he was always struckmystified how remembrances simmered up through the murk and marl of his unconsciousness into his bright vivid wakefulness a long long unbroken strand of translucent turning bubbles blip by blip forward and backback and forward every bubble inciting or incited  illuminating

Bugs  he rememberedhe nodded  Bugs

what was he thinking when Bugs reared up in front of his eyesbefore the page of a book he was reading oogling him lopsided  lopsided distended eyes  regarding him from above his small disfigured body his fur coloured soft gray like a mouse  

he was an inbred brother Condor sister queen Truscan jetblack yelloweyed cats that made Halloween wet itself

Truscan refused to feed Bugs she kicked him away from among the litter as they mewled and slogged forward to nurse the other three kittens seemed healthy seemed viable

he kept trying to insinuate Bugs into the feeding

Truscan wasnt have it

the last time she caught Bugs with her hind paw and raked his face a long bleeding scratch from the tip of his nose to the crown between his ears 

Bugs wailed pitifully his hunger compounded by pain alienation too perhaps 

the animal world is not humane 

                                 the thought caused him to laugh sarcasticallychide Thats what humans are supposed to be for black humour what did he make of sociopaths psychopaths  hed levy his animalistic tendencies against them in a heartbeat

he put salve on Bugs wound then cupping him in his handcarrying him tucked up in his arm like a small football he went to Safeway You can't bring an animal in here a clerk said Youre welcome to stop me he replied as he sidestepped the high school oaf he went to the dairy section for a carton of goats milk  

returned home he fed Bugs warmed milk with an eyedropper  he placed him back with his siblings in Truscans refreshed bedding warning herhis face to hers I got the feedings you got the care Got it he hadnt any doubt they didnt understand each other he was her Big Bad Tom she was dicey with most people and they learned quickly to leave her her spaceher space even if she encroached on theirs forcing them out         

when Truscan groomed the kittens he used moistened cotton balls to stimulate Bugs urination and excretion he split the litter with herfelt it was a good compromise  Truscan eyed him pitifully wondered why he was wasting his time on this runt this abject defect

he wasnt ready to admit it or throw in the towel he was going to give Bugs the best shot he could


by the second month as he introduced wet food to the kittens he realised Bugs yet bugeyed remained feeble his motility was a spastic crawl a worming his spine was twisted  it seemed disconnected  loosetied thread spools

his heart began see as his brain saw 

                                       then Bugs began to refuse wet food

an ugly battle ensued  his heart and brain conspired against him

which left himwha
                  what to fight with spirit guts   nerve

then Bugs began to wane grew listless dull    his soft bearing becoming brittle

he borrowed an old bolt .22

he drove into the mountains above Lost Horse Canyon you can see forever from thereout of Montana over Idaho bright blue sky

he held Bugs up to his throat for the longest time  talking he couldnt say what he saidmemory recognises people and places  letters and postcards snares words and emotion

he set Bugs down on the pineneedle forest floor his shoulders and hips akimbo his head nodded down he nuzzled the earth

he cradled his head in his handhis fingers beyond the set of his jawthe soft of his ears

the .22 in the crook of his arm  its barrel a fraction of an inch from Bugs head

he glanced one last moment into the ether looking where Bugs looked

the shot shattered Bugs skull

its broken bits stung his fingers

the echo echoed  echoed echoedechoed

                                                                 

holding Bugs to his chest he wept

he brought Bugs home and buried him in a stone cairn on the earthwork at the head of the garden he positioned Bugs so he looked into it as he looked into it when he held him up at the house window he mewed and chattered defiantly at the birds that lighted he told Bugs he had the looks and making of a really good scarecrow

1400,  Sunday,  27  5. 18

1449,  Thursday,  31  5. 18

Neil Young  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYUgGs9IStY

Cece 

he dreamed of her  

she was always a step ahead of him 

just when he thinks hell behold herpray catch her in his arms she turns abruptly 

she eyes himis it misgiving is it temptation is it disdain  

she slips inside herselfbecomes a shadow salient then diffuse darkshimmering particles  then a whiff passing through a wall ahead of him  passing away 

Bill  he said leverage walls arent built with slats and plastered  

using his fists and feet he goes between their centered studs following her emerging on the other side behind her her dark whirling particles reformed on foot ahead of himSHOCKed by his pursuit 

he pulls up debris and dust shake off him like snow 

shes leadingshes leading him away leading him away from life  

realising it he doesnt balk he pulls back he pulls away

he did love her

he still loves her

he loved their life before the taxthe maelstrom of her depression and madness the thousand cruel cuts that whiled and whittled at her

at them

a handful of pills

wittingly

unwittingly

a handful of pills have led to these chasesthese frightful runs where he almost catches her to have her in his arms again

to ask her if she meant it or if it was an accident

he has his suspicion

she meant it

she liked when things went the way she planned them

1316,  Monday,  29  5. 18

1021,  Twosday,  29  5. 18

You’re fired Disney/ABC's Channing Dungey tells Roseanne Barr

                                                                     wha? thats Drumpfs fantasy punchline

https://www.msn.com/en-gb/video/other/roseanne-and-%E2%80%98normalized-racism%E2%80%99-in-the-age-of-trump/vp-AAxZNk4

http://www.dw.com/en/disneys-abc-network-cancels-roseanne-barr-show-after-racist-tweets/a-43986217

1452,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  30  5. 18

hed been watching a variety of political shows variety shows arent what they were and as he watched he was forlorn by their insistencetheir invocation of the I-wordthe I-word as if akin to the F-wordChrist he disliked the pussyfooting fucking despised it firmly he said to the screento the variety of commentators who extrapolatedwho dallied with the I-word Jesus man call it what it is The words fuck the words impeachment dont be coy or clever inexact Be forthrightbe firm Drumpf is nothing more than an attempt to undo destroy everything Obama dideverything Obama wrangled

It doesnt take imagination or intellect to destroy

a lean black man casts a chubby white shadow

a tack  vs. a blob

1037,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  30  5. 18

966 days remaining or fewer

the new gasoline sign  pricing UNLEADED PLUS PREMIUM before Circle K who thought thatd be a good name  maybe Circle the Wagons maybe  the new automatic lighted sign replaced a sign that was detailed with plastic numbered placards which had to be removed replaced with others by human hand  however given fluctuating gas pricesrising as quickly as they were  Circle K would need to hire a fulltime corrector

the blanched pastywhite field encircled by thin red and green trim made the multiple pinpointed lighted bulbs stand out  the numbers were nearly twelve inches tall the fixedmounted sign probably four feet by six feet threw its redlighted numbers boldly into the daylet alone the night  Sting came to mind The Police Roxanne if one was to run a whorehouse theyd do well to run a comparable sign BLOWJOBS MISSIONARY DOGGY-STYLE

automatons where would it stop such signage might even replace Little Caesars unabashed humanoids at the side of the road because-I-pay-you-to-make-an-ass-out-of-yourself the pizza sign spinners jugglers shouters Whew Ohgood He did write jugglers  not jugulars 

SHINY IMMEDIATE GRATIFYING

                                  as if the signs were texts the myriad assaultsmyriad apepperings of apps wanting your eye impatiently shoving their way into line for their shottheir turn  bingbingbinging smartphones that frankly ought to be lashed to wrists as prevalent as they are in handtoo hot to put down for the next and the next and the next informant URGENT! URGENT! URGENT! I WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YOU IF YOU MISSED THIS IMPORTANT MESSAGE. 

was every little thing important now  needed your immediate attention  WHAT DO YOU THINK? TELL US WHAT YOU THINK IS IMPORTANT! screams the nonconscious human-programmed algorithm  machinery polling people people desperate to know if they polled well  if not they can immediately change their opinionchange their answer to be viewed more agreeably more in synch with the many  who wants to be a loser when all you need do is flick your thumb left or right as the circumstance may be

Police said that Circle Ks surveillance camera were down for maintenance Circle K doesnt have surveillance cameras but theyd like the Public as the police would like the Public to think they did  Police said the vandal heaved concrete slag from some recent pour the concrete was still green they had Sherlock Holmes hot on the case virtually destroying the one-month-old electronic gasoline sign Circle K was being forced to use A-frame signs to advertise their current prices

when he read the article in the local newspaper he was pretty sure that the newspaper had hired someone to smash the gas sign their subscriptions were waning people loved bad news they loved destruction destruction was so easyeasier that creating a night vandal was defying surveillance cameras must be an inside job so many cameras were down for maintenance maybe it came from inside the Force who knew what cameras if cameras were being maintainedwhat hours  justifying their presencejustifying the need of more foot soldiers WRONG more officers  more military hand-me-downs  the streets were becoming war zones  police had to be prepared for the worse  had to be prepared for the FOREIGN INVASION

he yawned 

he grew weary of the hyperbole the propaganda disinformation was it him or were informants now disinformants disseminators erratic masturbators wishing they could sling mung gobs semen ejaculation 250 mL volumes as boars do

Aint shabby Makes a fella feel kinda blue thinking of it  Belittling

1148 and 1553,  Memorial Monday,  28  5. 18

The Plot Against America

Philip Roth

19 March 1933  --  22 May 2018

Aah  someone or something found the bottle of White-Out he secreted in his bottom righthand desk drawer

1401,  Memorial Monday,  28 5. 18

968 days remaining or fewer

Wha  he eyedemitted a guttural bark  glanced a handmade sign over the top of his booksnapping his head up as he walked  it was tacked to a creosoted wood lightpole

ARMAGEDDON

               Was that ArmageddonGarage Sale  on Armageddon Nah  Couldnt be  be a bitch of a sale if it were

Nah  He had to be wrong

he stoppedan doubledback

it wasnt

        it was Amargon Spanish  dandelion  he preferred dandylion an preferred it to amargon dandylion wouldnt have incurred Armageddon in his eyesmade him see it  his eyes were dyslexic an patronising  he always had to be careful cautious when reading something on the quick  often what he read wasnt what was written  what he sawtook  doubletakes doubletakes that might break an ordinary mans neck were incorrect  but more often were a helluva lot more entertaining provoking  to be fair to himself and others his natureby naturenot nurture was provocative   

What would be used as currency at Armageddon for geddon things No  Not everyonenot everyone was going away  Jews survived the Holocaust  Christians survived the Circus the Coliseum  Druids have survived  Bacchus has his Bacchanalia Dionysus his Dionysia their idolatry has survivedtheyve buddied up with new holy Josephs-Come-Lately evangelists fundamentalists the White Word of God fanatics  Ohdamn sorry  hes been told to be more respectful  to try to tolerate new viewsnew religions hocus pocus abracadabra rock—paper—scissors  sources bent an at the behest of faith without reason without evidence  either would tarnish faith  So lets have none of that droll reality

Maybe there would be no currency

Maybe  again  survival of the fittestthe luckiest  the many over the few

What was the address  3257     3275  fuck23572375 nomatter  hed go with his first inclination  just like when he took multiple choice tests in schoolfuck if he knew though hed miss every shot he didnt take

when he finished at the gym he go up and find out that was selling at the garage salewhat theyd take in lieu of cash Whynot  you never really know until you ask             

1156 text,  Reggae Friday,  25  5. 18
1105,  Memorial Monday,  28  5. 18

*Focus  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4ouPGGLI6Q

he was talking to his ferals

                             to bigfoot wee  they were the outdoor cats  indie and october were indoor  he talked to his pets like other people talked to imaginary friends argued in their heads chastised or talked themselves up
and to ghosts 

he talked aboutwhat he suddenly realised  was a prejudice inherent to himself  it had nothing to do with their leanings or taste  this was in regards to what he fed them

he didnt feed them canned fish catfood 

it seems everyone knowsnot that a cat ever said so that cats like fish  a pussycat purring beside a fish skeleton  the fish stark like a hard pencil sketch complete with head and tail  maybe even its eye Xed out  maybe though thatd be redundant

But Im suspect he tells them over the course of feeding them carrying plates outside setting plates down inside  Im suspect  I just dont think youd like canned fishgobble it up  as compared to the other flavours the turkey chicken liver beef I feed you 

to october a calico(if you know cats youd know calicos are female) I wouldnt think youd like it despite how you eat like a garbage disposal No But its occurred to me I realise thats my prejudice (he was opening a can of Savory Salmon savvy marketing) I really doubt indies going to eat any of this hes been with me for seven years as of June First an I can say with confidence that Ive never fed him a can of fish catfood  Though much of that has been predicated on a special diet the vet put him on when crystals formed inside his bladderJesusChrist  Imagine pissing bits of broken glass

october swam back and forthback and forth at his ankles like a shark

he doubted she heard a word he said

indie was alreadyhe was sure in the laundry room where he took his mealshad always taken his meals even before october showed up in the arms of his girlfriend  Can we keep her? I can’t keep her at my mother’s, but can I keep her here? 

he had cats all his adult life 

rather

he had cats everyone in his life wanted and then left with him

the last pet he outright wanted and had was fatty  he wasnt good with names if he didnt have to be

fatty was a Samoyed Husky cross  a big boy at nine months  he didnt get bigger  he was shot to death by a sheep rancher in Montana police didnt do a thing His family’s been here since the valley was settled, sheep ranchers all, more than a hundred years. We suspect you won’t be here a smidget of that time You’ll be gone. he thought they were trying to impress him with their learned vocabularyhad been saving up that pearl for a while to put some outsider in his place See? We aint backwards. Besides, Fletcher’s been no trouble for us. Not in years. You, on the other hand, have been here a couple, three, four times . . haven’t you? 

Oh dont say it so dismissively You peoplethe townspeople the men have an issue with long hair I have a right to defend myself a right to call an ignorant white fuck an ignorant white fuck  Who knew they knew the word ignorant

as he put the plate of Savory Salmon down for indie he said Well big guy Im afraid this is my prejudicemy figuring you wouldnt like fish food However in my defense since I opened a tin for stormy many years ago in Minnesota I was shocked to find a fish eye staring up at me out of the feast A bold accusing eye Maybe you can appreciate my long delay to feed you fish

indie sniffed itlapped it he turned his head aside and went instead for the kibble he had also put in a bowl beside his water and in that interval october bounded in and fell face long into the salmongobbling like a wellpaid hooker at cocks sticking out of the flies of financiers custommade suits 

bigfoot and wee had also made short work of the salmon

Yup his prejudice

1641,  Reggae Friday,  25  5. 18

1308,  Saturday,  26 5. 18

Can you remember the last funeral procession you were in?

Yah Mine  I was on the 405

Fuck. Yah. Ditto.

1401,  Saturday,  26  5. 18

Im being shadowed by squirrels Better hide Joe his father would say Theres a squirrel looking for a nut he was tagteamed they handed him off  they accorded his procession their braying and chattering

he finally mentioned it to a coworker

What are you talking about?

Im being shadowed Youll remember I told you about the squirrel that disappeared from off the top of a fence as I walked to the gym

Stop.

Stop

Yes. I’m confused. Maybe I wasn’t listening well enough. So when you said it disappeared  it disappeared?

Youve known me better than a year  Im not hyperbolic  Not a go-to of mine

No.  But you get creative . .

. . Im creative in absurd circumstances  Im not one prone to hyperbole outside that

No.  No, you’re not.

Im a little troubled youre not listening to me   I listen to you

You do. You probably listen to me better than anyone I know, my mom included.

I do  Its called communication   How can I dare offer you anythingfor what its worth . .

. . For what it’s worth! . .

. . if I havent heard youlistened to what you say

For what it’s worth . . your questions to me are incisivewhy I talk to you, they’re spot on, half the time I haven’t consider them, related to them myself.

Its hard to be objective when the object you scrutinise is yourself 

Yes. There is that

Theres always that  A quote for youPlato  An unexamined life is not worth living  Socrates revealed Platos quote during his trial in threeninetynine B.C. he stood trial before a jury of five hundred accused of refusing to recognise the gods recognised by the stateChrist and for corrupting the youth for his troublehis life he was found guilty he was condemned forced to drink a cup of hemlock poison  he was his own executioner

Yes.  I have heard of them.

But you dont know them

I don’t.

I do a little Ive read them though its been a long time since

My point however take the time to stop and smell the roses

Be mindful.

Christ Mindful  Id rather you not say thatparticularly to me  Theres more than a thousands apps today that can be downloaded into your smartphone to remind you to be mindfulFUCK
I dont have a smartphone or ever will

Eventually you will. They’ll make you. They won’t support your technology.

They willwhoever they are Talk and text The primacies of the devise Those functions will be there as long as the phone is They outreach your access to the World Wide Web its twodimensional Tower of Babel Library of Alexandria though reduced reduced by the myriad Mister Rogers Neighbourhoods people form align themselves with or want to be a part of

Youll have to excuse me These new technologies platforms unregulated irresponsible  their thoughtless algorithms their slick divining get me hot under the collar  an elsewhere  

Understood. You can roll on.

The squirrel disappeared. Now you’re being followed by squirrels.

Precisely Im being handed off Ill be paralleledthe squirrel will stop when we reach the end of the block itll chatter yaknow their irritated soundtheir barks Then into the next block another squirrel appears and they shadow me Even after I cross over El Camino Realthats a wide thoroughfare its litteredthat sounds extreme more than casually Ill find squirrels in the road flattened blood spattered dried leathery remains on its gravel shoulders  a killing field Yet even crossing El Camino since the squirrel disappeared Im shadowed there by others too

What do you make of it?

Nothing  Its an observation is all

Does it concern you?

No  My dad buried any concern I might have regarding squirrels

Your Dad?

Yeah  Better hide Joe Theres a squirrel looking for a nut

1227,  Monday,  20  5. 18

1130,  Reggae Friday,  25  5. 18

https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow/watch/writing-was-on-the-wall-for-trump-north-korea-summit-failure-1241557571754?playlist=associated

Bad timing? really  closing his eyeslistening to sound  it sounds like Boltons neocon pretext to create provocation if North Korea chose to hold the visiting journalist they invited to witness the destruction of a purported nuclear facility  poor poor John his balls are aching like a penned boar staring through the chain at sows in heat

1551,  Reggae Friday,  25  5. 18

971 days remaining or less

odd things happened when he neared blue cubethe affectionate name he gave it  isnt that why Gawd made human beingsto name things unnamed  Christ he made man and woman of man though he didnt think Gawd made the introduction Adam this is Eve Eve Adam while off somewhere where the Garden of Eden didnt throw shade wasssh Lilith  Lilith probably had to introduce herself to Adam 

where did her name come from what might you have named yourself if you had not been named   

evidently by all telling Lilith was a pain in the ass  she deserted Adam  refused to lay under him he had to side with her mebbe she wasnt the pain in the ass 

when Adam complained to Gawd that he was left to himself by his helpmeet helpmate -- then say that – or was he thinking helpmeat Gawd sent the angels Senoy Sansenoy and Semangelof to fetch Lilith back   

Who slapped those names on them

                                    it was his understanding Gawd labored Adam to name all living things Lilith had fled and it wasnt until Adam had unsatisfying sex with all the female animals that he bellyached for the creation of a woman
woman  meaning of man  

asserted by the Talmud perhaps a rivals disinformation        

odd things happened when he neared blue cube

                                                    and why not  Sedona had vortexes

the structure had gone up off El Camino Real  it could be nowhere elsebuilt before codes existedwere enacted funneling scads of greenbacks towards interested public and not-so-public individuals who knew how to prescribe new practical efficient buildingsof fleecing sheep  

there were likely hundreds of other Californian or other western towns that had streets named El Camino Real  land that was vied forfought over by Indians against Indians Indians against the Spanish the Mexicans well before continental emigrants were incited and encouraged by Manifest Destiny Gawds hand yet againjust cant seem to leave well enough alone   

blue cubewhen he recognised it was on his hands and kneeshe lunged out of the path of an old pickup truck that swerved at dusk onto the shoulder of the road  then it was inhabited  itd been condemned since  a gravel drive ran up its north side into the property  maybe once there had been a garage out back  now there was nothing but a weedy lot behind it 

another property began immediately on the other side of the drive hewed out by once what was a substantial fence erected on four by four posts on eight foot centers two railstwo by eights were nailed to the posts the lowest edge eighteen inches off the ground the highest edgethe posts terminus four feet when it was first built eighteen inches open eight inches of rail eighteen inches open eight inches of rail painted immaculate white it must have been something to behold but since it was neglected it didnt seem to him that it ever took another coat of whitewash the wood was exposed emaciated splintering it was weathered grey scabs of lichen provided it only colour nails failed lengths of railing lay diagonal with the ground upper ones fell and burdened ones below some lengths were broken the rail like Vs or one arm of the V sprawled useless on the ground the fence was as dilapidated as the blue cube it however didnt bear a condemnation sign 

today as he crossed El Camino towards blue and the fence he saw a young squirrel atop a fivefoot length of top rail that incongruously remained parallel to the ground despite jaggedly broken  its remnant threefeet brokenfree lie in the dirt and gravel and weeds                 

the squirrel was hesitant though obviously trying to escape his approach

it ran towards himthen turned and retreated

the threefoot gap loomed before it which he believed the squirrel could easily leap though to a visibly weakened and split rail nailed to a withered post 

he didnt break stride

he drew nearer

the squirrel panickingreturned aggressively towards him he walked forth then it suddenly went over the face of the suspended railunder it then up its back side to be where its escape began  it seemed perplexed  all its strenuous efforts and feigns amounted to nothing  he continued walking and closed to within seven eight feet

the squirrel turned to face him

he expected warning chatterexposed incisors a grimace like those he met in the Midwest

the squirrel went up on its hindlegs forelegs bent their paws together  submission  prayer   it rose on tippytoes cocked its head to the sky 

it disintegrated into buzzing particles

                                      then disappeared 

he walked up to the fence and ran his hand through the space the squirrel held and in it was warmth and passed through it the air was chilly again

he backed his hand through the spacewarmth  chill                 

he turned he stoodhis hand in midairhe stood facing up El Camino from where he came

beyond his focusnot that he was particularly focused on anything or quite properly seeing  the blue cube giggled

1223,  Monday,  20  5. 18

1157,  Thursday,  24  5. 18