coming into the hallway from out of his bedroom he felt her presence

he stopped not a step into the hall and looked right

she stood framed in her bedroom doorway

she was a bit taller than the doorknob

she stood centered in it asif the jambs were toxic

her armshands hung before her

she held them towards each other but they did not touch

she stood like a supplicant

which was eerie

                that wasnt herwouldnt ever be her shed go to Hell before supplicating to anyone for anything

Whasup baby

I think I lost it, Dad, you told me to be careful, and I think I lost it.

confessions good for the soul but he didnt think he had qualifications to listen it wasnt on his Dad List anhe read it over and over again to assure himself hed be a good fatherthe best he could possibly be 

                                                                                       he wanted to be a good father

she was his first child

he turned up the hall towards her she wasnt as tall as the doorknob Wha is it that yathink youve lost love  

You told me to be careful with it, now I can’t find it.

Wha is it sweetpea I can help you look for it

I’ve been looking for it since after breakfast.

Oh I thought you were cleaning your room

Sorta, I guess, while I looked for it.

Please for wha 

                he shouldntve pressed it occurred to him only after it came out of his mouth and he saw how his words racked hermade her unstable her spine unlocking  unhinged

he made it to her before she went to pieces 

                                             Therethere little girl he wrapped his arms around her something between a cast holding a broken bone or a tourniquet to stop her from hemorrhaging  It will be okay love It is okay

she sobbed

he heard his wife getting up from her sewing in the livingroom

he anticipated when shed enter the hall behind him and briefly waved her off then reclasped his daughter to him again

he saw his other daughterthree years younger than her sister sitting on her portion of their trundle bed 

                                                                                                           her eyes were big thats sayin something her eyes were huge to begin with

he smiled at her to assure her that everything was going to be okay

tears welled in her eyes

his smile directed at her helped her to wipe them away with the sleeves of her blouse and smile a little broken smile

 

the stitch 

         she lost the long singlefilament stitch the doctor pulled out of his incision after healing from a shoulder tendon surgery

she was curious in the doctors office 

                                       they all went in . .the four of themhis wife and girls  the doctor was cool

the doctor explained that he had healed wellfurthur ahead of other patients time to remove the stitch

his wife stoodwent to take the girls with her from the room 

                                                             he chided  Yare like rats fleeing a sinking ship . . I didnt know until now that rats can swim 

                                     he smiledwanting her to know he was teasing

his daughter didnt want to leave

                                   his youngest was at her mothers hip with the motionsway in her stepswinging in her arms  Get the hell out of my way!  

Sticking with me baby he said to her

I’m sticking with you, Dad. she scrambled up onto his lap and sat still shed have the best seat in the house

Thas my girl

the doctor laid out a prepared tray of sterilised tools 

                                                      he liked that the mat was babyblue  comforting

Aniela eyes grew wideshe eyeballed him searched his face to try and gauge his discomfort

he wasnt uncomfortable if there was to be any pain itd be good pain

the doctor snipped the knot at the top of the incision and then grasp the other knot near his elbow with a hemostat 

You set? he asked

 

Yaset Yeller

I am, Dad.

Were set doc

the doctor placed a gloved hand on his shoulder Then we’re off . . and in one long deliberate pull he extracted it

he felt a persistent tug flipswitch back and forthback and forth down the length of the wound

an interestinqueer pain not that Aniela would ever kmow 

There you go. the doctor said he went to toss the filamentstitch in the trash

Aniela spoke to him with her eyes 

                                   fixed him

Doc 

Yes?

Well take the stitch to-go ifya donmind

The stitch?

Thats why they call ya doc aint it always ahead of the game  Anielad definitely like the stitch please

 

they dug around together looking for the fiilament in the girls bedroom 

                                                                          no luck 

Did you put it your underwear drawer

My underwear drawer?

If Maw doesnt want to lose something she puts it in her underwear drawer I keep my tacky lil pamphlets in my bottom drawer

        later his wife asked Really? Really? Of course he confirmed  Jesus, Joe.

No, Mom didn’t tell me.

Awright then Im tellin ya both if we don find the stitch youll likely remember into the future

never did find the filamentstitch 

                                  but then neither girl ever misplaced something that meant something to them

0937,  Sunday – Aniela’s birthday – 25  4. 21

1644,  Sunday – Aniela’s birthday,  25  4. 21

https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/like-rats-fleeing-a-sinking-ship-history

Zappa  Dirty Love  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaXWG0fBYuk

 

Takin dick

What?

      What was that, what did you say?

it didnt take much to make his buddy flinch 

                                              lean into homosexualitynot lesbians visuals  homosexuals  he creeped out

But theres nothing wrong with itright

No. Nothing wrong with it.

Im not convinced

I just don’t want to see it.

How often have you seen it

Seen it?

Yes when youve watched a couple maul each other in publictongues ramrodding going down each others throat 

I haven . .

. . You haventNo  you havent  its the imagined kiss that makes you uncomfortable

I don’t want to se . .

. . Ya havent as youve admitted Whas the hangup if nothings wrong with it

 

takin dick 

          takin dicktation often his writing came to him in kind he wrote and reading it later marveled  marveled it came off his pen

Marc Chagall hundreds of gouaches 1926 – 27 created in the village of Auvergne France

“ . .images emerged in a contemplative interplay of thought and act, of spontaneous gesture . . . (Chagall) was astonished at the figurative world which, as if on its own, was pushing his way into image . . . he never knew at the start what he was going to end up with . .. much like Klee, he began with no specific content in mind and, in a relative passive state, let the picture grow out of whatever the forms and colors he happened on might suggest . . . the picture arose in the painting of it.”

often his writing arose by putting pen to a naked page

1451,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  12  2. 92

2142,  Reggae Friday,  23  4. 21

theres a pen pressed to a naked page 

                                          and then there are those moments when things fall in his lap

he abounds with found things  is the recipient of unintended gifts usually clamouringcrawling over and around each other  the misspellings  oddwords   poorly turned phrases

a recent adventure was with sprezzatura Gawdblessya  she texted him 

                                                                           he hoped it was an exotic sweet flakeycrust pastry  although used in context: I admire the sprezzatura with which you carry yourself in most situations  quickly neutered his opportunity to conceive of it as a pastry 

                                                      an Italian DUH Sixteenth Century – 1528 -- word appearing in Baldassare sounded slightly selfserving when considering Italian men are prone to being hirsute  Baldassare Castigliones The Book of the Courtier  defined by the author as “a certain nonchalance, so as to conceal all art and make whatever one does or says appear to be without effort and almost without any thought about it”

it was a compliment 

                      though she knew compliments were lost on him  Thank you he said and did not elaborate

however  given that she was game he played dumb

  :  :  sprezzatura 

                     Isnt that the sound a cockmy cock makes when Ive spent my load  the wheeze of propulsion following on the heels of the ejaculate  in its wake  then a forlorn sigh of emptiness   until the next time

  :  :  Better look up sprezzatura and then own it. 

                                                        she wasnt taking the bait 

he rebaited his hook

  :  :  I did look it up  but seeing the writer coined and defined the word I like my definition better

Try to imagine this  having sex   CLIMAX Whas that sound? she whispersasks  then particularly so when I – Im owning it – pull out from behind her and let my shot go over her spine and back  That my sweet close as he was going to get to his pastry is my sprezzatura  Feels goodhuh warm  oozy

  :  :  Jesus, Joe, you could turn a jump into a half frozen lake into a sexual event!....shrinkage and all. Probably why those repressed involuntary celibates in Asia love you.

  :  :  Hmm  repressed celibates in Asia – I believe Asias population is in the billionsBillions – meanwhile  the West  less populated is more sexually self-repressed  Lemme say this  Asians take the gloves off  the West cant and it cant because it hasnt figured out how to get the blindfold off or realised its been fitted with one

By the bye thank you for the cold lake compliment  powering unshrinkingunfurling    

1051,  Saturday,  24  4. 21

1325,  Saturday,  24  4. 21

Zappa  Dinah Moe Humm (Got a spot that gets me hot)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4hzVpYAP-U 

 

Kahrist Gotta go again

You went a halfhour ago.

I did I did

Last time, not that I’m keeping track, you didn’t have to use the facilities at all.

Sometimes ya feel like a nut sometimes yadon

                                                   Ill be back his buddy always said it like Schwarzenegger did in Terminator  it wasnt an attractive quality  but he did it to peeve him peeved an needin to pee

inside the coffee shop on the bathroom door on the plate by the handle in a red field appeared IN USE had the bathroom been unoccupied the field would be green and read VACANT

he waited six feet off the door it was apparent he was in a line of one

the gal working the counter had been cleaning sundry items in a sink  she looked up and stepped towards him wiping her hands in her apron

he nodded to her

                   Just waiting on the facilities thank you

she looked at the plate 

                         I didn’t see anyone go in.

Yawere pretty intent on wha you were doin in the sink

I suppose I was, just trying to stay ahead of the game, not play catchup.

Yadon look old enough to be wise

a bright smile quickly fluttered in her face 

                                             You call me wise? 

I did don let it go to your head

her smile widened 

                    Thank you.

Yare welcome yare keepin the place shipshape a real plus  an don think its lost on your employer  I pick on him regularly

Thank you.

Ya neednt thank me  Yare doin the work an doin it well

Thank you.

Yare polite arent ya

I suppose I am.  Are you sure somebody’s in the restroom?

You lock it inside  Thats how in use appears

Yes. Yes it does.

Good  Donwanna pull back on how wise yare

Don't do that!  You’ll excuse me, I have work.

Of course

 

she came back up to the counter five minutes or so later 

                                                           They haven’t come out? 

Nope  Im hoping soon so yadon have to cleanup the floor

You wouldn’t?

I wouldnt my bladder might

Have you knocked on the door?

Its in use  I would imagine whoevers inside understands the courtesy of public bathrooms

Courtesy?  I know we usually see you once a week with your buddy, but backing courtesy is a long shot.

she stepped back set a hand on the counter hurled herself up on top of it legs tucked knees together she wore a skirt under her apron turned on her hip dismounted stuck her landing with both feet

Wow  Yare my new favourite superhero  no flailing   an in a skirt

I’m wise, and modest.

Well done

she rapped the door once with her knuckle like a cop  Please finish up! People are waiting!

Nice authority

My responsibility. Lotsa kids from the junior high and high school come through here. A lot are dense, if you catch my drift.

Lemme enjoy your authority before glimmering your drift

she spun her way back over the counter as she had come

no sooner than she touched down the door unlocked and opened

a small girl wearing a backpack emerged  Sorry she said looking up into his face  Thats alright  then a girl slightly talleralso wearing a backpack  I’m sorry she said to him looking up into his face  Thats okay  then a third girl taller than he wearing a backpack  I’m sorry too she said  she looks him in the face  Quite alright I didnt make a mess  she giggled  she didnt put her hand over her mouth

it was like a circus clown car emptying

hed never seen that before

 

Are you alright? his buddy askedlooking up at him as he set his smartphone down  You were gone a long time.

There were prevailing circumstances

Prevailing circumstances? Prevailing?  It’s a bathroom.

Well lemme put it this way  I was in and out

You were in and out, in fifteen minutes?

Yup  Yaknow that bit when a woman goes to the restroom and asks other women at the table if they want to go too

I do. But that bathroom has a single commode, sink, and mirror . . no stal . . 

. . None

Yet?

Three girls came out of it

Like out of a clown car in center ring?

Exactly what I thought 

                        they traded smileshe was rubbing off on him  which was a good thing his buddy needed a substantial dose of irreverence and odd waysperspectives of looking at things 

There’s a name for that.

A name

Yes. I think it’s called a clique.

Three young girls filing out of a singular bathroom is called a clique

Yeah, he nodded  I think so.

Id prefer a clit

he was taken aback 

                      You said they were young girls.

Yadon think young girls have clits yadon think Eve had a cunt or Mother Mary

his aback was taken aback 

                             his mouth opened but nothing came out

If we were in Florida theyd be called a clit mob

OhChrist!

Kahrist had a cock not a clit 

                              Anatomy muthafucker I know you know

1600approximately,  Thursday,  22  4. 21

1224,  Reggae Friday,  23  4. 21

 

Schiller German  critiquing deformations of inner life deformities caused by modernity science technology  division of labour specialisation 

                      spiritually impoverished individuals reduced to mere fragments “nothing more than the imprint of (their) occupation or (their) specialised knowledge.”

 

they had just been introducedrather he introduced himself  small talk 

So then, what is it you do?

Do 

Do for a job? she smiled pleasantlyhe might say alluringly  Do for employment?

bittersweet he returned her smile Youll excuse me please

                                                             he walked away

from across the room she saw him turn away from an attractive woman and walk off  she was stunnedshed watched him purposefully make his way across the room to her  what could possibly have gone sideways in that fiveten minutes

 

she caught him at the bar 

                            Hey.

There you are hey  Buyya a drink

Yes, please; you’re drinking?

Drinking Redbreast

I’ll have one.

Bennie could I get another double Redbreast neat please 

On it.

What did you do?

Do   Do 

         Hmm seems everyone is interested in wha I do

She asked you what you do?

She did

You know . .

. . Here you go said Bennie On your tab?

Please

Gotcha.

she had his attention again 

                              You understand that asking what you do is a common icebreaker, you know? she started singing Getting to know you . .

. . Save it

           Icebreaker  Ice broke she fell through . .

. . That’s it?

Thats it thats shit Wha I do has no legs not with me 

Come on, you’re being a stick in the mud.

I disagree Ive no intentions of gettin stuck in mud

Mud, Christ, because she asked the usual question, a question that’s asked every day, day in, day out.

I don ask it 

            I don ask it of anyonenot man or women I doncare wha they do I care who they are Its dishonest a wannabe yardstick

A yardstick? Truly?

Yes Most people dondo what they want or wha they love Wha people do isnt a descriptor

Jesus, man. 

             she was displeased   too displeased 

then she recognised it showed in her face

Whadidya do

her silence was answer enough                       

Whawere you thinkin 

                       Listen to me an listen carefully  Yaknow me  I only ask once  So Im tellin ya  if I catch a whiff yare playin me the ice under us will break too  Ill be through

she went to say Really but she saw the set of his jaw he wasnt a poker player 

Twosday afternoon,  20  4. 21

0057,  Reggae Friday,  23  4. 21

 

he was happy the vying was behind him 

                                             which way to go went    

now he was hungup again this time bangs hair cut just above the eyebrows

wrestling with it it became an equation 

                                          bangs / breasts = Benton   read bangs over breasts equal Barbi Benton  or 

or the equation failshe met a woman who struck him oddly  she was fetching   wholesome 

she wore a modest rednwhite gingham dress

                                                however when he looked away from herlooked askancecatching her reflection off glass or in a mirror she was dressed in a clinging gownher facefeatures were accented with cosmetics and her wholesomeness was concealed

                                       asif an undesired aspect 

he did not know what to make of itmake of her

hed touched her shook her hand

she was not an apparition

then he wondered if he appeared the same to her 

                                                           he wondered

then he was done wondering

he asked

they were just introduced 

                            Keira  youll excuse my abruptness its my nature  however I am realisingseeing two facets of youperhaps  looking at you directly yare freshscrubbed wearing a gingham dress  seeing you out of the corner of my eye or in reflections yare wearing a gown your face is fully madeup

Yes.

Yes

Do you have a preference?

I do

You prefer looking at me directly.

I do

Is the alternative uncomfortable, undesirable, beguiling?

No  I recognise you in each 

                              I believemore to the point  it isnt my preference but rather yours

Yes. It is, isn’t it?

It is

Do I make you uncomfortable, my mien?

Miens

Correct, miens.

No  You are fascinating 

                         An I mustin light of our conversation  ask   if I fascinate you

You are direct.

I am 

     Diversion isnt necessary

You are very direct.

 

You are exactly who you are; and you’ll forgive me, not as fascinating as refreshing.

Thank you 

             Facetnating

0205,  Monday,  19  4. 21

1141,  Thursday,  22  4. 21

Derek Chauvin guilty on three counts of murdering George Floyd

certainly turns Chauvinism on its head 

                                       a belief in the superiority of ones own group or people who are seen as strong virtuous supreme  the while considering others weak unworthy  inferior

certainly fell on its face yesterday  4/20

1751,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  21  4. 21

 

he vied backanforth backan forth   zigzagged maybe hed twist one up

                                                                          which way to go whichway does he go ahNope no no nopenope  nope  which way whichway does he go

he was irritated

as preface to his quandary 

                             he lived in a part of a community called The Colony it is the original neighbourhood built near public buildings and a mall after the town was founded chartered 

he knew that through the historical society 

                                              he didnt however call it The Colony those who did were a little too haughty for his tastes and they took a particularly delight and pride in calling it so somehow making them feel separate and better 

Kahrist

living there he discovered that there were more than a few 

                                                              it appearedhe laughed to himself he went from the pan into the fire albeit the pan was twothousands miles east   

to be fair it took years and had been a convoluted path

 

he lived in Chicago proper until he was five then moved and spent his boyhood and teens in the suburbs  Hazelwood  being suburbia streetsigns told you when you went from one city to the next one wasnt different than another they were like run-on sentences zero punctuation 

his folks still lived there 

his siblings lived within ten minutes of themwithin twenty minutes of each other

The mailman takes exception to your letters his folks told him in turn he adored their redundancy 

Why

You upset him, he doesn’t find you funny.

Im not 

        An I aint writing him he knew exactly why the postman had a bug up his ass Since I usean I seem to be the only one who does the nine-number zip I could probably drop Exxon-Valdez Illnoise and by your street address an zip youd still get it  

He’s not amused, Joe.

Maw I could give a shit Im amusing myself  

                                               Ya tell him for me Do your job Can you do that

Joseph, he’s a nice man.

Then tell the nice man Quit editorialising Yacan remind him anwhy I remember this is beyond me Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of an oil spill stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds He might recognise the bastardised creed

The Colony like Hazelwood was anti-Semitic 

                                               Twentyfive thousand population fortyplus church no temples synagogues mosques blacks few and far between anbecause its Califormia it has to suffer Mexicans 

                                                                                              who else to do their yardwork

it late in high school when he realised his crewcut mistakenly identified him as a skinhead he grew his hair out 

Kahrist

         out of the pan and into the fire

he was white

he was straight

he would have fit right in if his politics werent his politics or if he didnt know history 

he refused to let his children participate in Thanksgiving programs at school Go along to get along his wife her family his distant family members counselled him a concerted effort he hadnt asked them his children werent participating he ended up going before the school board it refused to acknowledge that Wampanoag were two to one to the pilgrims anif it had not been for the First People the pilgrims might likely have perished he resisted the temptation to standfist raised over his head and chant Remember Roanoke Remember the Lost Colony Remember Roanoke

he testified Ive always been of the mind that the red man in their parlance they werent going to correct him which he would have bet the farm on should either have packed the pilgrims back on board the Mayflower returned it from whence it came or killed them

the Board slackjawedincredulous was visibly peeved

he capped off his remarks 

                            Sixteennineteen the year prior to the Mayflowers landing another vessel The White Lion arrived Its heinous cargo was twenty to thirty black Angolan slaves 

                                                                        Maybe we should celebrate The White Lion not the Mayflower not the pilgrims not their obviouslycherished lives which helped make the founding and formation of America our country built on the backsthe bodies of slaves The pilgrims fled religious persecution sought out religious freedom in the New World  But whakind of freedom is that which enslaves people 

 

their silence said it all 

he couldnt resist 

                  Ya donknow what Im talking about do ya Yare the School Board Might wanna look it up My girls should be taught history not mythology unless the mythology is defined as such

 

that was only part of his conundrum

he had to movewas displaced 

                                he rented a house in The Colony after his children graduated schoolwent to college were making lives of their own

tragically his wife died 

since he arrived there seemed to be or else it was just him a concerted effort to take down trees and when trees were cut down they were not replaced with saplings

he was particular about trees

                               as a boy a youth military academy was shuttered in Exxon Valdez and the land company that acquired the property published in the local newspaper that anyone who wanted a tree or trees -- there had been an arbor a tree nursery the cadets worked -- could come onto the premises and take them a sixty day window was provided 

on the first day a Saturday he and his father took the stationwagon over and dugup four trees to plant on the hellstrip and in their yard on Sunday they dugup another four two each for two neighbours 

                                                                                        his father had what he wanted so thereafter he persisted on his own initiative and walked over to the grounds pulling his wagon behind him and removing two trees at a time he divvied them among other neighbours he approached who were happy to have a free tree or trees

he didnt count how many trees he saved

he wept outside the gate on the sixtyfirst day when earthmovers cleared the remaining grove piled them  snappedbroken violated green wood   

 

in the past year amid havoc wrecked by Trump virus he worked from home more and more of his Colony neighbours bought dogs who bayed and chorused throughout the day

he was not fond of dogs

he had cats

but wasnt it unusual it seemed so to him that after hundreds of trees were felled that a hundred dogs he didnt know would be brought into the neighbourhood

it seemed counterintuitive 

but maybe not 

              not if the Colony was as special as many of it thought it was 

he was irritated

                    vexed

0205,  Monday,  19  4. 21

1203,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  21  4. 21

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mKIuZ4tIzk 

Sting  It’s Probably Me  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7FsKmmD_NV8