Think Im going to take a long walk on water

Huh

HUH  Do you know how abjectly stupid you sound when that comes out of your mouth Christ

I dont think I heard you right

What did you hear

I think you said I think Im going to take a long walk on water
You heard me wrong

If I heard you wrong how is my huh inappropriate

I didnt slur my words  I enunciated them unmistakably 

Easy Youre getting a little heated

Im always a little heatedyah

Yes You run hot

I do A blunt Huh is irritating

Im sorry

Apologies when yave nothing to apologise for is irritating

Im just irritating the hell out of you arent I

You are

What did you say

Are you listening

Im listening

I said Think Im going to take a long walk on water

Thats what I said

No  No you didnt

Thats what I said

No You said I think I thinkI think  I think  Im going to take a long walk on water

My Think implies I think  I dont have to say I  Do I

No

No  Its a pet peeve of mine  Isnt it

Yes

Yes You stroked my pet peeve If my pet peeve was a guardian Shepherd she would have eaten your hand

Yah

Yes

Thank you for the facile agreement

Facile

Ah you are listening

I was being ironic pulled back hard so I didnt cross over into sarcasm

You must be aware Im in a bad mood 

A long walk on water sounded appealing when I thought it more so when I said it

Cool my heels 

A long walk on water would probably sufficeyah

Yes

Yes Me and Christ Helps knowing where the stones are  Matthew Mark and John hadnt a clue 

when he was irritated he went after sources of his irritation

          

1628,  Saturday,  8  9. 18

0826,  Sunday.  9  9. 18

The Dandy Warhols  Not Your Bottle  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mFHpRRVQAE  nice when its played over itself

his sister wouldnt have approved 

                                    in letters he wrote the date as the day and the month  it was September 6

which he deciphered as 6 9.  blatantly numerical   sexual

it wasnt that she was a prude it was rather that he fecklessly implied sex injected it inseminating anything and everything he wrote or said  no matter how obscure 

it was a knack 

he insisted it was wit

he loved painting things red  

it was always just a matter of timehe never relented  Wait for it Wait  Wait for it  he played conversations fingered them as if they were instruments inevitably strumming it with nuance or raucously jamming I GOT BLISTERS ON MY FINGERS!

his sister wasnt a prude 

she just wasnt one to admit her sexual proclivities -- hed insist the word was proclitives – she was private she wasnt willing to admit to her big brother no matter how often he gleefully pushed her  You know she said a gentleman wouldn’t ask or even suggest.

No  Not a gentleman  Though who the fuck thinks Im a gentleman OhHellNo

Ive always try to give you the leeway to embrace it.

Ohbaby Youve known me too long to waste your time You know me better than that love

So  Do I need remind you

Remind me?

Oh definitelyyes  Remind you

Remind me she said softly  Remind me of what?

Really

Your really befuddles me.

May I illuminate a moment youve obviously forgotten suppressed  I think you may have suppressed it

I've suppressed something?

Definitely

Okay, smarty pants, what am I forgetting . . rather, suppressing, as you say?

You’ll have to tell me.

I’m drawing a blank.

I love blanks Lemme fill in your blanksketch in broad linesin a few words  Im confident once I crack the door an you see it all will coming rushing back to you

So?

The suspense is killing me.

Precisely  I think Im enjoying this more than I should

Apparently an inside joke?

For now  Youll be with me in a moment

I’m waiting.

A party A really fucking boring party  You were fifteen Dating Rich 

Anything

Nope.

A good scrub baby  At an apartment complex a swimming pool 

Nope.
Nope

Lots of apartment complexes have swimming pools. We went to a lot of parties together. You always forgot how old I was.

You were mature

I looked mature.

Ohyeayadid

And so?

I  figured  we could liven it up   skinnydipping
Ohmy! And you got naked in the livingroom. In front of everyone.  Jesus.                                                       

Ah  Bingo  You remember

Aw, Jesus.

You really remember

Stop. I do, I do.

That may have been a bit much to throw you into  Im sorryI apologise

You said you were sorry then.

I did
You did.

Huh 

Yes. After the police broke it up.

You came up to me and held me as I cried.

Im sorry you cried But it was reallyreally nice to get those girls out of their clothes  I wasnt disappointed

You didn't disappoint a lot of those girls when you lost your clothes either.

Wha can I say  I lead by example

You do. 

I appreciated your apology. 
Now, if only you had taken the time to dress before you hugged me and apologized quietly in my ear.

Ah wasnt high on my list Youve always been high on my list

Thank you. I didn’t want you to think poorly of me because I didn’t skinnydip.

Honey. I changed your diapers  I wasnt interested in seeing you naked

I guess there’s that.

Indubitably Ohgoodness   You ought to say that baby  It feels real good in your mouth

This isn’t going anywhere sexual is it?

Indubitably  Are you kiddin

Indubitably.

Softer

Indubitably.

Nicehuh

Yes. I’ll give you that.

Ive told you havent I  Ive nicknamed my cock Indubitably
STOP.

she wasnt a prude  she was reserved   he assumed however she was like pulling the pin on a grenade
    

            

1732,  Thursday,  6  9. 18
1139,  Saturday,  8  9. 18

it was like herso very like her  she was a real lulu

                                                        she always used her pleases and thank-yous  she acknowledged people if they provided her a kindness  no matter if it was an incidental politeness she always had a grateful word and never assumed she was entitled to them

kind

considerate

compassionate

                     but if need be  confrontational

when Hospice delivered a bed to her home for her comfort when two Fire Department paramedics came to move her safely from the master bedroom into what had been her childrens bedroomwhen cancers annihilation screamed it was irreversible  she gratefully undauntedly acknowledged each and everyone who helped her   

she tearfully thanked her husband thanked her daughter thanked her son for their kindnesses  for caring for her over the past nine years  she thanked them for enabling her and supporting her battle

you wouldnt think youd thank your family that they would be therehandsdown  day by day supporting you as you had always supported themYOURE FAMILYYOURE FAMILY however her parentsher brothers and sisters saw it differently 

they were nowhere to be seen

the indictment was she deserved her cancershe brought it on herself

a fallacy of course

                    but fallacy is in the eyes of the beholder 

they must have thought cancer was communicable if they thought at all

her parents her brothers and sisters   dismal    pathetic

with family like that who needs enemies

one brother held out

                             he wasnt going to be right for a long time

1009,  Friday,  7  9. 18  one week later

Lukas Graham   7 Years   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHCob76kigA

“Trump says in an interview Friday with reporters aboard Air Force One that he believes the (New York Times) opinion piece critical of his leadership is a "national security" issue.”

carelessly what else is new omitting that not only is he a national security risk  but also a national embarrassment

just one more brazen instance

                                Mr FAKE PRESIDENT  You reap what you sow

1004,  Friday,  7  9. 18

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/the-latest-trump-wants-sessions-to-investigate-op-ed-writer/ar-BBN0ART?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDjlaN-X8-0

sometimes when a very hard thing is finished we pause  catch our breath  sigh   then catching our breath again we say out loud Its done

                          knowing it will never be done

whats to be done about that?

he hadnt consider that he was too busy trying to screw his head on rightthe treads werent having it

their before was different than afterwards

hed have to retread them and that wasnt a tool he could readily find

that is a tool Time made

                        and Times priorities and his were offset  he had no leverage

he would have to be patient

fortunately he was

1156,  Twosday,  4  9. 18

1611,  Thursday,  6  9. 18

he liked wordshow could anyone not like words  speciate yadon hear it that often  perhaps hear it as often as seeing it written

zottas (in excess of billionaires according to Cory Doctorows Walkaway pg 231) zottas (perfectly derogatoryhuh) zottas who thought they could speciate and overcome death (just when he thought we were having problems)

speciate to form or develop into a new biological species 

Money is the root of all Evil  speciate 

can ya imagine Money speciating

unfortunately he could it didnt seem recent politicians of either stripe had the balls to stomp some white immaculate manicured custommade suited nads letem know they had had their time in the Sun and it was about time we pulled back despite the Supremes  despite their warped logictheir legalistic thinking  Corporations are peopleHORSESHIT  their Money is free speech  the wag of their manufactured tongues

fucks

Indeed!  Christhe loved indeed 

he nearly loved indeed as much as he loved concur  to be able to say I concur or have someone concur with him was like a soft breathy kiss at ones ear  at their throat  foreplay  

vukojebina  a bit more guttural  though definitely not unworthy (also Walkaway pg 229)  Serbian/Croatian where wolves fuck

             unless one hasnt walked in a deep woods or enjoyed the Great Outdoors those Mickey Mouses would have to settle on bumfuck nowhere  or shithole  though not any African countries the American president coloured outside the lines with that unfortunate term 

but hes a shithead 

yacant expect much

                     yacant expect scintillating words to emerge from a mealymouthed corrupt fuck

for the record despite its corrosive power he really liked the word fuck   

he couldnt say how many times he used it and in the variety of situations he used it while fucking  to provoke while fighting  cheering  in sorrow  despair

in elation

a multiexpletive  sometimes words grow in peoples mouths

1037 to 1511,  Twosday, 28  8. 18

Theres something I have to do

Ill be back when Im back

Day-between-Two-Ts,  29  8. 18

as life dribbles away

                       would we rather it had happened in one fantastic gush? 

or would that now-impossible-fantasy neutralise or negate the desperate long hard-fought battle we waged for our life  ourselves  our families members   who never asked us to fightwe fought without them asking
we didnt have to  

our minds fought

our bodies fought   we neglected to recognise its fragility 

fighting  and failing

thats the questionisnt it the question those of us who are healthy rarely reflect uponwe rarely want to ever turn over that rock and see the natural decay the crawling bugs hidden beneath it   

a frank coercion stays our footprefers we NOT stir up a sleepy colony of ants hive of bees nest of hornets you must recognise your insectual analogy the creepycrawly infusion bore by reality our innate fear  lifes inevitability

our agonisinginhibiting factuality

we try our utter best to deny and defy

                                         denying and defying as much as we ignore the mechanical automation of our next breath

              until it catches in our throats and we gasp bugeyed

                                                                      that we assume will come because it has come thoughtlessly thanklessly the entirety of our lives 

                                          what? when it is suddenly abysmally scarce

and bugeyed we see farther and deeper than we have ever seen before

                                                                            because we are seeing our last    ?

as life . . . 

1558,  Sunday,  26  8. 18

a triangular spot of sun off a motefilled drift a ray of sunshine busting through the bathroom window struck the side of the tub as he swept the curtain aside to run a shower 

spray from the elaborate showerhead played on the acrylic wall above the tub and splashed and threw silverirradiated lines across the sunlights throat

                                  and seeing it he paused  the silverthreads incited him to thinkto wonder what it might be like if he could somehow fastforward through this hard time and rather live in its aftermath  of whatever he did or didnt do  the episodes pithed separated from any memory this time would otherwise make 

hide

       is that what he wanted to do  

simply contend with the aftermath asif he awoke from a comaa pregnant comma that stretched and enveloped however many days or weeks he reluctantly faced reluctant to inhabit  to live  suffer his inevitable heartachethe ratchet of his heartbreak   suddenlyemerging afterwards

hurtles hurtled

pain subsiding

easing

not very realistic 

cowardly

1705,  Sunday,  26  8. 18

0937,  Monday,  27  8. 18

thank you babe   Skylar Grey  Intro – Wilderness  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYnVg2cgVNg

Christ theres no end to it  he is inhumane

                                               he is a FAKE PERSIDENT  Individual – 1  a petty man

Senator McCain was respected on both sides of the aisle  he was a War Hero  he was tortured  he was the likes of someone who would stick in the petty presidents craw 

the Senator was someone Drumpf would never be  because he never risked being

it is untoward and miserable that an American President has to be forced to proclaim the US flag be flown at halfmast until after Senator McCain is interred

1609,  Monday,  27  8. 18

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/flags-at-white-house-return-to-half-staff-in-tribute-to-mccain/ar-BBMv2re?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout

leave it to Virginia Woolf to pronounce that she sought to record atoms as they fell upon her mind  writing the atoms as they fall upon the mind  Virginia he would have interrupted you cannot disassociate yourself  Its not the mind its your mind your particular mind that you write of  from where your words are distilled  issued  to arrest and tantalise our thoughts an pluck our tongues

he wondered if she could take a compliment

in the same article the reason why he entered its space  Violette Leduc a Genet sidekick he gaspedWhat amazing company! 

Violette wrote in her The Lady and the Little Fox Fur of an old lady whose life she defined  her world consisted of nothing but what she had invented

he nodded

he wasnt startled OUR worlds consist of nothing but what we invent

particularly when we think of our granular experiences

                                                         our fictions the fictions we enforce in our nonfictions inherently nonfictions are disturbed by what is innate to us  and inculcated  cultured  prejudices no matter how hard an eye we hold up to our system we will always possess a slight shading colouring hedging  because were human  if the smell of a room distracts us it might influence our considerations our nonfictions  our blatant fictions

we walk wires rocks paths wewalk talk  reveal

                                                    and if were smart we listen

we ingest

again if were smart digest 

atoms

inventions

invented atoms?

                 all of it is worthwhile if we dont want to be thoroughly pwned

1608,  Sunday,  26  8. 18

1507,  Monday,  27  8. 18

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2018/aug/25/great-comic-subjects-in-the-right-hands-the-genius-of-french-author-violette-leduc?utm_source=esp&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=Bookmarks+-+Collections+2017&utm_term=284275&subid=23491685&CMP=bookmarks_collection

strike while the irons hot

strike while the irons hot

melding folding metal  a smithy hammer and an anvil

ironing shirts who does that anymore?  he did

branding cattle (dont neglect yourself dont breathe in while branding  its awful   its nasty)

making blueberry waffles

physical iterations

his was emotional

his anvil is an electric white pagehis hammer the puny keys of a keyboard

pent up wild emotions ciphered into common words

                                                      because what would be the point of writing cryptically about his feelings  his emotions  which all human beings share despite their wide varying degrees or shades obscure black to lightningbright white

this communique is a miserable attempt to strike while the irons hot

                                                                      because his emotional confusionhis battle vied warm bloodred hope against cold concrete reality              

idealists at the get-go dont have a firm grip on reality  reality is elastic  malleable   unfixed

he doesnt see his sisters body rendered by cancer  exhausted   decimated

he hears her lively vital voice  albeit tinged with exhaustion worked to wearinesshe hears her rapid neurons snapping wet towels at naked asses in a high school shower Leave your fleshy ass turned to me so I dont accidentally snap your pecker or slap you in the ballsTHATLL HURT

he hears her voice now as astonishing as he heard her voice when she was a babe  disgruntled without the words  crying FEED ME! CHANGE MY DIAPER! FIGURE OUT MY DISPLEASURE

                                                                             but sometimes she just needed to cry

she needed to learn that she was as responsible for her comfort  as much as they were in trying to alleviate her touted discomforts they assumed and discovering their T’s crossed I’s dotted insoluble  they let her to determine her druthers thats from where druthers come

he heard herhe hung on every word she said

                                               and when she says I better go. I’m taking up too much of your time.he abruptly interruptedNo youre not If youre tired thats something else I love spending my time talking with you I love you sweetheart

she admits shes exhausted

he doesnt want to let her gohell never let her go  Okay  Then well talk next week

Yes. Next week.

when theres no Next week   When theres no next week When theres no next weekwhat will he do  theyve been talking like this for better than six years every week

                                                  what will he do

hell remember what he can

hell talk about his baby sister until he cant talk anymore

then only one thing will be able to shut him up

1134,  Sunday,  26  8. 18