19.12.18




he had the inestimable fortune of being able to manipulate his dreams
                                                                         Lucid dreaming! people usually pronounced before he finished his sentence  

Perhaps hed say usually to humour them But its only dreaming to me  

For as long as I can remember Ive dreamt like thisIm aware Im dreaming so whether the dream is good or bad nightmarish its only a dream I can manipulate it but Ive found I rather enjoyanticipate its unexpectedness 

I like surprises
                 he was surprisedever so surprised when he made love to Marilyn Monroe his hands beside her shoulders thrusting holding himself up so he could look at her beauty under him his sweat spattering her face and throat and breasts her hands clutching at his arms shoulders hips he suddenlypaused Can we do this Marilyn youre dead Yes. It doesn’t matter. Does it bother you?  No  Then it doesn’t matter. they returned to making lovegot themselves twisted up in some pretty fantastic postures their bodies pliable flexible  like rubber 


I dont like affixing an adjective to describe dreaming he said  Why label it



his dreams came to him whether he ritualised themset them into motion before going to sleep or let them fall onto himstumble on them
                      he was never disappointed


it was an old Midwest neighbourhood treelined green lawns shrubs street names like Garden Prairie Greenwood Cumberland Elm at the southwest corner of Garden and Chester if it rained very hard the sewer could never keep up with the water and the corner floodedthe water hid the curb ran up into the grass of the easement overran the sidewalk it flooded the streets
                      a standing summer rain was quickly warmed by the sun the water turned green like tea from the chlorophyll in the downed leaves either floating or submerged cars threw up sheets of water like water thrown from the bow of speedboats and it was wonderful to lie in the curb rocked by the tumult then cradled sensuously in the soft wake thereafter

he could never resist it 

he paused only long enough to untie his shoes slip them off tie his shoelaces together and hang them in a tree or slung in a tall bush  then he was all in clothed an escaped convict a scout a lifesaver  a happy boy

sometimes the flooding stayed into the next day 

the water receded a bit yet was still deep enough to submerge his bodyhold his head up shoulders up on his elbows he ignored the punishment the day earlier because his clothes were sopped What  Its only water he had to strip in the backyard and a brother or a sister were made to fetch him a towel to dry then wrap himself in  some kind of hang up on nudity We all have bodies


through the ensuing years he was a happy teenager a happy young man he refused to break himself of the deliciousness of his boyhoodrefused to kowtow to the contemptible cranks who didnt dare say it out loudhed drag them into the flooded street but whose pinched expressions said You ought to know better

one day he may have been twentycertainly no more that twentyone laying clothed on his back in the flooded curb an easterly wind picked up and from out behind a neighbours house a big bright ball of cranberry jazz yarn bound unwinding its freed tether tumbled and snaked across the green grass pushed ever closer to the streetcloser to the tepid green water then oddly still unravelling its momentum broke as if the wool stopped itself then its loosened strand built on itself and whirled and tangled and rose and swayed to the breeze and formed into the naked figure of a woman a woman moving like a flame at the quivering edge of the floodwater

he stood up
             as he walked towards her she seemed to want to flee  she turned her head her shoulders tiltedfollowed  her hips trembled to follow but her feet  her feet werent fearful so her form relaxed and turned back towards him

the yarn movedturned in itself but still her figure remained her features remained 

gently he held out his hand a gesture he made to animalswild animals offering his scent offering his hand and fingers that bore scars of scratches and bites he wasnt afraid to offer it as a living olive branch

the naked turning red jazz yarn womans figure took his hand in hers her face waxing and waning unsure 

he stepped closer and extended his other hand 

she took it also

then her right hand released his left and she gently took his shoulder 

he took hers

she released his other hand took his shoulder

he took hers

then unafraid  she embraced him

he embraced herthe tumult in her tall strandthe electricity  easing

she gently kissed him


the sunlight falling on them glittered in the shared dew of their embrace
  

2230,  Thursday,  6  12. 18
1415,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  19  12. 18

18.12.18



FOXs not News  FOXs Jeanine Shapiro
                                          how is she able to speaktalk around that big cock in stuffed in her mouth?

check out beginning at the 7:50 minute-mark of this YOUTUBE clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5YIKMxNxeY

sppose somebody might have slipped her a Mick Flynn . . er Finn  my bad

1920,  Twosday,  18  12.  18



12:54 not 12:24 he was doing that a lot of late flipping numbers around or upside down 

he might have been distressed if he hadnt long ago given up on believing what his eyes told him
                                                                                                     Thats not a photograph photo-illustrations are not photographstheyre manipulations Call them what they are unreal not be seen in the living-breathing worldthe real world blandly the editor told him it was a photograph first he called him a liar then a cunt then he reaffirmed his name and telephone number saying hed be happy to tell him to his face if he wanted to name the place  then he hung up      

these days he trusted his earshis sense of hearing trusted the inflection of voicestheir timbre enunciation their professed sincerity implied innocence   

since more and more people were playing games these days their inherent aplomb overt assuredness revealed more than they meantmore often revealing their ploy they wouldnt call it lying a ploy is a lie it isnt straight forth if someone couldnt be honest with him he had no room in his life for them Go try an convince someone else Im not swallowing it

no he wasnt perfect

he wasnt beyond this kind of prejudice

anif he bid adieu to someone who was being honest  well then he made a mistake  but he wasnt going to worry it it was water over a fall a second chance would be dishonest no matter how honest the mistake 

he admitted times were different however admitting it wasnt to suggest he was happy with current circumstances or the argument That was then this is now You better come aroundwalk in the light of reality

Yahright  Ill cum  You can blow me who didnt like a blowjobsdidnt like head he loved giving women headrisking a broken nose his was broken three times




sometimes late in the evening hed get up from watching a film or writing to take a leak 

he didnt bother with the light

he honed in like a bat played off his familiarity with the bathroom figured his toilet hadnt gotten up on its own two hindlegs and hid giggling in a corner or that someone had stealthilysurreptitiously entered his housekilled the waterunbolted and stolen away with the bowl and tank

he was confidence it stood fast  yawning

there was no reason the toilet didnt yawn

it was his househe didnt have to make allowances for womenwhich wasnt to say he wouldnt if necessary  he wasnt a caveman although the thought was appealing

he couldnt see it

rare blind faith

he pissed
             gargle gargle gargle  a few shakes   he was relieved relieved by the honesty of inanimate objects
things he could depend on


0029,  Saturday,  13  10. 18
1402,  Ywosday,  18  12. 18

17.12.18




the car hurtled on the 280 approaching Palo Alto

he didnt want to be in it 

somehow his keys were misplaced You must have set them down elsewhere.

I never set them anywhere else  Always in the bamboo bowl in the entrance

We’ll have to use mine. We need to get going.

Ill drive

No.

I’ll drive.

They’re my keys.


I dont think its wise you drive

I don’t care what you think. We need to go, now. they were meeting their daughter at Stanford for an appointment that she really wanted them to be there for I said now.


it was for their daughter hed risk anything for his daughter



the appointment went well the doctor commenced it saying it was wise they ran the battery of preliminary tests they did the findings she noted would be a blueprintwere keen to what the odds were of how things may or may not be realised

at its conclusion she said that since there was nothing conspicuoustheir daughter hadnt complained of any symptoms she would see her in another six months however if appearing symptomatic to please contact her office she would be available

their daughter was an Animal Science major at Davis science was her undergirding she would be vigilant it was also theirs they were Biology majors although neither had found their way to a degree 

they wanted to take her to lunch after the appointment but she apologised she had to leave promptly to make an afternoon class

they walked her to her car  they embraced her she was so thankful they made the three hour drive to be there with her she brushed tears out of her eyes You’ll never know how important it was you were here. Thank you so very much.

they stepped aside wiping tears from the corner of their eyes as she backed out of the parking space

I LOVE YOU! she cried through her open window her arm immediately up and waving to them

they cried I LOVE YOU!! and then stood in the aisle waving to hershe waving back until she disappeared around a massive pylon that supported a circular ramp that wound down to the street

She could have had lunch with us his wife said disgruntled

She has class

We came all this way for nothing.

We came all this way because she asked if we would For the appointment  You said we would For the appointment Please dont make more out of it 

Now I have to drive home.

I could drive if you rather so you can rest an . .
. . They aren’t your keys, are they?

No

You misplaced your keys.

I didnt

You should admit when you’re wrong.

When Im wrong I admit it I didnt misplace my keys

So I took them?

Its only you and I at home Maybe a ghost lifted them

You’re a prick.

he wasnt going to have this fight

he shut up


There you go; nothing to say?

. . .


I’m driving. And that’s it.




an advantage of not driving and particularly along the 280 south was to be able to appreciate the wide openness of the highway beyond it to either side the redwoods the verdant stretches he hoped the appointment would be in San Francisco he really enjoyed the long silver shimmer of the Crystal Springs Reservoir however heading south there was a massive ornate temple on the west side of the highway that stoked his architectural imagination and harped at his construction expertise 

exiting onto the 85 East his wife said still an edge in her voice Are you going to ride mute all the way home?

No I wasnt going to have an argument in a public parking structure


You misplaced your keys. Why would I move them?

Why You might so you could drivebe in the drivers seat Be in control

That’s not true.


If youre not in control you become upset I prefer you not drive because of the prescriptions youre taking . .
. . Always my prescriptions. You think my doctor doesn't know what he’s doing . .
. . What hes been doing for three years A regime that by all accounts in books Ive read insist drugs be introduced for a brief time then the patient is taken off them to facilitate the determined psychiatric work

He knows . .
. . He doesnt  He's shaking the insurance company down All he does is change up your drugsMygawd change them outHow many different drugs are you taking every day I dont know any longer Youre secretive

He's trying to save my life.

Your life In construction when a subcontractoryoure the contractor when the subcontractor isnt doing the work you pay him to do you replace him A psychiatrist is no different He hasnt interviewed either me or the kids . .
. . I can speak for you, the three of you . .
. . NO  You cant  How dare you

How dare I?

YOU can only speak for youyou ought to know that Your bright psychiatrist should know that Three years!

they were moving fast through San Jose proper well ahead of the three oclock rush passing under cross street bridges between concrete abutments


I can speak for you and the girls.

You cannot

I can.

Youre being dishonest if you think you know our minds

Dishonest?

Yes I wouldnt dare speak for you or the girlstheyre young adults

Because you don’t know . .
. . You dont either If you think you do youre fooling yourselfyoure being a fabulist                    

A liar?

You have no idea whats turning in my head

You want to know what’s turning in mind?

Not necessailynot right now  Id rather you pay attention to the road


I’m thinking . . do you want to die?  
You wanna die right now?


she wasnt bluffing

she wanted to die

he didnt dare challenge her hand

he bit his lip

his lip bled

I can make that happen. I could take us into any of these walls. 

I might even survive.

You wouldn’t. Everyone knows you don’t wear a seatbelt.

So.

Do you want to die?


I dont

Do you want to kill me


he rolled his window down and set his arm on its edge he could hear the air rushhear the tires spinning feel the air whip past the car tug at his arm
                                   he relaxed

when something is out of your control theres not a damn thing you can do about it


the ball was in her court


2348,  Sunday,  2 12. 18
1407,  Monday,  17  12. 18

16.12.18




Bugs
        a deformed kitten of a brotherCondor and his sisterTruscan two jet black cats he paid a five-spot apiece for to a kid who said his folks told him to get rid of em or they would

Lemme guess he said because theyre black

the kid sniffed Yah. Because they’re black. Sell ‘em, give ‘em away, but they’re not welcome in the house or around it.

Tough luck kid

Thanks mister. When I get older his feathers ruffling get out of that hole, the first thing I’m gonna do is get me a black cat

his venom subsiding You’ll take good care of em, right, mister?

Yabetcha  Yaknow kid for all intent and purposes Im probably you years from now As kids we werent allowed pets  When I blew home I always wanted a pair of black cats  An now you made that dream come true although Im sure thats small comfort from a stranger

You won’t hurt ‘em?

I wont hurt em

You swear to . .
. . Dont go there My words good  

Thanks mister.

Youre welcome kid

he watched the kid traipse off  crestfallen  head downshoulders collapsedspine bent  he was tempted to follow him home and confront his parents but he knew where thatd gohow thatd go

it was always tough for him to walk away from bullshit some people needed to be enlightened but it wasnt up to him to be responsible for every clown crossing his path directly or inadvertently  

he was confidenthed lay money on it the kid would keep his word
                                                                       it was worth gold to the kid


he walked back to his place with the kittens in a cardboard box scattered with torn newspaper

he thought at least the kids folks let the kittens stay until they were weaned 

theyd probably have been a tough sell to anyone other than him but as a kid he weaned orphaned baby birds and rabbits a knack it seemed  he happened to often be in the right place at the right time



ahBugs that little knucklehead

died twice

he seemed stillborn he could yet hear his girlfriend burst into yearsthen her What are you doing?!
                                                                                                      when youre giving mouth to mouth resuscitation its not rude not to answer self evident

Bugs despite him sucking fluid out of his nose and mouth spitting blew something like snot bubbles he held his head in handbody straddling his forearmupside downrapped him between the shoulders with a couple of finger as if trying to dislodge something caught in his throat 
                                he didnt know  he was making shit up on the fly

silence


         then more bubbles though smaller

a sputter  then a coughgaspchoke a spasm a shudder   a wee breath
                                                                             then a weak cry
a weak mew

the whole while he thought What a bizarre road into life

his girlfriend cried Ohmygod, thank you, thank you! That was insane!

he thought then the outcome was better than the kitten dying

he laid Bugs beside Truscan beside his three sibling

his girlfriend stood beside himher arm tightly around him  That was a miracle she said

he laughed under his breath Baby that was dumb luck


that evening he found Bugs sprawled on the linoleum at the front door he knew the kitten didnt make it there on his own 

he picked him up Bugs was like a rag doll he was careful with himhis oversized headkeenly aware of his bulging eyes hence how his name was determined  he carried Bugs back into the kitchen to the corner beneath the small table near the stove where Truscan decided to nest  

he laid him among his siblings again



in the morning he found Bugs at the front door again

Truscan was having no part of him

Fuck Truscan he told his girlfriend  Game On




he had no idea why he was thinking of Bugs this cold morningcold enough that he could see his breath in the air

he had just awakened and was steeling him to get out of bedto be enveloped by the air entering through the open window 

he slept naked

he hadnt worn pajamas since he was fourteentoo restrictive 

birthdays Christmases Better get your money back hed tell his parents Im not wearing em  In our house! they began WE WEAR PAJAMAS  Really So tell me how you both fit into a pair  I aint wearin em

this was among many of the inane fights he somehow provoked  hed have thought by then they would have gotten their heads around his burgeoning autonomy

Whassup Bugs  Why are you in my eyes and head this morning


he didnt have any pictures of Bugs he used his memorycould still see himstill feel his frail body up against his when he picked him up off the floor when Bugs staggered around the apartment they rented above a garage

they couldnt afford to heat it

those were the daysthe days that made him prone to not running heat until the cold jeopardized the water pipes  


he didnt like having his picture taken

he didnt like photographs

he didnt own a camera
                         his thinking ran  unremittingly  to unrecorded unknown people who were never photographed they existed he wouldnt have existed or would have any of the people who moved unfamiliarly around him or those he interacted with their ancestors had lived in precious anonymity  they didnt need to prove themselvestheir lives because they lived in their progeny which descended from them as they had descended 
                                                                              if they were unknown now it was only because their stories werent shared or couldnt have been shared for a myriad of legitimate reasons 

he often thought of the vanquishedthe murdered  over millenniums  creeping back to the arboreal creatures who descended from the trees and began walking bipedal on the African savannah

unpictured


unrecorded
             nevertheless real ghosts who pulsed through his veins oozed in the coils of his brain snoozed in his primal reptilian brain bank
                      conserved for the next generation



Bugs was fixed in his brain 

Truscan his siblings  shunned him 

poor baby suffered seizures
                              because he saved Bugsthe only black cat of the litter  he assumed responsibility for him  he maintained Bugs in what proved to be an eroding unforgiving existence  


he helped – he truly believed that – he helped Bugs  

he carried himhiked up to a field on a Montanan bench overlooking the Bitterroot River overlooking Trappers Peak 

he set Bugs down hoping that he might teeter and wobble around on the mowed hayfield

Bugs didnt 

he squatted on his four legs 

he didnt make a sound

Aw Bugs baby youre breaking my heart

                                                    carefully he shot him in the head with a .22


1211,  Reggae Friday,  14  12. 18
1310,  Sunday,  16  12. 18
The 5th Dimension  Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06X5HYynP5E