Where is I?

You is where you is. 

                           he read that in The Good Lord Bird  

the back and forth tickled him because it was so genuine hed been on either end of it  though to be sure he preferred being lost as to giving directions 

                                  lost was easy 

he often got lost as a boy

school let out

his Maw wasnt coming to pick him up  she has three babies at home to care for

he goofed off with schoolmates on the asphalt playground and in the field beyond it and when they had to leave were picked up and the grounds were deserted he walked over to his school bag walked in the direction opposite of where he lived four blocks off wondering where these other roads went that ran off the main thoroughfare

off hed go

he found small business districts

he found different neighbourhoods

he found loud bus lines heavy street traffic there he had to wait at corners for lights to change that was exciting and different from his neighbourhood 

                                    Hmmm  it occurred to himhe wondered where his neighbourhood was  only because it was getting dark 

Excuse me he approached women because they were out and about men drove cars he couldnt find a policeman  Where am I

Are you lost, little boy?

Maybe But maybe not if you tell me where I am

Where do you live?

I live in Norwood on Neva

You’re in Edison . . You’re in Harwood Heights . . You’re in Norridge . . You’re in Jefferson Park 

                                                                                                    he usually ended up near the forest preserves that grew on either side of the Des Plaines River attracted by the sound of the propeller airplanes flying in and out of O’Hare Airport

You’re a long way from home, boy. Tell you what, you come home with me. Do you know your telephone number?

I do

Good. Then come with me and we’ll go to my house sometimes it was an apartment  he liked apartment buildings and you can call your Momma. 

sometimes his father came to gather him when he finally arrived home or the people took him home after they fed him dinner or the police took him home

once a policeman turned on the prowlers siren and flashing lights

his father referred to him during the years before he left Illinois as his son who wasnt going to live there when he grew up

he finally got out at twenty  he thought hed be gone at eighteen 

                                                                 those last two years damn near killed him

 

more than once in conversation with his mother she called him Joe more often than she called him Son Did you recognise how much money you an Paw would have been ahead had you not taught me Grammas telephone number and address when I was a little boy

Oh, it occurred to us; but we’d grown partial to you.

1243,  Reggae Friday,  29  1. 21

Zappa  Camarillo Brillo  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nllWDc8_9lw

martyrdom

              LISTEN UP   for dummies only

talking to Wyoming whiners Gaetz whining McCarthy whining how do they whine around the cock in their mouths ventriloquists? juicing up the martyrdumb of a former FAKE PRESIDENT

martyr by definition 

                       is a person who suffers persecution and DEATH (then mebbe we got something to talk about) for advocating  renouncing  refusing to renounce  or refusing to advocate a religious belief – he has no religion  that would require a belief in someonesomething greater than himself  an theres no oxygen for that -- or cause demanded by an external party

at best one of two boxes checked

check the second box

then lets talk

1712,  Reggae Friday,  29  1. 21

Whaswid the bit bout holding sips of  whaever   in yer mout  Why not jus swallow it

Mebbe Im savourin it

Or mebbe as yave don  ya foget ya got sumptin in yer mout an it dumps out onto yer shirtfront yer pillow yer slacks as yer sittin thar  unsuspectin 

                             Hell  jus last night a sip of whisky escaped yer mout but yawere proud of yerself yawas mighty proud cuz ya caught it in yer hand didnt lose it all in yer lap or on the carpet

Yah that was tricky  Anyer right I was proud  I caught it midair  affirmed my reflexes

Proud

Yah rote This is a test. For the next few seconds I will conduct a test of the Emergency Broadcasting System. This is only a test.

Beeeeeeeeep

If this had been an actual emergency I would have been instructed where to tune in my area for news and official information. This concludes this test of the Emergency Broadcasting System.

                                                                                he smiled broadly still wished he had dimples 

Mighty proudmighty proud of yerself

I is  Its only tween you and me  an were we

An inside joke

Cant get nomo inside 

Nah  Spose not

Imaginehowever  if one had a poor relationship with themselves  It could get ugly

Uglyugly  Yah

Im grateful fer ours

 

We ave no clue why we do that  do we

Not a fuckin clue

   

2234,  Thursday,  28  1. 21

1214,  Reggae Friday,  29  1. 21

Chicago station  WMAQ Channel 5  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFQXpRaOqfc 

he felt itheard it long before he saw it

it was coming up behind him

it didnt frighten himhe wasnt apprehensive 

                                              he was excitedhe knew in his bones it was going to be  odd 

but odd thingsunexpected things had a way of finding him 

                                                              he didnt hide or cover his trail  if they were looking for him  thats wha he told people  if they were looking for him he didnt want there to be any reason why they missed him

it helped he was observant

sometimes things would be shy

hed have to coax them out  tell them they were beautiful  or extraordinary   or without peer  peerless

slowly theyd reveal themselves  expose themselves 

                                                         theyd be peerless  as he expected unexpectedly 

he felt it at his back

he stopped walking and turned aroundput his finger between the pages of the book he was reading and waited

as moments passed he knew it was going to be the shit  it felt   huuge

anthenthere  creeping through the naked tree crowns he saw it  coming in low  born in the sky  asif looking to sea and catching a hint of a riptide  surreptitious  dangerous   if one panicked 

                                                                            a queer blue wind  subtlyseparate from the rest of the sky  someone else might miss it  not him

it splashed down on the old corrupt pavement and ran towards himwide as the streetrunning between the high curbs that were cut stone  quarried  it was old town  more than one hundred years old  the trees lining it older

blue fingers  rivulets   preceded it 

                                      one struck a solitary fallen leaf  it was at the head of others  and the driedbrown leaf spun up into the air  stroked   dancing 

                                               and the higher it rose  others now dancing just above the pavement  it grew soft supple  it transmogrifiedbegan changing colours  chameleonish  toying with tints  brash subtle outrageous  marbling 

           and as it rose others followed  they as unabashed  like crazedascending confetti  the leaf landed like a origami bird on one bare limb and under it a riot of leaves conspiringforming a mad murmuration  separated like cyclones then fell together again and joined the solitary lead leaf  an aura surrounding it  dappling the line of winter treestheir denuded branches 

                               their colours like neon  scarlet yellows greens peach  fluttering like oxygenated flames 

the tail of the queer blue wind was approaching 

he was terribly sorry to see it 

the roosting leaves shiveredtheir colours sluicing away 

                                                           one by one they began fallingbrowning  then en masse

he had turned to follow their dance and now faced back up the street where he had intended

the leaves rainiedstirred in the wake of the wind 

                                                   he was losing sight of it 

it grew more more evermore pale  a sigh sweptup now in silence 

                                                                          however the first leaf remained were it roosted

its colour bleeding out

it curled around a stubby shoot 

                                   and before its animation was exhausted it impaled one of its lobes 

hes checked on it since 

it is still there

 

an afternoon in early January, 2021

1436,  Thursday,  28  1. 21

Pharoah Sanders  Bedria  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWpZcEtZ_sM                                         

Trump terrorists

well . . he couldntve said it better 

                                    https://www.msnbc.com/morning-joe/watch/joe-scarborough-this-is-what-republicans-in-the-senate-want-you-to-forget-100083269700

lily-livered Congressional Republicans

                                         cunts (an some actually are)

1747,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  27  1. 21

 

I ate a hot dog it tasted real gouhood  then I watched a movie from Hollywouhood 

I ate a hot dog it tasted real gouhood  then I watched a movie from Hollywouhood 

a Zappa song  Cheepnis  itd been reoccurring to him over the past few weeks 

some might call it guilt

Guilty

       dog eat dog

he got over on the cop

cop had his way he would have gotten over him

thats the way it was then 

probably still today

it was bullshit

really grass  some hashish

some brassbuttonshining dick thinking hes gonna bring down the world for some righteous pounds of marijuana  Wha  three kilos of hash  mebbe  

really

criminal 

         only because some milquetoast politicians got their panties in a knot and passed legislation so some hard-ass Americas Great! cops can enforce 

                                    enforce against blacks and freaks

just because they were black or freaks didnt mean that they were stupid

go to a cats shack and he didnt have art or posters on the walls didnt have books on shelves or smut or albums strewn on the floor beneath a stereo 

                               much like a cunt priest without a crucifix and palm frond on his wall above a prayer rug

who were they trying to kid

he wouldnt have had animosity against this cop if he hadnt brutalised a friend

brutalised him to death 

and was given a pass 

I was fearful for my life.

cat  Danny  listened to Jimmy Buffet

Buffet wasnt the Devil despite wha he thought

even if Jimmy Buffet was on acid had painted his face with warpaint was reading Mein Kampf he wasnt the Devil

cop killed Danny

just a guy selling some grass to make ends meet ends up dead

cop fearful for his life

he wanted to meet that cop in the worse way

he reversed-engineered things 

got a line on the hero Boy in Blue

dribbled out some tantalising bits and pieces

cop would be full of himself

had a notch on his revolver

was thinking he was a real deal

what better time 

he drifted word that he was making a huge score the Keys 

he had run a couplethree undercover cops as taxi service down to the Keys for scores

copped their gas 

cops usually ran with full tanks

dead give away

cats he ran with couldnt afford a full tank of gas

he ran them down to fumes and when they finally had to pull into a station while they refueled he wandered off to use the can and instead went down to the ocean to meet boats who hired him for diving or fishing

legit activities 

               activities that hid his real purpose his real livelihood

 

Little Miss Muffet on a squat by me

couldnt turn Zappa off in his head 

Danny didnt threaten anyone

cop erased him

do onto others as you would have others do onto you

like flyfishing in Michigan

had the right fly mimicked the right hatch fish couldnt resist

if the fish happened to be a cop

OhWell

hash

he lined up kilos  Key West

it wasnt bullshit

thered be kilos

he ran him around Miami for a bit

taking his tank down 

then onto Highway One before he could refill

cops loved full tanks

they ran out of gas

Sonofabitch!

Be cool be cool were almost there  Ill doubleback to Sugarloaf for gas  I thought we could make Key West too

We thought wrong.

We did

when he returned he poured more than half the jerry can into the tank  he sat down in the passenger seat setting it between his legs pleading exhaustion  Just a second bro  a breather  bringing his legs up into the car he sighed  then with his left punched a hole in his heart and slashed his throat

he practised

he dumped the remaining gas on the cop inside the car stuffed his soaked shirt into the gas tank and lit the works on fire

if authorities could determine crispy bacon had its heart popped and throat cut more power to them

the One and Only for Danny

approximately 2045,  Twosday,  26  1. 21

Zappa  Cheepnis  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etQm3gzjyNw  

 

        

 

Com’on pe . . !  and that in midair 

                                     priceless came out of the mouth of a balding raggedybearded white Muppet  he waltzed out into parking lot trafficstepping in behind a passing pickup and camper his nose stuck in a cellfone  

he didnt look beyond the truckdidnt pay attention or likely did it dawn on him that there might be a vehicle passing on the other side

his Com’on pe . . ! his suddenfright jump straightup lot of good that did him let him return to earth where he left it and get taggedknocked ass over teakettle rolling like a once-bitten jelly donutraspberry-not-strawberry  wobblewobble flat

his pride hurt more than he

the old woman behind the wheel banged her brakesscreeched to a halt not that she was going fast their inertias commingled and he got dumped their weight differential was the difference though facetiously Roleypoley almost outweighed the womans car

from where he was walking he watched the calamity unfold  had Muppet been in the game and not assumed his pedestrianship made him Loom and invulnerable Muppet could have stopped sooner than the woman despite his ostensibly forwardprotruding belly  that considered  it might not have stopped his gut from being taggedhim spinning like lopsided top  though the glance wouldntve hurt the protrusion  it wouldve jiggled like jelly

Ass over teakettle got up enraged and stalked towards the old woman

Whatcha thinkin bout fatty  he said

Muppet stopped and glared at him  That old lady nearly ran me over!

Im a witness  You walked out into traffic with your nose in your cellfone  Came out into traffic right behind that passing truck and camper  utterly oblivious Muppet continued glaring  Obliviousness can buy you oblivion man  But ya got a pass Ya got some scrapes for your ignorance  Yadon want do anything  do ya

That old lady! . .

. . Did you a favour 

                     Count your blessings an walk on 

it wasnt a Mexican standoff

neither were Mexican

I suggest you keep to your obliviousness

Oh you sugges . . 

. . I do

       Go near her  shes obviously upset  anyer little bump and scrapes will be the least of your problems

Yamight wanna take it that Lifes being good to ya in this instance  an that yall learn from your mistake  Because if push comes to shove Ill testify to wha I saw  You struttin yer nose in a fone disregarding conditions

Nobody should have to look out for you man

Aint yall growedup 

Fuck you! 

           he wandered into the parking lot 

he approached old woman  she opened her window  Hes fine maam hes just fine  His mistake  Ill offers ya his apologises for frightening ya 

he stepped back into the diagonal parking between cars off traffic to make sure Muppet got into his vehicle and left

he didnt wannabe the Hand of Gawd  but if push came to shove

1359,  Twosday,  26  1. 21

Joe Walsh  Life’s Been Good  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXWvKDSwvls 

 

You keep running around here laughing and smiling I may have to fuck you to wipe that smile off your face.

Why woudja wipe the smile off my face

Because I’m a notoriously bad fuck. 

                                    she cupped her breaststhey were ample slid her hands down her ribs to her narrow waist then her right went between her legscupping herself her left went behind her and grabbed a firm cheek 

                                                                                                                   I’ve got the components but they don’t jive, seems I’m crosswired, they just don’t fire, try as I may. As is, I’m uninterested in sex. I am asexual.

But youd fuck me to wipe the smile off my face

Who knows, maybe you’d keep smiling, maybe you like having sex with corpses. 

he had no comebackhe was a bit weirded out 

                                              and a bit tempted kinda like a woman who meets a gay guy and believes he just hasnt met the right woman yet 

he knew that gambithed played it  because some women are just gullible

frankly he was waiting to meet that dike who hadnt met the right man yet  thats a joke  when a woman told him she likes having sex with other women he believed her

it was a rare No but No meant No

 

0615,  Thursday,  21  1. 21

1128,  Twosday,  26  1. 21

the craziest things seeped into his soddenbrain when he took hot therapeutic baths

all the lights in the house were off 

it was silent

             rather silent after the echoes of crashing water filling the tub subsided

he went inlaid downthinking nothing at all

      then 

             his latest trick was to close his eyes and in that dark  against the back of his eyelids summons an opaque shimmering paleblue colouring and try to make heads or tails out of unorthodox shadows appearing beyond it

he thought of it as an artesian well a tunnel backback back  a mythic wormhole and if he was sufficiently lubed greased oiled up transactions occurred 

                                         he saw thingsnot that he had visions  he saw thingswatched them  and people and places which materialised ad hoc irrespective of Time or era or anything static or unable to mutate or transform

he was transfixedonce he accomplished the shimmer by the chaotic morphing or selective recycling loopinglooping looping  seeming to question if he truly was paying attention before an aspect or suspect would breakout to stand stage center for his appraisal

                          anif he tarriedif he was too slow on the uptake  it came apart like a childs toy puzzle fragmented  blew away like hot searing ash and scarred the face of the reemerging inky blackness 

                                                                                                         then it churned away whirledswirledabsorbed forcing him to begin agonagain

 

he was getting better at it

somehow beyond the agitatedmire reseizing his eyes blackening them he had become aware that despite trying to still himself his fingers defied him like octopus tentacles rolling and tapping at the porcelain tubs edge  and that their subtle metre caught the shimmers attention and like a sounded whale it resurfaced exhaled and blew colour onto the screen of his eyelids granting him another try 

                                     written in a suddenscrolling sharp whiteedged scarlet electric script demimondaine  because it ran so fast he first guessed demanddance but recalled the o  demondance  not demondame  ahno demi he remembered his college roommates wedding  he stoodup as an usher  demimondaine 

                                                                         a disembodied voice I told Alexandria you’d escort her into church and seat her on my side of the aisle. 

Right he heard himself answer again An Ill know her how

You can’t miss her, won’t miss her.

Cant wont  an I know nothing of her except for her name

No. You remember a few night back, I said she prefers being called a demimondaine, not a kept woman.

Yes  I do 

And of course she knows your name.

An whaelse nothing else  The grooms men are dressed alike

I told her that she can’t he snorted a laugh won’t mistake you.

he didnt mistake her 

                       out of a long black limousine  the chauffeur opened the door  it swang back  a vision in a sparkling silverwhite gown emerged  Alexandrina

he tossed his arms wide I got this boys 

                                          but they pressed himthey werent in on his roommates plan  they wanted to get this

the churchs stone treads were deep the risers short he almost went from nose to nose on his leather soles beating them down the first eightnine steps  had they pursued any furthur it would have seemed gauche

extending his arm to her she took him by his elbow he placed his hand on hers   Alexandrina

Joe. How quaint is this, our meeting finally? Michael’s spoken of you for years.

Quaint Anif I may you look splendid 

                                      the shimmer returned and shared their words with him asif they had been recorded and paintedstreaked broken images with dry brushstrokes reflecting funhouse mirrorshards and crumbling mosaic pieces inklings queer origami but revealing enough so he could see again by binding the bits together see like a projected film of missing frames half-frames frames deteriorating decaying

more than thirty years ago

he hadnt visited it since the time passed

a broken glass bead off a snapped lost chain 

                                                   then it was gone 

the black returned like clotted mold

     he tried 

                          he tried

the water grew cold

his shivering upset the metre of his rolling fingers

between 2340 Thursday and 0040 Friday,  21 & 22  1. 21

2302,  Sunday,  24  1. 21

 

its a queer thinghed been caught if caught is the appropriate word even when he was caught redhanded he didnt avert his eyes theyd keencatch him hed nod his appreciationhe wasnt leering theyd smile they took it as he meant a compliment

it was particularly queer when he was found admiring an attribute  say their ass when he wasnt an ass man

he supposed if he took the time to make a list breasts at the top asses wouldnt crack the top ten

breasts

widespaced eyes

throats

armpits

 

                  he remembered coming into an aisle in a grocery store where a young woman was reaching on tiptoes for a can of something or other her armpit was cleanshaven appeared sculpted he could either trace up her muscled arm or dip into the side of her ample breast  an intriguing no-mans land

Can I help he asked

Please, if you would, it’s just beyond my reach.

I can see 

           Did you jump

Excuse me?

Did you try to jump and snatch it off the shelf

Jump?

Yes

The can is heavy, it’s also awkward; its bigger round than I can comfortably hold.

Sounds like excuses 

                       You should try and jump and knock it free from the shelf then catch it as it falls

You really think so.

Tell ya wha I couldnt help but notice you all stretched upreaching youll excuse me if I tell you how attractive you are and were in your attempt 

                            I was particularly fascinated by your armpit which if not striking you odd struck me odd You have an attractive armpit as well

she blushed

The colour looks good on you

                               That admitted if you jump earnestly to try an rock the can an cant Ill get it for you I have to admit that this is an odd happenstance but its nature is quite revelatory Prior to this moment an forever beyond you have informed me of the beauty of a womans armpit

she blushed a deeper shade 

Thank you Ive been petty  Thank you for the illumination

she jumped once 

                   twicea third time without him cajoling her hed run them over in his mind that night and nights since

OKAY Yer killin me 

                      a peal of deep laughter rolled from her throat she didnt cover her mouth

You keep that up Ill fall in love with you

One can

through her big smilethrough bright tears in her eyes 

                                                        Yes, one can, please.

I may not be here next time

Okay.  Three cans.

Smart Theyre on sale today

he handed her two more cans 

                                 That was delightfulthank you

Thank you.

Yare welcome 

he was happy to help and over the moon to recognise a womans armpit as worthy of admiration                                                                      

1702,  Saturday,  23  1. 21

John Coltrane  Ascension  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-81AEUqHPzU

  

nice thingbout bein drunk soakin in a hot salted tub is how discordant things want to come together although sometimes kinda like an orgy he didnt wanna be a part of 

                                                 Who me  You.  Me yahsure me  Me  You.

in confounding blitzes of liquor and drugs he found himself gettin head by cousinsfingerin cousins fuckin kissincousins cuz  Why not it was sexthey had no desire to procreate   ooooh  or makin monsters

 

he walked in a carpeted hallwayhe couldnt hear his steps 

                                                              doors at either side were alternated so emergingopening one it did not open to a door across from it  tasteful he thought  and every door he passed was different than the next  heavy wood doors  elaborate plain painted stained  they were fascinating and drew him down the hall to admire the next and the next  the hallway ended at a beveled paneglass door which exited onto a broadbut not deep outdoor balcony where he breathed fresh air and mused about what door he would go through 

                                                                                           it occurred to him suddenly that overhead was another balconyanother floor  he reentered padded slowly down the hall again admiring the doors their possible selection and nearing the end of the hallway he could either veer left to go Up or right to go Down  veering left onto a wide staircase he realised he had no idea how he came to be there    seems  he materialised

the next floor the next hallway was alike and inkind every door was different and different from the ones below 

returning again to the staircases he went right for on the floor below was the door that keened his imagination and remained unequaled

it was a chalky paleblue whitewashed door that was no taller than his shoulder 

he tried the bolt

it slipped aside noisily but without hesitation or trouble

he ducked pushed it in and entered a room  it was dark

he closed the door behind him and slipped the bolt back in place  this time it was silent

he stoodfast letting his eyes become accustomed to the dim

one large room  to his left off the threshold were two stuffed chairs a small threelegged table between them pole lamps aside each chair on the wall opposite him was an enormous wardrobe a dressing chair to its left 

                                                                                                      furthur to its left was the reminder of the room occupied by an pale apparition a huge bed  white linens  under them a form  a womans form 

he walked to the side of the bed

he could hear her breathing she wasnt asleep  she was tentative  she was listening to him

when he went to gently pull on the sheet to reveal her she murmured No almost breathless she had been on her side facing him she rolled onto her back still disguised he liked what her form suggested the way the sheet lay on her face he could see hints of widespaced eyes a wide nose prominent though not big high cheekbones a firm jaw small shoulders large breasts narrow waist wide hips and while admiring her hips asif she had been following his appraisal she spread her legs

                                revealed through a slit in the sheet her sex like a flower unfurling  soft curled pubic hair

anonymous sex

 

hed decline 

             he couldnt begin to say how many times he refused to turn out bedroom lights to  make love Nah  to fuck  whawas there to be shy about  

they were there

they were naked 

                   he had every intention of turning them inside out takinem in crazy positionswarming them up on topface to face  bland missionary but making eyescreating the sense of him and her  then breakingout and flipgetting behind above under  later flicking his tongue like a snakes at their perineumthem jumping over the moon him grippedholding them by their hips and feasted fore and aft 

Guaranteed

 

he put his hand at her belly above the slit and gripped her she squirmed just a bit

he released his grip having enjoyed her marvelous radiatingwarmth 

                                                                        then stepped back and awayshe was alert

he turned walked to the door  noiselessly slid the bolt and left 

                                                                  the door and she indelibly etched in his memory 

 

0101,  Reggae Friday,  22  1. 21

1343,  Saturday,  23  1. 21

Pharoah Sanders  Ole  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEfOkuigXsk

 

 

piece of shit

 

Donave yer fuckin computers call me following matriculating orders of thoughtless algorithms 

                                                                                                  Don call me whoever yare unless yawanna man up  unless yawanna foot the bill  pay a human being to call

Ifnot doncall

Anif I ever find out 

                     not that Id waste my time but if I were ever to find out who you are

I aint callin

Im knockin on yer door

Might do yerself a favour 

                            Annot answer  

2020,  Thursday,  21  1. 21