the plane was pushed back from the gate at Sea-Tac

he flew in from O’Hare the night before

he was returning to normal

                            rather returning to what had been normal  though itd never be again

normal was before

afterwards wasnt

I’m not going to see my sixtieth birthday.   You will, I’m not.

Please stop  you dont know that

Know?  No.  I don’t know. However I suspectI feel I won’t.     I’d bet money on it.  

Come on sweetheart you havent celebrated your fiftyninth birthday ye . .

. . It’s a week off.

Yes In a week  Im sayingyaknow wha Im sayin  Take it a day at a time 

he heard her smile break in the telephone receiver the smack of her lips was they curled  it wasnt a sarcastic smile wry   yes wry   A day at a timehuh? Take it. I’ve been taking it a day at a time, living one day at a time since I was fifty years old. Then it was breast cancer, the diagnosis, what a wonderful belated birthday present, the gift that just keeps on giving. 

And taking.

I remember

Fine. You remember.  I’ve had to live with it, if you can call chemo a lifestyle. I’m living day by day, waking up every morning crossing my fingers hoping it’s just been a bad dream, a real bad dream.

she cleared her throat  phlegm of sorrow desperation    

My life is a bad dream.

he wouldnt argue with her he called her once a weekoccasionally moved off their mark by her cancer to the next  he called to talk with her listen to spend all the time he could  

he listened to every word she said

he left it to her to change channelsget off subject shed ask what was new  she knew she could always count on him  he was a fount of useless interesting information

How do you know that? shed ask

Its not so much knowing baby as reading itseeing it  it catches my eye makes me curious

You’re not curious she said once you’re promiscuous. 

Wha                                                                                                                                                         

I tell everyone you’re promiscuousmy big brother is promiscuous. I get sympathy for your promiscuity, like a huge triple-dip ice cream conesugar cone, sympathy for it atop the sympathy I get for having had breast cancer; and now ovarian cancer. I let them think what they will. People love to think the worst of other people. It makes them feel better about themselves, don’t you think.

I think your chemos dementing you When did this evil bent of yours come on

she laughed heartily  I show the women your picture. It’s not evil; it’s entertaining. I got to get as many laughs as I can.

Even if it comes at my expense

They’ll never meet you. And when they look at your picture they say well that explains why he’s promiscuous. Some say they’d have sex with you. Then they catch themselvesare embarrassed; and then they say Is that okay with you? she laughed very hard I could be your pimp. 

Youre hilarious   Youve never admitted my promiscuity

Nope. No. Some fun, huh?

Some fun

Oh, trust me, it is fun!

he trusted her

she was also the last person in the whole world he would deny 

their last three conversations were very hard

they had the sudden pleasantry of hearing each others voice then she tried to catch breathfailed and failing burst into mournful tears

he was helpless 

he was useless

he listened to her heartbreaking sobs  wished he could be therematerialise out of thin air hold her stroke her head sssh sssh kiss her temples sssh help quiet her assure her he was there he had her sssh   sssh  Take your time my beautiful girltake your time  Take what you need Im here  Im not going anywhere  Not nowhere

I’m sorry, honey, I’m sorryso sorry. I keep telling myself I’ve convinced myself  I accept this  I understand  I do understand

I understand I’m not going to survive this cancer 

My mind, I’m all about the fight. But my body, physically, physically my body is spent, it can’t take it. I haven't any reserves.

I’m so very sorry. 

Please sweetheart no sorrys for me Im with you

You’ve always been with me.

Ill always be with you

she cleared her throat  I’ll  she stopped  I’ll always be with you.

Always

Yes.

Yes I have no doubt

Me either.

I love you

I love you.

           virtually their last words

when he got to Illinois she was unconscious  he was very upset he couldnt talk to her but leaving California he told those who asked he needed to see his sister

he thought the Fates were real shits to hold him to his word

 

0815,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  5  9. 18

0911,  Twosday,  11  9. 18

Rag ‘n Bone Man  Human  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3wKzyIN1yk

1600,  Saturday,  8  9. 18 texts

  :  i keep having dreams we get married. think we ever will? maybe they are fever dreams.

  :  Nicer yet  don’t you think  to have fever dreams come true?

  :  i do.

  :  Nice wording  don’t forget your line when the time comes

  :  haha. i could never.

i love you

  :  Baby  I love you, I love you very much

I love you long time (gotta let my freak flag fly – you know how I am)

  :  you’re something else.

  :  I’m your something else

Any requests?

  :  how about we leave that until tomorrow when we’re together?

  :  Okay  That gives me a day to warmup my repertoire

  :  don’t warm it up too much.

  :  Funny

I intend to scorch you 

a high horse

September 11 

I never refer to it as */**

17 years later

looks like a gravestone 

I feel badly for all the children who have been born since  and the children who were too young to understand how Bush & Company dismantled America  I feel badly for the generations who might never know the America and freedoms of my youth  how our ideals were shredded  how this New America was enabled by politicans of both stripes  unchecked by the Fourth Estate(made cheerleaders! unwilling to exercise their due diligence and thoroughly question and investigate -- perhaps fearful of being seen as unpatriotic – as if evidence or truth could be)  we knelt before their crusade we kowtowed to hubris  we were atomized by a phenomenally-successful terrorist attack which should have met its justice by a worldwide intelligence effort not by the slaughter of war  or rendition  or blacksites and torture  or Guantanamo not by the wholesale belligerence of deluded wannabe worldmakers

the atomisation continues because it is easier to kick the can down the road than to muster a revision and the courage to cease the farce of post-September 11

1141,  Twosday,  11  9. 18

technology  fucking technology

                              it waylaid himhe forgot his sister said she left a message on his machine he saw that he had 4  usually antagonizing robot telemarketers hawking bullshit were smart? enough to recognise when a machine answered their call and theyd disconnect  only to call againseveral times throughout the remainder of the day asif hed answer when a machine called Awfuck you  he had no respect for businesses or politicians who recorded robocalls

if he had his druthers hed set Tetsuo loose on emhave him fuck em in the ass with his enormous grinding drillbit cock

an thenonly then  would he listen to their screaming robosexcall    thatd be something

sometimes all one can do is hope

he tapped the PLAY button on the machine the wenchs wavering voice began to be fair it was probably 15 years old

voices didnt sound human syllables didnt align youHAVE foOR mesSAges  I gotta message for you right here he gripped and tugged his package through his cords  FIRerst MESsage  Hi Billy, this is Elaine. Im running late. Hold tight please. Ten minutes tops. 

Who the fuck was Billy and Elaine

theyd never be made into a song 

enthusiastically he killed the messagepunching the button with his middle finger

Joe.    Alright.  Joe. This is Andrew at McCarthys. The pool was shutdown this morning for repairs. You had a two oclock lane two. I hope you get this message before you come to the gym.

he didnt

Hi, Joe. I’m sorry I missed your call yesterday morhe stopped it  saved it

Awbaby my poor baby the words rode on his breath rather than him saying them  

the ensuing calls came to his cell from his brotherinlaw  things had veered all to hellhad become precipitous  they wanted to give her time to pull upcome out of this nosedive  she had before  

she had before

three calls in just over 24 hours 

the fourth call went to voicemail  he was driving  he got to the side of the highway and listened to it  Joe his brotherinlaws voice broke its a single syllable Youah betterah come soonasyouah can  Love ya 

his brotherinlaw could have won the audition 15 years ago to be the voice on his message machine

fucked by technology

                       and uglier thingsjust warming up would be coming down the pike  

occurred to me Saturday evening

1024,  Sunday,  9  9. 18

Tetsuo: The Iron Man  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZgMglURkjg

Think Im going to take a long walk on water

Huh

HUH  Do you know how abjectly stupid you sound when that comes out of your mouth Christ

I dont think I heard you right

What did you hear

I think you said I think Im going to take a long walk on water
You heard me wrong

If I heard you wrong how is my huh inappropriate

I didnt slur my words  I enunciated them unmistakably 

Easy Youre getting a little heated

Im always a little heatedyah

Yes You run hot

I do A blunt Huh is irritating

Im sorry

Apologies when yave nothing to apologise for is irritating

Im just irritating the hell out of you arent I

You are

What did you say

Are you listening

Im listening

I said Think Im going to take a long walk on water

Thats what I said

No  No you didnt

Thats what I said

No You said I think I thinkI think  I think  Im going to take a long walk on water

My Think implies I think  I dont have to say I  Do I

No

No  Its a pet peeve of mine  Isnt it

Yes

Yes You stroked my pet peeve If my pet peeve was a guardian Shepherd she would have eaten your hand

Yah

Yes

Thank you for the facile agreement

Facile

Ah you are listening

I was being ironic pulled back hard so I didnt cross over into sarcasm

You must be aware Im in a bad mood 

A long walk on water sounded appealing when I thought it more so when I said it

Cool my heels 

A long walk on water would probably sufficeyah

Yes

Yes Me and Christ Helps knowing where the stones are  Matthew Mark and John hadnt a clue 

when he was irritated he went after sources of his irritation

          

1628,  Saturday,  8  9. 18

0826,  Sunday.  9  9. 18

The Dandy Warhols  Not Your Bottle  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mFHpRRVQAE  nice when its played over itself

his sister wouldnt have approved 

                                    in letters he wrote the date as the day and the month  it was September 6

which he deciphered as 6 9.  blatantly numerical   sexual

it wasnt that she was a prude it was rather that he fecklessly implied sex injected it inseminating anything and everything he wrote or said  no matter how obscure 

it was a knack 

he insisted it was wit

he loved painting things red  

it was always just a matter of timehe never relented  Wait for it Wait  Wait for it  he played conversations fingered them as if they were instruments inevitably strumming it with nuance or raucously jamming I GOT BLISTERS ON MY FINGERS!

his sister wasnt a prude 

she just wasnt one to admit her sexual proclivities -- hed insist the word was proclitives – she was private she wasnt willing to admit to her big brother no matter how often he gleefully pushed her  You know she said a gentleman wouldn’t ask or even suggest.

No  Not a gentleman  Though who the fuck thinks Im a gentleman OhHellNo

Ive always try to give you the leeway to embrace it.

Ohbaby Youve known me too long to waste your time You know me better than that love

So  Do I need remind you

Remind me?

Oh definitelyyes  Remind you

Remind me she said softly  Remind me of what?

Really

Your really befuddles me.

May I illuminate a moment youve obviously forgotten suppressed  I think you may have suppressed it

I've suppressed something?

Definitely

Okay, smarty pants, what am I forgetting . . rather, suppressing, as you say?

You’ll have to tell me.

I’m drawing a blank.

I love blanks Lemme fill in your blanksketch in broad linesin a few words  Im confident once I crack the door an you see it all will coming rushing back to you

So?

The suspense is killing me.

Precisely  I think Im enjoying this more than I should

Apparently an inside joke?

For now  Youll be with me in a moment

I’m waiting.

A party A really fucking boring party  You were fifteen Dating Rich 

Anything

Nope.

A good scrub baby  At an apartment complex a swimming pool 

Nope.
Nope

Lots of apartment complexes have swimming pools. We went to a lot of parties together. You always forgot how old I was.

You were mature

I looked mature.

Ohyeayadid

And so?

I  figured  we could liven it up   skinnydipping
Ohmy! And you got naked in the livingroom. In front of everyone.  Jesus.                                                       

Ah  Bingo  You remember

Aw, Jesus.

You really remember

Stop. I do, I do.

That may have been a bit much to throw you into  Im sorryI apologise

You said you were sorry then.

I did
You did.

Huh 

Yes. After the police broke it up.

You came up to me and held me as I cried.

Im sorry you cried But it was reallyreally nice to get those girls out of their clothes  I wasnt disappointed

You didn't disappoint a lot of those girls when you lost your clothes either.

Wha can I say  I lead by example

You do. 

I appreciated your apology. 
Now, if only you had taken the time to dress before you hugged me and apologized quietly in my ear.

Ah wasnt high on my list Youve always been high on my list

Thank you. I didn’t want you to think poorly of me because I didn’t skinnydip.

Honey. I changed your diapers  I wasnt interested in seeing you naked

I guess there’s that.

Indubitably Ohgoodness   You ought to say that baby  It feels real good in your mouth

This isn’t going anywhere sexual is it?

Indubitably  Are you kiddin

Indubitably.

Softer

Indubitably.

Nicehuh

Yes. I’ll give you that.

Ive told you havent I  Ive nicknamed my cock Indubitably
STOP.

she wasnt a prude  she was reserved   he assumed however she was like pulling the pin on a grenade
    

            

1732,  Thursday,  6  9. 18
1139,  Saturday,  8  9. 18

it was like herso very like her  she was a real lulu

                                                        she always used her pleases and thank-yous  she acknowledged people if they provided her a kindness  no matter if it was an incidental politeness she always had a grateful word and never assumed she was entitled to them

kind

considerate

compassionate

                     but if need be  confrontational

when Hospice delivered a bed to her home for her comfort when two Fire Department paramedics came to move her safely from the master bedroom into what had been her childrens bedroomwhen cancers annihilation screamed it was irreversible  she gratefully undauntedly acknowledged each and everyone who helped her   

she tearfully thanked her husband thanked her daughter thanked her son for their kindnesses  for caring for her over the past nine years  she thanked them for enabling her and supporting her battle

you wouldnt think youd thank your family that they would be therehandsdown  day by day supporting you as you had always supported themYOURE FAMILYYOURE FAMILY however her parentsher brothers and sisters saw it differently 

they were nowhere to be seen

the indictment was she deserved her cancershe brought it on herself

a fallacy of course

                    but fallacy is in the eyes of the beholder 

they must have thought cancer was communicable if they thought at all

her parents her brothers and sisters   dismal    pathetic

with family like that who needs enemies

one brother held out

                             he wasnt going to be right for a long time

1009,  Friday,  7  9. 18  one week later

Lukas Graham   7 Years   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHCob76kigA