Fourth Quarter said his sister thought he might be suffering anhedoniahe interrupted What  I dont know what that is I dont even think I can repeat itwhenever I hear a word I dont know like an air horn goes off in my headblares obliterates the word bars me from hearing its completely Ever have that problem  

No  Not a problem   The words anhedonia

Glitchin on the pronunciationcould you spell it please  Cant see it break it down 

A – n – h – e - d – o – n – i - a

Awrightawright    Got it now mutters its spelling a-n-h-e-d-o-n-i-a    Hedon unit of pleasure a hedonist seeker of pleasure  An  Prefix   Without or not    Unable to sensefeel pleasure   Whayour sister thinks youre unable to feel pleasure

Yes  She said maybe it was my problem

Yourah  sister  She also lost her father her brother her sisterinlaw  But shes not suffering anhedonia 

Well    No  My sister has Gods comfort you see

Aah   God called her family home theyre with Him safe an sound an waiting for the time when theyll be united again   

Yes

I didnt know your sister was so religious

She is  Yes

Wow

Yes

What did you reply

I told her I thought it was an interesting postulate  I was in a funk for sure

Such a funk that you couldnt feel pleasure

NoI was feeling pleasurefelt pleasure  Not sexual pleasure . .

. . Your wife died

Yes   Yes she did

Sexual pleasure would go to the back burner for awhile

Yes

Emotionally stigmatised  Momentarily cauterised  Take a break from thinking with your cock  Sorry Im blunt force man

Thats alright

However you still derived pleasurehappiness from your childrenan the variety of pleasures your senses inform

Yes

Have you dismissed your sisters anhedonia

I have

Has she

Does she still think Im suffering it

Yes

She does  She says she able to be objective

Did she say where she gathered that notion  Its not usual fare

I thinkif Im correct she read about it in articles from Psychology Today

M-D-D huh

Excuse meWhat

M-D-D major depressive disorder  Psychology Today  A great place to shop for new pharmaceuticals  Your brain in a pill Who reads Psychology Today

My sister she has a subscription

Great  I call my subscriptions prescriptions Literary political magazines Bolstered by lots an lots of booksyour sister reads Psychology Today doesnt she also take psychotropicsI seem to remember you saying something along those linesif Im not mistaken something about her psychologistspsychiatrists  something

Yes  For a long time now

The magazines a great place to find interesting words  Lotsa Latin Greek roots

Yeah   I suppose so

An I suppose nothing a little mindfulness wouldnt also help  Im particularly mindful that while I seek my happiness Im not supposed to be happy all the time Gotta feel blue sometimes  If you cant feel blue you certainly cant feel happiness  Flipside of the same coin  Love hate  Same coin  You cant have one without the other   I take issue with happy pills

You dont think talking to a psychologist or psychiatrist would help  Drugs might help

You ever play catch with a rubber ball off a brick wall because no one else was around

No

Really

Never did

Go play catch with yourself  Aint a fuckin soul who knows you better than you do

concept November 19

1031,  Twosday,  5  12. 17

1142 days remaining  or less

das geheimnisse

            doesnt that look suggest  sound far more innarestin  appealin  than its Anglosaxonised (miserable) word  secrets

          secretes    one way secrets get outbecome known 

she led

he followed

she didnt say she knew where she was going  without a word she abruptly turned her back on him an walked away  she ignored him as he called to her

                            he nearly didnt follow her

there were times in the past he didnt

                              then she was agitated more than now

an without a reason to finger he was compelled                                                                              

one might call it a gut feeling

yet this was to a man who hadnt anything he described as a gut feeling or . . .  ah yes  intuition  he left his intuition theirs up to her

it wasnt a cop out
                   if you dont have thumbs you dont stand along a highway trying to thumb a ride

she walked away

she was obviously disturbed

he went after herhe had no choice compelled

                                      what is compulsion?  guilt  ignorance  regret . . .   fear

he followed behind her  maybe thirty thirtythree steps
when she took a corner rounding it he found she hadnt altered her cadence
her lead remained the same

he walked heavily

she was probably aware he was following her

she wasnt deaf

the sky was troubled 

it twisted fretfully an darkened 

one might say it threatened rain

she didnt lookup

she kept her head bent forwardeyes on the ground 

he saw it   

the sky wasnt threatening

it was a done dealjust a matter of when

when the rain came it wept softly   miserably

cold

it made his shoulder ache        

she hunched her shouldersshook her sleeves down over her hands then her hands into her armpits 

she looked neither left or right at the buildingsnot the warmlighted businesses for refuge

the streets looked greased

cars slitheredanhissed

the sky grew darker angrier 

the rain whispered  

the weather  her lead  irritated him

yet he kept pace an followed

then ahead over her he saw a bricked warehouse appear loom out of the pall

nearly imperceptibly she lifted her head upit fell again

her pace quickenedher heels sharper at the pavement

he spedup his pacehis weight disappearing out of his steps  closed their distance

she couldnt hear him now

he wouldnt let her

she walked through a broken gate in a tall chainlinked fence at its perimeterup the cracked an weedsplit walk to a threestepped greenmould concrete stoop 

a pair of dilapidated glasspaned doors were ajar 

she sidestepped between them

he was at the stoops thresholdcovered the steps in two boundsslipped between the heavy doors
he wasnt thirteen feet behind her

they entered a wide blackangreen tiled lobby strewn with brokenglass leaves sticks slips of discarded mildewed typed pages

a yawning doorway was deadcenter at the lobbys rear 

it gave onto a stairwell

she went through it an up

stairs to landings

once around the landings an up she was blind to the steps she had ascended

he followed her up four flights

there she entered a huge pillared room

tall glasspaned windows lighted it a sicklyyellow light

from where it emanated he couldnt discern 

their shadows cast about like wraiths

there were odd stacked ruined cardboard boxes an wood crates whose tops were brokeopen splintered by anglebars or clawhammers  packing shred littered the floor

she weaved her way between them  neared the dull illuminated windows

he flanked her left  his access free of debris

something long an black laid perpendicular to the windowpanes on the timber floor before her

she stopped walking

she shook the rain out of her hair

it fell on her shoulder in strands

she disrobed laid her coat blouse and long skirt on a broken crate

she wasnt wearing undergarments

she stepped forward an straddling the black object

her skin was goosefleshed

her head tilted forward held down submissively

the object moved slightly 

he watched

it wiggled

he watched

a mans head emerged from the top of it nearest the windows  his shoulders emerged  then his arms 

he grasped her legs above her boots an scooted his body on the floor positioning his head nearly between her spread legs 

a slick was evident where he dragged himself

then neither moved

he watched

the man said something he couldnt make out

she began to squat

                infuriated he sprang soundlessly like a cat at a mousechucked her with his forearmknocking her off her feet onto the floor

he turned to the bedrolled man

who seethedspit through his teeth You have no control over her an grimacing to laughbut it broke as he was snatched off the floor

An you wont either he grunted  Control  Manipulation   Damn youhe humped him up over his head an pivoted using the mans weightused his head to plow through the paned glass an heaved him into the courtyard or whatever lay below

if he screamed he didnt hear himhe had turned to her prostrate formher mewling  he walked over to her

she looked drugged

her eyes wandered the floorwandered his boots beside her head 

he knelt

he caressed her cheek with the back of his hand

her eyes lighted with his touchan who she was timidly nimbly began to suffer her  an as her awareness wound around her she grasped his hand
she began to weep  

There he said  There now  Quiet 

he slipped his coat off an sitting her up he gently wrapped her in it

she shivered

Im cold she said

              since turning her back to him Im cold spoke volumes to him inferredhe hoped that she was returning from wherever it was she had been

he scraped up packing excelsior broken bits of crate an lids an began a fire

he wrung an draped her wet coat an clothing on a tepee of upset crates

the smokes shroud exited with the warehouses exhale through the broken windowpane

the light grew stronger in her eyes

off a dream early Friday morning  1713,  Friday,  1  12. 17

1501,  Saturday,  2  12. 17

Tricky  The Only Way  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kX3JCrEs_qw