sitting in the back of a cab he talked with his brother on his cell

his brother was incensed that Trump had been impeached

his brother typically  politically by his measure had his head up his ass  but he was a good Republican like hed been a good soldier  they told him to jump he cried How high? Republicans take their marching orders from the top down  a resolute authoritarian bend-over-an-take-it-in-the-ass structure  for the Party  for God  for Country

he had trouble with its descending priorities 

Countryshabbily  often came fourth behind Family  some Holier-Than-Thou yokelswho he detest held God Family Party then Country hed be damned if God had shit to say about his American life and freedoms if anything could militarise him Vietnam didnt God could Country might if the threat were existential but since World War Two there had been no existential threats money opportunitiesyes  Imperialist idiots neocons who because they could thought they would but didnt and failed famously they goatfucked the countrythe world they victimised tenthousandfold fiftythousandfold people to one September Eleventh death        

people milled about on the streets  

they were enthused irate they barked at one anotherlunged and shoved  they were trying to form up sides to get out of the midst of a group that didnt think as they did some physically clasping their mouths shut with their hands so not to betray themselves as they were surrounded by the oppositions clutches  

the throngs inhibited traffic

mired the cabs progress   

he was rethinking the cabthinking he might be better served to walk now his destination was maybe six miles off hed probably make better time walking

while talking thinking he was oblivious to the driver he railed at his kid brother and the inane spite he had for the Democrat majority who finally moved Trump along returned him to private lifehis private deprivations and a myriad of lawsuits that spun like farflung satellites lives of their own orbiting him and his business interests  likely to spin in space even after he croaked to his historic shame not that Trump knew shame

the cabdriver slammed on his brakes  nearly rocked him off his seat Get the fuck out of my cab! he howled  

the cabbie blindly swung his door open and banged people beside it Out of my way! You! Get the fuck out of my cab!

Got to go brother he said into his cell You dont like the turn of events suck an exhaust pipe just like Im gonna suggest to this miserable driver

he didnt bother to reach for the door the cabdriver yanked it open almost striking other people OUT MUTHAFUCKER!

before getting out he eyed the faredug into his pocketcounted out some bills and getting out he stared into the irate drivers bulging eyes and dropped the money on the street  Were even bub

FUCK YOU!

he expected nothing more it was the extent of expression he expected from most of Trumps kowtowing legion a huckster a celebrity somehow he was confused by his supporters to have intellect reason Trump knew what Trump knewwhat he likedwhat he wanted he wasnt the kind of man who thought beyond that he was wretchedly ignorant  an unfortunate lighthouse beacon of ignorance

he didnt bother to look to see if the driver bent over to pick up the cash

he wished he had the correct change but he hated the weight of coin in this pocketagainst his thigh 

why he thought to take the cab despite the twenty milesdespite knowing the vote was imminent baffled him

now he was in the heart of the city  its beating mulling mewling heart 

seemed people came out of their office buildings set their day aside for this remarkable moment and sought to side up 

he didnt have a side

all he wanted was the amoral racist out of office 

Democracy showed him the door

Trump could double downhe could run in ’20why not it was the cut of this cloth  though hopefully not the fabric of the nation

he sidestepped screaming congregationssidestepped shoving matchessidestepped vulgar sniping and not five minutes on foot while passing through a youthful gathering of students across from what appeared a downtown annex of a university or college a young woman grabbed his hand from behind she almost startled him  he wasnt conscious that he walked swinging his arms not his usual   

no  he wasnt startled that she took his hand  he was confused bemused curious  Eh 

she was lithe a ginger had an intelligent face wideset green eyes what was with the red hair green eyes freckles the warm fascinating expression                       

Would you care for a celebratory roll? she asked

whaddafuck Im not interested
Everyone’s interested.

she had a point

Okay Then no thank you

she continued holding his hand like a lost kitten  stroking it as they walked and wound they way through the agitated crowd

he looked over his shoulder his arm held back  he looked into her face  she implored him with her eyesconceding her words wouldnt convince him 

she made one hell of an argument

dreamed  texted : 1550,  Monday,  1  10. 18
1201,  Twosday,  2  10. 18
839 days remaining or less

the beast was backshe visited him in his dreams

                                               Ohyea this girl eminently tickled his sleeping fancy 

his mind reeled as he remembered the dream although its memory was easily facilitated by his imagination and by a whisky at hand beside his mornings black coffee

she had acquired beast-status he thoughtfully aligned her with the first beast he was ever introduced to through his father-in-law in the last century

relaxing in Santa Barbara beside the pool his father-in-law came out of the house and asked him if hed like to come with him so he could make a small bank transaction

his father-in-law smirked  You won’t regret coming with me. 

his brain was an ember easily fanned and conflagrated  the suggestion was too tantalising to pass up    

She’s a beast. he said.  

he had utmost confidence in his father-in-laws definition

they exhibited negligible variance that summer while in Anchorage ostensibly for fishing salmon on the Kenai  their ratings went tit-for-tat in regards to their admiration their keenly-ascribed values of the girls who danced at The Alaskan Bush Company where they went for drinks at his encouragement for their masculine entertainment

Ronda  A nice Americanised namehuh? she said  a small-titted Western Airlines flight attendant had recommended The Bird House and The Bush Company a few years back  she demonstrated how a small titted curlyhaired Persian girl could make up for having less breast and cleavage than other women 

he was impressed

inadvertently  to Rondas dismay  she also introduced him to his to-be-wife

Ronda hit the spotshe was also spot-on with her genuine assessment of Anchorages premiere strip club she told him her father had mentioned it to her in passing and she couldnt help herself to see if his taste in women correlated with what she understood about him 

she was a bastard but never a bastard for want  or her halfsisters

she was curious she admitted her father had a pronounced tacky side A sleaze she said  he was also an easy touch 

so on layover in Anchorage she went to see for herself to gauge his farflung tastes

she was impressed

he was accurate Tried and true she said telling him so defending herself  because her father greased every relationship he ever had with a woman with money  money from a trust fun that sustained him and herher halfsisters  A trust fun, he called it. FUN; not fund. Ever since he turned legal age. Can you imagine? His life someone has to do it he remarked was all about fun to be had. Year after year after year.

she admitted he was generous 

she didnt bite the hand that fed her 

though she did slap it on occasion       

he couldnt help but lay his eyes onconfirm his father-in-laws beast who he had happened to stumble upon when researching new banks 

she was a teller at Bank of America  

She’s probably the only reason why I took my business there. Sex sells, boy.

in fact his father-in-law wasnt errant she was a beast

                                                          and any beast he assigned beasthood had to meet his memory of her beastliness Ivanka he remembered wondering that he didnt think bank tellers were allowed to wear either low cut tops or dresses or tight-around-the-fanny skirts  but maybejust maybe corporate exceptions were made for women who could maybe an undisclosed pay differential to boot

Ivanka she was a beast

Ivanka though had nothing on his dreamed beast

she sat in the back of a buckboard wagon with the immense blue Western sky behind her

her blonde head was haloed by the sun

it was hot

she picked up a wooden bucket from the buckboard that he couldnt see and dumped it over her head

silverwhite rockets riven with sunlight and prism splayed off her head and shoulders

she caught him looking at her out of the corner of her eye

she smiled like a ravenous wolf

she turned slightly towards himstripped her doused white cotton blouse over her head and sat halfnaked  erect  and proud

leaning over the edge of the buckboardgrowing three times the size of o normal womannot that she was normal to begin with probably six feet she picked him up off his feet like a Cyclops and clutched him to her enormous breasts 

if he had a sheep to hide beneath he wouldnt have

if she was going to eat him alive hed have no remorse

then in her armsclutched to her breasts she transitioned staccato inch by inch and returned to her actual self and size

the eating and licking that was was had on equal terms

he couldnt match her beastliness

                                   he could only be grateful and gracious she shared herself with him

2000, mid-September, 2018

1634,  Monday,  1  10. 18

he started a fire in their circular hewed metal firepit 

she adored its cutouts the stars and crescent moons she had to have it

he threw everything he stacked over months into the fire

the fire ragedwas ravenous

it devoured everything he threw into it

he threw his clothes into it

then standing naked beside it the flame faltered

the slenderstick coals glowered  

they subsided

                         by alchemy of fire they collapsed into fine grey ash

he plunged his hands into the ash to find hot spots  he disturbed themscattered themaerated them  he tried to give them another chance

but without fuel

they died

he stood upright unbent his back

he did everything he could

                                                               all things die

2111,  Sunday,  30  9. 18

                                                                     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HksvmxnIVg8

who knows where this will go

he hadnt a fucking clue . .  but the best thing of not having a fucking clue is the wide open spaces that present themselves to be transfigured transformed  annihilated?when you put yourself in someone elses hands you risk annihilation  an whywhythefuck would anyone do that  why would anyone lay down their armstheir weapons themselves an allow another to runroughshod over them twist them make them into something they wanted . .fuck you . .  .  you make yourself   . .leave me alone

                                                but some people are satisfiedgrateful to leave themselves to another

that could be God

that could be a mentor

that could be someone youd do anything for just to get in their pants

sorry

      theres plenty of fish in the sea

you cant see that

thats on you

he had several friends growing up who were manipulated by the whiff of pussy  

some of them married the pussy

he was sorry to say that most of those relationships went sideways  he said as much  an saying as much he was no friend to the pussys an they made damn sure his relationship with his friends were hacked downminimised

My wife doesn’t like you.

I dont like your wife  But what does that have to do with our friendship

Well, it’s about my marriage, not our friendship.

The two are mutually exclusive.

They’re not. I can’t spend time with you. I’m not risking my marriage to spend time with you.

She have any friends you dont prefer  Have you denied her their friendships

That’s different. Women have their friendships, their friendships run deeper than ours.

According to them and your wife women have deeper friendships You and I go back to kids  fucking kids  kindergarten I got friends from second grade That timethat development is all for naught

I need you to stop. I need you to appreciate the depththe love I have for my wife

I appreciate the love your wife has for herself Im telling yaman you keep backing off and off an youll back right out of your marriage

This aint cool

I want to preserve my marriage . .

. . At the cost of our friendship

I vowed . .

. . You vowed What did she vowtill death do you part Do you appreciate how long your life might be Do you appreciate your vow nowbefore God if you want might exceed the all the time youd been alive Did you really assesshard wordyet the best word assess your entire life with one person Fucking romanticyes But did you really dig down and assess a lifetime with her

Of course I did.

an when their marriages broke up after they stepped away from himtheir friendships  they refused to reconnect

pride

resentment

hed never know

he reached out to themhe never said I told you so

they just let him go

they knew he was honestknew he was honest to a fault

they knew he was brutally honest

he missed themmissed their friendships  but it takes two to tango

1201,  Sunday,  30  9. 18

Chaka Khan  I’m Every Woman  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HksvmxnIVg8

Warpaint  Love Is To Die  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnuFYYJHaY0

when the government institutions fell apart

                                              when the jails ruptured the police departments and hospitals ruptured

they were turned into Walkaway-style co-ops

people helping themselves to what remained  and then helping others

somber

Gretyl told her son She’s been away and we haven’t seen her in a long time. We love her.

Jacob was seven

We love her. Jacobs parents said said Gretyl and Iceweasel

so  uncritically unconditionally childishly Jacob loved Limpopo too

childishly

innocently

            as these concepts are slowly erodedas children havent the luxury of being children any longer they are forced to access more than their immature brains can either absorb reckon-with or humanely facilitate

childishness and innocence are unwanted

                                             the childrens elders want them to be as critical as they are corrupt and they insist and insert conditions and clauses to be met 

theyre wrong

plants grow in their time insects and animals grow in their time 

when natural things are forced theyre stressed  they become ill   they are not resilient  deranged

when we naturally self-construct

                                  when our selfish parameters of course they are are met and fortified by those who love us we in turn know and can love 

we love because slowly we have been shown and we acclimate to what love is

sometimes our love deftly defiantly hurtles over and beyond precepts defined by others 

they insist forgetting they are they and not us and demand our love is not love and because it is un-natural to them we should overthrow it

and because they leave us no choice

we overthrow them

or try

August, 2018

1312,  Friday,  28  9. 18

Christ. Would you look at that fucking clown rubbing his leisure in our face.  he stared straight ahead through the windshield over the steering wheel

What? What are you talking about?  his vision was obscuredthough he tried to see moving under his seat belt side to side

We’re coming up on him. I saw him ahead, down the road apiece. He’s the one backing us uppeople are too concerned with hitting him than running two abreastthere’s plenty of room on the road to pass him side by side, lousy drivers.

I’d assume they’re siding on caution. This is residential area, no one should be in a hurry.  he spoke into the side of the drivers face

he didnt turn to look at his passenger  I’m in no hurry, I just don’t like being held up by some guy taking his sweet time walking on the side of the road reading a book. I’m rolling your window down.

Why?

Watch. I’ll make this old man shit in his pants. the car slowly rolled forward as three vehicles passed in the opposite direction

Him?

Yeah him.

May be prematurely gray, but he’s no old man. And if he’s an old man I wish I was as fit.

No matter. He’ll shit. He’s too engrossed in his book. He hasn’t looked up out of it once the whole time we’ve been coming up on him.

Nownow, give him some room. I don’t want you hitting him playing your . .

. . Which is the trouble with everyone. Passing him one at a time. In either direction. There’s plenty of roomplenty of room. Watch this.

He’ll shit.

hed been walking and reading since he was a kid

the trouble with some was that they thought he was too engrossed and either honked their horn or screamed out their window as they went past  probably anticipating three or four balls were too many for him to juggleto negotiate 

he didnt have to lift his head to see forwardtake in what he was coming up on  he lifted his eyes  that was plenty  he was familiar with the sides of the road he walked it for years

BLAAARE!GET OFF THE ROAD OLD MAN!

nothing 

nada

nope

     like he was deafhe didnt flinch his spine didnt go herky-jerky he walked on steadfast stead forth 

it was an inside joke 

obviously the driver thought he was the first ever to pull off that horseshit  as if walking and reading killed his sense of hearingfeeling the atmosphere around him changelike a barometer  feeling presences

                                                                                           and somehow this driver honker screamer missed that there was only the street for cars and pedestrians  there were no sidewalks

this was an old neck of the woods  a neighborhood built nearly a hundred years ago 

the city didnt plan for sidewalks not any of itnot for any of the hundreds of homes that became or the thousands of residents

to be sure  not many walked on the road

when school was in session a few grade schoolers or junior high kids walked this way  though only a handful 

there werent kids in this neighborhoodnot like the neighborhoods he grew up in back east

these kids were shuttled or sat along or against the chainlink fences that surrounded the school grounds  they sat and waited  or they hung out in the Sunken Gardens before City Hall or traipsed over to the librarythe librarians inadvertent babysitters or went to Starbucks or another coffee house the donut shop the burger joint the Walgreens for candy     

very unlike his childhood

the school fences reminded him of concertina wire  students were incarcerated  not instructed  not educated  they were made fearful if they werent cloistered for their own safety

safety  the end game  the safe continuity of State and Federal funds coming into the district  student by student  dollar bill signs turning over their heads  if they werent in class the district was losing money  

helluva way to concede an education or educate someone

maybe he was square he didnt fit in the round peghole

if a peghole was large enough he might

but there was no room in the system to accommodate big pegholes

the easethe attributes of his walking and reading came from reading school assignments as he walked the mile and a half to and from school walking and reading the Sun-Times and Chicago Tribune as he pulled his wagon walked his morning paper route walking and reading paperbacks as he walked even furthur than school to hang out with friends

he was an antenna a radar rarely did anything slip into his field that he wasnt aware of

he was tried and true 

June, 2018

1153,  Friday,  28  9. 18

  :  love i’m so sorry. i’m always DOA come weekends, aren’t i 

i’ll make it up to you, to us

i love you. (1708,  Sunday,  16  9. 18)

he had an older fone it didnt retain any more than his last fifty texts and he was texting her his nephew his brotherinlaw his daughterher husband football was on he was barbecuingChrist an octopus would have been proud of his efforts women would have be proud of his masculine multitaskingnot that he would ever make a habit of it it was just an extraordinary eveningan emotional one they were all working their way through their griefthrough his sisters death sixteen days ago sixteen days linked together dragged like a chain behind them  another coarse link to be added tomorrow  and its tomorrow   and tomorrows after that  her death made all their lives heavier and slower  lethargic she was a brilliant light effervescent lighterthanair losing her was sustaining a terrible blow internal injuries breath came as if he was submerged at sea in a black storm gasping floundering gulping and slapped by a huge wave breath by breath

his sisters death suffered him his wifes death again

she wasnt thinking when she wrote DOAdead on arrival  

she hadnt been well in a long time her workweek depleted her by Thursday Friday she was sustained on fumes weekends were an attempt to recoveryan attempt to put gas in her tank but she unable to refuel  a weekend wasnt time enough even if she tried to imagine it in minutes rather than hoursmore of them  as if their number might translate permutate into something largermore enormous more time than fortyeight hours how many seconds

what he replied was lost to the cold technology of his fone  he seemed to remember he texted that she shouldnt be sorry  she should rest 

try to restore                   

i’ll make it up to you, to us  is impossible 

lost time is lost time 

you cant make up for it                               

a romantic notion

truly

       unfortunately it doesnt carry real weight 

it is emotional  

his emotions were running at a deficit

right now

          he just didnt care

0029 & 1139,  Monday,  17  9. 18