years  years after the fact  he had photographs of their love up

                                                                    all he could think was how good they might have been those latter years if the pictures had been up visible to remind them day-by-day exactly from where they had come  how they persevered endured  fought  how they persisted and succeeded defying the odds

                                                                                                  visually

what wonderful reminders

                             he rememberedhis memory was longer than hers she attacked himaccused him of remembering  lying

                      Baby please dont be bitter that I can remember Im only trying to share with youremind you of what we hadwhat struggles we had how we succeed

My intent isnt to beat you upslight you

Maybe it’s not your intention, but that’s how I feel, how you make me feel. You make me feel less than you, and you tout it like a cock crowing at dawn.

Youre misunderstanding my intentions 

No. I understand perfectly what your intention are; I’m damaged, you’re not.

Is that what you believe in your heart

In your heart? You’re a pig. You flaunt your health in my face, flaunt it as you walk down the street, the women whose heads you tur . .

. . Who I dont no . . 

. . WHO I NOTICE.

I dont 

Well, that makes you the ignorant one, doesn’t it. she was picking at him he despised ignorance

Not noticing people behind my back doesnt make me ignorant

You ought to turn around once in a while, instead you walk forward . . as if you were, are, impervious, above it all.

What happens at my back Im unable to do anything about What is before meyoure before me is my only concern

Nice. Tell you what. You needn’t be concerned. I’m out of your hands, and there’s nothing you can do about it. I’m beyond you.

he wished he had put their earlier pictures up

                                                 so she would have evidence evidence that she minimised talked herself out of their past was past and therefore unreal

Look he could have said Remember

unfortunately her state would dictate that she had no memory

                                                                  that they were phony because he was a phony he was manipulative

he was just trying to live a normal life

                                        trying to be an example to their girls trying to gently quietly ameliorate her violent hurtful words

               reminding their girls after the storms their mother reconsidered then always always said she was wrongI WAS WRONG and humbly asked for their forgiveness

they were teenagers

                      he was an adult  a shabby thing to have over them but more experienced not experienced with deep depression but more experienced with love and loving  who their mother was at her core who he fell in love with and who he wasnt going to let go

1659,  Monday,  7  9. 20

1332,  Twosday,  8  9. 20

finally not without some impatiencehe was out of practise he finally could turn the remaining card after the gymnasticsshuffling he was instructed to perform with the deck to empty his mind thats never gonna happenwasnt a dump truck with enough capacity to tackle the twistyturning that roiled his mind to still the water in a bowl being jostled  reflective calm

the deck was a kind of Medicine Card deck animal spirits  all one-in-the-same to him to divine

he had to admit it was less messyless brutal than reading animals guts or throwing bones

                                                                                                actual bones  not dice

he was good with dicespooky with them but not dem bones

his daughter was gifted the animal spirit cards and she recommended them to him  she would  she always tried to inspire a spirituality in him that she insisted was holding him back from being the splendid person he could be could attain complete   be fulfilled

she had that connexionthat essence down pat

she was exquisite

people she interacted with truly treated her with awe and reverence

                                                                       he treated her like his daughterhis little girl all-grown-up

                                                                                             Aw babe you know your old man As I told your mother Youre gonna hafta bear the intuition loadhavin the gutfeelings Im not prone  A mans got to know his limitations Yareally wanna beat me up with spirit animal cards

she insisted

              Dad, you always sell yourself short.

I wouldnt if I was taller

he didnt dent or crack her veneer

Dad. Seriously.

It aint sellin myself short baby I know me and me is all about action movement I aint one to sit in one place long enough to receive counsel let alone seek it Hard to hit a moving target The only feelings of intuition or gut I have is a common phenomenon called peristalsis that for gas that for a bowel movement Thats the extent of my magical understandings coursing through the ether

                             Rather nada no deal  no dice

he drove from LA to Sedona

he found one of the five advertised vortexes

he shuffled her animal spirit cards like she instructed him

he concentrated so hard it made his head hurt

he spread what must have been his soul all over the cards

                                                             passed the cards between his handsfingered them drew three that seemed to tingle felt up the three the first whatever he felt was gone he discarded it the second felt scabby the third something but not as scabby as the second  he discarded it too

he turned the lone card  Bat

                               handsome artistically rendered apparently it had just leapt into midair from lushgreen jungle foliage  appetising

its element is Air

the recitation from the decks accompanying book

                                                    The bat is a master of subtle senses, of underlying forces that cause some things to prosper and others to fade. The bat card shows up to signify the ending of a chapter – he wasnt fond of chapter books – the closing of a door.

No more lingering in the past.

When in balance: Accepts, adapts, adjusts.

When out of balance: Refuses to let go, reminisces.

To bring into balance: Watch the sunrise.

Really he asked  Accepts  Adapts  Adjusts

                                                         Really

the only reason he had the cards was because his daughter died

Pushy  fucking  card

1248,  Twosday,  17  3. 20

1113,  Twosday,  8  9. 20

Santana  Black Magic Woman  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_SOAdAxFfo

What time you got?

he loved it he didnt when people asked him as they were going to their watches or cellfones asif they wanted to synchronise with him antagonise him for yet-admitted clandestine reasons
                                                                              brothers sisters   in-arms

Fourteentwelve

Fourteentwelve? What the hell’s that?

for the sake of argument hed spat it again Fourteentwelve Time

absently dropping their armstheir watches Two-fifteen nobody wore a Timex anymore heads came up  I got Two-fifteen. You’re three minutes off.

I am

You know you’re three minutes off?

I do Im on Trilogy ti . .
. . Triage  time? they grimaced
                                they were in the ball park  he enjoyed their grimaces

Trilogy Trilogy time

Not triage?

Trilogy and triage dont sound alike to me To you

Well, na . .
. . Then why not accept Trilogy It is the word out of my mouth Do you think Im mispronouncing it

No. I’ve . . I’ve just not heard it before.

Is that too difficult to sayto admit Seems you might prefer Im ignorant rather than you

. . .

Cat got your tongue

I . . I don’t know what Trilogy is.

You could ask me What is Trilogy Im unfamiliar with the term

What is Tri . .
. . Look at you  growing up right before my eyes

Trilogy is a machine a ventilator that helped my daughter survive

I’ve never heard of it.

Youve established that
                          Thank your lucky stars that you havent had to contend with one

Huh?

he wasnt going to waste his breath
                                      Lets just say we concurhuh I like concurring rather than prattling on incoherently

Twofifteen; sixteen.

Thirteen but yah if your watch says  I aint arguing

                                                        it rubbed him wrong when people needed assurances or confirmation  as though if things that followed went badly they could come back around and blame him regain time be absolved

he wasnt one to be kindto be forgiving
                                         theyd be batshit to expect that from him

Twoseventeen.

If it suits you
              Im outahere buhbye  Lotsa luck   Youre gonna need it

1412,  Sunday,  15  3. 20

1559,  Monday,  7  9. 20

Lani Hall  Come Down in Time  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-0bYk7FlHo

People who get lost in overlapping sets of knownspace become known as Homo diaspora

not his sentence

who else but China Mieville 

Embassytown

knownspace and Homo diaspora triggered

                                              practical men use their women up until they have nothing left to give ugly

having nothing left like a battery spent theyhadthegoodsensetoexpire practical menif their woman havent died walk out

men in his family didnt divorce

they were widowers

there were more widowers than one could shake a stick at shake sticks at

it wasnt asif they shared stories or exchanged notes

                                                     it went without saying

life insurances collected

estate sales concluded

family homes sold

buffed up like brand-new shiny pennies

the world was their oyster

What to do? What to do? Oh, what to do? was their question

after decades of marriage it might be thought theyd lost a step decades of reasoned compromises pretty pleases or flat-out begging had effaced themmade them less legerity

                                                         that theyd misplaced their being light on their feet and strode like heavyfooted apes
                    Nah

they didnt remarry

                     “Fool me once . . “

their Knowing ameliorated them they knowingly took advantage of their widowership

they accepted naïve compassioncommiseration accepted their understanding not that they knew what it was to survive a spouse

           diligent divorcees two three four husbands  

fourfive year expiration-dates

their children seemed relieved that the old man was moving on not consumed with grief

but maybe they wouldnt have been if they knew Daddys game plan taking advantage of their widowership  coyly  knowingly leaning their sorry heads to filled-to-bursting breasts who relished their inside-track pissmarking their territory embracing them tight under sweet softly-admitted sighs

thats more than halfway there

a hand haplessly fallen to their lap

a thigh squeezed

a sniffa hoarsely emitted  Thank you

thighs trembled  Sex will salt away this deal  

knees kneaded part

awkward fumbling feigning out-of-practise fumbling

a deep considerate sigh

Goodness, you smell wonderful. the boys reply intimately

heads rise

throats exposed

soft pliantkisses at jugulars napes and ticklish suprasternal notches warm breaths You’re wonderful, understanding me.

their practised deceiving hand leaves their warm thigh

a chill descendsseeps into where their hand had been but before leaving a promise  a tender squeeze

their open mouths come together

a hand brushes her breast

hungering

heartbeats rising

skin flushing

You’re absolutely wonderful, thank you, thank you for your gentleness and kindnesses. a hand at her throat gripping it firmly

a soft begging kiss

accepted permission granted  a long soft openmouthed kiss  tongues intertwine like serpents mating

hearts pound theyre audible 

blood pounds 

I’m blind. 

           what proceeds is practically by touch

1331,  Sunday,  15  3. 20

1428,  Monday,  7  9. 20

Sergio Mendes  The Fool on the Hill  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFO8UgM3YVU\

he had written for three months and only now was beginning to transcribe the pages  remember what forged the thoughts he committed to them remember moments that otherwise would pass into memory and only if a stone happened to be tossed down that well or kicked into a handdug hole would he hear the disquiet  have the echo tickle his senses remind him

                           to remember

he interspersed his memoir cut it like heroin with more timely pieces imagined adventures live and lived

                                                                                             he wasnt a shrinking violet

he didnt shrink from violence nor confrontation

if he had to write with blood  
                               so be it

he wrote like a lava lamp belched and percolated

                                                     Preeetty . .

                                                                       Pretty fuckedup man

1033,  Sunday,  15  3. 20

1541,  Sunday,  6  9. 20

Zappa  Hungry Freaks, Daddy  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0JTNVkhyS8

I no know what you say.  Yoshi

Yoshi his mother-in-law is Japanese 
                                        he speaks too quicklyrambles and uses colloquialisms and slang

she cant follow his language 

she asks What you say?

hes tickled
            he repeats himself slowly and drops the coloured language 

theyve been playing this game since last century

he maintains she still doesnt understand him because she hasnt bought into the English language but why should she she and her eight schoolgirl friends speak among themselves every day conversing in Japanese

he didnt have eight friends let alone eight childhood friends

he could count his friendship on one hand

three to be precise

he was lucky if he spoke with two of them every six months

maybe he was squandering great gifts

if only they would write him back

Hell Yoshi had eight close friends

she was 90
            obviously her friends were a little younger a little older

whadafuck Remarkable bordering on Miraculous

I no know what you say.
                          then she motions the International evidently screwball sign turning her index finger pointed at her temple round and round and round Screw loose Joe

at least she had the good sense to motion at the side of her head away from him  

casually  subtly

0857,  Sunday,  15  3. 20

1406,  Sunday,  6  9. 20

                      six framed items hung on the wall

three were certificatesvirtually the same size he supposed certificates were standard-sized

the one in the middle was handmade and deftlyminutely embellished with paint

right of the three certificates were first a black-and-white photograph of an aeroplane a small private propeller craft  then a coloured cartoon he paid no attention to  its caricatures cleverthough not funny and lastly a militaristic Nationalist poster a brusque helmeted soldier carrying a rifle by its strap over his shoulder faced right  he was exercised and marched before a backdrop of unfurled flagsred and white stripedwhite stars on a blue field static though undulating  featured to either side of the soldier and looking like wings asif he were an angel

                                                                                                   very patriotic  propagrandistic  Colour Me Comrade

what is also patriotic is not taking the bait not enlisting not convinced that actions soldiers are ordered to perform are for the defense of the nation but rather imperialistic armed solicitation 6 November 2001 You’re either with US, or you’re against US . . Bush famously said  anwhile he knew the president and Cheney and Rumsfeld were desperately wrong had cooked the books masturbated vigourously lubed with blood  touted terrorism torture Abu Graib a huge butthurt majority of Americans bought in hook line and sinker 

                                                        an International Intelligence and Interpol matter gutted  its flames fanned furiously for war

                          he never saw the smarts of becoming Government-Issued or following ordersgagged unable to challenge or question the reasons why

                                         to throw himself over and acquiesce

each of the frames hung awkwardly not in a line not spaces asif hung by a drunkard or someone careless just to hang them kinda like lynchings although each right corner was higher than its left they leaned on the wall

                                                                                                           perhaps the first hung was the template that set the illhangings in motion the hanger didnt step awaystep back and see their mistakes

but six in a row inside seven feet of wall the imbalance was unmistakably

the hanger must not have cared

the six frames hanging uncorrected was like having illmannered children who werent cracked on the ass to straighten them out

          so they did as they pleased

so much for discipline

2234,  Saturday, Pi-Day,  14  3. 20

1311,  Sunday,  6  9. 20

6 November 2001  https://edition.cnn.com/2001/US/11/06/gen.attack.on.terror/

                        

he had countless fond memories however when he closed his eyes and listened he heard his Maws humour her laughter

he remembered her happy scoldings tongue-in-cheek admonishing him often how terrible he was which by her accusation meant she was on fully onboard fully cognizant of the scenarios he painted for her

                                                                                                   but what he happily remembered were the nights while he was a teenager when it was bedtime  he and his parents climbed the stairs at the old house to sleep

                        shortly  from behind his parents closed bedroom door he could hear the muffled murmur of their conversations -- which was always a comfort -- then suddenly they were interruptednot unexpectedly by a sharp barkthe sound of his mothers laughter.

when it subsidedbut for a moment hed hear his father murmur something then hed erupt in his own laughter Maw never answered him she laughed in reply and laughing over his father shed go off the deepend long sustained laughter -- he could almost see her wiping tears from her cheeks with her hands -- her laughter would continue unabatednearly breathless as did his fathers

it was a happy happy chorus to listen to Hell hed laugh as he listened to them through the wall

he never did learn what they were laughing about -- it wasnt important -- but what will colour his memoriesalways  is her laughter their laughter

simply  it is music

0809,  Friday,  13  3. 20

1040,  Sunday,  6  9. 20

Say it ain’t so, Joe, please say it ain’t so . . .

                                               he triedhe tried to lie

                                                                       tried to let himself off the hookslip his hurt defy the anguish that unmercifully rend his heart

which he had been enduring

                               

he couldnt lie

hed cut his throat with his fathers straight razor before denying witness

the music caught him unsuspecting as music often can

                                                           out of some quarter playing a jukebox out of the speaker of a passing car from out of a house or apartment window as someone inside sang offkey

Murray Head

               Say it ain’t so, Joe . . .

                                        he was walking the song arrested him his hand fell from the strap of the canvas bag he carried over his shoulder

his strength went out of it he felt his bones wanting to go out come undone so hed slouch like a scarecrow and birds could take pieces of him and make nests make him feel useful like he could do something right again if nothing more than serving as fodder

                        though his legs denied himthey wouldnt fold
they resisted a gravity he exacerbatedweighing him down

Say it aint so, Joe  they sang

he wished he could

he wished terribly that he could

                                  lie

he wished he could

                   wished he could have saved her life

a wish he made

                  that Death would take him rather than his daughter

but she was a prize why would it  Death is greedy

                                                        it wasnt like he was an apple for apple

It laughed cruelly in its throat  a part of its panoply 

                                                       as was there is no enticing it

It had exactly what it came for

It wouldnt let go

he saw that

            terribly she saw that too

she knew better than he

her eyes smiled through her tears

                                    asif to say It’s alright; it’s alright, Dad. to comfort him

comfort wouldnt be his for a long time

a car passed closeby as he stood unflinching at the curb to cross a street his body swayed sullenly in its draft but his spine cinched it tightened his legs threatening it

2343,  Friday,  6  3. 20

1635,  Saturday,  5  9. 20

Murray Head  Say it Ain’t So  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IT5cqphuqoU

Free  Wishing Well  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLSAGnHNqGc