30.8.20


it was eight minutes later 10:06 AM 

his cellfones log Missed calls read 09:58

he scribbled it on a piece of paper to memorialise it because it caught his attention like a bright shiny object

he knew of himself if he poked and prodded hed eventually remember the eight minutesthe times
                                                                                                      he wasnt his mother who still didnt bother to keep a small spiral notepad and pen near her to jot things down if they occurred worthwhile to her in the moment


he called her back

eight minutes later
                     Whassup Maw

Oh hi, Joe.

Hey Maw yacalled

I called?

Yah

I called you?

Yah You called me Sounded like you had something on your mi . .  
. . I don’t know, I don’t remember, I don’t remember why I called you.

Not at allhuh

No.

Maybe yasaw something  Are you in the same room when you ca . . 
. . I don’t remember calling you.

I dont want to upset you . . you called me eight minutes ago . . would you guess eight minutes ago youre where you are now Maybe you were in a different room

his parents had multiple telephones throughout their home two levels two livingrooms two kitchens fivethousand square feet

No. I’ve been sitting here in the family room. I haven’t left it.

Okay Maybe I crossed your mind and you just wanted to check insay Hi

No. I don’t think you crossed my mind, I can’t remember, my brain’s a mess, it’s all mashed up, I’m all discombobulated.

Discombobulated Thats a great word Maw six syllables most people dont even know it Your brain cant be so mashed up if you have six syllable words coming out of your mouth

No.  You wouldn’t think so, would you?  Joe. I’m a mess, I’m upset.

How can I help Maw
                      his sister mentioned to him that her daughter believed her grandmother was suffering from undiagnosed Alzheimer’s Shaddup maybe venomous  his niece saw her grandmother once in a blue moondidnt call hed been talking with her on the telephone a couple hours a crack practically once a week for years OH shes a librarian like he wanted to hear her learned diagnosis  Shaddup woudja



discombobulated
                   he wasnt he looked out into the backyard and watched wild birds splash and bathe in the shallow end of his daughters swimming pool

absently he asked her You use this much

Excuse me?

Your pool Use it much

Not much.

Clean it yourself

No. Have somebody who does.

Pretty expensive bird bath




discombobulated
                   Maw Do you think you remember an use discombobulated because Dads name Bob is in it

she laughed worry went out of her voice Oh, Joe, that’s choice, I’ll have to remember to tell him that.

Got your pad
               Write it down

0958,  Monday,  24  2. 20
1253,  Sunday – Tolzs birthday,  30  8. 20


a simple sawhorse 


You want a job?
                  the sawhorse was his distinction  his high bar  a good carpenter can build a stout sawhorse inside fifteen minutes

There’s the twobyfours. You got your tools. I got my watch. You let me know when you’re ready.

Awright

Alright? You’re ready?

Yah

Okay. On your mar . . 
. . Wait a second Seriously On your mark

Yes. I know. My wife hates it too, but my daughters think it’s a scream.

A scream

You said you were ready, right?

No I side with your wife I don’t care for it either
                                                    Cant you just say Go

You want a job? You’d be working for me. What I say flies.

he nodded he didnt say hed let him assume that his nod was acquiescence

Alright then; my wife wants a marriage too.
                                              It’s a small concession in the big scheme of things.

Good point

It is, not to put too fine a point on it.  I’m the boss.
                                                     You work for me.

I hear you

Okay. You ready?


I am

Okay.

On your mark. Whas a mark

Get set. he really despised countdowns

GO!


timed to build a sawhorse

he could do it in his sleep

a thing of function and basic beauty

efficient
          as anything is that hasnt moving parts




his boss learned later once he insinuated himselfworked on all crews became a valued cog an asset known that not everything he said flied

0900,  Monday,  24  2. 20
1050,  Sunday,  30  8. 20
Blood, Sweat & Tears  Spinning Wheel  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbRR0WjMqEk    



her heart dragged her brain behind it took it out for a wild ride a wicked crack-the-whip and screamed Hold on! We ain’t stopping til we run out of gas!
                               then slyly smiling over its shoulder it said Oh my goodness, appears we have a full tank.

he didnt hear what her brain cried back
                                          its voice was lost in the growl of hearts enginethe squealing tires burning rubber


her heart though  misjudged the strength of her brainits grasp  there was no shaking it

watching them go as they sped off he wondered who was taking who for a ride

0834,  Monday,  24  2. 20
1348,  Saturday,  29  8. 20

29.8.20



the heroin made her think she was going to die


he looked her hard in the eyes
                                Talking from experience baby Youre seeing weird shit Remember its the heroin Its not thereYoure here with me Im with you  Youre safe   Youre in a safe place

Im not going anywhere I wouldnt be anywhere else in the world

she panted high in her chest

she sputtered she could handle it

he held her hand

he had his doubts


she paid a steep price for the pop

she poked a virgin vein

her eyes darted wildly about the room
                                       Comon stay with me Pleasant thoughts baby keep your head  Quiet   Calm Nothing but calm cool thoughts kiddo  See  and  feel  good things


he was a nice guy  
                  had always been a nice guy to her a friend   he wouldnt do anything to cross their friendship

shed been saying she wanted to try it

he put her off

she let herself be put off

he thought he talked some sense into her head
                                                but she wanted to try it 
she found itgot raked over the coals

he could have got her a better pricesent her in the right direction  her decision

he wasnt going to turn her on

hed help with the paraphernalia the cook

but he wasnt going to turn her on


the ways her eyes went around the room spooked him

he looked over his shoulder more than once expecting something to be therehave materialised

but she was quiet contained   though frightened


if he was a betting man hedve bet on this

a bad trip tends to disincentivise

he tried he tried hard  subtly


he understood her

she learned by doing

he was happy that she came to him to get high 
                                                 very happy

hed be her safe haven until she got back
                                           unfortunately scratching at the back of his skull like a feral cat at a wood post was another woman he knew who he tried to dissuade who ODed who stayed away from him because he did I can’t trust you. You can trust me You don’t want me to do it. I dont want you to do it I . think it will trouble you I wanna do it. You can’t stop me. No . I cant

No . I cant


No . I cant
            that hurt years ago still goes deep 


the bruise wont lessen if ever until he leaves the city

2130,  Sunday,  23  2. 20
1216,  Saturday,  29  8. 20



she had an imaginative mind

sometimes it took her places she didnt want to go but she went anyway

which isnt to say that she couldnt turn her mind away set off in another direction

if telling stories to entertain her little sisters and brothers hadnt fallen to her
                                                                                maybe she would have struggled

if any one of the used stationwagons her father bought to tow the family around had workable radios in them
                                                                                                                    maybe she would have struggled

she had an inkling her father used the broken radios as leverage to drive down the price

with every broken car radio

with every weekend visit across state lines

with every late departure returning home

Dad caffeinated

shots and beers suppressed

she became the radio  the entertainment

the kids piled into the wagon and snuggled up together

Mom and Dad sat in the dark on the benchseat her mother would slide over and rest her head on her fathers shoulder
maybe thats what they looked like when they were dating when he took her home or they watched a Drive-In movie

no sooner had the car pulled onto the road off the crushed stone drive her father would say 
                                                                                                Whadayasay, Millie? Tell us a story? like clockwork

What would you like to hear? A nice story, a scary one; a love story?


Millie loved to tell stories impossible stories
                                                her characters were always animals
she loved love stories



when she was older high school later in college she solicited love letters for five dollars apiece for stupid boys who spuriously had jeopardised their relationships

with their particulars known she crafted them and the boys rewrote in their own hand

she wrote them their love story
                                 and sometimes the boy reading itreading it to make sure he could read her handwriting broke into tears 
                  that was her favourite part

she liked to make boys cry


2042,  Sunday,  23  2. 20
1104,  Saturday,  29  8. 20



Rest in Peace  R I P
                     thats a crock of shit                        
that aint peace

yare dead
           
               peace and death are not synonymous

yawanna say piece and death
                               then mebbe were talking
                                                               but certainly not peace


death finds us all
                   an terribly unfortunately  not always peaceably
war

murder
         hmm theres a difference  although the State might insist there isnt

accidents

illnesses

suicides



peace and death
                   mebbe for an entitled old man or woman living well in their house who dies in their sleephe could buy into that
           though that will probably happen fewer an furthur apart than we might think in the future


1852,  Sunday,  23  2. 20
2201, Reggae Friday,  28  2. 20

28.8.20



he spent nearly the entire winter in LA inside
                                             pretty fucking incredible

because it was intimate for the most part only four of them he couldnt say if many in LA also did

he assumed they were very exclusive

after all  LA touts its exclusivity
                              its enclaves  the Hills its Hollywood Santa Monica Calabasas  like Montecito north



he didnt like cities


after he left and people understood hed been in LA for the winter they asked him what he thought of it

I didnt

You were in LA for months; you should obviously have an opinion.

Obviously

You were there for months.

My opinion would be uninformed I dont bray like an ass about things I dont know  But if push were to come to shove . .

ah  that got their attention

. . Id say  it aint he began singing My kind of town . . L A aint my kind of town . L A aint my kind of razzamatazz nor does it have . . .
                   Got me  to culminate the effect he narrowed his eyes menacingly
Yaknow how we can often break into Broadway tunes or welknown songs that can sing for usexplain for us better than we can say Though not so many off the radio  unless once upon a time pirated radio  but that aint happening no more

Balls in your court


bright people let the ball lay 

usually walked away

0619,  Sunday,  23  2. 20
1646, Reggae Friday,  28  2. 20
Sinatra  My Kind of Town  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iK_CL7sr018




he wrote



he remembered


he fictionalised

to distrack himself

to remove part of himself

to save
            save it from the scorching  the pain  the lacerations

so that into that part he could escape

anyes not escape


it was a poor defense mechanism

but writing had always been a good mechanism to be
                                                           annot to be

0316,  Thursday,  20  2. 20
1048,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  26  8. 20
Stones  You Can’t Always Get What You Want  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dfYcQ_r_x8

27.8.20



they watched The Bachelor together while they had dinner off TV trays

they rolled their eyesat least the adults did a guilt pleasure and cautioned the girls throughout how ridiculous and absurd people can be to be aware

it was curious to use The Bachelor as a cautionary tale


he though supposed The Bachelors production and comic absurdity helped offset and quietedif only for two hours the dramatic absurdity that strangled their circumstances and lives

The Bachelor was over in a listed scheduled time
                                                    cliffhangers intrigue included

theirs was not
                 they were doing their damnedest to extend their Airtime

0349,  Thursday,  20  2. 20
1553,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  26  8. 20




she had machines all around her

machines with numerical readouts that told him physically where she was

he saw
         he knew

and she had him communicate to her where she was

Aniela always had to have her finger on the pulsethe numbers
                                                                   a bookkeeper a fiduciary
she would


he didnt want to know every detail but he did

it was macabre



he wasnt sure he ever wrote macabre before

0330,  Thursday,  20  2. 20
1150,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  26  8. 20

Not Ever


she had no time to herself

while she was conscious

she was watched

while she slept

she was watched


she had been a private woman

now she had no privacy

to urinate or defecate

she was watched


if they werent watchingused the bathroom themselves

while she catnapped

if she woke alone

she panicked

she rang a doorbell with her toe that they installed on her bed

because she couldnt cry out

she couldnt talk

she didnt have the use of her arms

she was helpless
                   as a newborn babe  with forty years of living in her head


she knew what they knew

she – perhaps – feared what they feared

theyd never truly know her fear



he could only speak for himself


he was with her when she drew her first breath


he feared – terribly – her last breath
                                       but he had no choice
he did not


he never ever imagined these circumstances

                                                 not ever

she was breaking his heart

taking pieces with her

not ever to return


0255,  Thursday,  20  2. 20
1954,  Twosday,  25  8. 20