the granular desolation he dreamed might have been accompanied by the first many stanzas of the Moody Blues Procession those early bars of falling rain would have offered him solace

 

the desolation was unremitting blowing dust shifting footing burnt-out standing hulksscorched tree trunks charred limbs scattered beneath them 

there were no plants

the only thing he heard above the stillness and the quiet was his footsteps on loose gravelpowdered clay

he quit talking to himself he only had so much water  speaking parched him

when rare brown winds spasmed he quickly covered his face with a scarfdropped to the ground with his back to it

sometimes he had to dig hollows with his hands hide his head in them constantly push the ravaging particles and clots downwind that tried to refill them so he could breathe

when the wind fled and the sky cleared it remained the colour of amber a marmalade then he didnt think marmalade because it made him hungry and his provisions were lean 

time had no meaning

he quit counting his footsteps because they were a measure of now unrecorded time

he wasnt interested  he walked until he was tired and laid down and slept  when he woke he began walking again 

that could have been a measurement of time had he chose to count how many times he fell asleep 

                                                                                                       he didnt

 

walking he suddenlystopped

                                 something broke the aridness he inhaled moisture closing his eyes he saw blue moisture

he turned slowly counterclockwise trying to identify where the moisture seemed most pronounced

then with his eyes still closed he committed he walked towards where he felt the blue moisture was

 

much later he thought he heard water it giggled as only water canno matter the circumstancesno matter the horror or sorrow or banality  

when he opened his eyes he had to wipe crust from them before he could see clearly

good thing he had

he was at elevation

the horizon sat heavily on its edge not a hundred metres off 

he stood at the edge of a steeplyslanted cliff at its foot was an irrigation canal narrow brown ponds were hyphenated by lengths of gelatinous mud veined by dribbling runlets

the cliff face appeared looseunsubstantial so he walked one way then the other before he found where the cliff veered sufficiently away from the canal so if he lost his footing and tumbled the violence wouldnt accelerate and the earth avalanche wouldnt sweep over and cover the canal

fortunately he made it down without incidentbut for a few slides 

he walked along the canals edge looking for the clearest pond or deepest runlet to refill his bladder  slake his thirst

then he sat and talk to himselflaughed out loud at his miraculous fortune 

                                                                             a miraculous fortune amid draconic unexplained misfortune

 

he knew the definition of the word desolation from out of a dictionary 

that was not really knowing it

1037,  Twosday,  6  4. 21

Moody Blues  Procession  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Drn5Q6drHuo

 

when he looked at hints he scribbled for himself meant to refresh his memory (to remind him of crippled trees that were baseball boundaries when he was a boy bulldozed by a huge blue dually tire work truck that was hidden in boughs of a vibrant healthy tree  it backed out and crept down to the ground) 

                                                                     he didnt remember  they were memories stored 0224 Reggae Friday  8 November 2019  rites of passage  what was he supposed to make of that a year and a half later or at 0239 the same morning  redheaded pharmacist  condoms  her daughter (actually there was a lot there – he could fabricate something with those bits of bread scattered to find his way back  either as Hansel or Gretel – playing that out would be fun) 

               then directly beneath the redhead was also the butchery of a Polish name for chow chow or kindalike the chow chow best known in the southern United States  he wrote kouru mooru fuck if he knew  his grandmother forbade any of her grandchildren to learn Polish  all her children spoke it  actually it was very effective  children have big ears  they love to listen in on adult conversation  yet all the adult conversation happening over his head as he grew up was in Polish  clever Babci  but one knew that if they spent any time with her 

                                                                              matriarch was written all over her

anif someone doubted that shed set them straight in a heartbeat she didnt mince her words  she was assertive

his mother was assertive

guess whaYUP  he was assertive 

AwBrother  whawas he supposed to do with this mishmash 

                                                                 scribbled  fortunately he could read his handwriting

he was going to have a drink and think on it

push comes to shove hed bastardise it 

something he was good at that

hed twice answered the door to young people who said  Hello. My momma told me you’re my father.

Thats a peach Yathink the least she wouldve done was told me   Huh

1238,  Monday,  5  4. 21

 

his parents slept together for sixtyseven years

he hadnt slept with himself near that yet

imagine

they made a vow

cinched it with the words I do

people can point all they want at their marriage licensethe legal contract

but their words mattered more 

words matter more than people think

it is a shame that when they speak they are not more careful using them

for once they are out of ones mouth 

                                    thats it 

there is no taking them back

no apology can erase words spoken

no I misspoke

or a craven attempt to gaslight 

                                No  You misunderstood what I meant 

Horton the Elephant

a favourite book written by Dr Seuss

I meant what I said, and said what I meant. An elephant’s faithful, one hundred percent!

maybe elephants are smarter than people

octopi are

imagine 

           imagine being beyond being fallacious lying does not occur to them  the truth is not inconvenient 

imagine 

1154,  Monday,  5  4. 21

John Lennon  Imagine  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAn-AWXtHv0

 

 

reptilian    reptile 

                       not the kind of thing yawan crawlin through yer brain    is it

he could thinkcould imagine things he preferred

things that might be more attentive to his walnut

not cravenly shredding it because it picked up an odd scent 

                                                              creatures respond to scent

theyre curious   titillated hungry 

                                   theyre provoked

    think

                when the last time was you were  provoked    by a scent 

                                                                                 the last time

reptiles are

mammals are

fuckin fish a shark can smell a drop of blood in the sea 

                                                           humans smell blood  theyre repulsed 

wellfuck maybe he wasnt human after all  he caught all sorts of whiffs

his nose never straightened out after a year at sea

a thousand miles out he and the crew smelled land

it hung in the salt air for nearly a half minute

then it was gone

gone as it came 

like it never was

but no one couldve convinced a muthafucker aboard they didnt smell wha they did

 

that was his pitch

Yawanna mongoose or a lizard crawlin through your shit 

                                                                           Or me

he carved himself out as an alternative 

                                          the way he said it   he was THE attractive alternative

he looked them in the eye

alternative confirmed 

                         couldnt help but giggle You da man You da man

 

their error was they let him set the comparison

Never nevernever   never let someone set your table Thats yer job  

Otherwise theyre tellin ya whas up down left right inside out outside in whas black whas white

Keep yer shit

Theres plenty of creeps happyecstatic willing to tellya wha to do

2019, Sunday,  4  4. 21

2244,  Sunday,  4  4. 21

 

they were none too happy  

funny how that shit goes 

                           one moment all love hugs and kisses tears of sorrow  familial sympathies

the attorney speaks

his grandmother left him her house and everything contained therein

THEREIN Howbout that  if there ever was a legal exclamation point if not  had to be close

her house

everything inside it

WellShit

 

the attorney having tended the Will closed his valise excused himself and left HIS house

 

WellShit Whahe think bout that

he was a grandchild out of the middle of the heap  the middle of sixtysix grandchildren  eleven greatgrandchildren  eleven children 

                 Howbout that huh

the family was none too thrilled

he could close his eyes and smell it

                                    some had shit in their pants 

 

Whahad he done to deserve this

Maybe deserve wasnt right

That was right

There wasnt a soul he could askNOPE not a soul 

it was curious how crushing silence could feel squeezed his bellymade him feel he had to use the toilet he knew he didnt have to 

              though might be a good excuse to get away momentarily

everyone who thought there might be something in the Will for them came over to Babcias Babas house after repast

What a fine kettle of fish

 

frankly the only thing he wanted from Babcia was her fur coat

it was a long fur coat after the fashion of the day

she had always wanted to return to Poland before she died and also wanted a fur coat that her husband promised her but they could never afford

her children afforded her both

she returned from Poland disillusioned her life disillusioned her  the village where she was born the church she prayed in its cemetery where her parents were buriedWHY why she left eleven years old her uncle vouched for her she came to America and lived with him and his family were scrubbed from the face of the earth by the Nazis

not even its crossroad existed

it was a handsome fur he wanted to cut it down to make a short fur utilise its excess and fashion a stole  maybe a muff too 

the fur was inside the house 

No  they were none too happy 

when it was time to leave he left 

on the street crossing to his car he stopped

he turned around

family was still insidewere standing on the fromt porch

how none too happy were they

he had an apartment

but he didnt have to go anywhere

it was his house

a car approached him

painted him with its headlights

cant stand in the middle of the street

the car slowed

his shadow was long and stark and defined

 

he went back into his house

 

he locked up when everyone left

 

he didnt undress

he laid down on his grandmothers Babcias bed the chenille she told him that she changed him on when he was a baby

he could smell her

smell her soft scent

he thought as a boy if there was a heaven if there were angels theyd smell like her 

he thought Tomorrows another day  Ill think then

he fell asleep

he slept too hard and deep to dream

 

late morning he wrote,  Thursday,  30  5. 19

333 or 1533,  Easter Sunday,  4  4. 21

Dean Martin  Ain’t that a Kick in the Head  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7jgZTDLeIs

 

        overnite    rather  he began writing one day and entered the nexthe liked greeting a new day with pen in hand  at the end of a pen  penned 

                                     (some might think that – penned – Writing’s a pain, why do you bother? So inconvenient.  Bother  Lemme ask  ya like getting a letter doncha  I do.  Then why ask why I bother  Im doling pleasure)

he liked doling pleasure 

                           unfortunately that pleasure was rarely returned                             

he supposed he could stop

why would he do that

why would he bother

 

it was an obscenely huge doorway like double doors that lead into a cathedral a cathedral whose portionsgetting enormous proportions right always defied him likely there was a mathematics behind it creating lending scale but he couldnt see a reason why a door should be twentytwentyfive feet tall

he supposed at the end of the day that magnificence and luxuryluxuriousness were lost on him  they did nothing for him didnt titulatedidnt impress him 

                                 he was inured

hed leave it for others 

                        which made him laugh out loud

at the foot of the enormous doorway he watched a man count lengths of rope it wasnt it looked like spidersilk it suggested to him the man was actually a spider he counted lengths pulled them across his chest with his right runningguiding it through his left stretched a length between his handshis arms fully extended then he droppedcoiled what he gathered in his right on the floor then he reached leftbumped thumb knuckles grasped the rope with his right and pulled another length across his chest

he watched the mans lips tick as he counted the lengths he didnt bother counting  that was on the man

after a short while the man apparently having what he needed neatly coiled at his feet cut the rope 

                                                                                                         with that end he fashioned a seizing loop tied it off to a knob or ironbolt that extended out of the intricately woodworked doorjamb to its left nearly at its bottom then he pulledcinched it tight had he considered it he could have strummed a cord a note with it evidently pleased with himself he crossed to the center holding the tether where the doors met keeping it taunt in his armpit he picked up the loose-end fashioned a hangmans noose and pulled it over his head let it hang around his neck

then with both hands free he began to ascend the doors and proceeded to wind the tether around geometricallylocated knobs that were on their faces he wound his way back and forth at odd intervals curious turns and wove a loose fabric as he went sometimes he repeated loops  sometimes not                                                                                                    

slowly he ascended

when the man finally reached the stone arch above the extraordinary entryway reaching up he fiercely pulled himself over its pronounced keystone he saw thenfirst realised  others stood on the arch bearing witness too

they were familiar with the man they slapped him on his backheld him firmly at his shoulder they celebrated and encouraged him 

there wasnt much remaining of the lengths the man counted out before fashioning the unusual weave meshing the doors

the man turned his attention to the fabric again 

he began working his way down the doors on unlapped rather unused knobs and attempted no other weaving he hadnt much slack

shy of halfway down he literally came to the end of his rope

he stepped down to another bolt the fabric flexedthe noose tightened he hadnt much play

then he stepped into space

he plummeted fourfive feet

slack yanked out of the web

the noose tightenedcinched

watching  he thought it was a kind of a trick

                                              that the man by his neck would be able to rappel to the ground  somehow slip the noose

the man began a death dance

the mans soles were well beyond his reach 

                                            and before he could scale the tetherthe web  he unlike a spider the man went still his eyes bugged tongue distended his face purple  blood nowhere to go

the man was dead 

                        had he known that this was how it was going to end he wouldnt have lingered he wouldnt have given into his curiosity 

                         it perhaps encouraging the man

Day-between-Two-Ts – Thursday,  8  5. – 9  5. 17

1458,  Saturday,  3  4. 21

Zeppelin  Dancing Days  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpNy6z5sz1M

 

In the Cut

            a flick

he couldnt say why he put in for it at the library

frankly after it was over  he may have questioned why the library had it part of their collection 

this community was staid tame conservative  red   not too imaginative 

                                                                            his imagination bruised some people

though not that hed hold his tongue

his daughters while they were little knew 

                                            Wha do I say girls 

Fuck them if they can’t take a joke.

Thats right Thats my girls

his wife didnt approvehis motherfather didnt approve 

                                                       Careful wharya step  I may ask the girls wha I say

 

Jane Campion writer  director

                                 he was a sucker for writer/directors since writing precedes filming who could possibly know better or be more able to realise that vision to direct it than the writer  a resilient cinematographer helping 

Campion had won an Academy Award for writing and directing The Piano  and that when the Academy Awards were still legitimate 

               he tries hard to believe in it as he continues to try and believe in the Nobel Peace Prize for Literature the Man Booker Prize even though Man was emasculated and its now known as The Booker Prize

to be fair he hadnt seen The Piano since he saw it in the theatre 1993  he asked his wife out on a date she declined  he went by himself he couldnt remember if she didnt go because the film didnt interest her or if she was trying to punish him

      having forgotten theme and Campions deft frankness her vision it was quickly revived as In the Cut proceeded 

however

         one little hitch in the gittyup 

                                           smoking a cigarette while getting a blowjob

Really 

          granted it was a seedy bar basement Gawd love dive bars Ya met the most interesting people in them 

however theres an age cut off for seedy bars unless one has frequented it for years it was their bar they were a regular

he was a regular at no bar 

                             but if he were going to a seedy bar hed only enter with a seasoned Indian guide like one who helped the French against the English the Seven Years’ War the French and Indian War in the colonies

he wasnt an Anglophile a Francophile 

                                          put to a test  whatever test that might be aside from the hanging chad of being a white supremacist he might struggle to make the grade to be considered an Americanophile a Cannedophile  all those queer varied –philes associated with privilege entitlement exceptionalism  indispensable 

                                                                                                       OhBrother

Talk about drinking the Kool-Aid

 

but he digressed 

smoking a cigarette

smoking a cigarette while getting head

frankly that was as obtuse as smoking a cigarette while giving head

maybe neither party is invested  possibly because it was a blowjob in a seedy bar 

callous sex

animalistic

depraved 

FUCK 

          definitely not his scene

he was distracted

it took him awhile to wander back into the filmsuppress his interior yapping cuz he housed some clowns that were all about it 

         STOP muthafuckers 

that got their attentions

WE DON SMOKE

he could hear the mullingthe mumbling 

                                          Fuckin guy hes right we don smoke

2158,  Thursday,  1  4. 21

303 or 1503,  Reggae Friday,  2  4. 21

Aerosmith  Train Kept a Rollin  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EvGn22Mplg

 

he said he looked in the mirror the other morning after showering and thought he looked well-marbled

he thought that was freakin hilarious 

                                      he almost blew coffee out through his nose

but then he was high

gathering himself briefly wiping his nose with his handkerchief a dribble of coffee leaked 

                                                                                              Fuck man  he choked a bit on coffee  Well-marbled  Thats hilariousthats a howl

he didnt look like he thought it was looked a little dabberdown  

                                                                   That’s not funny; I didn’t say it to be funny.

It is  funny

I didn’t say it to be funny.

Yaoughta laugh

It wasn’t funny.

I laughed because it is funny its a funny thing to say   You ought to be able to laugh at yourself

Ought to be and is . . 

. . Woudja shaddup with that ought – is argument yare constantly givin me Shaddup  An while yare shaddinup I want ya to take a good look at my face a real good look I caught a glimpse of it in the mirror last night while I brushed my teeth I saw that I needed a shave to crop my beard 

Hmm.

Hmm  Hmm   Thats all ya got

What do you want me to say?

  Say 

       Man Ive told you threefour times now Its your responsibility to lemme know when its time for me to shave  YAH

Yes. Yes, now that you mention it.

Yes Now that I mention it  AGAIN 

                                   Yawanna tell me why Im mentioning it again please 

Ive told ya I don look in mirrors I don usually pay attention to my reflectionhalf the time  I could be Im a vampire I don have a reflection

                 AnIve asked ya nicely to please give me a headsup 

Anyet  Again  Im mentioninit to ya

Please Lemme know  Woudja

I don’t know why it should be on me.

Why

        Its on ya because during this Trump virus youve been the only person Ive seen  at  all  Ya gotta look at my puss 

      I don

It’s your face.

Feeble man 

               Help a brother out

2155, Thursday,  1  4. 21

1258,  Reggae Friday,  2  4. 21

 

      Yesterday 

                                    it was yesterdaywasnt it   walking up El Camino   walking along the edge of the streetavoiding the sidewalk avoiding its crackedbroken buckled concrete strand  walking on it reading at the same time likely hed stumble 

                     besides  the street was recently repaved

twice in a week earlier police had pulled up behind him in squads tapped their siren  his head popped up out of his book 

he waited for them to come to him he hadnt flagged them

they wanted to know why he was walking in the street

he told them Actually I wasnt 

                                he explained he was walking to the right of the bicycle lane he walked where cars could park but hadnt

the street as he understood what a street waswhat a thoroughfare was was where vehicles ran 

he was not walking where vehicles ran

it was an earnest explanation

they decided he wasnt being a smart ass

one said Why don’t you walk on the sidewalk where pedestrians are meant to walk?

Officer please yawanna give it a gander Does the city really wanna risk a lawsuit if I trip an fall break my arm break my neck because the sidewalk terribly needs repair Its treacherous Ya recall the old childhood bit Step on a line break your mothers spine never understood why it wasnt Daddys probably because he was the breadwinner  Step on a crack break your mothers back 

That sidewalk aint a sidewalk 

                                An I aint walking and reading on it when just off down broken curb is a nice flat surface 

end of discussion

 

Yesterday  it was 

                    while walking and reading a bright hot sunny day heading over the the gym he was suddenly aware the air seemed incandescent ethereal  he was bathed in white light  he actually wondered if he was ascendingwondered if a car hadnt run him down killing him instantly 

                                                                        although he imagined the Dead dont wonder

lifting his head up looking around he was in the bicycle path all the vehicles panel trucks parked to either side of Camino were white 

                    he walked in their reflected light

that section of the street was visually radiant

it was  awesome 

                   a brilliantwhite hyphen breaking up a maudlin sentence

0726,  Twosday,  9  5. 17

1133,  Reggae Friday,  2  4. 21

Sigur Ros  Liminal 2  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNJVYCJemUk

 

a crown of crystals were growing up out of her skull

                                                                              an otherwise winsome girl 

her lips were ashengray  blanched

she was not distressed by them

they were there when she was born and wounded her mother

they grew as she grew 

the crystals were magnificent when lighted by the moon when lighted by fire inside a stone ring or at the hearth of a fireplace

he couldnt help but be mesmerised 

she was not a comfortable image

she was however irrefutable

the crystals manifested Time 

                                and Time is often particular how it is marked

1515,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  10  5. 17

1149,  Thursday,  1  4. 21

Sigur Ros  Valtari  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZix3mifyUY 

and it is quite moving too if Valtari is started again over itself one-minute later