while one of them was enthused by
on-line dating siteshed been divorced thirtyfive days the other counseled grieving for the lost
relationship
Its a death-of-sorts an ya ought to process it
It’s a process to divorce, and
when you finally decide to involve an attorney, file the paperwork, I’ll tell
you, you’ve processed it.
Ill concede I wont argue Ive
never been divorc . .
. . It’s no
fun; I never imagined I would.
probably why
people caution others not to say never
So hear me out, tell me what you
think.
All ears
I was texting with a woman who
told me she had a list of eleven things that were dealbreakers.
Sure I could see that
You can?
Certainly
Yacant
I’m confused, you think it’s all
eleven things?
You didnt ask
I didn’t.
Seems that was the time to
communicate your confusionnot wanting to misunderstand her
Come on, you don’t want to sound stup
. .
. . You didnt want to sound stupid Theres no such a thing as a stupid question if its asked in earnest Thats how children learn adults learn
I wasn’t going to ask.
he bunched his shoulders in
irritation then relaxed
Ill answer then She has a list of
eleven non-starters Any one of them that
raises its ugly head she disconnectsdoesnt waste another moment of her
time Seems to me entirely honest
forthright
You got a list?
Im in a relationship
An actually I think you could learn from her Have you made up a listI know you don wanna work that hard but its only a list to have on hand ya don have
to prioritise
So if a woman should mention
three things on my list . .
. .
Jesus No
One
One thing on my list?
One
Isn’t that being too critical?
One
Wouldn’t I be being too critical?
ONE
Christ A relationship aint baseballthree strikes an
yare out One Please
So rather than the back an
forth I got a pen and paper Lets go
Hell Ill go first Theyre not interested in arthavent art on the
walls
So you’re saying if someone
wasn’t fond of art you wouldnt date them?
ONE
You go
I couldnt say.
Not interested in music doesnt
own albums CDs
Thats two off the top of my head he
wrote them on the right side of the page Gimme one
What if someone sees . .
. . What
Sees what you write down for my
list.
Are you fuckin kiddin me he rolled his eyesCohens Last
Year’s Man sounded in his ears like a
shy one at some orgy Gimme one woudya One
It’s hard.
Its hard to think of something
that would put you off
Yes. You know I’m I have to be
physically attracted first . .
. . That has nothing to do with it
Oldadage beautys only skin deep .
.
. . You'd discount beauty, attraction?
Dip a turd in chocolate ya gonna eat it
Funny. How would you know it’s a turd?
Id ask whats inside
Three if
they don read don like books don make the cut Itsfor lack of a better term vetting
Gimme one Ive given you three
Alright, okay . . dishonest, if
they’re prone to lyin . .
. . Like your exwife
That’s a low blow.
Its not inaccurate the truth
hurts didnt mean it as a low blow a statement of fact Yare on a roll a second Dishonest
Smoking.
Cigarettes not grassright not cigarsright
Yes, cigarettes . .
.
. A third
They can’t be sleazy . .
. . Slutty . .
.
. No, sleazy . .
. . Because sluttys acceptable .
.
. . I wouldn’t say that . .
. . Yare a slut . .
. . I wouldn’t say that . .
.
. I wouldI did you are
Perhaps I am . . lemme rephrase .
Too fast . . I wouldn’t want a woman coming on to me too fast, rush me.
Good to know that isnt it
Thats three It aint hard An anyone of those three should be a dealbreaker NO
MATTER HOW ATTRACTIVE THEY ARE or how attracted you are to them
Walkaway
Easier said than don . .
.
. Don bait memake me insult youyoud take it as an insult again
Four incurious You
Can I agree with, take yours.
If thats strike you certainly
Yes . . no bimbos.
Careful friend
I was joking . .
. . You werent
Oral sex Receiving an giving Five . .
. . I don’t get that . .
.
. Anya shouldnt if yare unwilling to go down on a womangive her head good an
proper
That’s your thing.
It ought to be your thingId bet
it was one of her eleven things
Nah, that aint happenin . .
.
. Then yare okay not getting head
I would say . . I would say .
yes, Im okay not getting head.
WOW wha a sexual beast you are
Six lacking
confidence Confidence is terribly
attractive sexy
I’d, I’d say, bad health . .
. . Fat
I didn’t say that.
I watched your face as you said
it You said yare not keen on
dishonest a dealbreaker Be honest ya meant FAT . .
. . Bad hygiene . .
.
. Fat . .
. . You say it
like that, it sounds bad . .
. . Though honest why beat around
the bush yawouldnt beat around a fat bush
No. I wouldn’t.
Ill write down bad hygiene
Thank you.
Yare welcome
Onto seven Doesnt like beer a winer
If they haven’t a sense of
humour; they don’t have to like The Three Stooges . .
. . Don
give me ideas
Please . . I
interrupted you
They have to have a sense of
humour, have to smile and laugh out loud, belly laughs.
Thats a good sixth
Yare
trailing A seventh
You’re really pushing me . .
.
. Rushin you your number three But Im
not a chick an I know yare easily bored an then you disconnect
You are going
to give me eleven Number seven only five
more
I don’t need eleven non-starters.
Were playing the game that gal
you texted with laid out
You were a nogo with her werentya
I was; another reason I don’t
want to keep playing.
Oh were playing this to the bitter end
Kinda like you playing an on-line IQ test an disagreeing with your results Which I know you dolike the personality tests
Ive encouraged you to take an you disagree with . .
. . It’s not who I am . .
.
. It is who you are Some selfawareness man Objectivity for the sake of the subjectivity
you answered your reveal
They’re bullshit . .
.
. Only bullshit if you were dishonest number one on your hit chart if
you were being dishonest answering the test questions
Number seven You need me to replay your listRight here
No. I don’t need you to remind
me.
Number seven
Pushy . .
. .
Seven Christ
She has to exhibit a playfulness,
mind and body – which isn’t repeating her having to have a sense of humour.
Understood
Weve four to go Number eight If she would refuse to wear my Jockey dago-Ts without a bra Wed be in the comfort of my place or hers
This is stupid; what do you
imagine she had on her list of eleven?
Likely what we have on ours
Come on, unlikely.
Why do you say that
She’s a woman.
Don do that shes a person first and foremost The way it came out of your mouth yare denigrating herdenigrating her sex
I keep telling ya women are
superior to men Rather superior to you
I don’t buy it.
Four words to you my friend
White male privilege entitlement
Whya gotta keep a brother down evenif shes a sister
An donya dare argue your privilege with me which in turn created your entitlement something ya rarely question It is so be it
Your eighth
You’re just going to eight
without allowing me to address your diatribe, your rant?
Yes Nothing to refute
If yare
honest Number one on your list
You make it sound like a bad
thing.
Its a dirty job but somebodys got
to do it
Eight
She has to have an appreciation
of Nature, respect the environment, understand it’s fragile and under attack.
Very good Thoughtful
Has to
like porn
Porn?
Number ninemy nine Porn
They really have to like porn?
Place porn up against mayhem and
murder slashers That fuckin series whadahell
yah ohyah Saw
Id rather watch people make
lovefuck than be murdered
Porn
Nine
Won’t be my friend.
Ouch
Has to be a true friend.
I understand
Ten Two to go
Has to like professional football on television The only sport I watchon occasion hockey but only watch football during the year
Has to have a nice big smile.
When
What do you mean when?
As opposed to wearing a scowl a
frown a smile is just a frown turned upsidedown
Yes. She has to wear a smile;
smiles, a lot.
Youd have something to do with
thatya understand
Yes. Of course.
As long as thats understood
Eleven Yawanna go first on eleven
No. I can’t think of an eleventh right now.
I was gonna suggest we step into
the great beyond Go to a twelfth
No, can’t think of an eleventh.
Greed She cant be greedy Eleven
I can’t think right now.
Ill get us another beer
Think on
it Then when I return you can give me
your eleventh
he dug in his heels
returning from
inside with the beers he was done
I
exhausted you
The woman
bettered you
Don’t go there, you’re trying to
provoke me.
Fact is not provocation
when he left to drive home after
pestering him throughout that beer and another beer with barbecue he told him
he intended to text him throughout evening he wanted his eleventh caveat dealbreaker or hed start calling him and fuck
with his on-line dating app evening
later that night after three
texts spread over the first hour he was home he got :
: Dah…overly religious, close minded, dogmatic, conservative, biased...all pretty much synonyms.
he almost texted him back to ask
what overly religious was
religious would easily make his dozen
: : Thank you, I’ll record it for you.
1555, Saturday,
4 9. 21
1321,
Sunday, 5 9. 21
