9.6.20

in Memorium $114K


Horseshit

Not horseshit. It’s legit. It’s an accepted term, psychologically-speaking.

You mean by the same people who gave us DSM volumes One through Five mental disorders  homosexuality was a disorder and correctablethey could be re-educated  a finding which allowed LGBTQ individuals to twist on a hookremain closeted assaulted  diminished Why those fucks didnt try to cure heterosexuality before marriage is a mysteryhuh


Point taken.


I got nothing People are people Dont try to hurt me or mine and I promise I wont hurt you badlyI might still hurt you though



Hear me out?

Knock yourself out


Okay. Apathetic people, sociopaths, psychopaths . . 
. . Fuck  Yareally wanna give those fucks an excuse

You said youd hear me out.

Apologise Ill try real hard to be quiet


Thank you. They’re – I won’t repeat myself – he definitely thought he was tempting him
                                                they’re relationally-incapacitated  an ego that plays the role of the ego without fulfilling the synthesizing function – it, that ego, favors the emergence of a tendency to avoid relationship and introjection . . favors the emergence of ego-inflation characteristic of the aggressively egocentric psychopath.


Well?

Sounds criminal Sounds potato potato tomato tomato Lets call the whole thing off


You’re not intrigued?

Fascinated  Bottomline  Dont hurt me or mine I wont hurt you badly

Action Not words

Act badly

Ill hurt you badly

Pretty  fuckin  simple  

Wont get caught up in the weeds with ya

Sunday,  23  12. 18
1721,  Twosday, 9  6. 20



he took the bus into the city

it was night

everyone aboard looked ill coloured by the ugly yellowishgreen light that flickered inside 

it was a light meant to be nightlight like in a lavatory meant to light the inside of the bus it wasnt there to read by  

he complained to company that if the lighting aboard was better and people could read their newspapers and magazines or books ridership might increase

the company told him nobody reads It’s transportation.

I read he said into the telephone

Good for you, chum. If you prefer, you can walk too.

Whats your name please

Joe Blow. and he hung up


he worked his way to the back of the bus once he boarded

the driver didnt wait

the door closed with a bitchy pneumatic soundan abrupt CLANK and the driver rolled

he didnt mind the game

the driver didnt know he rode buses and trains most of his youth and spent a couple months every year later at sea aint a damn thing the chucklehead could throw at him that would rock him off his feet unless he slammed on the brakes

he enjoyed the passage to the rear of the bus
                                                the characters the faces the personalities the no-personalities  those who kept their heads downnot wanting to meet his eyes or those who watchedwho sized him upwho played with notions of shaking him down though the last time anyone tried to shake him down was a bald pate a longbraided ponytail erupting out the top of his skull orangerobed Hare Krishna maggot
                                                                      they got so thick in the city for a couple of summers while he attended City College that he got their chant down pat

Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna, Krishna, Hare Hare.
Hare Rama, Hare Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Rama.
                                                       he hadnt a fuckin clue what it meant

baldysour with a braid thrust a cup in his face Please, donate what you can, whatever you can, even a penny isn’t too small, although it might speak to the smallness of your heart and soul.

I dont think thats a legit part to your pitch buddy  Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna Krishna Hare Hare Tellya what if yamove it along yacan keep your ponytail I got a collection Im from a long line of Indian fighters even if you dont look Indian But with just your hair nobody cares what you looked like Even blue-eyed like you
Ya cats are nonviolent

Im not


a young woman raised her eyes to his approach as he leanedturned his hipscounterbalanced the corner the driver took 

Mind if I sit beside you he asked

Please. Help yourself.

he sat Thank you

she smiled

You’re welcome.

he smiled

Evenin My names Joe

Joe. Hello. My name’s Florence.

Florence My pleasure Im sure 

which elicited another broad smile that amused him 

You’re sure?

Im sureno doubt

What makes you so sure?

Your eyes Your composuresure   Like that

Are you clever?

Maybe not so clever as I enjoy playing with words Or perhaps you incite me to try to be clever Florence


they got along famously


he saw his stop was approaching Stop after next is me Would you mind if I asked for your number or address

she smiled a bittersweet smile No. Unfortunately not.

I cant see you again

No. I’m sorry.

they hit it off she reciprocated  Well Im disappointed he said I wont ask why


Do you want to ask why?

I dont ask why I respect your decision your reasons No is good with me

Thank you.

Youre welcome

Yes. Thank you very much. I’ve really enjoyed our thirtyforty minutes.

Florence he held his hand out to her

she grasped it quicklyheld it to her breastdropped her eyes


she lifted her eyes again when the bus driver called out his stop she released his hand

her eyes were wet

I’m not of age, Joe. I live with my parents.

Well Florence Youre parents are doing a fine job raising you he stood Im sure theyre very proud of you I thoroughly enjoyed talking with youenjoyed our time together too

Be well be happy Florence

the bus stopped the doors parted entering the bus

You too, Joe.

Yabetcha

he took the few steps up the aisle and disembarked

he watched her watch him through the window

as the bus slowly pulled away she was obscured then he glimpsed hershe had stood in the aisle worked her way to the rear window

he could see her plainly

she raised her hand a static goodbye

he raised his and held it up until the bus went around the corner out of sight


it was an illuminating gap of time

Florences faceher penetrating green eyes fixed in his memory the turn of her smile its left corner higher than its right the directness of her eyes her brisk honesty

he turned away from the streetaway from her her brilliance yet pervading him 

he walked a block to the amusement park beside the river he walked into the spasmodicpulsing and glitter of carnival lights their sinuous intoxication the strung lightbulbs quivered on the nights breath he listened to the undaunted squeals and laughter their bright happinessslick against entreatiesbright bubbles blown high into the sky from wideopen throats tearblinded eyes unfettered joy

he paid a clown sitting inside the barred Admissions booth 

the clown was a she and she pinned colouredpaper flowers to the lapel of his leatherfringed jacket
                                                                                                        which made him smile bemused him 

thanking her and walking away he rubbed his neckhis fingers working behind the collar under his long hair

the coolness off the river bled through the rents his fingers made in his hair

then he dropped his hand shook his head and the rents in his hair filled like hastilydrawn curtains

the amusement lights were brilliant like blazing forges 

walking up the sawdust concourse he could almost feel their electrical buzzingtheir warmth on top his head on his bearded cheeks

the games and rides didnt beckon him
                                         it was the blackness at the rear of the parkthe blackness that wove itself between the lighted gay amusement and the wide river

he stepped over a rope confinement onto dirt and then onto grass that was beaded with condensationsparking shallowly with reflected coloured light night tears which were memories of the hot day

in the distance he could make out the sparse black curtainthe jagged treeline that stood at the riverbank

the amusement park hadnt always been there
                                                 he had rode in a wagon to this place as a boy when it was a farm and the farmer rented horses and they rode the horses to the river where they caught crayfish and used them as bait to catch bass and perch and catfish 
                                    the stand of trees along the river were thicker then

riding back in late in summer they picked corn from the field and stuffed the ears inside their shirts

they paid the farmer and placed the fish and corn in the wagon and rode back to where they were picked up and walked the rest of the way home


the amusement sounds weakenedwere baffled by the pitched black of nightabsorbed by the old fields breath


at the rivers edge he took off his boots rolled up his pants and sat on a grassy cutbank and dangled his feet in the water


occasionally a fish jumped and flopped 

he listened to the birds muse in their roosts

when his eyes grew accustom to the dark he could catch the suddenthe acrobatic bats work above the water and the field


as a boy he wasnt brave enough to stay the night
                                                            monsters

by the time he was a young man hed met monsters
                                                       he found they had nothing on him




Too bad Florence wasnt older

1325,  Twosday,  7  1. 20
1151,  Twosday,  9  6. 20



he looked around

it was disconcerting

he wondered if he looked to them as they looked to him asif he was in a bubble too surrounded by an aura
                                                                                                                   an aura brighter than the purpling evening like lights glowing from inside a house its insides revealed to those outside it
weirdly voyeuristic but ya cant help yaself and not looknot see  inside


it played like that to the redsalmon pink dawn



the auras spoiled his sleep

he wanted to see

he fingered the blackjack in his coat pocketwatched his breath spread in the cool air

he thought theyd fold before dawn

he fingered the brass knuckles in his other pocket the switchblade beside it 

with the rising sun the auras disassembled frayed peeled feathers from a fowl being plucked dissipated  disappeared

he fingered the knife intimately  illegal length

he never had to use it

he only pulled it once to frighten away three black boys who chased him probably for fun their fun

he went around a street corner heeled and spun pulled the knife

they came around the corner SHIT chorused

Who wants steel boys

they spun ran disappeared around the corner

turning he closed the knife and fled down the sidewalk


he did use the sap and knuckles in fights  though only to help equalise numbers that he lacked



looking down towards the waterfronthad he paid any attention he would have seen staggered torches they dimmed now to pale halfmoons
                           what were they about

he walked down towards them

at the base of odd placedrandomly placed torches were naked stained skulls and scattered to their sidesclutched in withered molting clothing were skeletons  jerked flesh

weeping willows in front yards beyond them looked like etched distended jellyfish

occasionally some of the torches sputteredflickered new flames fumed black smoke but they were shortlived they moaned as they utterly expired

the skulls didnt look at each otherthey didnt look in the same direction either some sat on their determined jaws some on their sides a couplethree balanced on their tops

better than two dozens torches helter skelter leading down to the waterfront

they didnt lead him to it he turned back in the direction he came

he needed some sleephe needed not to be seen near the torches and that under them


he thought the auras had been weird enough



walking away he listened to the leather of his soles chaff on rotten concretehis hard rubber heels thump like some remote longlost heartbeat

late November 2019
1244,  Monday,  8  6. 20

8.6.20



what is deniable

what is plausible deniability


a needle in a hay stack


a linchpin to everyones dream  It wasnt me.   I am not me

Not you

No. I wasnt responsible.   unresponsive

You werent responsible

No.  Only to me



why it is that people have to be called outhave to be fingered  proven

why is it when you call them out they fall silent do they think they can hide behind it they have seen anything they have nothing to say


they might think if the gun was turned around on him he would act like they do

he wouldnt

hed admit what he did

if what he did was wrong he was accountable thats how he was raised   he didnt lie


he could supposed being silent wasnt lying


maybe they thought hed think they were also dumb
                                                       because if one is dumb they cant be held up to be wrong
dumb is dumb

wrong is wrong


somehow  they are comfortable


he was raised strict

he was accused of being strict   imagine  accused
he was strict
               they were cowards

but that was his word for their denial or their silence

he had no idea what their word was
                                       what their word for lying was


late November 2019
1132,  Monday,  8  6. 20



  Will

             Will can be a desperate course

   it can be a deliberate course

                                         it can be a desperately deliberate course


his family didnt have much when he was born  

he was blessed with superlative parents who held his reins looselywho heard him out when they differed  and they differed a great deal 

his mother accused him of being his fathers son and his father accused him of being hers 

eventually they admitted he was his own they were but two trees in an orchard that were cross-pollinated

they blamed the bees  

who he also had an affinity


with that decided and understood decided in his ninth year  his parents left him up to the rage inside him which he was able to benefit from because of his white skin  his fixed ethnoEastern European brute way

atop this steaming heap he recognised the gift of Will had also been provided him  an impossible ironclad Will that would not have a master other than he 

he sought no one to follow him in his course

he preferred no onepreferred to be his only casualty if that was where his willfulness lead

but he wasnt realistic

people were attracted to him
                               and maturing he realised that he couldnt dissuade others from aspiring to what was given him

he tried

he cautioned them they were not him

they were not as he called himself an open sewer that things avoided




Will

tolerate cheap pain which is nothing more than ones body reminding them they are alive they are in the moment  present 
         then painless days come  are treasured   and sometimes gentle  patient   amnesia
                                                                                                     before the brightred brilliant flower blossoms again


Will

        it is a gift from somewhere

he did not question it


he was grateful

thankful

2214,  Sunday,  7  6. 20
1041,  Monday,  8  6. 20


                           before the black blasted tree there was a tall singular room  Scandinavian design  austere intricate tiny lights hanging down from the exposed whitepainted pyramid roof rafters

the lights swayedmoved like tiny white birds a murmuration 
                                                                 they chittered as they flew and glanced off the honed beamsthe planked ceiling


family gathered in the room beneath the happy lightsthey had been invited to help themselves to the art supplies and askedif they wished to create something
                                          how they expressed themselves whether on paper or canvas with pencil coloured pencils charcoal brushed acrylic fingerpainted oil or watercoloured was up to them

he told his cousin he was going to sketch him in pencil dress him up in a seductive French maids outfit

they laughed 

he asked if he should pose

they laughed more

his cousin was skinny waifish a pale scarecrow  although he did afford him ridiculously spectacular tits

he tilted his cousin head in profile and across his broad pale cheek with a charred crumbling stick from the blasted tree outside he wrote
                   I found him hiding behind the wired wood slats of a fence

this tickled them too


his Aunt Ruthhis cousins mother was displeased

he told her he drew for his pleasure

she violently attacked the drawingknocked it downripped it to pieces pieces that sighed in the airshivered as they fell

her abrupt scornful attack ended the gathering
                                                 the tiny white birds coweredpressed themselvescrowded high up  quiet quiet on the beams clinging to minute footholds in ceiling


everyone parted uncomfortably they exited the warm honeycoloured paneled room and set out across a dark sod field to gather again at the hotels ballroom up the hill that overlooked the tall room the trees and river beyond

as they walked his tall gaunt severe Aunt Ruth walked among them sermonisingcrying out Biblical passages imploring them  they were family they should turn to God turn to his teachings of love and honor and respectJESUS
                                                                                           while walking behind them he stooped and picked up two heavy blackened branches  he beat them together in an attempt to drown out his aunts shrill words

their family avoided making eye contact with either Ruth or himself

he knew they werent God-fearingthey didnt cherish the Bible as Ruth did and he knew they also knew he thought it was abominable it was not the Word of God the Faithful were wise to give him a wide berth


entering the brightly lit ballroom the familys size diminished itmaking it smaller that it was by their sheer numbers it was cluttered with odd sofas and divans chairs individual and grouped

twos and threes sought to sit sought comfort after the uncomfortableness that happened in the art room and proceeded while acrossing the field

most of the family stood or milled about perhaps wonderingperhaps wondering if they shouldnt leave and take to the rooms let them

as their voices and discussions about what to do began to rise one of Ruths other sons began to speak
                                                                                                            he tried to put everyone at ease tried to leave the room the walk across the black field behind them he too offered psalms or prayers or passages or whatever they were

he didnt leave the charred branches outside the ballroom he was prescient  perhaps and again he began beating them together
         inside the ballroom they were sharpersounded like gunshots and were terribly more disruptive to his cousins words than his aunts

yet even as he banged the wood together he recognised his cousins tone was less abrasivehis words were more endearing he sounded like a peacemaker
                                             maybe had he thought to peacemake without the Father Son and Holy Ghost he wouldnt have been so brusk

a forgiving manhis cousin a better man than he

with his cousins invocation interrupted and quieted  peace   Ah  then suddenlyappearing from out of nowhere his Uncle John Ruths husband stood he seemed to unfurl he was ungainly tall he walked between odd-period furniture the chair-groups and like a geometric ray of determined length and direction finite Uncle John began to speak

he stood watching his uncle the burnt branches still in his hands but before he could smash them together to quiet his uncle too John suddenlywent erect asif transfixed then went overtumbled collapsed  convulsing
                                                                                                      he began to speak in tonguecrying from the floor as he flopped over and over himself as family yanked chairs and furniture out of the way so he didnt hurt himself against the legs and edges


he was wrong 

not tongue

Whoochie

Whooche speaking through his uncle that had to hurt  Whoochie was a flamboyant drag queen he saw perform in Texas once upon a time

Whoochie addressed them he slammed the branches together surprised there remained ash to shed and between his THUDs he cried Whoochie  Whoochie  Whoochie at the top of his lungs addressing him by name and as suddenly his uncle quit convulsing


he walked over to him 

his uncle lay still   

Uncle John he said

lying prone on the hardwood floor his uncle replied though not to him loudly he spoke to the assemblythe family he spoke of the artworks in the tall roomthe sparkling effervescent lighting he decried his wife Ruth, you were wrong! John said he was wrong for banging the sticks his son was wrong trying to intercede
                                                                                    and bit by bit his uncle shook Whoochie shook his intonation his drawl his black mans voice  and bit by bit as his uncles voice resurfaced more by more he became cognizant the Whoochie was gone had released his uncle
                                                           then  quietly his uncle said to him directly that he had stolen his car that he had driven it until it ran out of gas then abandoned it he couldnt remember where
I was lost he said
                    and through the resonance of I was lost Whoochie erupted  laughing percussively  IDIOT! We’re all lost; everyone! Everyone is lost!
he bitchslapped his uncle 

his head went sideways

Whoochie slipped outslithered in the slobber loosened by the sharp slap and violence Whoochie took its brunt not his uncle

GO he told Whoochie Youre frightening everyone They dont know who you are 
Youre the idiot

he could smell the fright in the room

they believed something else 

he wasnt going to hazard a guess

disembodied Whoochie stood 

he could vaguely make out his shimmer

Whoochie grabbed him at the shoulders not that anyone other than himself would know So they can believe what they like, and we’re, we’re not allowed ours?

then suddenly he evaporated in a thin mist above his uncle


his uncle wasnt aware

no one in the ballroom was aware

standing over his Uncle John  John looked up at him
                                                         I’m not here, am I?
No Uncle John

I’m dead.

You are

his spine went out of him he went lax like a rag doll on the parquet hardwood floor the finite ray his uncle had been began folding on itself  incrementally smaller and smaller by half and half  and half   and     gone


the smell of fright remained
                              though it wasnt as pungent
                                                            because they could disbelieve their eyes because they could dismiss this suddenness dismiss the irreality that a person was here then they werent
                                                                                              then they couldnt have been
because they too knew that Uncle John was dead


dead is dead after all



isnt it


when he had grabbed his frail cousin by the collar in the honeycoloured room when they offered to make an artpiece he also decided at that moment that he wanted to make an attendantan accompanying narrative to his piece
                                                                                                                and as he held his collar his cousin blanchedhis eyes rolled into his head and he transformed into a twodimensional sheaf of paper
which was what he drew on which was why he scribbled with the charred stick on his cheek
I found him hiding behind the wired wood slats of a fence

which inflamed his aunt to destroy the piece
                                               because he laughed
he laughed at her son

who laughed with him

the drawing trembledhumoured in their brotherhood
                                                       just before his mother ripped him down from the easel and shredded him


Why would you do that What possessed you to do that

violence was her answer


she didnt see her son as he and her son did


he was fragile

they accepted it

she could not

man is created in Gods image  Imago dei

her son could not be weak


she perceived weakness

they knew he was gentle


                                     really what could be more gentle than a buxom French chambermaid

0439,  Wednesday,  20  11. 19
1625,  Sunday,  7  6. 20

It’s a Beautiful Day  Girl With No Eyes  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e7ixKWmYux8