9.7.19



Dont make me think  think come up with reasons  not now  Dont shove it down my gullet  I was wrong I told you immediately I apologised  Im not happy with my decision  my action 

I put a marker between the pages our pages  so I could come right back to where we werewhere  we are  

Admittedly where we are is not a comfortable place to be

I told you I was unhappynot with you  with our situation   

Ive been patient


My patience placed the bookmarker

I needed the affection  The touch  The trembling between kisses my breath catching in my throat  Gutteral animal sounds  Their gurgle  The explosion   

I needed to slake my thirstfeed my starving belly  I needed to be happyneeded  fulfillment   Even if only a stopgapyou know me  You know me to know the difference between want and need 

I submitted to my need  Not to wanting


Ive hurt you

I apologise  desperately 

If you could see my face youd see my desperation  I see it in the bathroom mirror

Accusing me



Pitying me


Unfortunately we dont see each other

Arcane Seeing is believing  

Im beginning to believe  when we talk  Im making you up Im talking to myself


Im talking to myself



Am I talking to myself now

1500,  Thursday,  4  7. 19
1313,  Twosday,  9  7. 19



he preferred thorough to anal he had no knocks against anal he just never saw himself as an anal person  begrudging curmudgeonly

he  was  deftly  thorough
                             talk to his lovers

they werent shythey would say how thorough he was if asked probably why they fell in bed together

he never left a stone unturned

otherwise why make lovehave sex if not to be turned inside out quivering   raw

inhaling

exhaling

your nose in it



You like sushi raw oysters
 
    if No
           then Seeya later! gotta draw a lineset parameters or youll waste your time

1251,  Sunday,  7  7. 19
1308, Monday,  8  7. 19
Nadine Shah  Nothing Else to Do  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtTNowLOhLA

8.7.19


he came left around a street corner and lifted his head from the book he was reading to glance ahead at the concrete walk for belligerent cracks steelposted signs lowhanging tree limbs the upcoming terrain hed entertain while his head down

some people thought if he went blind hed be in his element

Assholes

I wouldnt be able to read the words Would I


he found himself not twenty metres behind two teenage girls 

he hadnt seen them cross in front of him

too engrossed with Thin Air

he withheld his usual summary glance

he watched

So whas the hell with pigtails that made his ardor rise he asked himself because that would be the deviantwouldnt itthat thing inside him that provoked him and he had to wrestle withcouldnt allow free rein animus?  the handful for his anima to diminish  and if not  at least temporarily throttle

to be honest he was terribly prone to allowing his animus its way although draumatically inclined when he interacted with other men against them  some men are misogynists he was a misandrist toss religion in the mix he was a misandChrist he despised religiondespised patriarchy  they werent separated by a hairs breadth


he watched
             he dug the ones pigtails  what wasnt there to enjoy about youth  squandered while hewe had it  the human condition

probably genetically predisposed

conditioned

it couldnt be from a base desire to dip the ends of her pigails in the inkpot at school  despite the grade school desks he used through junior high had wells to set a jar of ink insidetheir surfaces spattered and inkfreckled 
                                                                                                         his animus encouraged him to think the Pollockstyle spatter was from the girls quibblingyanking their pigtails free from violating hands rather than unsteady or sloppy hands withdrawing their pen nibs filled to brimming


pigtails or high ponytails
                            even without the Catholic schoolgirl garb which Asiatic girls (and playful women) were still submitting to when Catholicism should never have been allowed to take hold – its missionaries – as in America – the indigenous people should have slaughtered those pious white men and whiteskinned fortune seekers either when their feet touched the shore or when they were found inland

Why hadnt they

these intruders were compelled  Pope Alexanders bull  1493  Inter Caetera  conferred on them the Right to colonise convert and enslave the Native people

however ofcourse that was his anima interrupting him trying to be heady pulling him back from his more coarse nature his animus

although  simply it occurred to him as he dropped his eyes back into his book that pigtails and high ponytails would alwayseternally be young
                           and he wasnt
he also wasnt stupid
which helped

still  he was happytickled he saw the girls pigtails and that his mind flipped back joyously to a time when he could have played with her and not be impugned

1600ish,  Sunday,  7  7. 19
1138, Monday,  8  7. 19




Your life passes as if in a dream . . . 
                                      and while he didnt know who said it or if it had been attributed to anyone . . its simple eloquence waxes  its meaning undeniably understood

and when he hears it or reads it he cant help but wonder about those whose lives are or were nightmarish what would describe how their time passed because those are voices we prefer not to hear we looked awaywe deny we ever heard their cries

also  undeniably understood


regrettable
            but undeniable


a fetish  of sublime ignorance
                                but he couldnt deny them their voices  and certainly not on the petty ordersthe distain of someone and someone else and someone else 

those who are down the chain couldnt be blamedcould they for gagging those pleading voices staunching them  quieting them  what . . killing them
                                       because some people wont be shutup they refuse


those whose lives pass as if in a dream are likely the same people who die in their beds

he had a problem with that
                            he had a problem with those who might ask him or proclaimednot say proclaimed  their bucket list

a bucket list 
              really  made him flinch


he was grateful he could afford a roof over his head and eat he was grateful he and his wife raised daughters who were intelligent and took to reading learning like fish to water  their education was their jobs when they were young so later they would make something of themselves  and did

a bucket list is a declaration of entitlement 

maybe when everyone could have a bucket list he might answer their question 

in the meantime  blatantly NO


every day he was alive an healthy an imaginative was a single drip that made up his headwaters an creek an stream an river  made up that inebriated lightscribbled continuum that lapped the sides an tickled other peoples buckets


2253,  Sunday,  23  6. 19
0949,  Monday,  8  7. 19
Ghostpoet  Off Peak Dream  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZiWvczb_hhg

7.7.19

BaBy yEr mY FaNtASY



the FaNtASY is over

his tribe took it downthree bodacious kittends kittens ended plenty of things he hadnt imagined he exerts patience patience patience theyd grow out of their insanityinexperience but he had to appreciate it while it was flushedfullblooded in the heat of the momenttheir youth  or why have them


on his refrigerator he placed a coloured magnetic alphabet so his granddaughters could enjoy when they came to visit
which unfortunately wasnt often
                                  which compelled him to play with it

he wrote notes to his girlfriend
she responded when she came to the house to care for their tribe
their tribe

he wouldnt haveshe wouldnt have if she hadnt brought october into their lives

more pointedly  into his life

he took october in

without any idea that she would want outan she did
                                                       slipped him one nighthurtling through the open door behind him as he entered with bags of canned fud dry fud for her and indie 

indie wasnt going anywhere

being neutered does that to a cat or a human being he might assume




the fantasy is over


he wrote on the refrigerator to her BaBy  and descending off the y  E-r  m-Y  and to the left of the Y  F-a-N-t-A-S

the tribe  having become adept leapers  recognised curiosity killed the cat the magnetic coloured letters on the face of refrigerator and had to take them downscatter them across the linoleum floor  play

unfortunately their discombobulation coincided with a growing distance between BaBy and him

he gave her as much rope as she wanted 
                                            and did so despite the possibility of her hanging herself with it

because she seemed yet  not to grasp who she was


but maybe women didnt know their status under continual attacks and redefinition advertisements craftedattacking them that they didnt haveshe didnt have the luxury luxury  luxury  a white mans luxury to put their foot down as he did as a boyadamantly  identifying himself  and not budging off his identity since

a round peg wedged tightlymaddeningly  in a square hole
                                                             defiantly crying I dont give a fuck  he had scars to prove his defiance


maybe women didnt prefer scars

they arent considered attractive

so they tried to avoid them

and failing they triedthey tried to hide them BULLSHIT  Let your freak flag fly!




BaBy yEr mY FaNtASY 
                              above it on the freezer door higher than the tribe could leap  she wrote I LOVe joe 

1107,  Sunday,  7  7. 19
Kembe X  Gino’s Disquisition  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wV0j9LXrd0g  you got to be your own woman”

American women



babyboys! he hoped they could wrap their skulls around this natural premise . . .

1036, Sunday,  7  7. 19
Guess Who  American Woman  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sk3y3QxvuGg   “You know Im gonna lose . . ”

6.7.19



rent-a-cop   police   military

need a jobwant a job

they got one for you

dress you up 

do this do thatdont think thats why were here 

We   They 

corporate   government   military

obedience

obey        they set the stage paint the scenery place the props anif it doesnt look just right   too bad  it is
     ohboy 

they paint No  No  No in thick black paint No Trespassing
                                                                    Dont worry your pretty little head.

they wont teach or tell you Know  Know  Know  unless its to their benefit  

Dont worry your pretty little head.

they paint things Blue camo-green desert-brown

fuck something up
                     Dont worry your pretty little head.  

they got your back 

you cant possibly do anything wrong  

theyre with you 
                 in lock step goose step 


its about security
                   they tell youYou got shit. You wanna keep your shit?  Others want it.

theyll keep the other at bay

they dont say that they wont be happy not really until everything and everyone are locked down no one dares challenge them
       anif youre thinkin of daring  do yourself a favor  read a little Black American History  Emancipation Reconstruction  the white Souths legalised recriminations  Ku Klux Klan  Jim Crow 

they know how to keep a brother a sister down  down an out


                                                                             Go ahead they dare
theyll treat you like a podumb nigger

dare


moneys on them

odds are theirs

you should really want to be or belong 
                                              be on their side




they ran into each other in front of a drugstore 

the store alarm was shrieking

he shifted the clothbag hanging from his shoulder forward

rent-a-cop went to his taser fingered the clasp securing it  sprung the strap 

hed say he was fearful 

Thats mantra Huh?

Nevermind

Fearful. That’s all you need to remember.

We’ll sort it out afterwards.

YAH Dont worry your pretty little fuckin head he said I wouldnt do that if I were you

deploying the taser Stand where you are!

We dancing

Don’t talk to me. Stand fast.

Why would I do that

Because I told you . . 
. . An you think you because you stumbled onto me that Im buying into whatever it is you think you have on me  without cause

I told you to stand fast. he leveled the taser at him

Best deescalate 
               he held his hands up palms open Easynow 

the creep lit him up

Fuck never escaped his jaws barred by his gritted teeth the back of his head grated raw on the concrete an gravel in the parking lot

tingling  spastic  
                 but on the dark field before his eyes he was able to align the words he thought  the words fell awkwardly in gobs an chunks like childrens playblocks  IF  HE  THINKS  THIS  ENDS  HERE  HES  NUTS  GOT  HIM  ON  MY  DANCE  CARD


1547,  Monday,  17  6. 19
1234, Saturday,  6  7. 19
Kembe X  Gino’s Disquisition  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wV0j9LXrd0g


something came out of his nose that didnt look like himhe never saw before  he didnt think it was his

frankly it didnt look like anything hed produce  fuckin alien


he felt it tuurn in his sinuses it woke him he thought maybe he was asleepstill dreaming but the rising suns light bleached his windows shone on the wall at the foot of his bed

he didnt like partitions not drapes or curtain between inside and out fortunately his house stood on top of a hill other homes were beneath his elevation

something definitely turned inside his head  
                                              and when he stirred it ceased moving  a game of cat and mouse

he blew his nose throughout the day although not necessarily to evict the curled thing in his sinuses but rather because of a weepy left nostril he suffered  a physician took it upon himself to fix his deviated septum he didnt ask him to 

his consistent continual blowing may have broken the camels back he could feel the mass descendingworking its way out

then it stopped
               he had a sensation of it becoming ariddrying out it crawled and crumbled to a stop it was riight there  Damn Move Finish this up

a nostril is elastic he thought he might be able to dislodge it with his thumb blunt object at blunt objectPRESTO! dislodged it fell onto his desk

gingerly he pushed it with his indexfinger Wha are you wha the fuck are you  You certainly arent me timidly he pushed poked the dried crud with his finger to his horror it shivered shivered like an unearthed earthwormtwisting on itself writhing then emitting dust spores then like a pill bug it unfurled got up on fine insect legs and began crawling

he stood up out of his chairswept it off his desk onto the wood floor he stepped on itcrushed it underfoot 


his mind caught up with him a moment later What did you do?
What did you do?


I . . I suppose I panicked  I crushed it

Where?

Im standing on it  Under my foot


You’re just going to stand there?

I am I will until my Comfort returns Mebbe you might wanna go looking for ityou cant miss it Im guessing itll keep its bugged eyes for a bit

Comfort’s a funny thing.

Youre telling me Whatever you do dont force it coerce it Talk it down  Talk it down be considerate

Considerate?

As you were considerate?

I was panicked Youre not You were late And youre seeking Comfort Comfort isnt terrifying or invasive


You mean to stand here until I return?

Yabetcha If stomping it didnt kill it Ill suffocate it

I’d like to see.

When you get back with Comfort I aint going anywhere Comfort aint so quick or has endurance It utilised its Flight speed leaving me to Fight

You’re not going anywhere?

Ill be right here 

You know me better than that

Thought I did. However haven’t known you to pan . .
. . It  was  panic  worthy

Okay, okay. I’ll be back.

Comfort hasnt gone too far Look for a bush moving by itself  Likely hes hiding behind it

Not up in a tree?

Thatd be me Comfort never followed me up trees  Afraid of heights perhaps


I’ll be back.

Im waiitiing


his mind sauntered off  and as it went his thoughts returned to what was under his foot Whawas that   
                                                                                                            a primal aspect inside him moaned Mmaybbe iit wwas aa viiruus loookiing foor aah hoome

It had something there 

but he knew his body to be a cesspool  inhospitable   

like Afghanistan  he was a place for empires or viruses to go to die


1404,  Saturday,  22  6. 19
1337,  Twosday,  2  7. 19

5.7.19


either lead or followthats the choice

either lead dog or your nose at the his or her asssniffsniff                                                                                
whacha like 
                fresh air or scented                                                                                                                          

he  preferred  fresh he preferredalways has  that raw breaththat breath of fresh air turned by the atmosphere winds

couldnt make him work in a hole  a mine

he conceded working in a building where air was recirculated airconditioned  fucked with 
                                                                                               but his constitution kept him rolling on more than not when coworkers went overwent down with communicable illnesses  on the tendrilstenacles of cooled and warmed air

corporate wasnt big on keeping their airfilters updated saved money so he had to be the bitch Sorry grrls if he coopted say otherwise he was the prick swung in their face Their  in his caseusually most cases white males When I get confirmationevidence theyve been changed out Ill be back to work he never took their word for anything 


either lead or follow 
                      he was proof you could lead from behind coerce with logic and truth 


his last superior lost his shit when he went over their head refused to go through him just included him on his problem-solving  his solution

he cc’d him kept him in the loop

his manager genuinely lost his shit screamingYes  at him in the call center among his coworkers   

he stood up crossed past him  You got something to say to me you can say it in the your office 

he left him yelling at his back in the call center

when he broke in through his closed office door Who the fuck do you think you are walking away from me?

Who do you think you are You got something to say to mepersonally  you say it to me in private You arent grandstanding  not on my time

he growledblew spittle  I've been through your personnel file and I don't know how you've kept your job.

I kept my job because I did my job Management cant refute my ethic or veracity  Besides that shitty line Its business it aint personal doesnt fly with me  I take everything personal  I wore it on my sleeve 

I made coming into this gig a matter of equality The company expected me to reflect it In return I demanded it also reflect me Tit for tat I held that mindset like herpes

They always blanched when I asked at company meetings Whos the asshole who came up with that idea

They never said

Their programmes werent well received

Though assholism never is

Cant bumped a guy for being truebeing accurate  Sucks But whas right is right

Besides  you come rolling in from lunchsmelling like booze Who do you think you are chastising me Know where youve been Your reputation precedes you Dont think yawanna dance with me  Dont think so

I  will hang you out to dry



either lead or follow


1654,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  3  7. 19 
1404,  Thursday, Fourth of July! 2019