he caught the effervescent dance of a butterflys shadow on the polishedconcrete coffeeshop floor where it appeared to sliplose its footing careenwildly haphazardly between the round café tables the hard sharpedged chair legs between oblivious patrons flitting across their shoeleather strapped sandals laced gymshoes

                                                                                          people turned with their drink in hand stepping on it but the shadow instantaneouslypainlessly came up through their feet to playing at their laces buckles flaps

he sighed

           he was grateful it couldnt be smashedgrateful when it alighted on the shelved brownbagged pounds of beans and casually deliberately stretchedflexed its wings which paced the beating of his heart

                                                                                                    he smiled

at least something else was deliberately taking a pause

                                                           he felt a kinship with the lepidoptera O pterodactyl

he laughed outloud disturbed the table of cackling women beside him whose breathless conversations were of either a soap opera The Voice Dancing with Stars or some other bullshit that aired the night before  its drama was their drauma

he disturbed a clutch of young men at another table who were strugglingnoisy with their Fantasy pro basketball picks evidently pro football picks has metastasized they had money riding on the outcomes

                                                                                           then

the shadow of the white butterfly he saw it through the plateglass window departed  he stoodtook his off the floor and left disappointed by the tables entertainments which had breathlesslyinsinuated itself into their lives necessary  perhaps required  had become a living thing

                                         which was the parasite

Reggaefriday,  18  11. 05

1515,  2sday,  21  11. 23

Reznor & Ross  Eventually We Find Our Way  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6i2qpf8LhQ

ouroboros

            thasawesome  4 Os 

2 nights back 4 Os exploded from her throat when she went off Oooohfuck awwbaby she moaned  Oooohya got me good babe got me good her head backspine archedhands clenching a fistful of hairYAHhe got her he meted her beat rhythm synched his tongue nose chin gently teeth to her unabating grind 

   the tension finally went out of her neck her chin came forward she relaxed  she lookedlazily at him between her thighs madgrinning

Ouroboros  to himself he always listened to himself  a few others Arya really gonna bitch ifya go out where ya came in Im not I didnt want to knockup anybody get stuck paying for an abortion get shackled in a bad marriage dance with parents who may have been against I disagree  You’ll shut up she’s our daughter.  Abortion is murder.          

Nobody ought to get stuck with something they don want

I bought condoms it was a rite of passage drugstore kept them behind the counter had to ask a pharmacist 

Thank you. 

                No.

You said we coudnt have sex without a rubber

                                                  I agreed

I changed my mind.

If I may

            Why

   God doesn’t approve.

he didnt restrain the wag of his head Who

I’m serious. I’ve given it thought.

                                   God doesn’t approve.

Im not having sex with Gawd

Ouroboros  to himself  Ive know assknow pussy there was a time when I didnt know either  If this is where it ends me by myself

           Im cool    Ouroboros

2053,  Sunday,  19  11. 23

1011,  2sday,  21  11. 23

Reznor/Ross  Please Take Your Hand Away  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypyNyfExz58

Richard Slotkins Regeneration Through Violence

                                                     a heady title not a book he could have through his library

unfortunately books he wanted to read were becoming increasingly rare an more so with the advent of ebooks audiobooks others  rather than physical texts

                                                  he was a physical text

not a sleeve to be emptieddeposited  refilled

said of the book “. . . persuasive and eloquent arguments made for including and remembering, rather than for merely giving focus to or encoding crucial historical experience . . .”

                                                                 American mythology  which many take as gospel truth  it aint            

Slotkin utilised an epigraph from D. H. Lawrence his Studies of Classic American Literature tha is an ebook through his library SURPRISE

“But you have there the myth of the essential white America. All the other stuff, the love, the democracy, the floundering into lust, is a sort of by-play. The essential American soul is hard, isolate, stoic, and a killer. not to be celebrated if one is an American  It has never melted.”

                                    American mythology

the reason of this preamble is to understand how he got to Joseph Conrads quote which chilled him “death illuminated by unresponsive eyes”

from John Scalzis Old Man’s War:

“And there’s just one of me again.

The other me. I can tell because I’m no longer staring at the new me anymore, I’m looking at the old me.

And it stares at me likes it knows something truly strange has just happened.

And then the stare seems to say ‘ I’m no longer needed.’

And then it closes its eyes.”

                               in the Old Mans case transference rather than death however the lonely uninhabited body shell has died  expired  is meat

                                          whahave you

“unresponsive eyes” got him

tossed him to the grim lions inside himself for the unresponsive eyes hes beheld

he might not be – though unlikely – not be as twisted if the eyes were those of strangers rather than people he loved

sometimes

              he just had to say it outloud

set it down

be unburdened

   it will still be there to carry after he composed himself  rested

Reggaefriday,  19  8. 05

1131,  Monday,  20  11. 23

https://www.google.com/books/edition/Regeneration_Through_Violence/552NfCm3-WwC?hl=en&gbpv=1&pg=PA3&printsec=frontcover

things can aggregate or come apart when playing

                                                      he was a dabbler dauber   amused

commence  seedling  ripe with possibilities

                                                 seedling  seedy  seedyling seedylings

seeddysling  see-eddy-slings

seedyslings – coudbe porn  coudbe belittling posts

see-eddy-slings – tha thawoud come off an eddy  he imagined shotput or disc anything expelled from a vortex

                                                                                                                     playing

yearlings

yearnlings

starlings

starelings – voyeurs

startlings – upset by voyeurs

                                 playing

deepbreath

attic

antic

addict

edict

panic

frantic

frenetic

freenergetic – free energetic

freegenetics

freeeugenics

freergenetics

freehermeticism

freehermit

freemimetic

freed

freed of greed

                     now he was really playing

Reggaefriday,  19  8. 05 (might suppose better late than never)

1005,  Monday,  20  11. 23

You remember triple scoop icecream cones?

   terrible such an innocent question would have him careen off the trackthe straight an narrow

                                                                                                      I do

You don’t sound enthusiastic.

I his mind was running away with the balltakin it goin home didnt fall over myself for an icecream cone he tried to play nice  Sugar or cake

Cake.

Sugar One scoop as yasay  I called it a dip he could hear him running away his gymshoes too big his Maw said it was alrighthed grow intoem  they had been his big brothers

Dip? 

Triple dip

            You sounded inclined

Yeah yabetcha

                 What single scoop was possibly plenty?

How many flavours

Flavors?

The icecream shops name

Thirtyone Flavors?

It was Thirtyone

What were you thinking?

Twentynine

Why would you think that?

Wasnt a fandidnt pay much attention

How could you not be a fan of icecream

I liked shakes malted more

                             Except for one  I don think it was called icecream  An ice I thinkyah  Daiquiri Ice  Pretty lightpaleblue Tasty  Occasionally I had one of them

One scoop?

Dip he needed to get off this subject   Arya getting off   Ya gotta say tha

Scoop.

Whaever You don say thaya gettin impatient   Ya know wha Im thinkin   I do

Why do you call it a dip?

Shes killin me   Tell her   OhHell no

Hmm?

I was told it once An I really liked it

                                       In particular Thawas a triple dip You goin there   I am not           

So you’ve had three.

I have

Daiquiri Ice?

Nah

   No?

No 

    crazy partycrazy everybody he rolled in after the wheels had come off the ride people were fucking on the couch on the floor place smelled like sex he inhaled deeply through his nose FUNK a gal on the floor reachedup grabbed him by the thigh her voice sexhusky Suck your cock Yah by the time he unbuttoned his 501s she was on her kneesfumblin with his briefs yanked em down took him in her mouth made his cock sound delicious slurped like it was a melting popsicle this other chick walksup There you are? he looked at herdidnt know her Not you my sister crazy bitch. she wore a ribbed white dago-T stripedblue panties he tuggedtweaked her nipple Ouch ohbaby. he tugged againOuch yanked her dago-T aside grabbed her breast from below like holding a melon in his palm What?  Great tit her nipple was hard her aureole swollen her breast full Triple dip, lover, a triple dip.  he indulged

   No?

Not Daiquiri Ice

9PM,  day-between-2-Ts,  15  11. 23

1158,  Sunday,  19  11. 23

Im giddy

You’re high.

Im giddy high

You’re going to get ridiculous aren’t you?

No

    Thoughtful

No. That’s you ridiculous.

Im riddled with thoughts

Riddled.  Riddler.

                   I can’tshe can’t he motioned to her sittingslouching on the couch she was screaming high follow you.

Its not about following

                         Use my thoughts as a springboard to thoughts of your own

he held his handschest high surrendering

                                             I cant keep up and therefore nothing occurs to me. turning sideways to her To you babe?

Huuh?

When he starts rambling. Can you follo . .

. . Not follow

he kept rolling Again. Babe. When he starts rambling can you follow himdoes anything occur to you off his nonsense. turning back towards him You must understand a lot of what you sayya act out is nonsense, don’t you?

Obviously A matterthe difference between chaff an seeds Winnow  Im being spontaneousthrowin shit at the wall ansee wha sticks

              Anwhynot I get high my brain seethes  You get high she gets high ya get dumb

We relax.  Rightbabe?

Huuh.

My brain goes soppywet  Excretes

                                     You invited me I can walk if you cant keep up  More a matter of being receptive When you get high I’ll let you talk for her you don get receptive

Sure we do.

There ya go

             So now you tell me

Tell you?

Be my springboard

I . . I wouldn’t . . . what do you expect me to say? Tell?

Sumptin anything

   Do you want to flog

What?

Flog

       Frog Flag Fuck Foe Pho Foreigner Fan Flame Raging Too hot to handle    Occurred to me that said quickly or mumbledflog fuck sound a lot alike an Id want to be damn sure wha I was getting myself into if I enthusiastically agreed  but to flogging FUCK

   I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Cuz yaneed a good floggin

   What did you say?

See

     The difference between day an night pleasure pain Get onboard the train shes leavin the station GO DAISY CHAIN

1531,  Reggaefriday,  17  11. 23

1028,  Sunday,  19  11. 23

Prince  The Daisy Chain  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1tW8ja3QG4

abruptly

         I don’t know. 

Yadidnt give it a moments thought

                                        Give it a second

No. Whatever I will think will be wrong.

Wrong he shook his headdismayed

                                     Its not a matter of right or wrong

It’s how you roll.

How I . . I disagree thas your thinking

                                           Wha are you thinking

I think the answer to your question is either right or wrong, anya like being right. My answer will be incorrect.

   So no . . I don’t know what’s better than waking up beside a beautiful woman.

You gonna tell me?

imploring  opening his hands plaintively on his thighs as they sat across from each other  Id like you to mull it over

No mulling. I’ve no consideration at all.

Two

      Woud tha be cringingsarcastically his voice rising the right answer 

 

0655 – something about those 5s these past three days,  Sunday,  19  11. 23

0930,  Sunday

Foreigner  I Want to Know What Love Is  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVOd3umzelg 

Rodrigo Rodriguez  Come Back  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSZaqwzgwqU

over the top of shooting pool there was a whole lotta rigmarole going on

friend kept pointing to the sign over the cuesticks

                                                      More chalkin’

                                                       Less talkin’ 

there would have been less talking had the third of their threelegged stool shot cutthroat

Didya know this game is also called three-man-screw

No. she said Are you giving me an excuse to sit out so you two can play 8ball?

Youre certainly no man . .

. . No, she aint . . 

. . Ya interrupted me

he looked a tad sheepish 

                            but they were high

thasaid he was probably the highest because he didnt get loaded as they frequently did

                                                                                             as a matter of fact the last time he really bingedreally banged the wall was when he was a college English major at Miami studyingcreativity didnt suffer if he was stoned and he had met this cute little number who was gaga over him who had access through her boyfriend – YahBoyfriend – to outlandishoutstanding hash don get high on your supply she laid grams on him without cash upfront to cover the purchase

                                     evidently he was a good at sales had a line of bullshit longer than both his armsknuckles locked round an round we go in the circle of his arms like a snake eating its tail ouroboros look at all those fuckin Os cyclic how could he misshe couldnt

                                                 shed lay twenty grams on him he sold fifteen kept five covered what she fronted him and had plenty of greenplenty hash unfortunately plenty ran out when Boyfriend caught wind of his girlfriends wet panties he didnt touch her he didnt touch her he did not touch her but motherfuckershed masturbate in the car sitting beside him then hand stickyfingers et alia grams of hash off to him

                                                                                        Awcome on, baby, you don’t want some of this?

I do I do I do  but mixing pleasure with business bad bad BAD idea

I’m bad, my idea. shed holdwiggled her fingers before his face pleasantscent  upped the coercion bring her hand back and Mmmm sucked her fingers

Youll excuse me gotta book he polevaulted out of her car

                                                            she was crazy

he called her Nitro  small bundle thacould blow him to Kingdom Come – Yahdouble entendre – was delicious hash until it wasnt

. . Ya interrupted me

What? he cringed

Stuff the attitude man youre losin at pool an gettin testy Aint gonna help your game

                                                                                          An Im high  Thasaid

Whawoud ya call a game with two men an a woman

Jesus, what are you talking about?

Talkinbout three-man-screw

Three-man-screw?

   Cutthroat

               Menge a trois 

Jesus! she erupted she was into her religion

                                                they werent

if she wanted to come unglued theyd send herNO

                                                      they woudnt

he woud hed send her packing she was as necessary as an ashtray in a NO SMOKING lounge

                                                                                                      but Buddy he thought he was playing the long game

it was no-game

but he was into her

Enough, man.

Howstha

You want to keep it clean.

Were adults  I think

                      I don know  Which brings us back to my earlier remar . .

. . Your mouth is always going.  What remark is that?

he looked at her

                  Whad I have you write down first

she leaned forwardpicked up the clipboard off the coffee table before the loveseat

                                                                                      Stuff it in like putty.

Yah

Yahwhat? he said

                     You say something like that like we’re supposed to follow your thinking.

I didnt ask you to follow I just wanted her to get it down since I was shooting she not interested in menage de troi . .

. . Would you quit.

Quit

      I aint started nothing  I woudnt 

So what’s stuff it in like putty?

Zip nada  hard-on

                     Pack it in like putty an let her gyrate to get you hard

What? bugeyedoutraged

which fuckin made him chuckle as he buried the 8ball in the corner off a long bankshot

                                                                                            Packing putty dude  Or do you have your pharma cornucopia filledtucked away in your shaving kit

he was high

              couldnt hold him responsible for his humour

1527,  Reggaefriday,  17  11. 23

1547,  Saturday,  18  11. 23

Adam Jensen  Never Get High on Your Own Supply  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppzTY6SImO8

5:55 by the hands of the clock  didnt spare him yesterday morning – 0555 hours

0505 this morning did

hed have to admit he was a little concerned when he saw the 5s

                                                                    but

apparently hed be the parent hypnagogic gargoyle was either out of sorts or out on the town

he pulled the pillows to either side of his head closer tilted his head leftcheek against one tucked his right fist knucklesdown under his hip tipping his body slightly left  through the window he could see raindrops spatter on the glass silveredwhiteshards lit by a lone lightbulb above his neighbours garage door that seeped between the fences vertical slats and cracked knotholes

                                          maybe hypnagogic sleeping in lulled by the softsound of rain

he woudnt interrupt himherhermaphrodite despite they having no compunction to interruptharrass him Yes 2 rs 

not that he truly mindedmined their attentionintentions

                                                          they did have an eye for intense detail

and scripted stagecrafted costumed elaborate interfaces scenarios characters

and generously leftout people he knew

he dreamed virtually of strangers

                                    appropriately

strangers in strange phantasmagoric places

they utterly entertained him when they presented

   somehow he either or they did  ducked each other

sleep arrived welloiled silent pitchblack and swept him away

1121,  Saturday,  18  11. 23

Wizard of Oz  The Strawman  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nauLgZISozs

Cheerleader, church girl, naughty girl.

                                         Theyre hot.

   Ya don get out much do you

No. I do.  I was just saying.

Wha arya saying

Are those true experiences?

Im not sayin

You can tell me.

he laughed boisterously  Don take this bad but youd be the last person Id tell

his jaw went slack

                      Why wouldn’t you saytell me?

For the reason I follow obsessively

                                      I wouldnt tell anyone  Just happens youd be the last anyone

Why?

Because 

            Plenty of people live vicariously fraudulently  They live via on-line via videogames via shit I probably havent any clue about or woud care  Ill leave them to their druthers as long as they leave me out

But you must realize, you’re giving them that.

Im writing

            As Ive told you before  fictions fiction fictions scifi fictions nonfiction Nonfiction cant be fiction  It provides fact provides evidential speculation offers reasonable  reasonable hypotheses            

I write Its doesnt matter if its true or imaginedHA

                                                      And Im not at liberty to say

Not at liberty . . to say?

No  Neither are you

                      However  alas  yare not a storyteller

The faces  masks theyve wornIve worn utterly fascinate me  I am elated aroused tha they saw me fit to be a part of be involved with to witness their manifestations their willingness to imagine assume roles  Make makebelieve

Make makebelieve?

   Yes

           It shoudnt end when our childhood does  Think of the lives saved if we werent so fuckin serious  deadly serious

As a species we possessI believe exceptional imaginationperhaps I shoud correct myself not exceptional If we are the only species on the planet tha can imagine frankly it may be mundane Possibly no onenothing behind us pushing us forwardcompeting with us

                                 Woudnt tha be novel

I don’t think . .

. . You don know

                    Wittgenstein

Yes.

Yes

     Whereof one cannot speak thereof one must be silent  I love whereof an thereof

You certainly do.

I do

      We love being entertaineddole out tons of dough for it  We lovewe want to be other than who we are

You like who you are

I do.

Are you satisfied

I don’t think anyone is satisfie . .

. . I didnt ask about anyone

                              I asked you

How do you expect me to answer that?

   If someone isnt satisfied its their fault

Fault?

You disagree

I think I may.

Id rather you believe  No matter

                                     Cheerleader  church girl  naughty girl  I adore they trusted me with their unabashed freedom their kindness playfulness  So unashamed  So willing to imagine

undated

1248,  Reggaefriday,  17  11. 23