if that was the deal

he would have struck it

wouldntve thought twice

it was the deal he wanted

but there wasnt anyone Anything he could pitch

a fuckin wild goose chase

he chased it for a bit

any way he could think

any way he could lean

when he havent faith

faith has no need of him

reciprocal deal

he got it

just didnt think hed ever need it

that was the err in his judgment

it wasnt for him

maybe if he practised it

he could have shared it

but he was pretty sure it wasnt doled out that way

separate accounts

separate ledgers

separate accountability

faith

novel idea

didnt need a reason when you had faith

probably why he didnt met many reasonable people

they were sucking it up for their afterlife

fuck life

by their measure life came after they were dead

when he was dead

hed be dead

anif he went anywhere

itd be where he was before he was born

which he didnt remember

no

it was a thought that crossed his mind when he panickedwhen his frustration was so immense he couldnt get his head around it 
          he wanted to beat something

he was already beatup

that well was dry

picked to the bones

bones

thats how reduced and helpless he felt

well

at least he could feel

and hed feel this long  long   long after it was over

he couldnt strike a deal if he wanted

how obscene

0927,  Monday,  27  4. 20

too obvious  too obvious  or he was being paranoid     or was he paranoid enough

muscles shows up a day earlier

she ran past him this afternooncame up behind him

he heard panting and as he was walking and reading he was alert to sounds around him he veered left gave whoever was overtaking him a wide lane right between him and the street curb

passing him he glanced up out of The Windup Girl a woman CrossFit stitched into the back of her black running bra her thick rump concealed by black spandex running shorts later he learned they were called scrunch bum shorts appropriate  hed happily order them to have with his black morning coffee sumptinsweet

at CrossFit he knew it was muscles

she talked about lifting hurting herself and in the meanwhile recovering she learned of CrossFit that was her gig now she said

he was happy he finally got to see her from behind

it was worth the wait  unexpectedly

at CrossFit he knew

                      but he had to confirm it and dropping his eyes to her churning legs her upper right thighBAM the wrapped tattoo The Sky above me The earth below me The fire within me  he had asked what her thigh said 

during their brief introduction the fire within they revealed they were Aries

a pair of oppositesex Aries

he dug the possibilities

he dug she probably dug too

                                  however

he made enemies or they thought he was their enemy

lambasting the powers that be which they liked to think of themselves as being  whas the pointhuh without their unplumbed depths of entitlement audacity  and hubris  See he could stroke them

                                                                                         but he didnt and they sent lieutenants to properly inform him  unfortunately they thought their words were powerful cudgels 

when he replied cudgels they didnt follow

evidently they had something in common  bad habits

he sent the lieutenants packing like good dogs

they were obvious

maybe they thought muscles wouldnt be as obvious

she was

it was flattering

they got his type right

they got his appreciation of loners of familial détente determinedenforced by long distance consensually agreed and abided

the slag where they missed the bus  was that inside the wrapping

the rap didnt cross the river 

maybe they thought she could erect a bridge  

she said P-A when he asked her where she was from

maybe in P-A they refer to Pennsylvania as P-A 

their psychological assessmenthis breakdown broke down it shouldnt have missed his abject dislike of acronyms his compleat joy of language and saying what something is unabbreviated

                                                                           there was nothing about himnever was that could be seen as abbreviated he preferred ad nauseam  ad nauseam is another word for endurance the long term seeing ahead acorner afork anintersection in along seemingly endless  road 

ablithering optimist

P-A he repeated

muscles nodded

Ah

he was bornfrom Illinois he never called it I-L as it was abbreviated today the abbreviation when he was a kid was I-L-L when he addressed a letter home he wrote Illinois

no muscle was as close as she ever was going to get 

she was close enough to admire

she was dressing

not oyster stuffing

                        or he was fishinghe was wrong swung wildly though again his old man gave him a tool to offset the experience or the error Boy, there’s always more fish in the sea.

1500-ish,  Saturday,  25  4. 20

1522,  Sunday,  26  4. 20

Vic Chesnutt  Philip Guston  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDfYKjktav4

its one thing when he talked to the dead

another when the dead started talking back

                                               brutally

they didnt have to hold their tongues

spare feelings

he was happy they had learned

those who were harshest he assumed eventually would even out a child with a new toy he was delighted to listen to their tirades

             he provoked them that shit was something they should never have tolerated when they were alive
and while they were alive he told them

                                         You didnt have to put up with crap

somehow they thought they did

he did recognise the somehow

they were women

anif a woman speaks her mind as men do shes a bitch

he implored them to be bitches Theyre pricks Fly your freak flagFuck em

angst

      their angst was palpable coloured the night air flashed like lightning bugs

they didnt speak to him in the daytime maybe they did but he couldnt hear them his mind was awhirl in the sunshine and he couldnt even get time with himself if he wanted too 

                                                        Selfish prick  there was always several in the committee who chastised himcalled him out  theyre right unfortunately their attempts to disrupt himdisrupture him were to no avail  their words white noise like water over a rocky fall

when he finally relaxed and got down to the bottom to the falls pool  there the noise was less harsh words formed voices could speak and he could hear them

he hadnt always heard

recent wounds cut deep

they wouldnt heal for awhile  not a long while and in the meanwhile  the gaping wounds must have served as mouths

he had herbal tea at night before bed

going into the bedroom he called to his cats Im going to bed kids Just so you know where I am

a voice or voices were already tucked in and comfortable

O the things they told him

he was wary initially 

he floated balloons

acted fuckin naïve he didnt know he had that in him

the things they saidO the things they said were true he hadnt doubted but no one could tell him the sky was blue and he believed them unless he went outside to see for himself what colour blue

he called it a character trait

others called it a defect

Then Im just fine being defective

Hmm if he was defective why were they talking to him

Because you’re thorough.

Thoroughly defective

HA!

     nice  they still had a sense of humour

sometimes he fell asleep as they told their stories

which was really nice

he read stories or told stories to ease family and friends into sleep

itd been a long time since someone told him a bedtime story

2039,  Thursday,  23  4. 20

1259,  Saturday,  25  4. 20

Fiona Apple  Heavy Balloons   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8whTAkkBv6U        

55,383 (as of 1650, Sunday, 26 4. 20)

he was listening again to yet another commentator on television assail the president correctly  it was ad nauseum ad nauseum the clown had made him nauseous even before he descended on an escalator to address a bribed gathering who chanted his name chanted chanted enchanting  he loves his name chanted he loves adulation he thinks hes the king of the kingdom

                 delusion hadnt hurt him in the past Daddy always picked him up and wiped his nose and told him what a grand boy he was never raised a hand to him a hand was never raised to him he never had to prove his mettle among men with his fists because there were people who did that for him he was too prettyhe was too protectedtoo bundled in a roll of banknotes

                                 yah a regular fuckin kingpin without a scar to prove his cred 

he listened to the commentator yammer and bluster the man had been within arms length of the clowns orange wig  and he would have thought for the animosity the commentator obviously endured that he would have stepped forward offered his hand as his brother did once years ago when they were kidswhen they were outnumbered four – to – two

he saw it coming the fake handshake the feign  and as the kid extended his hand to take his whining brothers his brother suddenly snatched his wrist with his left and brought a wicked uppercut from his belt to the tip of the kids chin  c o l d c o c k e d  the fuck didnt even feel the back of his skull slap on the concrete street and the suddennessthe unexpectedness of it though he saw it comingsaw it coming because he knew his brother was crazy  wrenched the situation from their advantage  took it out of their hands

hed positioned himself to catch the guy standing beside him with an elbow to the temple

it was as easy as 1 – 2

                          and with the ferocity of the attackits suddenness now an even playing field with crazies the remaining two bolted

                     Buhbye baby Bye bye

his brother picked up their baseball bat from the side of the street and smashed the taillights of the c o l d c o c k e d cocks car

they walked away

they left the car running

stealing the car would have been a road -- too – far

listening to the commentator recalling his proximity to the president all he could think was that the commentator could have busted his lip and let loose-lipsprobably for the first time ever since he fell off his bicycle and had it shot that he would have tasted his own blood

the president who had no clue how many Americans had died of coronavirus – that was the question that should have been asked every time he took the podium – the president dispersed bright shiny objects to the media to keep it offbalance  

they shouldve been 

its nothing more that countermeasure  militaristic  

if the militarys brute force has civilian implications countermeasures flares and chaff bright shiny objects obfuscate and distract

            Look hereLook here! NO  Over thereOver there!

the president isnt a genius

he isnt even a man

his neighbourhood would have eaten him up and spit him out inedible  besides   who wants a mouthful of shit            

bright shiny objects  flares and chaff  distractions  phony childs toy balloons  and somehow the media is intemperate  is unwilling to call Horseshit! get up and walk out of phony coronavirus pressers feeble MAGA rallies and walk every time the president evades legitimate health concerns and cant answer the question

Sir. How many Americans have died from coronavirus?

if theres a single thingone number he should be able to hold in his head and regurgitate or maybe not its pretty big its the direct result of his failed policiesof the Federal governments inaction when its Intelligence informed his administration in November A PANDEMIC

                                             he ought to be able to saywith confidence irrevocably  at last because States data streams to the Federal government HOW MANY AMERICANS HAVE DIED BECAUSE OF HIS MAGICAL--THINKING 

“I ALONE CAN FIX (THIS).”

horseshit

            bust him in the mouth it wouldnt hurt to try to bring him back to reality the taste of his own blood

1859,  Thursday,  23  4. 20

1636,  Sunday,  26  4. 20

https://aviation.stackexchange.com/questions/44297/what-are-the-main-differences-between-flares-and-chaff

https://www.cnbc.com/video/2016/07/21/trump-i-alone-can-fix-the-system.html

Queen  Keep Yourself Alive  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VmEXWpvfhc

gun sales handgun sales theyre running off the shelves Its a mad Mad MAD!! World  CrazyEddieMAD! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCGsqBn9pog but Eddie aint sellin TVs and Videos  Its guns baby guns Guns GUNS! The Greatest Sale EVER!!!

So whos buying

https://annals.org/aim/fullarticle/2765237/coronavirus-disease-2019-covid-19-firearms-united-states-epidemic-suicide

“Persons who purchase handguns have a 22-fold higher rate of firearm-related suicide within the first year than those who did not purchase a handgun.”

Suicides?  Really?

                    They really gotta throw a cold wet blanket on gun salesgotta play with The 2nd Amendmentgotta effect an attack against the pearlywhite NRA  

WellGosh  their families had his sympathies

                                               but it aint theirs to tell someone what they ought to do with their lives – their hands should be filled with concerns and fears of their own

                                                                    not to mention YET HES MENTIONING IT aint an easier way out  is there  handgun in the mouth pointed uptop of the head blown out brains lacerated smashed to indiscrete marl fertilizer in South Korea they hang themselves

hopefully those who opt suicide are choosing a place where their families wont have to discover themwont have to clean up after themtheir brains and blood out of carpets clothing hanging in closets shoes on the floor he knew of what he said

these deaths are now culledlabelled Deaths of despair

sounds like the name of an ambient music band

he would be remiss if he didnt remind readers

                                                 Thars murder in dem thar hills a handgun might seem to be the only recourse for a risk-taker a Have-not taking back from a Have

O the webs we weave

                         maybe he ought to quit stopping spider suicides  theyre master webweavers

1723,  Wednesday, 22  4. 20

1753.  Saturday,  25  4. 20

https://www.thenation.com/article/culture/case-deaton-deaths-of-despair-book-review/  https://www.pnas.org/content/112/49/15078

he knew she noticed

it was just a matter of timeof opportunityof  not waiting any longer

                                                                           an ache he needed to rub

they exchanged glances  nods   later smiles

he wasnt obvious

or he wasnt as obvious as his brotherinlaw 

                                               he wondered if his brotherinlaw ever had game

if he had something that might be called game he called charm

his mother said he could charm the peel off a banana

too bad she said so when he was within earshot at a family picnic

uncharacteristically she was sipping cold beers

it was a hot July day

MAW she looked up over her sweating can of beer at him  Not a peel  Panties

if she was mortified which was always his intent to her perhaps buzzed credit  she didnt show it she didnt drop her beer 

she turned to his aunt sitting beside her Charming. Didn’t I say charming.

he would have liked to have been obvious

but obvious only played for him when he was confrontational

otherwise he preferred discrete

as she was

             she wasnt overtly attractive her attractiveness brightened when she smiled a big white smile even teeth  a curl to her lips   carnivorous

she was thick muscular  athletic  later she admitted she loved weightlifting but had to segue into crossfit when she broke her footdidnt recognised she had  It only hurt.  when she finally submitted she discovered it was broken

How did you break it

I went off a curb wrong; thought I twisted it badly

Athletes do that  It only hurts. he liked she could admit it I like your honestythat you admit it

a sudden carnivorous grin if possible her grin was better than her smile  he really liked them both

I know you noticed

she smiled broadly  gleefully

Whadoes your thigh say I couldnt help but notice  Tatted words speak to me

Sky above me; Earth below me; Fire within me. he nodded as she spoke  They’re my elements.

You strike me as elemental

Ohgosh, thank you. That’s awfully nice of you to say, no one’s ever said that to me.

I can relate  Im Aries  Im . .

. . Fire!

he smiled broadly Yes  Fire

Im Aries too.

1500-ish, Friday,  24  4. 20

1134,  Saturday,  25  4. 20

Jimi Hendrix  Fire  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIQxlkSTxGA

BUY A HANDGUN!

this morning he was on his game

he was on his game was because whahappened two days earlier  when he wasnt

a spider almost committed suicide in his bathtub

he went to take a shower

leaning in to turn the water on he glancedhe thought it was twined fine hairs off his cats

    

suicide  whispered   appleseed

                                even as he turned on the spigotrushing it to HOT  the spider did not movedidnt retreat

when he pulled the knob to kick in the showerheadits spray striking the sidewallwater rushing down its acrylic face

thats the first he noticed motion in the fine matthe cat hairs

it wasnt

         they were a spider sweptsuddenly aside and down onto the tubs bellywashed towards the drain

pivoting on a heela mad 360motion on the linoleum at180 he snapped a length of toilet paper hanging loose from its holderfreed unraveled by his cats who either played with it in boredom or attending nuisance at 360facing into the tub again he slipped the toilet paper directly in front of the drain

                                                                 the spider got hungup on it like a fish in a net

he snatchedup the spider with the toilet paper keeping it flat so he didnt damage its fragile extremities  

he flopped the tenuous tissue the loongdrawn whisper of an arachnid on top the vanity cabinet

                                                                                                        and watched

watched to see if it survived the batteringthe surging bathwater 

                                                                   it was slight

he heard a sputter watched a leg grope forward

he took his shower

drying offstepping out of the shower he saw the sodden toilet paper was empty

spiders attempted suicide in his shower more often than he like to think

                                                                            appleseed tried three times

this spider looked like the one from a couple days earlier

eightlegged arachnids were keeping him up on his ten toes

NO not on his watchNope

                             he yelled into his bathroom  BUY A HANDGUN!

1033,  Friday,  24  4. 20

Vic Chesnutt  Wrong Piano  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoB_jjDUbTY