he was having a whisky and a cigar earlier than he should

                                                                                                                                                                      maybe

       but then by whose standard

and what did he care of someone elses

he did not

he would weigh out their opinion

but opinion was a far cry from fact and the fact of the matter was he wanted the whisky  he wanted the waft and inhale of thoughtful tobacco that was handrolled by someone hed never meet and whose skill he hadnt and whose skill any skill he did not possess he celebrated

he tipped his glass to the unknown roller

he sipped his whisky and soda

the tickling of the icecubes sounded like applause  and affirmation  clean and refreshing

then mused with another puff and inhale of the cigar

the sun was on his back and its embrace was reason enough to want and to enjoy

need be damned this afternoon

it was nice to want when wanting rarely held sway over him

he received a letter in the mail informing him that a long-ago friendship he often tried to rekindle with handwritten letters and never received word back had died

his gathered letters were found by his executor and the she took it upon herself to artfully compassionately break the news to him

with sincere aplomb she related his friend died several months earlier and she was terribly sorry that the estate was significantly involved and stood between their communication

her letter was handwritten 

                       exceptional

it was rare in his experience that people took pen in hand and communicated any more

it was significant that she recognised said as much it would been brusk to reveal his friends death in a convivial a more convenient manner

conspicuously

she reaffirmed in him         

someone else held his standard

he never assumed he set a high-bar standard despite accusations and chastised he was out of step  out of time

ease and immediacy seemed warranted to-day

thoughtless ease and irredeemable immediacy

he laughed cruelly

                then mockingly he tipped his glass and sipped his whisky again

acknowledging their perversity  modernitys degeneracy  the bane of on-line presences

after reading the letter  in the blue curling trail of smoke from his cigar sifting into the breathless sky -- maybe it held its breath – he saw his friend

he saw again some of their youthful antics

he smiled

death takes a body takes its animating force covets the stolen memories

no one was truly dead however  until they were no longer remembered

he took pains to remember all his friends to his children and even his grandchildren so their names despite their faces unknown aroused excited recollection

they were their friends by extension  happy friends

when he finished his drink and cigar hed call his family and let them know their friend had died

1338,  Friday, 12 8. 16

the old woman kept pushing up against what she thought was her leverage her short leash about her daughters throat that she pulled taut and let slack as she thought fit heeling her daughter then allowing her her head                                                                            

and to breathe

she desperately wanted to kill any sense of autonomy her daughter held

this the old woman did out of sight of him

she lived(if she wanted to call her shut-in-ness living) in a different community than he

he understood

her daughter understood the leash

a leash her mother unfurled when she was a small girl

he understood that her daughter understood the ease her mother lied about everything

the smallest thing

when they had to go out together her mother kept the ignorant ignorant flawlessly  playing her part in public humiliating her daughter before their sympathetic tsk tsk that her daughter was remote selfish and unconcerned regarding her mothers misfortunate infirmities

they wouldnt treat their mothers if they were still alive as badly as this attractive young woman was treating hers

they didnt know the mother exacerbated her infirmities     

she flatly refused to do things her doctors suggested which would help her physically mitigate them

why would she

isnt that why she took the drugs they prescribed

the drugs were supposed to correct her maladies

the extent required of her was to take them timely with a sip of water and sometimes with food(better living through chemistry)  

in telephone calls her daughter made to him he was reduced to offering Someone ought to give her an Oscar

Shes a miserable fake and a liar

She is

the receiver went quiet

he had nothing more to say

he waited

What am I to do

I suppose youll play your part until you tire of playing it

Shes not going to changeWhy should she

Im enabling herYou should say so

I have said so I said so long ago

I wont whip a dead horse

This is maddening

It is

And then one day youll have enough and youll stop

And then

And then

         shell still not understand

What shell know is that youre an ungrateful bitch a wretched bitch and selfishly youre abandoning her

I cant win

Its not about winning

despite your mother competing with youShes intent on winning the pissing matches she creates in her mind

You cant compete

I wont compete

She thinks keeping you from me she winning something She thinks shes getting up on me

Dont get me wrong

I adore our time together

But when youre not here I dont think about why you arent  I do everything I want to doyou might say selfishly 

Your mother never crosses my mind

Its not that I dislike her

I dont think of her

  

But shes my mo . .

. . Im a father and I would never treat my daughters how she treats you

Never

1444,  Thursday,  11  8. 16

1256,  Friday,  12  8. 16

John Lennon  Mother  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eDVkkwl6aJo

Painkillers one-off show in Paris 2008why did it take him this long to get there

                                                                not   NOT a rhetorical question

it was his habit was to exhaust anything he found which titillated or stoked him

howd he miss it

behind him(but not forgotten) was a chain of girlfriends like delicious emptied coloured liquor bottles gently laid on grassy lawns capped by tied-off chubby condoms

it began as a lark a random thing as a teenager

he slept with a girl whose parents -- her father insanely so – felt it was their parental noblesse-oblige(he said that – her parents hadnt a clue) to deny their daughter her blooming blossoming abundant sexuality fresh-baked warm and buttered cinnamon roll from any boy who appeared at their door wearing a milk-moustache and licked at it with his tongue like a serpent

                   though Mommie seemed to squirm in her pants  and that slight pressing of her thighs together

that clandestine shift that wholly seismic shift resonated in him slopping semen wall-to-wall barely contained informing him then and there that Mommies   Mommies(Eureka!)  were the integral skeleton-keys to undo the invisible chastity belts(if Daddy had his way baby would be strapped)(so Medieval) undo the fear and loathing they fomented in their young daughter about their governance over her mind(mind-fuck) her body and her virginity

when he stumbled out of his virginity so did his girlfriend

it was blissful and innocent

itches scratched they slowly and deliberately discovered more and more about their sexuality

he discovered he had more in common with knowing girls than unknowing girls but because the field wasnt far-flung the produce locally-grown he was sensitive(he surprised himself) with the unknowing girls

he didnt force himself on them 

unlike the laughing louts around him who had no idea girls could cum

and were more about their rutting and cumming   and going

than they were about the girls who

as they said  serviced them

they should have just jerked off and serviced themselves

Gawd knows he did

and if Gawd knew

then what the hell was with this churchy abstinence-celibacy miser and misiz

certainly Gaye must have penetrated their ears on the radio or from someone others record player  Lets Get It On*

he couldnt have been the only white boy in his white suburban town(he was born in the city) who owned the record and lazily turned it under flickering honey candlelight or seductive black light and laughing(laughing and tickling were always great ways into sex) taking turns writing and drawing on each others bodies their arms and legs slowly their bellys then breasts his chest nipples encircled and daubed and loins dribbled(lapped) seduced by Visine

Daddy having to pick up off His lawn liquor bottles capped by chubby condoms was the price he extracted         

 

           

a one-off Painkiller 

Thank you Flavia Abreu whoever you are

and for reminding him of many one-offs and many time-and-time agains

1051,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  10  8. 16

Painkiller: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UffBRnHilCc

*Marvin Gaye: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6QZn9xiuOE

again, Painkiller (different configuration): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5l_md1b4pwI