pensee

Deepressed

losing my mind

sucking on Latuda tabs

take it at night to help me sleep

Latuda latitude

2324,  Twosday,  18  10. 22

1526,  Saturday,  22  10. 22

he really disliked the contrived artworkthe portraitures evoked 

a homeless man under the viaduct yelled Wha’s that smell, wha’s that smell? as he walked below him on the birdshitspattered sidewalk 

homeless had situated himself on a concrete shelf highup near the steel palegreen painted undergirding

he heard a reply but didnt see who spoke Insecticide bugs up here.

That’s insecticide?

Huhhah.

It smells amazing.

Do have a pleasant smell.

Mind sharing?

You got bugs?

Not yet . . but we’re slumming in close proximity.

You insinuating something? a slight violence in his voice

No not at all, nothing personal . . crawly bugs.

They do yah they do.  he heard him moveshift then saw some part of him  he was cocooned in a crummy soiled sleeping bag  Ya give it back?

I will.

You got bugs?

No . . but smells so goodthought I’d use as an insecticide and an underarm deodorant.

Underarm deodorant?

Yeah.

Aw man that is fuckin brilliant.

he wagged his headkept walking 

                                   Wow he thought wont ever whine again about my circumstances

1627,  Twosday,  18  10. 22

1446,  Saturday,  22  10. 22

  on occasionrare occasion his mind skipswandersreturns to 2017 he has a long memory infamous Charlottesville the tiki torchesthe braying White Nationalists Neo-Nazis racists he recalls the imbecilic frosting on the cake Former “. . . you also had people that were very fine people, on both sides . . .” 

                                                                 Former had nothing on Beavis and Butthead Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XchwE9zVdnw

his mind wanders 

                    at the time he thought someone there should have had his thought  toss pretty coloured gasoline-filled balloons on the tiki goons 

                                  made him chuckle sardonically as it went off in his eyesreminding him of the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz  Here Scarecrow, you wanna play ball?  The Wicked Witch tosses a fireball at himScarecrows frenetic stationary horsegallop as the Tinman falls on the ground to smother the flames 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NyuNnAURSg

                                                        he could imaginecould see all those Gittyup! hoppintrottingallopin white supremacists Jews will not replace us! while they do a fabulous impersonation of replacing them

   You know thas a little sick doncha whispered an inner Mariachi  

Guillermo ya don have to whisper I like to think it a kind of parity a little dose of Sick for the Sick

1627,  Twosday,  18  10. 22

1135,  Saturday,  22  10. 22

tiki torches  https://www.vox.com/identities/2017/8/12/16138244/charlottesville-protests-photos 

https://www.politifact.com/article/2019/apr/26/context-trumps-very-fine-people-both-sides-remarks/

thaumogenesis

                 the longword version of what he called his style of wrioting mosaics they shared the same letters except for the c  See  Si si   Yes 

                                    JESUS woudya get on with it

 thaumogenesis inadvertently creating a being as a byproduct of casting a spell 

                                                                                     Or casting cock hed say  Whichtherefore  the ability not only name a child Sex but also Thaumogenesis or or OR  Thaumaturgy  the performance of a miracle 

                           Lets not get nuts Mariachi saidhaving its ear to a wall or keyhole

Ahthere you are

                 Was wondering where youd gotten off to

Never far off You growing a conscience

A conscience hmm  I don know Got enough room in there without me squeezing youse out

Why woudya ask

Seems to me itd be bulbous like inflating a balloon   Woudnt tha put the squeeze on ya

Awcomon were malleablewerent born yesterday  were elastic flexible like worldclass gymnasts 

STOP  yare killin me

Maybe if yad quit thinkin sex or of sex partners

Comon aint nothing a sight better than a supple lover

   Agreed 

            Weve seen

Seen  Ya voyeurs 

You a voyeur

Fair There is tha

We complimentcomplete you Were not mere adjutantswere up to our necks in your game

Game 

        Am I a game

   You game 

Ofcourse

Then don ask stupid questions of me or us 

spose he put his foot in it

0105,  Thursday,  20  10. 22

1955,  ReggarFriday,  21  10. 22

his feet were blueactually bluegreythought of the blue-footed booby  Kurt Vonnegut Jr  Galapagos  if you havent read it you havent lived

            his feet were blue from the light off the television screen he watched A Woman, A Gun and a Noodle Shop Zhang Yimons film based on the Coen Brothers Blood Simple it was nice to see the Chinese use an American film as a springboard rather than the other way aroundTHAS TRUE but he his daughter occasionally were who he knew who watched foreign films not two months ago he watched eight in a row Chinese Korean Japanese Italian French German IrishTHAS A JOKE his son-in-law thought a movie where characters spoke with an accent was a foreign filmTONGUE IN CHEEK afterall theres Snatchhe caught it in the theatrehad nothing to do with snatch  he was deflated

WHERE WAS HE

   OHYES  blue feet

                        he didnt pay much attention to feetcertainly not his they were foot soldiers  their job to get himcoordinating with his legs from here to there and there and back

                                                                        he didnt take good care of them

he wasnt a dandy

as a matter of fact he didnt start paying attention to feet until hallie singlefootedlyYES one at a time he paid deliberate attention to her feet 

                     he developed a footfetish for hers

erotic

hers were erotic

his were rottingNOT REALLY 

                               just badly beatenup

blue light didnt help

as a matter of fact in that light his feet looked like they belonged to a dead man

                                                                                    probably in light of the dead men hed seen in Nam

                or just dead feet 

                                  after bombings artillery barrages 

                                                                        because body counts were what officersGENERALS jacked off to grunts GIs assembled odd body parts to make a body to be countedHE wasnt told hed be doing that when he opted for the military instead of going to prison for assault

    

    FUCK

              krazy where blue feet took a guy

2352,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  19  10. 22

1227,  Thursday,  20  10. 22

Galapagos  https://www.theguardian.com/books/2014/apr/02/galapagos-natural-history-henry-nicholls-review

Snatch  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Jar2XkBboo

he knew a bit of something about watching pots boil he was feeding nearly three dozen hummingbirds they were extreme beings anif he coud help a fella out he was prone to doing so  rather he listened for the pot to boil hed been doing it so long that he developed an internal alarm clock that whispered Whadaya think? I think it’s bout time.   Yare the clock I listen to youfollow your BRRRIING   Man, tha’s an awesome responsibility.   Got something else to do   Good point. No. 

           a watched potnever awcomonNEVER  a watched pot never boilsmeaning eer aheer clearing his throat Time passes slowly when one is waiting for something to happensomeone to show Coudbe tha special someone

nah  he didnt wait

                      at least thats what he told himself he made sure he had something else going on to fill the time knew about the cavalry coming in his experience they rarely arrived in the nick of time sometimes they didnt show

he was pummeled once too many times to buy into that line of horseshit

                                                                            as a matter of fact he had seen it show late  linger off in the distance 

                           it decided the battle was lost no sense getting involved 

when he healedup he went after them one at a time to settle the score soothe his sore feelings

 

he had to excuse himself 

                            Time for da boids

0950,  Thursday,  20  10. 22

September11 gave US January6

Thank you Republicans

they are not a party

1919,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  19  10. 22

        jagoff 

its been awhile since hed been called a jagoffas a matter of fact its been years like since he left the old neighbourhoodhis old friends 

                                he wondered if it wasnt a nameword like groovy or Right on, bro or Mary Jane thai-sticks You’re a real douchebag  confined to the era he was raised in or the region 

                                                                                his kid brotherstill living in the old neighbourhood thought it was a Midwest or Eastern slur 

he was living in the West 

hed have to ask someone

or call someone jagoff 

see what that got him 

it wasnt beyond him 

hed chalk it up to curiosity 

Where

           In a bar 

Lubricated

In a bar? his brother worried  Oh no I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

You said it was a Midwest slur

I don’t know if I’d risk a punch in the mouth. 

Or just a dumb look on their face   What did you say?   I said jagoff   What’s that?   Its all in the delivery If Im not glaring if I have a humoured expression a pleasant expression on my face Coud think it was a pleasant saying a nickname

You think?

I wont know until I tryits worth a try . .

. . If yawanna get punched in the face.

he shook his head 

                     Yacant be optimistic  its not like I called em a cunt cunt round here gets guys and gals all riledlike wha  your breath smells like ya got a mouth full of shit  Not tha tha woud rile me

No. That wouldn’t rile you.

                              You’re pretty unrileable. 

I like tha  Coud I borrow it

Help yourself.

Im unrileable

You are . . . until you’re notthen the gloves are off.

Thas true

I’d think a temperature change from cool as ice to hot as magma would be injurious.

   Unrileable  Injurious   You don look that smart

I keep my cards close.

Thasaid Ive seen you on more than one occasion a freak  ice to magma . . 

. . Not often. 

    No  Volcanoes tend to be thaway

You think a volcano?

I do

he puzzled it crowded his countenance 

                                            You know what I think? 

I do

You do?

I do

What? Ya a fuckin’ mind reader?

   No

So then? he shrugged his shoulders like a boxer

Yave beento the best of my knowledge volcanic  when Ive provoked it whether me provoking you or me throwing down in a fight because I knew youd have my back 

                                                   You became feral 

his brothers eyes began to shine

he went off in his head a short while 

when he returned  his eyes shining brighter 

                                                Yaknowwha?   You’re right. 

I am 

You’re a jagoff.

0011,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  19  10. 22

1234,  Day-between-Two-Ts

Billy Porter  Children  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4aqOKoSArw

  

  Aww  digging inWho  are you 

                                           Who are you

the bungled the botchedthe expendable 

                                         Nietzsche posed that  Antichrist  published 1895 written in 1888  his publishers withheld it due to its content     FEAR

   Who are you

hed have to identify with the expendable

                                           not that he thought he was  but he doesnt call the shots  cunt  whitey doNOT that their opinion mattered to him 

                                   hed dare them  Step up and tell me to my face  

theyd walk off holding their facetheir Mask in their hands

“Man is the most bungled of all the animals, the sickliest, and not one has strayed dangerously from its instincts. But for all that, of course, ofcourse he is the most interesting.” 

                                                         innarestin  is ambivalent 

                                                                                         Nietzsche didnt say shit

1889 he was committed to an asylum  purportedly a mental breakdown after witnessing a horse whipped in Turin 

                                                                                                                        or not

does it matter

0855,  Thursday,  13  10. 22

1926,  Twosday,  18  10. 22

Nadja  The Bungled & The Botched  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NfOP9dbSBRY 

https://www.faena.com/aleph/the-true-story-of-the-turin-horse-or-nietzsches-horse

he picked on Dior unmercifully cunt Dior  but since  not another advertisement has presented in his emailbeen directed at him

he really appreciated that 

                            anto address his appreciation he also wanted to express his thankfulness for Frances laïcité  in the world because of the French 

                                     Thank you  he genuinely meant it

laïcité means secularism separation of Church and State yes ofcourse others countries have the notion of secularism however particular to the French it seemed him laïcité also means freedom from religion 

                                                                                             Aah  freedom FROM religion  

as America contends with its White Christian Nationalism hard to say around a mouthful of McDonalds hamburger problem laïcité elated him 

                   to be honest he couldnt remember where his eye fell on laïcité but it looked so much like lactate save for the crazy accent marks he was immediately attractedcurious

he was terribly happy he looked into it 

                                         anwas keeping his fingers crossed that Dior would maintainhonour their détente remain off his back so he could stop calling it cunt

        

2350,  Thursday,  15  9. 22 

1139,  Twosday,  18  10. 22 

https://www.americanprogress.org/article/christian-nationalism-is-single-biggest-threat-to-americas-religious-freedom/ 

https://www.newyorker.com/podcast/politics-and-more/how-white-christian-nationalists-seek-to-transform-america 

https://www.thebulwark.com/white-christian-nationalism-out-in-the-open/ 

earlier he said badgering 

                          Dior Ralph Lauren  Facebook 

  its bitching now

                  cunt Italians  figa fica feminine fico masculine  he figured figa was a figa was a figa Canali just another figa 

              fashioning menswear asif he had any interest in menswear

black tshirt 501 jeans leather belt no socks  Skechers

comfort

not torment

why algorithms would send fancypants an Facebook to his email suggested they understood they could frustrate him a wee bit but then he was living and breathing and a machine and its applications werent 

                                                                                         he might be frustrating them more 

they cant work him out 

he hasnt taken one of their suggestions 

                                             What was he?  DEAD? 

how much fun would it be if Bezos BOZO albeit a sharp cookie convinced The Washington Post to drop vowels 

                                                                                                                          Wht ws h? DD?

laughing wouldnt be as much fun hee hee tee hee   hahahah 

                                                                    h h  t h  hhhh 

   figas all

1635,  Sunday,  16  10. 22

1913,  Monday,  17  10. 22

Ya ba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dibba dum All day long, I'd biddy biddy bum  Zero Mostel  If I Was a Rich Man  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtyinYpNkAU   

two small women if they were any smaller hed be able to eat them like black olives off his fingertips like when he was a boy 

     they looked as tasty as black olives                                      

they worked at the market he frequented

Beatrice he called her Bee appropriately she worked the Courtesy Counter 

                                                                              because the market was a chain it consistently made corporate mistakes which benefited it a wronged item five dollars or less he was reimbursed his money and the item was free

                                not curiously the wrong price was always more than advertised the shelf price ansince he bought very few items at a time ancalculated the approximate total he was imminently aware if corporate screwed up

he was on fire 

               or rather they were

last four times he was there they were wrong

he was getting to know Bee well 

                                     We screw up again? 

They did not you Bee

Lucinda he called Lucinda she worked as a cashier anwas always playing with her hair colour she reminded him of psychedelicswirled cotton candy but not on a stickOHNO he was amazed how much was packed onto her frame calling a four-nine woman curvaceous seemed ridiculous but that was the word

                                                                             he didnt expressly try to be in her line but whenever he found himself in it he was delighted

they had breezyjazzy repartee 

she said she was a reader

                             she knew several of the books he reading it was his habit to bring a book because it was also corporates thing to make people wait there were seven check-outs but usually only three were manned 

                                                                                                                 or one could go to Self-Checkout where mistakes were also being made however no liquor sales were allowed to be transacted 

he liked his beer 

it was on an occasion that he decided rather than have a beer at home hed go to a bar that broadcasted professional football it was Monday best thing about the broadcast was that it was muted it was like going home 

Billy the bartender sharp guy jazzy too   Billy the usual 

Ya got it, Teach. 

                 Billy called him Teach because he said he looked like a teacher that was likely because whenever he went he was by himself so he brought a couple books pen and paper evenif there was football the void of pregame halftime there was always time to read or write  a letter or whaever roamed in his mind

Thank you Billy he handed him a card to start a tab closed out with cash

Yabetcha, Teach, rooting for somebody tonight?

Cheering for the Chiefs

Aah, I thought you were smarter than that.

I havent any skin in the game  unlike you I imagine

Yah, suckers, fans, some real yahoos in here, they’re easy, an I don’t feel bad taking their money because I play the odds.

Odds I don gamble work too hard for my money

Which means if ya did bet you’d probably back a winner . . not a fan are ya?

No  Me an fandom don mix

Smart teacher. somebody called Billys name I gotta go, excuse me, Teach. 

he arrived earlier than he thoughthad thrown the canvas bag over his shoulder and walked despite reading he made really good time he thought he stop more than a couple of time to make notes

                                                                            he took a small table along the brick wall faced so he could see who entered pulled out a clipboard and pen and sipping his beer looked around at the characters 

he didnt know a one

                       ansince that was the case he worked from Lockes clean slate  tabula rasa

then 

      in walked Bee and Lucinda

they immediately saw him waved enthusiastically

he heldup a peace sign

they motored over to him

a couple of real sprites

he stood Bee Lucinda  Whas up girls

Jesus, it was a Monday at work. 

Bee nodded in agreement It was crazy, so Lu and I decided we needed a drink, put the day behind us.

Lemme help Ill buy you a drink we can get to know each other better then ahead of the gamemaybe the day behind you  youll be able to enjoy each other rather than bitch

Aww, I like to bitch . .

. . Lu’s really good at it, she’s amazing, she has the best insults you ever heard.

A sharp tongue Lucinda

I can be acidic  she winked but it can be soft too.

Ooh yes, very soft. giggled Bee

You girls are nuts Tell Billy to put your drinks on Teachs card

Teach’s? they remarked as one

I can see that. said Bee

Yes. Definitely. Lucinda said Can we call you that too? she pouted Bee seeing her pout stuck out her lower lip

Comon girls sure  whaever turns you on

Seems we got ourselves a teacher, Trix. Lucinda winked a second time  Trix laughed bawdily

he joined into their laughter 

                               Sounds like you two are going to be a handful

  he wasnt one who spoke of the future 

he ate them off his fingers like black olives

late evening,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  12  10. 22

1211,  Monday,  17  10. 22

Lucinda Williams  When I Look at the World  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiJGIBE541M

he thought there was his mistakehe thought 

                                                  he didnt think like others 

Maw  ya drop me on my head when I was a baby

Heckno . . maybe your father . you were fat so I was always very conscious of where I was where you were so we didn’t have an accident.

Dad  ya drop me on my head when I was a baby

No. Why do you ask?

I don think like other people

No you don’t, never have.

                           But you understand that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

I don think it is

Good, that’s good.

                    Son, you know your mindwho you are . . so don’t back down, and when you’re wrong admit it . . which I also know of you.

Thas because you and Maw raised me right

We raised youthat’s all we can take credit for, whether we were right or not I can’t say, though I appreciate you think so.

he chuckled  You can poll your brothers and sisters, they may not agree with you.

No no thank you I know they don think like me  I have a hard time asking them for the time of day

Oh, son, that’s harsh.

I am I know  havent time for ignorance or stupidity although there are vastly more who are ignorant  seems they don wanna work that hard

Well, son . . different strokes eh?

Maybe different if so many werent the same

2040,  Twosday,  11  10. 22

1206,  Sunday, 16  10. 22

it was a bookcase a barrister bookcase not a sexy birthday gift utterly functional  she always knew exactly what to give him 

         she knew he was simple

                                               

Awbabe I love it

Yes you do.

he laughed 

             Yare not even going to feign modesty 

  No.  she smiled sensational dimples 

                                       Many books you have most people don’t . or even know exist and, besides, the girls will eventually be interested anif the books are laying about they’ll get into them without us knowing . . they’re not youthey she noddedshe nodded absently when something worried her  they have to be older than you were when you first read them . you were precocious for your age   I didntwe didnt have vacations as kids so books were my escape   Yes, I know, I understand.   I wasnt necessarily precocious   Stop. You were.   Keeping the books in the bookcase, your library, you tell the girlslet them know . they have to ask you if they want to read them . . then we’ll know together what they’re reading . . . your parents never knew what you were reading.

I understandsmart However if they ask theyre welcome to whaever books I have

Yes, but they’ll have to ask first.  You didn’t, you sought them out, bought them . . how . when so many were banned . . how?

he winked I knew the right people impressed booksellers I was parchedthey coudnt resist satisfying my thirst 

                                                                                                                     So you understandwere in agreement  girls ask  my books are for the taking

Yes, yes . I do . . but they are not as . promiscuous . as youdespite what you think.  Girls are different than boys.

Not my girls . .

. . Yes your girls. They, despite what you think, are not as outrageous as you. They’ll look at the books. Wonder. Maybe even try to acquire titles without coming to you . or me . but despite your, what shall I call it . . . heavyhandedness . that’s correct I think . . they aren’t you.

Heavyhandedness his turn to nod   Theyre not like you

No.

    No, you’ve made sure of that . but they have my tact, share some sensibilities that you  have  not.  They have my measured sensibilities.

  they did 

              he teased her and the girls that they raised him

                 

2147,  Saturday, 15  10. 22

1105,  Sunday,  16  10. 22

Zero 7  Home  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZW2gw58spU