4.8.15



People love to believe what they understood themselves to believe

which is why he often pulled back and let them go


What did James Joyce say(what didnt he say)
                                                                              Welcome be from us here till the rising of the morn, till that hen
of Kaven’s shows her beaconegg

Beaconegg  thats what people believed   the beaconeggs they laid  or the one from which they breached


he wasnt any different
   
a good argument could make him reevaluate his premise
but itd have to be one hell of an argument Before he fell hill he filled heaven: a stream, alplapping streamlet coyly coiled um, cool of her curls


so he held his tongue


not to dismay them

and instead let his palate and brush offer his ample discourse on savage abstract canvasses and linen

which sold for unexplained reasons
with shoulder shrugs
eyes tearing
aches in the pits of bellies
I have to have it  I have to!


he supposed in ways he was like a drugpusher who fed their customers who had to have It

his brushes and knives working   and capturing It
It piquing his mind

he could empty It with his art   his art seemed a salve for those who maybe couldnt


he was prolific

not to fulfill demand

but because the naked canvasses or pages begged clothing
they were like insides of a raw piece of marble begging to be configured   exposed by hammer and chisel blows

sometimes they received his imagination

but as often  and more  it was the weave or the texture  the turning or the light or shadows on it that demanded 
and like snapshotdeveloped  revealed  having begged 
                                                                                              such was his voluptuous seduction


even if they didnt sell hed make them

their making  was their demand on him




(originally posed Sunday  --  under wisteria,  11  6. 06)
 1255,  Hoxies Monday 36 years later,  3  8. 15

3.8.15



Nahnahnahnah no  no     awNO!



God he hated people

they didnt look where they were going 

he knew better  he thought he knew better  but upset as he was he wasnt thinking right 

he needed to get out  air out his head
his skull felt like a shambles   nothing entered and nothing was getting out


he went out to clear his head
                                                 and didnt think to watch where he was going either



he carried his lifes memories gingerly in his hands   looking down into them   at once glassy-eyed with knowing tears  
no regrets  he could have turned things immediately afterwards and their outcomes might have been utterly different  and also looking hard  absorbing that he saw what he saw and yet he still played into their hands  for reasons  for the worse reason   they were family  

memories  before he wised up  

his memories since were tactical   filled with thought and weighed on a scale
if the scale indicated it was a poor decision   he refused 
     
the Disheartened then accused him of being too goddamn rational

to wit he replied  if they believed he was too damn rational  might that not suggest that they were possibly too irrational


hed collected tightly wound bales and bales of FUCK YOU



he walked spinning reels of childhood memories in his hands   oblivious to the foot traffic bustling around him 

head down he might have taken the wrong way  a way he originally hadnt intended 

and someone walked right into him

he briefly juggled his memories  Hope screaming high in his ears
but they got away from him
and smashed at his feet

became scattered panes of inert snapshots

motionless


and while he tried to blame the Other guy

it was his fault


if they meant that much to him  he shouldnt have taken them out and put them at risk



he bundled up a fuck you of his own and put it in his pocket before he bent over and kneeled to pick up the reels turned static panes
 
they were silenced 
 
he would now have to play off facial expressions to read them  become dependent on his memory  which eventually would falter  
                     and fail 



1427,  Saturday,  1  8. 15
(original inkling  Friday,  14 3. 08)

2.8.15



My dreams!   theyre mine


I authored them under the Burroughs title 
Could Give No Other Information Than Wind Walking in a Rubbish Heap to the Sky
                 
while Whitman chides me
I dream in my dreams all the dreams of the other dreamers and I become the other dreamers

No  Not quite you fat fuck
                                          though nice of you to think so


I dream dreams to enterandcontain me
keep me    awake    asleep    at night
                                                                  until morning

when I mourn their passing




1038,  Friday,  31  7. 15
(originally mused 6  5. 04)