Awgawd  sorry sorry     Im sorry

                                       it takes a big man to apologise when hes wronged someone  something

say  alligator lizards

                       Im sorry

hed leaptup onto a short drystacked threestacked bearing on three surfaces stone wall an leapingup found himself betweeninterrupting a sweated amorous pairSURPRISE ofcourse youNO he coudnt speak for you  he never hear bedroom doors open they hustledoff in opposite directions throwing disconsolate glances over their shoulders 

                                                                                                          he was familiar

seen them all his life

dejected

cheerless

gloomy

         though he thought he only provoked them in his family

outside its confines he found them too

   Tough he thought  they overevaluated him

                                                 Thas on them

spare the rod spoil anticipation

he was kind

enjoyed an abundance of initiative

goodnatured

did things because he wanted to 

despite being aware that others may try to take advantage of him

                                                                      those  who when he put his foot down

felt he denied something he owed them

  How to  how do I say this properly he would say

theyd be pensive or in their faces seemed pensive  although positive  assured    he helped before

Yes

      How can I say this properly

                                        Aah

Fuck you

didnt do what they wantedassumed hed provide again

                                                             really upset them

who was hehow dare he   how dare he change thingsup

when he helped he was conscious some would feel enabled  anassuch feel they had a perfectright to compel him

WRONG

          he didnt bellow

he helped because he wanted to  not because he was obligated

                                                                     I aint a kidney donation

finished urinating he jumped down

                                     I am sorry

walkingoff he muttered Jesus  Cockblocking lizards  Wha other surprises are in store for meWho knew

NO ONE knows

couple hours later jumpedup on the wall

                                             cockblocked two lizards

couldnt say they were the same pair

early afternoon,  Monday – April Fools,  1  4. 24

1142,  2sday,  2  4. 24

he had the time of his life

                           at least he thoughthad a vague sense  it was his life   His

hed been accused of a lot of things

                                     fessedup to a majority of them  they sounded like him

coudave fooled himself

though some were too sweet not to rollup take advantage of  take the fall

                                                                                accountabilitys a bitch

   yet had met many bitches he was fond of

Sure  Thas on me

                    I woudnt have done it if I coudnt endure the punishment ifIF   if I got caught

1116preferred to 2316,  Sunday,  31  3. 24

0943,  2sday,  2  4. 24

Iron Butterfly  In the Time of Our Lives  James Gang;  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwjsmmM450oc

James Gang  The Bomber A: Closet Queen B: Bolero C: Cast Your Fate to the Wind  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWiQ6k4HCwo   Tend My Garden  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Ui2Q11IbAY

lost and found

Yah

      went over hard

fell on my face

cut at the knees

                   although I felt no disgrace or embarrassment

at my cries

              my misplaced tears

No

      I really didnt know what happened  what took my place

   standing again

still not understanding

not all me was there

parts of me I didnt think I could shake

ended up in the Lost and Found

ended up in a lousy box overflowing with needed and needless things

                                                                          things that didnt matter a damn

that anyone looking through it

wouldnt waste their time stealing

other things were tempting

but they didnt fit

werent the right size

would have looked odd on

because they didnt belong

so they waited

                 weighted in the Lost and Found

waiting         

in the time that followed I wasnt as fast

sparks cooled

juices chilled

yet I waited

I don know if family or friends knew

and didnt say

or made excuses

for what went away

I sat still not knowing my colours had changed

or that I ate myself

in ways different and alone

waiting

Lost and Found has its place

I have mine

   then

           unexpectedly

you arrived

you recognised something of yours

something you didnt lose

but hoped to find

and the waiting  the waiting

fell behind

though other things were tempting

they wouldnt fit

they werent the right size

they would have looked odd

     they didnt belong

now were not waiting

weve been lost and found been lost and found

Nah

      we arent waiting

weve been Found

day-between-2-Ts,  1  10. 08

1136,  Monday -- April Fools,  1  4. 24

he wasnt in the habit of being anywhere

when someone posedoffered  invited him to a get together

                                                                  Who with

his first question

Where

When

should have been a dick

cut to the chase

times awastin

his social skills wandered out the backdoor some time ago

                                                               hed left it open encouraged them

Lettin our hair down boys Don have to jump through hoops nomo

no sooner than he stepped aside they hustledbolted out

                                                           hollering over their shoulders Seeya you big lug

he wasnt

his skills had no comparisons

a captive audience

he feigned well

                 though easy to fake Ignoramuses

some believe they were dinosaurs from the   . . . you know . Dinosaur Age . . yah . that.

   Which

Then.

The Mesozoic

                So which we talkin Triassic Jurassic Cretaceous hed bet if he were a bettin man Jurassic probably heardfiltered in Jurassic Park franchise

Yah, that one, it.

Jurassic

Sure.

couldnt stand watchin a dog chase its tail

                                              he let it go

it was a family invite

                       AH

tyranny of family

tough to sidestep

he had some remnantmodicum of civility  sociability

                                                         though razsore thin

chalkscribbled graffiti  a brick wall

talkin real thin

   he conceded

Ten A M

FUCK

       have to set an alarm

shower

   wash his hair

                   usually oncemaybe a week

usually brushed it out

in the shower the shampoo it leaked into his eye

                                                   he flashed back to being a boySOAP IN HIS EYE  BURN

yah it burned

but he wasnt a boy

it was delicious to have a flashback without aid of hallucinogens

approximately 9AM, Sunday,  31  3. 24

1757,  Sunday,  3  31. 24

. . . as I’ve said, it’s so freaking wonderful, amazing, and, as I’ve also said . .

. . NO Ive said  Thank you

                                Thank you but no

You’d love . .

. . Not interested  Uninterested

                                     Treat yourself have another go

How can you possibly know you wouldn’t like a massage if you’ve never had one?

I don like to be touched

   You give monster hugs.

I do

      Hugs are brief

I don’t get it. A massage is so exhilarating.

Knock yourself out  Please yourself

                                         No thank you

Like that. No.

Just like tha

               Makes sense  Im surprised yare surprised

Makes sense, surprised, how?

Most things I do are solitary

                              Being touched is like being told a story have to suffer an audiobook I cant abide either  You know I write I tell the stories

                                    Why the hell woud I want to listen to one

Im a teller  Active not passive

There’s that, yes, granted, but I’m payin . .

. . No

         I swim laps Thas solitary  I write an read  Solitary

                                                                      I workout alone

Im NOT a team player

There’s that.

   Pretty fuckin  obvious

But . .

. . NO

2200,  Saturday,  30  3. 24

1437,  Sunday,  31  3. 24

As a kid Fat Tuesday wed scarf paczki

                                          My grandmother knew of a bakery in the innercity old neighbourhood Wed beat ass down to it Opened at seven slim pickins by nine Walkin through the door warmaird hit you in the face instantly woud be salivating Great freakin memory

                                             Marcel Prousts madeleines had nothing on those paczki not a damn thing

Paczki?  Marcel Proust?

Yah yah

cast his hands into the air You got me.

Gotya

       Wha are ya talkinbout

I’m unfamiliar with either.

   Help Im a rock

What?

Zappa You raised under a rock  Maybe not paczki but madeleines

                                                                       Theyre small sponge cakes Are shellshaped due to the pans theyre baked in

No.

Proust a French writer Remembrance of Things Past Seven volume novel based on cakes his grandmother sent out for

Petites madeleines

No.

Wow kid ya missed out

                          Oughta make it a point to find an try all three  Live a little

1123,  Reggaefriday,  23  2. 24

1753,  Saturday,  30  3. 24

Zappa  Help, I’m a Rock  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsEnCu4PEzo

https://www.dailygood.org/story/2136/the-madeleine-excerpt-from-remembrance-of-things-past-marcel-proust/

Czas isc spac.

                or when he was a boy and she was perturbed by him  abruptly SPAC.

he doesnt get to hear that any more

                                        cant

cant hear his mothers voice

Time to go to bed.

BED.

 

he misses that

                misses that

more than he can say

he hasnt a recording of her voice

how could he make that mistake

   he thought she was going to live forever

she promised

as a very little boy he was shaken by idea of death

Kiss your aunt goodbye your uncle  youll never see them again

returned to the pew where he sat with his parents

the final Wake ended

the coffin closed

he didnt see them again

he couldnt imagine not ever seeing his parents again

                                                       rushing into the kitchen where they were sitting talking crying uncontrollably he extracted the promise they wouldnt die

they promised

   she reneged

he wasnt able to fly home

Trumpvirus

his mothers wake her funeral her burial were the last performed by the Funeral Home the Church the Cemetery

he cant hear her voice in his head

occasionally her laughter

he lingers in his dreams

hoping shell show

four years

she hasnt yet

Czas isc spac.

time to go to bed

                  maybe 

maybe tonight

1232,  Reggaefriday,  23  2. 24

2118,  Saturday,  30  3. 24

film  The Five Pennies  Goodnight, Sleep Tight  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rStWBOcB1k

he listened couldnt believe what he was hearing

                                                          but he listened

      Tha it

Yeah. Yeah I said my piece.

Extraordinary attha

                       Yare way off the beaten path

I don’t think so.

No you woudnt 

It’s what she told me. 

In confidence

Confidence?

Confided

            You in the habit of revealin confidences

I’m explainin . .

. . You have no explanation

                               Unfortunately you continue don seem to realise thaya cant speak for her  Not to me Not to anyone  No amount of intimacy allows you tha anifya think so youre mistaken  Me ya have no credence an shoud anyone take you at wha she said Id have no respect for them either Those Im intimate with Id dare not speak for them

So man Shit out of luck in this neck of the woods

                                                        Your dogs treeing no coon

it wasnt part of his vocabularyhed heard of it but it wasnt something hed considered there was no reason he would

when it was said so supposedly confided

                                               the only thing that occurred to him was a someone bound to a wheelchair

a curious visual

   Again

You heard me.

I heard you but theres a dislocation It lacks continuity lacks truth   Wasnt uttered  If it had Id recall

Id definitely recall

   codependency

1415,  2sday,  19  12. 23

1549,  Saturday,  30  3. 24

Rockets From the Tomb  Ain’t It Fun  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLfT2b4sZ1w

Im confused  Why does it trouble you

                                         Flipside isnt encouraging unless youre a freaking believeran youre not

I’m uncomfortabl . .

. . Thas the name of the game Uncomfortable

                                                Reality man  Real  Anal   Tee

he sneered  For you.

Fuck you for you you too

                          Otherwise jump on your horse Exit Strategy an ride into the sunset  Adios muchacho

My horse Exit Strategy.   Cute.

Try to please

               But yare a hard man to please because youve been entitled all your life an this is one thing you want desperately but cant have yare denied as everyone else walkin the planet of which wholesale many have not enjoy whaya have

                Greedy prick

Yare shit out of luck

Embrace it

Id think by now you woud have

Senescence

   I heard you . .

. . It means

You know what it means.

As do you

            Tell me I want to hear it from your mouth

Really tryin’ to drive home your point.

I am damn right

                    I got a feelin ifya were one of those multibillionaires youd be spending your money on your immortality  Your immortality

Be a fuckin mythic vampire

   Yare not going to say

I’m . .

. . Senescence  The condition or process of deterioration with age

Embrace it

Better than the alternativeduh

William Hamilton

Yeah.

You know

I do.

Evolutionary biologist

Yes.

He expressed tha when he died imagine tha  when he died he wanted his body to be laid out in the Brazilian forest to be buried by the Coprophanaeus beetle

“They will enter, will bury, will live on my flesh; and in the shape of their children and mine, I will escape death. No worm for me or sordid fly, I will buzz in the dusk like a huge bumblebee. I will be many, buzz even as a swarm of motorbikes, be bourne, body by flying body out of the Brazilian wilderness beneath the stars, lofted under those beautiful and unfused elytra which we will all hold over our backs. So finally I too will shine like a violet ground beetle under a stone.”

   Elytra The tough forewings of beetles than protects the more delicate hindwings Your nodding but you didnt know the word

           You nod right so Ill shaddup

Yes.

See  We finally agree

4 or 5PM,  2sday,  13  2. 24

228preferred,  Saturday,  30  3. 24

Pere Ubu  Real World  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IViXvcmdKB4

William Hamilton:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3871365/#RSBL20130792C21

https://royalsocietypublishing.org/doi/10.1098/rsbl.2013.0367 

https://piercelab.oeb.harvard.edu/files/pierce/files/haig_hamilton.pdf 

   often he couldnt reverseengineer how he got to where he was because the road ahead was tortuous and he had to keep his eye on it

                    in the rearview mirror no one was gaining on him

he pumped the brakes

rolled easedover to the side of the road

                                           asked

Where have I been

along the roadside was a vibrator scattering pebbleskickinup dirt  must have been geared up to MAX

it was slick

it was shiny in the sunlight

looked like a fiftycalibre round onehunredthirtyeight millimetres long  fivepointfourthreethreezerosevenone inches though heftier girthier lengthier

                           slick  shiny

no offense should be taken

                           early 1880s Dr Joseph Mortimer Granville a British physician invented it for men to be employed on various body parts to treat pain spinal disease deafness? he suggested it could be used sexually on mens perineums to alleviate impotence coudnt convince him a few didnt take the plunge

had there been fine print on the packaging it might have suggested women particularly overly sensitive hysterical women

shouldnt use the vibratrode near their clitoris AS TO INCREASE THEIR HYSTERIA GREEK Origin  hustera – womb  GREEK  husterikos – of the womb  LATIN  mid17th century  hysteria

he had to admit he was somewhat distracted by vibratory hammers vibrohammers vibrodrivers impact drivers  had to shake them off but they didnt fall far from the tree like apples acorns an children

he switched the car OFF

adjusted his rearview mirror

took a good look

                  it began with exafference hadnt seen that word before

he began with Oxford Reference “The stimulation of an animal as a result of factors external to the animal itself. misspelled itself itsserf  serf being a slave servant menial villein thrall helot ceorl”

   a vibrator is a factor Xternal to stimulating an animal

                                                              although vibratrode is chicish  chichi

Oxford urged him to compare it with reafference hadnt seen that word before either  “. . . sensory signals that occur as a result of the movement of the sensory organ.”

there he was

on the side of the road

saw where he had been

                       Onward Ho!

Arya kiddin me

Woudya shaddup Nobody asked

Ya dragged me out here anya think yare over an out concluding with Ho

   Jesus  Hos an exclamation

An exclamation

Not your ho

Meaning

Really

Meaning

Ho Prostitute   Whore

An exclamation

Yah

     Look it up

   Maybe I will

Mebbe yaoughta

                   damn heshe shehe

1430,  Thursday,  1  2. 24

1227,  Saturday,  30  3. 24

https://iac.gatech.edu/news/item/631497/know-invention-vibrator-wrong#:~:text=Granville%20invented%20the%20vibrator%20in,hysterical%20women%3B%20rather%2C%20Dr.

https://royalsocietypublishing.org/doi/10.1098/rstb.2019.0764

Jesus Christ Superstar  What’s the Buzz/Strange Thing Mystifying  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-XbvDkA3Vk