31.8.20


there was a painting on the wall in the utilityroom den
                                                          a room that to his mind should have been left outdoors if the intent from the get-go was to incorporate it into the house halfass

he had been a carpenter

it piqued him with its shoddiness the poor glazing abysmal insulation ill electrical  maybe if the subcontractors were blindworked with their eyes closed they could be proud of their effort


he didnt like the room but he had to go through it to get to the backyard


the painting on the wall he tried to allow that it was the rooms redemption  he had to try very hard
                                                                                                          but it only became harder when he learned to story of the painting


it was hung on the wall offcenter right acrylic on canvas a gloss laminate to pop the colours was applied when the family – they painted it together – decided it was finished

a gorgeously rendered blue feather like an ethereal broad spearhead floated in the upper righthand corner tantalising slight maroon ribs adorned it

his daughter painted it
                         she told him that beside it were three other feathers but they were obliterated overpainted by her zealous youngest daughter who preferred to smear paint than paint he liked to smear paint with his hands and fingers but she smeared and worked her palette to nearly black a deeply bruised pinkpurplish swirl
she consumed two of the three feathers his daughter painted

the third one her eldest daughter whited-out before she painted over it

the two had at the painting unsupervised while his daughter was helping tend to the birth of a Gypsy Vanner

her elation at the colts birth was sorely diminished when she returned home to learn her portion of the canvas was violated

it was understood the painting quartered the girls had the lower half because they were shorter

they dragged a diningroom chair to the playroom where the painting hung and stood on it

he supposed his daughter forgave them
                                           audaciously they said their mother just quit painting  She could have painted them again NO It was her portion of the canvas and you both knew it

the girls didnt like him much

he didnt treat them like children
                                   why would he he knew they were intelligent and greedy they used their childhood as leverage they seemed to forget he raised their mother who was intelligent and never greedy
the disconnect was stunning


the childrens lower half of the canvas was a fascinating display of haste and possession if they couldnt have something to themselves they despoiled it



left across from the surviving feather was a goldcoloured orb arced with cobaltblue and applegreen concentric fibers which occasioned to thicken and form ribs without rhyme or reason almost band-like as they wind outward
                                                                                                                 at its center is a hazel eye which refuses to look at the feather

towards the left edge from the orb lazes a thick graywhite snot that erodes and is heavily interspersed with bright applegreen forming a kind of optic nerve 

beneath the orb untouched unmired by the girls is a muddiedgreen anatomical heart seeded like a pomegranate fruit
the seeds the colour of a pomegranate


it is a difficult painting to say I like it
                                        he adored his daughters featherher execution liked his soninlaws make-up artists eye and small distinct portions of his granddaughters marled and suffused greed 

the painting emoted


the best thing it did was distract him from the rest of the room as he walked through it

1011,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  26  2. 20
1217,  Moanday,  31  8. 20

it had to be a bad jokea really sick joke
                                        he kept waiting to wakesomeone to pinch him kick him viciously in the shins

it was terribleis terrible to know  to NO! say it aint so

but evidence says otherwise
                             rationaleReason says Ixnay Ya got no abracadabra  no juice
NA
DA


heknew
       he was looking for a way out 

a rabbithole

a looking glass

theyd be nice

rather

beautiful
         it would be beautiful
he could close his eyes
                         break his nose walking into a street sign
                                                                   he would if he could stop what was coming

he broke it three times

eyes wide open

saw it coming

why play blind manblind men dependent on others were dressed like clowns

thats the tip the tell
                      dressed like a polack theyre blind  nothing to guess



this was shit

there was nothing to be done other than see it through to its bitterbitter heartbreaking end


he could see it off in the distance
                                   at the start
inevitable

but he wantedbadly that somewhere in between shed catch a break
                                                                          that the end wasnt part of a continuum


HAah he fooled himself




when really slapped in the faceseeing stars he looked for a fall guy
                                                                       looked to blame
but this cat was wearing his shoes Nice shoes he talked to himself

he willingly deluded himself to help her fight for her life because she firmly believed she would win out
                                                                                                             she usually did


they broke his heart

0124,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  26  2. 20
1439,  Sunday,  30  8. 20
Big Head Todd and the Monsters  Circle  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVhS_zSVFN8

30.8.20


it was eight minutes later 10:06 AM 

his cellfones log Missed calls read 09:58

he scribbled it on a piece of paper to memorialise it because it caught his attention like a bright shiny object

he knew of himself if he poked and prodded hed eventually remember the eight minutesthe times
                                                                                                      he wasnt his mother who still didnt bother to keep a small spiral notepad and pen near her to jot things down if they occurred worthwhile to her in the moment


he called her back

eight minutes later
                     Whassup Maw

Oh hi, Joe.

Hey Maw yacalled

I called?

Yah

I called you?

Yah You called me Sounded like you had something on your mi . .  
. . I don’t know, I don’t remember, I don’t remember why I called you.

Not at allhuh

No.

Maybe yasaw something  Are you in the same room when you ca . . 
. . I don’t remember calling you.

I dont want to upset you . . you called me eight minutes ago . . would you guess eight minutes ago youre where you are now Maybe you were in a different room

his parents had multiple telephones throughout their home two levels two livingrooms two kitchens fivethousand square feet

No. I’ve been sitting here in the family room. I haven’t left it.

Okay Maybe I crossed your mind and you just wanted to check insay Hi

No. I don’t think you crossed my mind, I can’t remember, my brain’s a mess, it’s all mashed up, I’m all discombobulated.

Discombobulated Thats a great word Maw six syllables most people dont even know it Your brain cant be so mashed up if you have six syllable words coming out of your mouth

No.  You wouldn’t think so, would you?  Joe. I’m a mess, I’m upset.

How can I help Maw
                      his sister mentioned to him that her daughter believed her grandmother was suffering from undiagnosed Alzheimer’s Shaddup maybe venomous  his niece saw her grandmother once in a blue moondidnt call hed been talking with her on the telephone a couple hours a crack practically once a week for years OH shes a librarian like he wanted to hear her learned diagnosis  Shaddup woudja



discombobulated
                   he wasnt he looked out into the backyard and watched wild birds splash and bathe in the shallow end of his daughters swimming pool

absently he asked her You use this much

Excuse me?

Your pool Use it much

Not much.

Clean it yourself

No. Have somebody who does.

Pretty expensive bird bath




discombobulated
                   Maw Do you think you remember an use discombobulated because Dads name Bob is in it

she laughed worry went out of her voice Oh, Joe, that’s choice, I’ll have to remember to tell him that.

Got your pad
               Write it down

0958,  Monday,  24  2. 20
1253,  Sunday – Tolzs birthday,  30  8. 20


a simple sawhorse 


You want a job?
                  the sawhorse was his distinction  his high bar  a good carpenter can build a stout sawhorse inside fifteen minutes

There’s the twobyfours. You got your tools. I got my watch. You let me know when you’re ready.

Awright

Alright? You’re ready?

Yah

Okay. On your mar . . 
. . Wait a second Seriously On your mark

Yes. I know. My wife hates it too, but my daughters think it’s a scream.

A scream

You said you were ready, right?

No I side with your wife I don’t care for it either
                                                    Cant you just say Go

You want a job? You’d be working for me. What I say flies.

he nodded he didnt say hed let him assume that his nod was acquiescence

Alright then; my wife wants a marriage too.
                                              It’s a small concession in the big scheme of things.

Good point

It is, not to put too fine a point on it.  I’m the boss.
                                                     You work for me.

I hear you

Okay. You ready?


I am

Okay.

On your mark. Whas a mark

Get set. he really despised countdowns

GO!


timed to build a sawhorse

he could do it in his sleep

a thing of function and basic beauty

efficient
          as anything is that hasnt moving parts




his boss learned later once he insinuated himselfworked on all crews became a valued cog an asset known that not everything he said flied

0900,  Monday,  24  2. 20
1050,  Sunday,  30  8. 20
Blood, Sweat & Tears  Spinning Wheel  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbRR0WjMqEk    



her heart dragged her brain behind it took it out for a wild ride a wicked crack-the-whip and screamed Hold on! We ain’t stopping til we run out of gas!
                               then slyly smiling over its shoulder it said Oh my goodness, appears we have a full tank.

he didnt hear what her brain cried back
                                          its voice was lost in the growl of hearts enginethe squealing tires burning rubber


her heart though  misjudged the strength of her brainits grasp  there was no shaking it

watching them go as they sped off he wondered who was taking who for a ride

0834,  Monday,  24  2. 20
1348,  Saturday,  29  8. 20

29.8.20



the heroin made her think she was going to die


he looked her hard in the eyes
                                Talking from experience baby Youre seeing weird shit Remember its the heroin Its not thereYoure here with me Im with you  Youre safe   Youre in a safe place

Im not going anywhere I wouldnt be anywhere else in the world

she panted high in her chest

she sputtered she could handle it

he held her hand

he had his doubts


she paid a steep price for the pop

she poked a virgin vein

her eyes darted wildly about the room
                                       Comon stay with me Pleasant thoughts baby keep your head  Quiet   Calm Nothing but calm cool thoughts kiddo  See  and  feel  good things


he was a nice guy  
                  had always been a nice guy to her a friend   he wouldnt do anything to cross their friendship

shed been saying she wanted to try it

he put her off

she let herself be put off

he thought he talked some sense into her head
                                                but she wanted to try it 
she found itgot raked over the coals

he could have got her a better pricesent her in the right direction  her decision

he wasnt going to turn her on

hed help with the paraphernalia the cook

but he wasnt going to turn her on


the ways her eyes went around the room spooked him

he looked over his shoulder more than once expecting something to be therehave materialised

but she was quiet contained   though frightened


if he was a betting man hedve bet on this

a bad trip tends to disincentivise

he tried he tried hard  subtly


he understood her

she learned by doing

he was happy that she came to him to get high 
                                                 very happy

hed be her safe haven until she got back
                                           unfortunately scratching at the back of his skull like a feral cat at a wood post was another woman he knew who he tried to dissuade who ODed who stayed away from him because he did I can’t trust you. You can trust me You don’t want me to do it. I dont want you to do it I . think it will trouble you I wanna do it. You can’t stop me. No . I cant

No . I cant


No . I cant
            that hurt years ago still goes deep 


the bruise wont lessen if ever until he leaves the city

2130,  Sunday,  23  2. 20
1216,  Saturday,  29  8. 20



she had an imaginative mind

sometimes it took her places she didnt want to go but she went anyway

which isnt to say that she couldnt turn her mind away set off in another direction

if telling stories to entertain her little sisters and brothers hadnt fallen to her
                                                                                maybe she would have struggled

if any one of the used stationwagons her father bought to tow the family around had workable radios in them
                                                                                                                    maybe she would have struggled

she had an inkling her father used the broken radios as leverage to drive down the price

with every broken car radio

with every weekend visit across state lines

with every late departure returning home

Dad caffeinated

shots and beers suppressed

she became the radio  the entertainment

the kids piled into the wagon and snuggled up together

Mom and Dad sat in the dark on the benchseat her mother would slide over and rest her head on her fathers shoulder
maybe thats what they looked like when they were dating when he took her home or they watched a Drive-In movie

no sooner had the car pulled onto the road off the crushed stone drive her father would say 
                                                                                                Whadayasay, Millie? Tell us a story? like clockwork

What would you like to hear? A nice story, a scary one; a love story?


Millie loved to tell stories impossible stories
                                                her characters were always animals
she loved love stories



when she was older high school later in college she solicited love letters for five dollars apiece for stupid boys who spuriously had jeopardised their relationships

with their particulars known she crafted them and the boys rewrote in their own hand

she wrote them their love story
                                 and sometimes the boy reading itreading it to make sure he could read her handwriting broke into tears 
                  that was her favourite part

she liked to make boys cry


2042,  Sunday,  23  2. 20
1104,  Saturday,  29  8. 20



Rest in Peace  R I P
                     thats a crock of shit                        
that aint peace

yare dead
           
               peace and death are not synonymous

yawanna say piece and death
                               then mebbe were talking
                                                               but certainly not peace


death finds us all
                   an terribly unfortunately  not always peaceably
war

murder
         hmm theres a difference  although the State might insist there isnt

accidents

illnesses

suicides



peace and death
                   mebbe for an entitled old man or woman living well in their house who dies in their sleephe could buy into that
           though that will probably happen fewer an furthur apart than we might think in the future


1852,  Sunday,  23  2. 20
2201, Reggae Friday,  28  2. 20

28.8.20



he spent nearly the entire winter in LA inside
                                             pretty fucking incredible

because it was intimate for the most part only four of them he couldnt say if many in LA also did

he assumed they were very exclusive

after all  LA touts its exclusivity
                              its enclaves  the Hills its Hollywood Santa Monica Calabasas  like Montecito north



he didnt like cities


after he left and people understood hed been in LA for the winter they asked him what he thought of it

I didnt

You were in LA for months; you should obviously have an opinion.

Obviously

You were there for months.

My opinion would be uninformed I dont bray like an ass about things I dont know  But if push were to come to shove . .

ah  that got their attention

. . Id say  it aint he began singing My kind of town . . L A aint my kind of town . L A aint my kind of razzamatazz nor does it have . . .
                   Got me  to culminate the effect he narrowed his eyes menacingly
Yaknow how we can often break into Broadway tunes or welknown songs that can sing for usexplain for us better than we can say Though not so many off the radio  unless once upon a time pirated radio  but that aint happening no more

Balls in your court


bright people let the ball lay 

usually walked away

0619,  Sunday,  23  2. 20
1646, Reggae Friday,  28  2. 20
Sinatra  My Kind of Town  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iK_CL7sr018




he wrote



he remembered


he fictionalised

to distrack himself

to remove part of himself

to save
            save it from the scorching  the pain  the lacerations

so that into that part he could escape

anyes not escape


it was a poor defense mechanism

but writing had always been a good mechanism to be
                                                           annot to be

0316,  Thursday,  20  2. 20
1048,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  26  8. 20
Stones  You Can’t Always Get What You Want  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dfYcQ_r_x8