6.8.17



sometimes he wokefuck what others might thinknot that that was often a remedial consideration and poured himself a tumbler of whiskey to sip with his tin cup of fresh ground fresh made black coffee

mebbe the only failing of his proposition was a fresh lit cigarette  straight  Camel  Lucky Strike  Players Navy Cut
but then he was getting exotic 
                       he remembered a Irish girl he bedded in Miami who smoked Players  she laid on the bed after they tossed it furiously most the night  the sun reddening the sky painting the ceiling  she smoked a Players  tapped it into a small glass ashtray balanced in the hollow of her belly just above her bush  there was something mighty sensual from where he kneeled at the foot of the bed  threads of smoke seemed to rise out of her still glistening pussy  made him think of breakfast pancakeshe was hungry Sinéad you wanna bite  she laughed gayly  he couldnt see her face he missed her dimples  she set the ashtray burning cigarette on the bed beside her and spread her legs Dun mind if ey do  he laughed  then rising on his knees stretching out to her he grabbed her by the hips and dragged her towards his mouth   Then well have breakfast eh     Then she said


she grabbed handfuls of his hair and pulled hard
 

0709,  Saturday,  5  8. 17

5.8.17




he marveled

        whoever spat their chewing gum into the gym urinalby all intents and purposes could still be chewing it   it appeared immaculate clean-white(though possibly its refreshment tainted)

he marveled that they chose to spit it in the urinal

entering the Mens lockerroom  walking through it to the restroomat its rear they walked past three trash cans  but since it was someone else job to clean the bathroomchange the urinal cakes toilet paper scrub the toilets 
                                                                            why be considerate
why not be a slob


once upon a time he pushed back on chores  the trading off  setting the dinner table and glassware  cleaning off the dinner tablerinsing off the pots and pans plates cooking utensils knives and silverware  washing the dishes  drying the dishes and putting them in their cabinets 

Why am I doing this stuff   This is womans work

his mother beginning to exit the kitchen through the swinging saloon doors wheeled around and stuck her face into his  Again

You heard me

I want to be sure I heard you correctly   Again

(doubling down) I said why am I doing this stuff  Its womans work

the –ork was barely out of his mouth when his mother cracked him on the cheek with an opened-hand slap
Why do you think  Or do you just open your mouth and bray like an ass as unthinking as an ass is

the slap didnt hurt him

it got his attention(probably her intent)

Why do you think


Im sure I dont know
Im sure you dont know either 
                        Your doing womans workas you call it  all of it the laundry the line-dry the ironing the cooking the cleaning every bit of it so when you leave this house this house is my house youll not be a bum some woman has to clean up after and take care of because you werent taught betterYoull not be a bad reflection on me or a bad example of what a man is because anything youll ever do in your life will be mans work  Theres no such thing as womans work except having a baby

Men dont have babies because they cant take the pain

So now you know  Youre not going to be a bum


the slap didnt hurt him
                 being called a bum cut him to the quickcaught in his craw  it squirted a couple of tears in his eyes

Better step on it you still got homework  and youre putting your baby brother down for the night too



he didnt see much difference between a bum and a slob

1200 and 1646,  Friday,  4  8. 17

4.8.17



They werent there


it didnt bother him that they werent there  what grieved him was that she wasnthis wife wasnt  for if it was anyones place to be there it was hers

she could have been there would have been there if her family had been honest with hernot suffused magically thinking enforced by hope
               if they werent selfish

but they knew what was best for her
                               they never relinquished their damaged thinking
and try as he may severely pathologically always bringing this memory to the fore  it dropped in his lap left to him to inform her  tell her her ally the greatest love of her life was dead    

WAS DEAD  



she should have been there
she would have been the first to know
                                 instead . . . . he waited five hours on the news caring for their three-month old daughter until she returned home thoroughly unsuspecting  waylaid   ambushed    skewered

as her family knew she would be


her eldest sister who he was devoid of trust or any confidence said as much
This is going to kill her     

kill her
         HER
in the abrupt minutes after their mothers death she couldnt call her sister by name


callous

he was a fool if he thought more of her

fortunately he never did

she was a perverse harpy squatted happily on carrionsmacking her lips  licking her fingertips  her bites of dead flesh seemingly delectable Belgium chocolates

he replied strictly
Who is this going to kill
(her singular fortune at that moment was he couldnt get his hands around her throat)

Well  Cece of course

he knew their mothers death wouldnt kill Krisshe preferred being called Kristy
  
he made a point of never calling her Kristyof never allowing any sweetness Kristy might imply

he didnt implyhe left nothing with this family(his by marriage) implied
he was explicit
hard-edged

he could cut diamonds

he gave his wifes family no brook


which curiously  his wife recognised and berated him  although somehow was unable to see it fester in them towards her

his rejoinder to her anger was unremarkable
                                                  I love you Cece
Im treating them as they treat you




it did kill her


it was a slow death                           
                     3 August 1979     2 January 2002 

the half-life subset to the dates on her headstone


1644,  Thursday,  3  8. 17
Molly Pitcher

The Kilimanjaro Darkjazz Ensemble  I Foresee the Dark Ahead, If I Stay  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnVaaKT9tg4