Aww comon he growled Nin Ive been readin ya for years

his hands tingled 

he wanted to slap her silly

Nin Nin This aspect wha a fuckin ninny

she wrote in Incest

                     I tremble because I wonder when my mind will fail, prove inadequate. Yet, like Louise, I have the feeling that I can be made to understand everything – that at (Dr. Otto) Rank’s age I may be able to write a book (Art and Artist) like Rank’s – but I am a woman, I know, and woman’s mind is imperfect – or – I could say that it is insufficient. I should not be so ambitious and want Rank, Henry (Miller), and (Rene) Allendy to do the big tasks. I will do my woman’s task and will learn enough, understand enough, so that Henry can talk to me.

JesusChrist why would you write that the book Incest was a small portion of her unexpurgated diaries for the years 1932 through 1934 Why would you think an write such utterly absurd nonsense

he had read twothree of her books before he delved into her letters and diaries and he found her admission ludicrous – that a woman would excuse herself because she was imperfectHOGWASH – and thereby suggest all women are

Stub your toe on this Anais

                             Men Women Were imperfect Imperfect Deficient Because you were born female shouldnt have stigmatised you asif you were at fault a criminal a sin

the women he had in his life had backbones otherwise he wouldnt pay women heed ounce for ounce pound for pound women are more intelligent more creative more capable than men

the only thing men had on women was their deranged history a queer artifice manoeuvre of superiority based on the fact that they were male and could physically beat females into submission and many world religions manifestly ascribed men superior

                      men should lord over women

                                                       Lordie Lawdy Lordy what a bent malevolent premise

Men sperm banks are filled to overflowing

                                           women need men like they need a hole in the head

and more men than he could shake a stick at desperately needed and wanted a womans hole

Shame on you Anais In that momenthe hoped it was passing you underevaluated yourself suborned yourself to mens assured guile and unsubstantiated preponderance

Shame shame shame

he would have given his eye teeth to have met her for the woman she was rather than the woman she might have thought she was

1026,  Sunday,  02  02. 2020

1137,  Thursday,  23  7. 20

               cellar door

                          reared up yet againflashed in his eyes inside his head came up on him when he woke to turn onto his hiphis sidedrawing up his knees to sleep some more

Phonaesthetics whispered Aren’t you grateful I brought Euphony? I could have brought brother Cacophony instead.

Yes graful he mumbled yes Graful  Thankya  

one of his big toms hopped up onto the foot of the bed interrupting them 

he wasnt keen of Phonaesthetics early in the morning  

he mumblednearly asleep a hypnagogic riff Indie if you please lay behind my bent knees

the please and knees harhared and climbed up on cellar doors back as his mind unspooled trying to tiptoesneak out of consciousness

indie laid behind his knees as he wished

                                           likely it was indie he was older more practised  before the other cats arrived he would go to bed with him and sleep with his head on his chest tucked in his armpit and early morning when he rolled onto his side indie sought the crook of his knees

before exiting

              one last museone more mutter Cellophane floor YAHcellophane floor  Rhymes donit Onpar wit cellar door

he sighed deeply Auditory beauty and escaped

    

0720,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  22  7. 20

$146K -- killed

hes talented the president can place two slurs within a conjunction of each other

hes had to withdraw his Conventions keynote speech in Jacksonville Florida because of coronavirus – some people think he ought to go

“They said (they are his team – unidentified enablers) ‘Sir, (he thought for sure Drumpf misspoke SIRE!), we can make this work very easily.’ . . . I said there’s nothing more important our country than keeping our people safe, whether it’s from the China Virus or the radical left mob.”

                                                https://www.npr.org/2020/07/23/894874198/president-trump-cancels-jacksonville-portion-of-republican-national-convention?utm_source=npr_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=20200723&utm_term=4695965&utm_campaign=breaking-news&utm_id=28916831&orgid=55 

                                         the reality is novel coronavirus (which is really inconvenient—he must assume his “our people” arent dying – Why can’t it just disappear already.) and protesters who have the freedom of speech and the right to assemble

Dummy

1633,  Thursday,  23  7. 20

the presidents new ploy

                          while speaking at new coronavirus briefings without physicians (80,000 Americans have died in-between) he steadfastly digs in on his teleprompters and briefly showed the mask he wears as he encourages everyone to wear one  quickly he tucks it back in his pocket 

as he watched that goofy performance it occurred to him it really wasnt too different or dissimilar than the president flashing someone the condom he carries in his wallet but will never use

1810,  Thursday,  23  7. 20

Whacha got?

             he was always at him doublechecking questioning Whadaya got? Ya got five minutes. Gimme something inside five minutes.

Did I ever tell ya about the doctor who left her practise because of me

Wha?

Yah she left her practise Id known her four yearsif knowing is the right term She performed my physicals  She was an internist I didnt see her otherwise but once Id like to have seen her otherwise but she was married 

And?

The third years physical labs returned with a high Bilirubin count It frightened her I did the furthur testing she insisted saw a specialist  The urologist determined that I was a patient who came down outside the normal scale of things Nothing to worry about 

But she was worried?

Yes she was So I made another appointment to see her She was over the moon I was okay I told her Id see her next year for my physical She hugged me hard with emotion I hugged her back I thanked her againsincerely for her care

And?

And

And?

What

Whahappened?

Ya wanted inside fiveya got it

1406,  Twosday,  22  7. 20

it peeved him every time

but there was nothing to do about it

they were only coffee cups and mugshis wife bought them for himhis daughters bought them for him Wha does Dadu need? for his birthday Easter a gift Christmas A new coffee mug. or they went to a consignment shop or an antique mall purchased him something dated like him

his eldest daughter got a little better at it as an adult she really tried I had too, Dadu, I just couldn’t pass it up; I knew you’d appreciate it despite it being wrong for you.

he didnt think either his wife or his youngest gave it any thought beyond the thought of gifting him

he said Thank you one doesnt look a gift horse in the mouth

they were righthanded 

better than ninety percent of the world is righthanded

                                                      the tyranny of the majority

he could bellyache   

but it would be for naught

Com’on man, it’s only a coffee cup.

                                     a coffee cup or mug whose decoration faces away from him while he enjoys it

because hes drinking with his left hand

hes ambidextrous

he could he could drink with his right

                                         or maybe a potterymaker or manufacturer could make a cup or mug for a lefthanded person

Comon man Its only a fucking coffee cup

                                                 peeeeved

1042,  Monday,  20  7. 20

1308,  Twosday,  21  7. 20

“acting” without any prior experience #5 Drumpf DHS secretary Chad Wolf needs to go back to terrorising fictional Lil’ Red Riding Hoods

               https://www.msnbc.com/11th-hour/watch/russel-honore-on-feds-in-portland-what-kind-of-bullsh-t-is-this-88101445932

1041,  Twosday,  21  7. 20

Sam the Sham & the Pharoahs  Lil’ Red Riding Hood  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNEYfIUDkh8

there were bubbles in the tops of the apricot which stunned and pleased him more than he could say

                                                                                                          he was sitting on the toilet his afternoon constitutional gazing out the window the sun glinted off themoff their gentle trembling they couldnt help but catch his eye 

they clung to the foliage and bare sticks that he would prune in the Fall when the apricot went dormant

                                                                                                             they were clinging because a soft breeze moved the tree crowns behind them occasional leaves fluttered free  and if they werent clinging they would have lifted floated away or exploded

                                                            Oh!s usually accompanied their bursting their spherical crystalline reality breathtaking anticipation then the sodden realisation that the marvelous suddenly gracing us is transitory 

as we are

            but were not as beautiful or exquisite were not perfect vessels and we do not suddenly POPsuddenly disappear with only memory as our refuse

he sat very still and watched

he adored

then a single bubble 

                      the breeze had laid down

trembled more obviously than the others 

                                           it quit its clinging and lifted into the blue air its iridescence pronounced and like a flock of birds the other bubbles followed lifting too

                                                            they floated straight up  up    up

and at an altitude above the stickery ends of tree branches the single lead bubblenot ten feet above quiet silvered mass veered sideways  other bubbles followed its lead or diverged

                                                            and what transpired was a rapid acceleration and swirlingan iridescent murmuration that twisted mounted twisted back on itself like taffy a thousands-part quivering amoebic dance

then with what sounded like a pebble splashing in a pond

                                                                        gone

he rubbed his eyeshe wondered if he should trust them 

                                                           but he put that aside for they had benefitted himtreated him to savory untold glancesbreathtaking peeks and bore simple  witness

looking again everything was as it was deepgreen apricot foliage the azure sky broken low by reefs of trees and leafy tentacles

        though it seemed a shimmering remained wafting like underwater seagrass or weed

                                                                                                     a ghostly sundog

he wondered if the bubbles would resent being called a sundog                                                                                             

a quiet effervescent shimmering

he had trouble getting up off the pot

his legs had partially fallen asleep

                                  napped

1029,  Monday,  20  7. 20

1030,  Twosday,  21  7. 20

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4f_1_r80RY  

$144K -- killed

the president today We will shield the vulnerable

https://www.msnbc.com/11th-hour/watch/trump-again-says-covid-19-will-disappear-in-first-virus-briefing-in-months-88101957604

               The coronavirus will disappear

if this administration thinks that they have both oars in the waterthat theyre negotiating these deadly days – they aint – theyre rudderless going downstream

                                        could be a hellacious waterfall in the river

2212,  Twosday,  21  7. 20

Jello NO asshole  its spelled Jell-O     he didnt remember that he couldnt remember if he had a favourite Jell-O

he couldnt remember the last time he had Jell-O  

as a boy they had it for dessert a dollop of Cool Whip on top

                                                                he probably had frozen Cool Whip more recently than he had Jell-O

gelatin 

         his mother probably served it a couplethree times a week because it was flavourful but also a good source of protein

         not that the organ meats they ate didnt provide protein and more

he remembered going to grade school and sharing that he had liver the night before 

most of the kids tried to belittle him saying how awful it was that his parents fed him organs

he corrected them Not awful  Offal 

they didnt get it

some boys who were bigger than him took except

thats what bullies do

to compensate for his size and strength he fought dirty a handful of dirt in the face bends the arc towards equality 

he wished he had asymmetric warfare in his pocket for the teachers and principal Vietnam wasnt yet in full swing

other times he realised bigger kids were oafs slow didnt know how to move box  

boxing was a family trait they had a few Golden Glove boxers among them who loved nothing more than share their passion and skills  their type of bullying 

but with anythingif youre smart you learn from your mistakes 

                                                                  he learned he was a quick study particularly when learning meant you didnt have to get your ears knocked off or had to get up off the flooroff your back

some of his cousins didnt care for it

he dug it

          it might have suggested a kind of inherent masochism maybe 

                                                                            but possibly it crowded out what could have been sadist tendencies

he was the kid prone to jumping into the mix to stop many boys from beating up one boy

bullies are boosted when theyre in numbers

it was nice to catch a couplesometimes three who never saw it comingwho were so secure in their numbers that they felt they didnt have to watch their backs

YOU ALWAYS HAD TO WATCH YOUR BACK

                                                his life depended on him  he had to stand up for himself

if he caught a break if someone did side with him BONUS but he didnt expect bonuses so when they truly happened they were appreciated all the more

Jell-O 

       it was innarestin it passed through his head and reminded him of so much more than Jell-O

2039,  Twosday,  12  5. 20

1450 or 250,  Monday,  20  7. 20

https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/invention-of-gelatin-jello  https://www.foodnavigator.com/Article/2020/01/13/Offal-is-unbeatable-UK-doctors-push-health-and-environmental-benefits-of-organ-meats# 

he sat down next to a man on a bus

the seat was empty as were most on the bus it was late  

since it was a public bus he didnt ask

                                         he sat

he usually chose to sit beside the most colourful charactersthe ones who thought perhaps that by their dress or behaviour theyd keep an entire bench to themselves

he liked to rain on singular parades

as he walked up on the man weaving between passengers who preferred to stand he tried to make eye contact

the mans eyes started up briefly then fell

the man blinked

to blink to be submissive not that it mattered to him 

                                                        he sat

Excuse me. I’m sitting here.

Yes  An Im sitting beside you

I’M SITTING HERE. asif talking louder would removeexcise him

You are . . an youre welcome to half the bench  No more Keep to your half its a public bus

Move.  I’M sitting here.

You are  an now Im sitting beside you 

You should move.

he took a paperback from his jacket pocket ignoring his comment I like to read on the bus Its soothing

You better move.

                  he still hadnt looked at him he reclinedleaned against the window at his right refusing to move his legs sitting on his hip bent knees his shoeshis soles nearly on his hip

Me I like to read undisturbed But I dont worry about my clothes get messed upwhich apparently appeals to you as well But I do careone might say I care  enthusiastically I have unbridled enthusiasm . a happy assessment . . a passion . for my enthusiasm

You enthusiastic

Are you enthusiastic

the man titled his headsmirked casually still he hadnt made eye contact ignored him said nothing to his enthusiasm query

he didnt know anyone who liked to be ignored  so he bellied up to the bar sitting down heartily beside his ignorant slovenly buddy  enthusiasm sat happily on the stool next to him  he always saved a stool at the bar for his enthusiasm

he sighed he acted disheartenedhe acted asif he was standing to leave Slovenly might think to leave he stood just enough for leverage then lunged-clasped the man by the back of his knee nearest the seatback and yanked him bodily so that his face smeared down the bus window giving it a big wet kiss

                                                                   he may have been too enthusiastic the torque spun Slovenlyspun him so that his French kiss came off the glass and ended with him on his knees in the aisle his forehead on the seatback

he hunched over him and said in a fierce whisper Thank you kindly Hospitable of you to share the bench

he said something in reply but it was lost in the vinyl seatback 

Slovenly made quite the picture likely hed hang it in his minds eye a bit for a while he needed distraction in the worst way Slovenly briefly usurped the image he was trying to shake

                                                                    the image of his daughter ill inclined in a hospital bed in her sunroom behind her were the spines of her collected books on a walled built-in bookcase

she had been sleepingwhen she could upright for better than six months

she was burned into his eyes

Slovenly pushed himself up off his knees off the bench and stood

                                                                     You motherfucker! he stood over him threateningly

he raised his eyes to Slovenlys  he didnt care for what he saw

YOU . . then Slovenly stoppedcut himself short maybe he didnt like what he saw either -- his crippling – reflecting in the pools of what were surely deep black eyes

he pushed past him roughly and sprawled in a bench several seats ahead

he recognised he provoked him

he also recognised had violence been incurred win or lose  it would not soothe his anger or his sorrow

he recognised the hole in himself

a hole never to be filled

he had other holes

you live you do

he just had no idea it would be as deep as it is

                                                   the deepest blackest hole in his life

1910,  Saturday,  1  2. 20

1202,  Monday,  20  7. 20

he was a wrioter now  

when he was younger conceived of himself as a writer he didnt pay attention to what people thought of himwhat they thought wasnt worth a horses ass

all bets were off when he became a wrioter

                                              then he could care lessgive a fuck it was unmitigated elation  balls out fantasy truth and corruption

                               an it was about time corruption enjoyed a bright positive light bent or twist

                                                                                                              because prior he had sought to hurt corruption by any means at his disposal unfortunately to date that meant physical punishments an his fisthis broken fingers and knuckles were beginning to protest

hed always been slow on the uptake Yew got a hard head his Maw would say he was getting it

                                                                                                       overuse a muscle or any physical article an it comes back on ya an sometimes more grim than yahad employed it

he was a convalescing wrioter he hadnt been that before

he wondered what it would be like

what his mind would make of it

                                     not that hed mind

1731,  Sunday,  18 7. 20

1022,  Monday,  20  7. 20

$143K -- killed

Sunday the president said regarding whether he would accept the results of the 2020 Election “I have to see. Look, you — I have to see. No, I’m not going to just say ‘yes.’ I’m not going to say no and I didn’t last time either.” https://time.com/5868739/trump-election-results-chris-wallace/

                                                                               if he loses he has a binary choice  he can either walk out like a man or hell be carried out probably calling – famously – for Mommy! Mommy!

1644,  Monday,  20  7. 20

theres usually a prick or cunt in every family
                                                hed allow he was difficult his ethics were hard but to align him as a prickGo ahead dare ya if siblings or extended family dared to open their mouths hed close it for them . . these screwballs didnt conceive of banding together and attacking en masse  an yet they think hes a prick  FuckChrist whadey sniffin

it was queer to be born into a family and raised on par yet swing so wide of his parents and siblings
                                                                                                          asif their shared upbringing provided no alignment of ideation or critical values he could have called them morals but he didnt want to think his family was immoral  between them 

it astonished him that of nine children only he the eldest and his secondborn sister – they were five years apart -- shared like-values which they recognised early and became keenly intimate
he may have rubbed off on her

he didnt create a monster on purpose

though monsters need playmates

all told – they were extremely different from the rest of the family – and for that difference they were shunned which didnt affect him because as a boy he knew he didnt want to live in-state and that which beckoned him continues to beckon he was restless what he called homehis boyhood family house was bulldozed long ago
                                                                                                     but his sister remained in-state and the bestial shunning eventually broke herbroke her health 

she refused to submit to their orthodoxy she tried to change them her earnest desire to make better people of them was the slender thread of difference between them  

he said Theyre not worth your time and effort

she said They’re my family; I love them.

Family is a noun If you conflate or imbue it with unwarranted attributes youre being too kind and they will see your kindness as a weakness and beat you for it Theyre vampirestheyll bleed you

I can’t help myself, Joe. I . . I . can’t sever myself from our family.

Unfortunately I cant help you babe

It’s different because you’re awa . . 
. . Away  There is no differencethe only difference is that away I cant physically hurt them  I would Theyd understand that

his family was pricked and cunted like the nearly-invisible spines on nettle

  

1624,  Saturday,  18  7. 20

1042,  Sunday,  19  7. 20