he stepped in front of a buddy heading into the tavern from out of the alley

                                                                               Man yamight wanna not go in just yet  mebbe give it tenfifteen go around to the front look in through the window see ifa cat in a plaid shirts still sittin at the bar Youll wanna wait him out

Hes cryin in everybodys soup

Nobodys gettin a pass

The manll stalk ya

Hes buyin drinks

Ya drink

Yer doomed

Youll wanna shoot yerself

Whassup with him?

Hes upset

Whas upsettin him?

Letters  Letters he wrote home

Letters home?

Yah His maw died  She had kept all his letter since he moved out of his parents house Forty years of letters see

Forty years. There couldn’t have been ma . . 

. . Many Cat told me he wrote fourfive letters a week home and to other family  Imagine

Forty years?

Yah  He was in there scribblin a letter at the bar when I sat down beside him I asked Whoya writin man

Cat was writin his nephewya ever written your nephew

Nah. I don’t write a soul.

See  Hes in there writin and drinkin whisky an beer Bought me three rounds 

He bought your time.

He did  he nodded

they flinched as a couple of toms tossed some garbage pails getting at each other had to be some punany around or maybe territory

Fuckin cats.

              So what's with this cat, his dead maw?

She kept his letters His old man burned em

They were her letters, not his.

Yah I thought too Turns out his old man couldnt read his handwriting so his old lady read him the letters his son wrote him

He ditched hers and his see

Forty years?

Forty years Anhe said the letters were usually tenfifteen pagesfront an back

Fuck, man, cat had a lot to say.

Yah

      He said he could rationalize why his old man did itthough he thought he might have offered them to him before he burned em

I could see that.

Yah Me too

              Then he said it reminded him of his first girlfriend all the letterslove letters he wrote her When they split her new boyfriend was jealous of em wanted her to toss em

She resisted

One day the boyfriend went into her place when she was out took em all anburned them in the yard with some goofy carnival toys hed also won for her that she picked out

He burned up their memories

What a prick.

Yah Not gonna be a long relationship

She called him antold him all his letters were burned up

He asked why she didnt just give them back if he was threatening em Imagine how fuckin insecure  Threatened by old love letters  Written before he was ever around see

Jesus. So these guys burned up . . his memories.

Pretty fuckin cruel

                    But thats wha we excel athuh

Yeah. Wanna have at drink at Johnny’s up the streetI’ll buy ya onekeep your streak alive anless costly to your psyche

Me anmy psyche thank you  Yah

0850,  Thursday,  3  9. 20

Joe Cocker  The Letter  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlX5IWwizGg

the CDC wants states to prepare to distribute a nonexistent vaccine November 1  that will be nonexistent until likely mid-2021 end-2021

                      https://www.politico.com/news/2020/09/02/cdc-states-vaccine-distribution-407783?nname=politico-nightly-coronavirus-special-edition&nid=00000170-c000-da87-af78-e185fa700000&nrid=00000167-851a-d01a-a567-d79e0c9d0000&nlid=2670445

a politicised vaccine to yank the presidents ass out of a sling which Americans are suffering because he was inept
is horseshit

remember the game Mother May I?

                                      this game is called Cunt, I Aint. 

1553,  Thursday,  3  9. 20

Frank Zappa  I’m the Slime  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iiCQcEW98OY

when things were called to an end

                                    he realised  when she was 20 half her life was over

not that anyone could possibly have known


although she insisted she was going to die young

anwhenever she related that she incensed him

                                                 they were the only times he found himself angry with her

as a matter of fact she said emphatically she knew it would be true   

                                                                        she was certain as he was when he said he knew hed live into his 90s  perhaps beyond

his advanced age would be a matter of his bad habit of noticing everything  and because everything did not reveal herself at once he had to be patient

                                        everything would unfurled unraveled  like a good stripper

anhis rope had to be long enough to allow him to rappel to the depths he intended to venture

she said he was a chronicler

a listener  lister

a namer

a charlatan of preposterous fantasy and reality

2147, Day-between-Two-Ts,  4  3. 20

1600,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  2  9. 20

Simply Red  Holding Back the Years  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yG07WSu7Q9w

$186K -- killed

radiologist not infectious disease expert not public health expert Scott Atlas insists on the advent of herd immunity

https://news.yahoo.com/trump-appears-surrender-coronavirus-spread-044630166.html 

                                                                                             AwrightOkay lets begin Atlass herd immunity at the very top lets infect Atlas every senior White House official the president vice-president chief of staff cabinet members every administrative White House support staff with coronavirus

give em 14 days

then letem talk to the American people

no skin in the game

                     shut your fuckin mouth

0008,  Thursday,  3  9. 20

ELP  Welcome Back my Friends  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VsifANR96s

the paperbacks were exactly the same size

one was published by Warner Books a Time-Warner Company The Mysterious Press James Ellroys The Black Dahlia 325 pages

the other A Plume Book published by the Penguin Group Toni Morrisons Paradise 318 pages

seems they were printed to a standard applied to the paperback industry

their content was similar

while one was common

                          the other poetic elegant  elegiac

they were equally brutal

they reminded him that no matter how you dressed a whore she was still a whore

if there was the hole in his logic it was simple

hed never meet a whore

not a street corner hooker 

not in an alleyway or in a backseat

                                     Suck your cock for five dollars, mister.

cocksucking was foreplay 

                            it wasnt the game

would he have to pay more to have her put her finger up his ass while she sucked his cock

did ya tip

he hadnt ever paid for sex

he could masturbate

queer that the paperbacks were the same at first blush

but spreading their pages

                            like whoreshe assumed

                                                      they were different

2131,  Twosday,  3  3. 20

1508,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  2  9. 20

“The more authentic you are, the more authentic you can be with others. It has to come from an intention not to manipulate.”

               photographer Lynn Johnson 

he found her quote in an article called The Power of Voice in National Geographic its editors note explained that photography is not unlike meditation the intimacy captured can come only from a relationship ground in trust

he yearned for authenticity 

                              either one has it or they dont

Boy, if you ain’t the real McCoy.

                                  Mr Clarke said

Mr Clarke confused him the only McCoy he knew was The Real McCoys on television he didnt follow Mr Clarkes meaning what was there about him that reminded Mr Clarke of the television program he wasnt a hickhe didnt call California Californy

he smiled at Mr Clarke

                        Thank you sir thank you very much

No. Mr Clarke took a knee before him he was sixfooteight on his knee he was still taller than him No, Joe, thank you. You’re quite a boy.

Mr Clarke was to undergo a surgery

Mrs Clarke was quite agitated one would have to be blind to miss how the talk worked in her face that she was holding back her tears bright blue eyes made brighter by the sheen of uncried tears cornflower blue eyes girlish eyes

Mr Clarke would chuck her under the chin and call her his little girl

Joe asked her what he could do to helphe wanted badly to help

Mrs Clarke knew Joes dad knew that he was always clamouring through the neighbourhood trying to encourage people to donate blood he was a donor

Joe, if your father would, he could donate blood in Mr. Clarke’s name. The doctor said Mr. Clarke will need a lot of blood. she caught her tears againstymied them  but he saw

That would help a lot, Joe.

at dinner that evening conversation circling the kitchen table what everyones day was like he mentioned Mr Clarkes coming surgery and what Mrs Clarke had asked . . An I want to donate too Dad.

Son, I don’t know if the hospital will allow you to donate, you might be too young.

Somethings wrong with my blood

No. There’s nothing wrong with your blood. There’s professional ethics, and because you’re nine you may not understand what it is you’re doing.

Im donating blood for a very good friend who needs it An your my father an youll tell them to draw my blood because it is okay with you Youll make them listen an youll make them take my blood

                                                                                Dammit

his brothers and sisters went bugeyed because he swore

It may be out of my hands, son.

I wont accept that Dad I want to give my blood to Mr Clarke an I can if you say it is okay with you 

You donate I should be able to donate

he was an adamant little cuss

he and his father donated at the hospital 

they also reached out to the neighbourhood

                                              Joe knew damn well that because he donated he could leverage shame others to donate 

they did

         fiftyfour units were available to Mr Clarke for his surgery

1127,  Thursday,  5  3. 20

1237,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  2  9. 20

Harry Belafonte  John Henry Song  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydTRk1l0ZqI

Death – if one is dying fortunately (186,000 have died in America and the majority have died alone robbed of comfort robbed of the care and the embrace of their loved ones robbed of saying one last time I love you when it will have to suffice for the thousands more they thought they were going to be able to share Trillions of unsaid unheard I love yous vanquished negated) – Death creates captive audiences

driving to his daughters home in Southern California windows down blue air whipping through the car his hair no radio nothing to balk or interrupt his thoughts he sang repeatedly over and over I’m working my way back to you, babe  the Four Seasons over and over  he might have sang for two hours tears streaming out of his eyes

                                                                                                     and as he sang

it occurred to him that she might be thinking along the same lines except she was working her way out of a horrible debilitating illness  working her way to a new existence that she knew existed 

what was binding herkeeping her from her new life was her failing bodyher failing mortality

she wrote him that she was becoming very anxious

she wrote she was upset that she was leaving him her sister her husband and two children

                                                                                                 but her time here was at an end she had done what she was meant to do

he did not doubt her earnest her intelligence

                                                she had been one of the wisest most caring people he had ever known

he took no credit

she took after her mother

he was grateful his wife was dead

he was sure their daughters death would have killed her

1514,  Saturday,  22  2. 20

1937,  Twosday,  1  9. 20

Four Seasons  Working my Way Back to You  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nj0BnpvM5cQ

George Michael  I’m Never Gonna Dance Again  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7x9UUMmuTw

a companyhe couldnt remember its name but that was probably a good thing finally had an associate arrive after dark Christmas Eve

                its Outreach had been promising for two weeks that theyd have an associate stop but repeatedly begged off while reminding them it was the Holidays and because of vacations they were understaffed

he thought he could only think because his family intervened on the companys behalf and muzzled him he too-readily and forcefully spoke his mindwore his feelings on his sleeve How nicehow fucking thoughtful a company that touts its prowess its primacy in critical healthcare-support acted like any-old non-critical business would seeing to itself first

the Christmas Eve visit was a last-ditch effort the company wouldnt be Open again until Thursday January 2 partially-staffed not picking up the reins again until Monday January 6

the associate intelligently diligently deployed her script she dazzled them and instructed his daughter specifically the family scribbling notes on an unreleased fourth-generation gaze-machine -- some sales pitch – she left his daughter a loaned first-generation machine 

                                   unspoken  beggars cant be choosers

they constantly had to recalibrate the machine to read her eyes

if she went unhindered fifteen minutes they considered it a major victory

his daughters their frustration was palpable 

                                               the company said they get a technician out to troubleshoot it

a technician never came

he had arranged his daughters pillows to fix and make stationary her head so she could communicate on the machine

it was early morning nearing three he knelt at her bedside his head under the monitor and worked a CBD balm into her right hand wrist forearm and bicep

the machine made audible words phrases and sentences she placed with her eyes

Dadu.

       cant say she didnt maintain a sense of humour

he looked up Yes baby

she gave him a familiar look with her big beautiful eyes over the top of her ventilator mask

he crept backwards not to bump the machine with his head stood sidestepped it and standing beside her looked at what she had written on the screen

                                D feel No working D feel  Dfeel  No working  D feel  No working

his throat thickened 

                      D feel he said

when he felt his eyes wouldnt betray him he looked in to her eyes

                                                                      he asked  D feel

she looked wondrously back into his eyes

                                             it seemed she didnt know either as if the machine printed D feel by itself

he asked her if she wanted him to clear the screen so she could write

she blinked once

one blink Yes

two blinks No

he cleared the screen

                       Ill keep massaging your arm

one blink

while he worked on her arm he would watch her eyes as she intently wrote he assumed emails through the machine she could also text

this was one of the longest times he could remember when she didnt have to recalibrate

Dadu. 

      she startled him the speaker was directly above his head he was surprisedhe jumped inside himself and not physically not knocking the monitor out-of-synch

she gave him a familiar look with her big beautiful eyes

he worked his way out again and stood beside her

on the screen D feel D feel D feel D feel D feel

he didnt say anything for lingering seconds

D feel had been a stand alone phrase

a phrase she saved

he wondered if she wasnt tallying her D feel-ings 

                                                    her Death feel-s

he couldnt bring himself to ask her

maybe she couldnt bring herself to say explicitly

when he could bring himself to speak he turned to her again 

                                                                You dont know

she looked wondrously back into his eyes again

she blinked twice

                      then her eyes moved from his  she looked over his shoulderlooked into the corner of the dark room where he had turned too many times to look and see nothing but where she obviously saw something

                                                                                                            she lay bathed in a single halo of light from a canister above the bed

                                                         whatever it was seemed to provide her solace

Shall I clear the screen for you

it was a while before she turned her attention to him  

she blinked twice

                   then she closed her eyes

Are you going to try to sleep

she opened her eyes blinked once and closed them again

he leaned forward and kissed her gently on the forehead 

                                                             I love you so very much sweetheart

she didnt open her eyes

he saw she smiled behind the ventilator mask a big smile she only knew how to make big smiles

all her life she smiled big

0758,  Friday,  21  2. 20

1217,  Twosday,  1  9. 20

Blood, Sweat & Tears  You’ve Made Me So Very Happy  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjZtRAoITP0

he didnt provoke religious or spiritual conversations

however if someone proselytisedshoved it in his face solicited  to say his tongue came ungluedhis ire spiked  would be an understatement

his family was aware of that

they kept their two cents to themselves

You and Mom were soulmates.

Soulmates no We never talked that way

You and Mom never talked about being soulmates?

No We loved each other

                          Soul whatever that is never had anything to do with our meeting and falling in love We were in love Period

I can’t believe that you and Mom weren’t soulmates.

Careful If you think only soulmates fall in love and marry youll have to explain why modern marriages are a coin toss  whether they succeed or fail  

Do soulmates divorce 

Seems counterintuitive

Jesse and I are soulmates. We recognised that early in our rela . .

. . Maybe it has to be conferredconfirmed early in ones relationship

Neither of you are religious Spiritual But not religious

When Mom wanted you girls to go to Presbyterian church I told her she was welcome to but I wasnt participating in any religious indoctrination 

                        he laughed  That was against my religion

Tickled yourself, huh?

I did

I’m really having a hard time believing you didn’t see each other as soulmates.

No Hope Im not raining on your parade

So you dont . . anticipate . meeting Mom again?

Sweetheart Moms dead   I do not

she was visibly upset

there was nothing he could do to console her

Jesse and I are soulmates. she was adamant

he wasnt going to pushback had nothing to do with it

Soulmates she said never say goodbye. They will meet again. Death is a temporary interruption.

To wit I disagree

                   Although Ill admit it sounds comforting

I feel sorry for you, Dad.

Dont Thatd be a waste of your time and time is valuable

0758,  Friday,  21  2. 20

1541,  Twosday,  1  9. 20

Doors  People Are Strange  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NyC6mrutj0

his mother reneged on her promise

she welched on it

he put her up to itin a tight spot when he criedwhen he made her promise

he was four or five

                     more likely four he didnt thinkdidnt remember he was in school yet

she shouldnt have promised

                               even if her promise quieted him as she held himconsoled him in her lap at the big oak kitchen table  wiped the tears from his eyes with the warm perfumed handkerchief his grandmother handed her that she kept at her bosom inside her dressing gown

she shouldnt have promised

four years old frightened startled from his sleep that his parents would die and leave him alone

he didnt think about it he never should have eliciteddemanded extracted her promise promising for her and his father

she died March 11

but he couldnt mourn her

he was mourning his daughter who died February 27

he was still mourning his daughter 

                                     knowing full well when he shut one door immediately the other would open

Now he wished he didnt make her promise

1223,  Moanday,  31  8. 20

Joe Henderson  Y Ya La Quiero  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FvyANqV80g