he supposed his daughter forgave them

                                           audaciously they said their mother just quit painting  She could have painted them again NO It was her portion of the canvas and you both knew it

the girls didnt like him much

he didnt treat them like children

                                   why would he he knew they were intelligent and greedy they used their childhood as leverage they seemed to forget he raised their mother who was intelligent and never greedy

the disconnect was stunning

the childrens lower half of the canvas was a fascinating display of haste and possession if they couldnt have something to themselves they despoiled it

left across from the surviving feather was a goldcoloured orb arced with cobaltblue and applegreen concentric fibers which occasioned to thicken and form ribs without rhyme or reason almost band-like as they wind outward

                                                                                                                 at its center is a hazel eye which refuses to look at the feather

towards the left edge from the orb lazes a thick graywhite snot that erodes and is heavily interspersed with bright applegreen forming a kind of optic nerve 

beneath the orb untouched unmired by the girls is a muddiedgreen anatomical heart seeded like a pomegranate fruit

the seeds the colour of a pomegranate

it is a difficult painting to say I like it

                                        he adored his daughters featherher execution liked his soninlaws make-up artists eye and small distinct portions of his granddaughters marled and suffused greed 

the painting emoted

the best thing it did was distract him from the rest of the room as he walked through it

1011,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  26  2. 20

1217,  Moanday,  31  8. 20

it had to be a bad jokea really sick joke

                                        he kept waiting to wakesomeone to pinch him kick him viciously in the shins

it was terribleis terrible to know  to NO! say it aint so

but evidence says otherwise

                             rationaleReason says Ixnay Ya got no abracadabra  no juice

NA

DA

heknew

       he was looking for a way out 

a rabbithole

a looking glass

theyd be nice

rather

beautiful

         it would be beautiful

he could close his eyes
                         break his nose walking into a street sign

                                                                   he would if he could stop what was coming

he broke it three times

eyes wide open

saw it coming

why play blind manblind men dependent on others were dressed like clowns

thats the tip the tell

                      dressed like a polack theyre blind  nothing to guess

this was shit

there was nothing to be done other than see it through to its bitterbitter heartbreaking end

he could see it off in the distance

                                   at the start

inevitable

but he wantedbadly that somewhere in between shed catch a break

                                                                          that the end wasnt part of a continuum

HAah he fooled himself

when really slapped in the faceseeing stars he looked for a fall guy

                                                                       looked to blame

but this cat was wearing his shoes Nice shoes he talked to himself

he willingly deluded himself to help her fight for her life because she firmly believed she would win out

                                                                                                             she usually did

they broke his heart

0124,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  26  2. 20

1439,  Sunday,  30  8. 20

Big Head Todd and the Monsters  Circle  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVhS_zSVFN8

it was eight minutes later 10:06 AM 

his cellfones log Missed calls read 09:58

he scribbled it on a piece of paper to memorialise it because it caught his attention like a bright shiny object

he knew of himself if he poked and prodded hed eventually remember the eight minutesthe times

                                                                                                      he wasnt his mother who still didnt bother to keep a small spiral notepad and pen near her to jot things down if they occurred worthwhile to her in the moment

he called her back

eight minutes later

                     Whassup Maw

Oh hi, Joe.

Hey Maw yacalled

I called?

Yah

I called you?

Yah You called me Sounded like you had something on your mi . .  

. . I don’t know, I don’t remember, I don’t remember why I called you.

Not at allhuh

No.

Maybe yasaw something  Are you in the same room when you ca . . 

. . I don’t remember calling you.

I dont want to upset you . . you called me eight minutes ago . . would you guess eight minutes ago youre where you are now Maybe you were in a different room

his parents had multiple telephones throughout their home two levels two livingrooms two kitchens fivethousand square feet

No. I’ve been sitting here in the family room. I haven’t left it.

Okay Maybe I crossed your mind and you just wanted to check insay Hi

No. I don’t think you crossed my mind, I can’t remember, my brain’s a mess, it’s all mashed up, I’m all discombobulated.

Discombobulated Thats a great word Maw six syllables most people dont even know it Your brain cant be so mashed up if you have six syllable words coming out of your mouth

No.  You wouldn’t think so, would you?  Joe. I’m a mess, I’m upset.

How can I help Maw

                      his sister mentioned to him that her daughter believed her grandmother was suffering from undiagnosed Alzheimer’s Shaddup maybe venomous  his niece saw her grandmother once in a blue moondidnt call hed been talking with her on the telephone a couple hours a crack practically once a week for years OH shes a librarian like he wanted to hear her learned diagnosis  Shaddup woudja

discombobulated

                   he wasnt he looked out into the backyard and watched wild birds splash and bathe in the shallow end of his daughters swimming pool

absently he asked her You use this much

Excuse me?

Your pool Use it much

Not much.

Clean it yourself

No. Have somebody who does.

Pretty expensive bird bath

discombobulated

                   Maw Do you think you remember an use discombobulated because Dads name Bob is in it

she laughed worry went out of her voice Oh, Joe, that’s choice, I’ll have to remember to tell him that.

Got your pad

               Write it down

0958,  Monday,  24  2. 20

1253,  Sunday – Tolzs birthday,  30  8. 20