late Christmasnight after a troubledsleepless early Christmasmorning  

                                                                        running last Christmas over and over and over and over then braking it with an epiphany  preceding Christmases had been very happy and joyous

everything last Christmas wasnt

he was somewhat proud he was able summons himself and make today better   better 

he felt beatup emotionally physically 

                                     anto put the day behind him  ease himself   ease his tension and mind  he ran a hot bath with blueberryginger rosemary oil Epsomsalts which he treated himself for Christmas  a gift  trying to be kind to himself

           that was out of character 

last Christmas was the last Christmas his daughter and mother had 

                                                                      despite their precarious health he didnt see that cominghe bought in hook line and sinker to their amazing optimism resiliency their deft mindsets that had always served them unveeringly  

when his daughter succumb his mother threw in the towel and died thirteen days later

two of the most powerful women in his life had died  he had yet begun to mourn his mother because his daughters death had been so traumatic 

                             sometimes hanging on by his fingernails he wondered why he bothered

ah  or maybe to soak in a hot bath BE KIND TO HIMSELF 

leftie and bomber wandered in  mused  then jumped up onto the tubs edge  Whassup? in their eyes and tentative crouches

Hey kids Checkin in on the old man

they might have heard him saying out loud Merry Christmas Aniela Merry Christmas Maw I miss you both terribly I miss being able to call you talk with you wish you Merry Christmas ask about your mornings your gifts  tell you how much I love you

                 he chuckled despite himself his mother was always in a frenzy making Polish specialties for monster breakfast lunch and dinners year after year for decades decades  Call later this evening, Joe, or tomorrow so we can get caught up, I really don’t have the time right now. Thats why I called Maw to give you a breath  Thank you, I’m breathing, talk with someone else. and she handed him off to one of his eight brothers or sisters

years on end they played that game

not this Christmas

the dialtone when he went to call them didnt sound when he picked up the telephone  he imagined The party you have called is unavailable. Please check the number and call again. 

                                                                that would have been really nice 

out loud to Aniela he admitted he was feeling guilty guilty   I know thats the wrong word but thats the only word that occurs to me right now I know I didnt do anything wrong so theres nothing to be guilty about   but thats how I feel 

I suppose itll have to be a placeholder  a placeholder until I have a better word  or until I arrive  progress   to a better place  Guilty 

leftie and bomber in turn nudged his shoulder 

                                                Yah guysyah  I know I know  Im being maudlinpitying myself  Pitifulhuh Thanks for calling me out Lemme melt away a bit then reconstitute before getting up and going to bed Deal  Suchadeal! they purred and jumped down onto the linoleum and casually wandered away taking him at his word they knew he needed someone to take care of they knew that they were giving him a quiet purpose a gentle reason for tomorrow and tomorrow 

                          and for tomorrows and months and years

 

late Christmas,  25  12. 20

1438,  Saturday,  26  12. 20

Bee Gees  I've Gotta Get a Message to You  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRV_7eEgobw

 

when you walked into a bar called Taps & Shots you better believe that whats on the otherside of the door is going to be interesting

the bartender was named Dog

the barmaids name is Catcher

Myron owned the joint and usually sat in the corner facing the door on a really nice red leather stool with a back and armrests  if he wasnt sitting there and the bar was full  no one sat in it  not that they were told not to  but ya had to be an idiot to think it was for you

                                    the other stools were stout industrial adjustable tripods topped with warmcoloured woodseats  casting a glance about the bar they were easily the warmest things in the bar in its stripped interior  roughcut studs exposed to two wallsbehind the bar and to the right  the wall you entered through and to the left were brick  the few windows without were glass and within barred like a jail cell                                                                                                                               it gave an impression that if someone was shot inside theyd play taps for you

 

he had been driving nineteentwenty hours and pulled off the interstate when he saw the LODGING NEXT EXIT on the shoulder 

there was one motel  a diner inside it 

he checked in

across the two-lane road in need of attention was Taps & Shots

coming through door to quench his parched throat quicklyeyeballing the place it humour him to think that the highway sign ought to have read NEXT EXIT EXIT   tripleX  not for the weak of heart or stomach 

                                                                                           immediately he felt right at home

he took a stool at the bar in the corner across from Myrons

he liked to see who was coming in too

Dog walked up to him to take his order  he was drying a glass 

Ya tryin to be gauche

Gauche?

Nevermind  he read the stitched namepatch on his right breast  Yare Dog

Appears you can read.

he shrugged his shoulders crossed his armshands on either bicephugged himself  Brisk in here

Yah whadayave? 

WAIT! He’s mine! Mine!  Dog looked through a narrow partition wall that was studs only as a barmaid came around it drying her hands with paper towels  Yaknow the next customer was mine.

Yawere  he snickered  indisposed.

I ain’t now, am I?

You are not. he turned to him  Buddy.he hated being called Buddy Catcher’s gotcha.

Catcher

How are ya?  sure enough  perched above her ample left breastleaning back her namepatch in stitchedscript read Catcher

Im parched  Thought Id wet my whistle grab a bite to eat an hit the hay

Where ya traveling from?

Montana

Yaah mountain man?

Live in the Bitterroots  Spose I am

Oh good, I like mountain men.mighty brisk repartee  Catcher made him smile Now . . Mister . . . whadayave?

What beers yahave on tap

Got Leinenkugel, Milwaukee Brewing, Lakefront Brewery, Bell’s Brown Ale, KarbenFour Oaktober, New Glarus Staghorn, it’s Fall yaknow, got Old Style, Bud . .

. .  New Glarus sounds like a kick

I’d give ya a kick. she smiled wickedly  he thought he could see the tips of her canines

Careful, Buddy, she’ll eat you alive. said Dog still drying the same glass

Thanks  he nodded at the glass  Waterspots

Huh?

The glass

It’s yours, warming it up for ya, Buddy.

Names Joe

Okay, Buddy.

New Glarus, Dog.  I herdim  Catcher had stepped a bit closer to him was he was lipping with Dog  Staying long, Joe?

Not so long

Well, ifya need company . . just saying.

I appreciate your hospitality

Aim to please.

the New Glarus tap was at the other end of the bar and as Dog poured he called after Catcher as she went to collect the beer  A whisky too please  Irish if you have it

I gotcha Joe.  she cast over her shoulder as she continued walking and went around the corner  she had a nice caboose

she set his beer and Irish down  Redbreast.

Good choice

Thank ya, ya strike me as a breastman. another voracious smile and canines definitely  Excuse me, Joe, girl’s gotta make her money.

Catcher walked back to Dog who stayed to that side of the bar

a couple walked in  a third and fourth entered  DOG!

Heya!  he set to work at drinks 

usuals he assumed

Catcher went behind the bar to help

softly  but that he could still hear over the murmur  Cat, ya gotta quit workin these guys.

I --  I can’t help myself; and nobody else can either. I think I’m an addict.

At dick?

So clever, Dog. she gently punched him in the arm

he was pouringhis pour remained true  I have my moments, but Buddy?

He a mountain man. I’m an addict.

You’re a riot.

she lit a cigarette and put it in Dog’s mouth  Maybe that’ll shut you up.

he moved his mouthworked the cigarette to between his teeth and grit them  A fuckin’ riot.

Fuckin’s right. she punctuated the right  Girl's gotta pay her bills.

But with every Tom, Dick, and Harry. Yaknow they’re liars.

We’re all liars. I’ll edumacate ya. I convince them to think they make me wanna give it up for them.

Seduction.

AwHell, seduction’s a lie. Don't forget.

the drinks were made and as Dog placed them on a workedmetal circular tray nice presentation  like a brandnew shiny penny Catcher stepped to the otherside of the bar to take them to serve

Seductions a lie he said to himself  Bright girl.     

2206,  Sunday – D-Day,  6  6. 93

1351,  Thursday,  24  12. 20

 

when he was struggling a rheumatologist insisted it was RA -- rheumatoid arthritis  he insisted that the doctor was full of shit

13 markers

              as they wound down the questionnaire and concluded he counted 3  the doctor counted 11

Doc How is it our assessments are so varied Did you not listen to what I was telling you

I heard you very plainly.

Plainlyyoull excuse me for saying so but you might have dirt in your ears Three is not eleven but were not doing a recount 

         You say RA An the treatment is what

the doctor elaborated on the names of three medications two which he blatantly wouldnt afford the remaining one was doable

We could submit a request to the manufacturers pleading for grant to reduce your financial burden.

Or doc we could tell them theyre raping patients and prettyplease knock their prices down

That’s not how it works.

Itd work that way if professionals such as yourself bellyached and government would get up off their hands an asses But thats not going to be for another time Ill take the script for the medicine

I can’t give you a script right now. You’ll have to go to the hospital and have tests run to create a baseline for me first.

A baseline Why

I need a baseline on your health, the health of your organs, so we can track your progress, or process, if you prefer.

The health of my organs Specifically what organs are you talking about they werent talking

Your internal or . . 

. . Donbeat around the bush doc

Your heart, kidneys, lungs . . 

. . Why

Why? Because this class of medication is known to affect them.

 

he was buying him time to explain the affects  if minor  if deleterious    the dead air in the examination room sounded like the static that played off old television tubes when he turned the set Off

 

Affects doc

Your organs can be damaged.

Why would I take something for RAwhich to me is nothing more than pain alleviate my pain at the expense to my organs

 

maybe he did have dirt in his ears

Nah doc save your script Ill negotiate the pain Comin in I thought mebbe I couldnt take it but youve assured me I can 

Ill show myself out Thank you for your time Ill not seek your help in the future

the specialist sat there he couldnt read his face hed bet the doc was a good poker player

 

it was a mean ten months three hot baths a day Epsomsalts lavender oil  his daughter who studied so that she and her family could be as natural as possible selected an array of vitamins and herbal remedies

they werent going to attack his organs

a mean ten months bilaterally assaulted asif he had a blowhole in the top of his head and was cut down to his anus a perfectly balanced attack How you feeling, Dad? Still uncomfortable Still painfully? Still uncomfortable baby only uncomfortable Not using the p-word You’re something else, Dad Thank you love With your help yare making me something else

 

he called it a remission he knew itd revisit  

 

during the worst of the uncomfortableness he hadnt words for it 

                                                                    he was reading Olga Tokarczuks Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead he made it a point to read Nobel Peace Prize winners for Literature Ms Tokarczuk had the words he lacked

“Whenever I find it hard to know what to do with myself, I imagine I have a zipper fastened in my belly, from my neck to my groin, and that I’m slowly undoing it from top to bottom. And thenI pull my arms out of my arms, my legs out of my legs, and takemy head off my head. As I extract myself from my own body, it falls off me like old clothes. Underneath them I’m finer, soft, almost transparent. I have a body like a Jellyfish, white, milky, phosphorescent. This fantasy is the only thing capable of bringing me relief. Oh, yes, then I am free.”

it also occurred to him that death could be the same

 

Thursday afternoon,  17  12. 20

1344,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  23  12. 20

he watched the Bee Gees documentary on Hulu and texted his daughter and brotherinlaw that he hadnt realised that they and he arrived in Miami simultaneously 

actually he touched them out he arrived in the Fall of ’74 they arrived ’75 at Claptons suggestion 

Clapton had just done 461 Ocean Boulevard his address which if he and his buddies had considered could have ridden up to Claptons neighborhood and knocked on his door

he texted  : :  HA . .this makes me remember the Fall of ’74 to mid-’76, a crazy drughazed era – Cindi pulled my ass out of the fire cuz, baby, I was spiraling ever higher . . higher . . anhigher . .  . I was the astronaut, the jester, anif I got away with it then others followed, but only after I returned . .

I looped a skein of black widow’s silk around my ankle and spun off to parts unknown

I like to think that I didn’t get anyone killed 

 :  :  though I really couldn’t say because I “knew” a lot of people . . I landed softly back on earth with Cindi’s help (she really had her hands full)

 

they didnt respond not even TMI  which they notoriously dideverything an acronym or short cut  abbreviated

                                                                                                                      not he

he explained he wrote everything out and plainly so there would be no misunderstandings  he didnt intend to abbreviate a single thing in his life if he could help it

Lifes too short as is

 

1755,  Twosday,  22  12. 20

1141,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  23  12. 20

 

Ritual quiet solemnity  Sssh.

he had only thought it

could she hear him think  Sssh. Please.

it was uncomfortablejust attending a wake is uncomfortable one would prefer doing something elseanything else

 

a closed coffin

he didnt get having a wake if the coffin was going to be closed

had he known he would only have attended the funereal

mourning

           ceremonial grief

isnt it enough that someone you loved or knew well has died griefs grief why ritualise it why show death off poorly   a closed coffin 

he never heard of a wake or funereal crasher 

                                                    hed heard of thieves reading obituaries to know when it might be best to break into the deceaseds house  opportunity doesnt always knock  it can break in too

 

A freakin closed cof . . 

. . Sssh. Please.  I asked you earlier, please.

he clear his throat 

                    Ya kiddin me

she tried to set him quiet with her eyes 

No no  Youll have to speak to me I cant read your thoughtsyour mind  Im unlike you

Please, keep your voice down.

This is the first Ive spoke I dont take kindly to being ssshed  who does

Could you show some respect?

Show me a body and Ill respect it all to hellwha the hell is this he died in his sleep he kept himself in shape a freakin nasty genetic disorder kills him anfor that we cant see himcant say goodbye to his face Wha rap it out in Morse Code on the lid

I can’t believe you’re carrying on like this. Keep your voice down.

It is down

Softer.

BECAUSE ILL WAKE THE DEAD Sssh  HE AINT ASLEEP AINT WAKING

My God, you’re embarrassing.

My buddy died I drove sixteen hours have a motel room for three days got Dressedup an I cant see his face one last time

You saw his face one last time when you last saw him alive.

Thats crap

Oh.  My.  God. 

                  she shook her head hopelessly which is different than one shaking their head with hope

Really OhmyGawd  You a Valley Girl

 

she walked away

she lived in town

she was a longtime friend of theirs

they stayed in townwhere they grew up

somebody would have had to shoot him in the head to keep him there

but hed be damn sure his coffin was open 

                                             AND PEOPLE COULD TALK anmebbe  raise the dead

Twosday afternoon,  15  12. 20

1532,  Twosday,  22  12. 20   

Zappa  featuring Moon Zappa  Valley Girl  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qb21lsCQ3EM

 

Flynn talks about declaring martial law in the swing states  Wisconsin  Michigan  Pennsylvania  Georgia  dont gulp 

so the Military as Flynn well knows stepped to the forefront and wrote unequivocally that they will not participate in such machinations 

could be crazy hobbling along mischief reigns states decide   anthen the only states under martial law are Red states because theyd want to flex their muscles 

flaunt their hypermasculinity 

                                Look at me Dear Leader! 

pretty picturehuh 

    

                        but it wont happen no matter how many times he clicks the heels of his ruby slippers together

 

he was excitedhe liked to say anxious but he was excited for the time when hed stop turn around and face whoever called him a socialist to casually reply Ya talkin to me cultist

socialists have their feet planted firmly on the ground

cultists swoon and drift dreamily on a sociopaths vulgar breath

make no mistake

                   the president has not been doing the countrys work since the election hes bunkered if he was better educated between rages he might recall that things didnt go so hot for a previous embattled bunkered world leader 

2311 or 1111,  Monday,  21 12. 20

https://www.npr.org/2020/10/11/922827554/gen-mark-milley-says-the-military-plays-no-role-in-elections

 

         he stumbled 

                                              he might suppose he was rocked

if there were people to point fingers itd be tough to deny

however there was only he an he thought  carefully 

                                                     anhe thought stumbled doesnt make rocked an not rocked he was going to have himself another three fingers an lollygag in a hot bath of Epsomsalts and lavender oil 

his daughter recommended it 

no one held a candle to his daughter 

                                    hed dare them 

                                                  anif daring meant a fight hed fight he didnt mind having skin in the game but fights these days somehow became fights to the deathkicking a man when he was downkicking him with steeltoed bootsstomping his head against the pavement  people feared if they let the other off lightly with just a beating that theyd come around again stab em in the back when they werent looking      

people today were a fearful bunch

that wasnt him

if he knocked a man down hed wait to see if he wanted to get up and resume the fight 

if not 

      hed turn his back and walk away  that dispute squared 

he could smell cowardice

it smelled like something rotting

maybe people hadnt smelled something dead in a while 

                                                          an shame the fuck on them

they ought to inhale a nose full

but theyre above thatbeyond that

 

or maybe their shit didnt stink

 

                                     how very Fortunate

  

2254,  Sunday,  20  12. 20

1553,  Monday,  21  12. 20

 

Dylans Lay Lady Lay played somewhere in his head somewhere behindbeyond a canaryyellow dog and its cinnamoncoloured head

it sat facing him on its haunches if it had a tail it didnt appear to either its left or right

it didnt seem a big dog  or a small dog

it wasnt aggressive  or curious

he wondered if it wasnt a statue

 

                                      then light builtup inside his dream and the dog  overexposed began to fade before it was utterly washed out it shivered and suddenlysat erect alert  maybe to a whistle or call he couldnt here and it leapt left disappearing out of the static frame he watched from 

                                                          he tried to follow it with his eyes but they slammed into the hard edge  it was his dream he should have been able to see itfollow it around the corner 

                                                                                          but apparently he wasnt letting it happen

he wanted to make a fuss but a dull buzz made him hold his tongue

he crossed others without a wit or thought of challenging them 

but there was something uncomfortable of crossing himself particularly when he was aware he was a spectator  he had no command

despite the dreamer was he 

usually he was lax

he did what he wanted

if things lookedappeared to careen badly he could chose to take the ride or turn either right or left

rarely did he put the brakes to himself

and because it was so rare he abided 

which chaffed him

he didnt like to abide or obey

he didnt like blinkers or restraints 

Christ this sucked 

                     and in the dogs place an overexposed couple a man and woman appeareddropped in like a slide  

he didnt know who they were

he couldnt see

they walked towards him hand in hand

but they steps never brought them any closer  

he wasnt stepping

like they were walking on a trendmill a hamster or rat wheel a rotor drum that whispered behind him and that he could scarcely see riding up behind them

a perpetual walk

they were talking

he couldnt hear them

he watched for what felt like an halfhour sudden flashes asif he blinkeda brilliant sharpfocus  then it was overwhelmed and swept under by fuzzy buzzingbee miasma and static

the dream  inert

 

fuck abiding 

               he woke

whats good for the goose is good for the gander

early Twosday morning,  15  12. 20

1620,  Sunday,  20  12. 20

You hold a very special place in my heart. 

he didnt doubt it 

it was truly wonderful to be reminded however 

                                                  she too held a place in his heart  his wife knewhis girlfriend knows  he told them that the only women outside his family he ever said I love you to were them

he didnt use love as some guys didthinking it the keythe access to womans body so they could satisfy their lustmake no mistake it was lust  it was manipulation 

                                             Yacant masturbate 

I don’t masturbate. I don’t touch myself. You some kind of freak?

Evidently Id pleasure myself before Id lie to a wo . . 

. . Lie? Tell ‘em you love them to get in their pants ain’t lying.

Hows that  in your mind

I’m making love to them.

That isnt making love

It is. 

Lemme ask  If they reject your advancethey say No

You know they don’t mean it. 

Whadaya mean when you say No

That’s different.

Anif a women resists your  charms   yathink they like it rough

Don’t know if they like it rough, but the struggle, the back and forth, convincing them, makes it more interesting, more fun, cuz you know in their heart that if they say No they’re saying it more so to, you know, protect, keep their honor, saying No doesn't necessarily mean No, it means they aren’t easy. A woman doesn’t want to be known as easy or loose. 

Ill bet yare easy

Excuse me?

If a woman comes on to you  I’m on it  An yadon touch yourself   ever You said she wanted it! I think you do but you think its unmanly to say soto admit it  I don’t. he grimaced at him like a dog pulling at its chain if the chain snaps does the dog come on he sized him up let him come

Man, the way you look at things is all screwed up; bet you don’t get laid enou . .

. . You do You get laid You make love enough I masturbate because I cant get enough of the woman I love

I tucker her out

What’s to tucker out?

Yare a lovely guy yaknow that

frankly he didnt know why he bothered to engage him  he turned his back on him and walked away 

 

a special place in ones heart becomes apparent

                                                   sooner or later

2ish,  Reggae Friday,  18  12. 20

1229,  Sunday,  20  12. 20

 

he texted :  :  Hey, babe! Im engrossed in Netflix’s The Professor and the Madman -- Mel Gibson Sean Penn – the creation of The Oxford English Dictionary   

 :  :  Ooooh – that sounds completely up your alley!

 :  :  Ohshit  up and around and down and shotthrough my alley – a very beautiful story, though I am unsurprised . . words are paint, they are razors, bats, they are gentle caresses . .. they are our tongues, our fingers, our nerves

 :  :  Beautifully said, Dad…

 :  :  I am moved, it seems I’m easily moved these days, sensitive, walking on glass . . . however, I am aware of every step, love

 :  :  How are you? I love you and miss you…

 :  :  Goodness, I love you and miss you so very much

 :  :  Walking on glass – did you have that sensation before?

 :  :  I’ve been walking on glass since Aniela died . ..  this is my grief; I am aware of its steps . . .  I remember my steps when Mom died

 :  :  Oh – I see – that makes sense.

 :  :  I am sorry for your pain, though I think how very fortunate we are to have shared in Aniela’s life, and will celebrate it until we can no longer – we will tell her stories and keep her alive; not that her fire can ever be wetted, quelled . . . .  I am eternally grateful for Aniela and for you – without sounding prickish, I must say Mom and I knocked it out of the park when you two were born

 :  :  Again – beautifully said.

 :  :  Let’s just admit we’re beautiful, eh?

 :  :  I’m so very thankful that you guys gave her to me as my sister. She was quite the teacher.

 :  :  I believe Aniela too would thank Mom and I for gracing her with you, her “little” sisterHA

 :  :  Agreed.

 :  :  We could be accused of being Vain – emailing you an appropriate song, love

 :  :  Haha – Carly Simon?

 :  :  Hahaha  you know it!

 

2222,  Reggae Friday,  18  12. 20

Carly Simon  You’re so Vain  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cleCtBP0o5Y

he buried a wee bird in his backyard today under a sun penetrating the grey mist of a lying sky

                                                                                                    thered be no rain

it was California

he found the little beast on his front porch last year

it had been batted aboutfeathers scatteredbirdshit smeared by two ferals who cornered it between the front wall of his house and a bushel basket 

                              the bushel basket he laid a blanket in for the comfort of one of the cats seven years ago

much can be made of wild instincts

Yes words came and stuck in his earsWalk away  This is hopeless  This is Natural    Walk away

he didnt heed his advisecouldnt help himselfhe interceded  he scooped the bird up

                                                                                       it collapsed in his hands without fret

it was small a nestling perhaps fallen out what struck him was how large its feet were

 

he carried it inside the house and placed it in a shoebox and set it atop of his refrigerator uncovered  he set inside it a small shallow pan filled with water then went back outside and walked the perimeter of his yard beneath the trees surrounding his house looking for a nest or for anxious birdsdistraught parents or a hen

it was fruitless

returning to the house he found three of his indoor cats prowling around an upholstered chair just inside and left of the front door

           he draped a Mexican blanket over it because it was a threadbare seventy years old a mustardcoloured swiveledrocking chair he held his girls in when they were babes

                                                                     he didnt let memories escape easily

beneath the chair he found the nestling

it leapt from on top the frig to the linoleum six feet below and either found its way beneath the chair or found it haven to escape his cats

the later he assumed 

                     there was a smattering of birdshit and feathers as evidence

it collapsed again in the hold of his hands as he scooped it up

he went outside directly 

                           handcuffed      responsible  

the nestling shook uncontrollably

he could relate

at least he had a jackknife to defend himself 

he slashed at hands and arms

had they come nearer he would have stabbed

they back away

they said theyd remember himremember his face 

                                                  asif hed forget theirs 

the nestling trembling the whole time suddenlyspasmed rolled fitfully onto its backarched threefour times 

                                                                                                                 and died

 

died

he wept at its hopelessness

wept 

        that it didnt have a knife to defend itself

2330,  Thursday,  17  12. 20

1123,  Saturday,  19  12. 20