7.11.19





Motherless Brooklyn


**spoiler if noir isnt your gamejazz isnt dont bother anif ya do bother understand that your opinion isnt worth shit so you might as well keep it to yourself


the film is stitchedheld together by its music

the music holds it in its arms like a swaddled babe

if the music hadnt been so compelling his interest would have wanedbeen lost 


noir hes watched it since he was a kid  those made in the 40s 50s  yes in glorious black and white

Motherless tried 

it fell short 




the film reminded him of a winter night when he was a teenager 

he and his kid brothernot a year younger were walking home from a bowling alley on Milwaukee Avenue

rather than walk into the bite of the wind and cold they took a shortcut across the frozenover Des Plaines River fingers crossed

they walked onto it sixseven feet apart shuffling their feet  and listened devotedly 

they were consciousthey talked about it on the bank before stepping onto the glazed snowswirled ice if one went through it they wouldnt take the other with them  and possibly the other might have a shot at pulling the floundering brother out as long as he didnt get swept under

                                                                                   or so they thought

they were pretty stoned

but being stoned made them feel light as feathers 

if they were drunk they would have been heavier
                                                     andrunk they would have walked the extra quarter mile up Milwaukee and crossed over the Des Plaines on the traffic bridge


stoned 
          they werent so disposed

obviously they made it


it was stunning how hard he listened as they walked listened to the snowmuffled creaks and cracks like an old abandoned house breathing sighing  waiting patiently for someone who would never come

under them he listened to the water run  running black and cold

he imagined what tumbling might look like if the ice gave way could he find up  could he punch up through it to gain a handhold before his breath ran out


he didnt think so

so he quit imagining and listened harder yet

he never knew what his brother thought

he never asked

maybe because reaching the other sidealmost to the bank his brothers leg went through the ice up to his knee

the river was shallow there

he had already made the bank

he grabbed a fallen limb held it out and pulled him up onto the snowy ground

all his brother said was Goddammit

that was thanks enough

it had been his idea to cross the ice



they walked through the trees and eventually found the road that meandered through the forest preserve

they were familiar with it
                           lots of family summer and fall picnics and barbecues were held there at the different open-air pavilions picnic tables anchored to concrete slabs beneath corrugated iron roofs some even had wood dancing floors  lots of footstomping polkas to accordion players

as they walked past the pavilions on the ash and graveled road he could hear soft howls bits and pieces faint ghost music playing he could see his younger self playing egg toss and water balloon toss the winning two won a homemade fruit pie or cake or fruit preserves relishes pickles
hed won better than his fair share


they walked briskly
                      his brothers sodden foot and frozen pant leg kept a striking cadence

thensuddenly his brother stoppedhis eyes darting left and right You hear that?

he listened

nothing

he shook his head no

his brother stood fast listening

then he shook his head no too

they struck off


then
      his brother pulled up There. That?

he listened


nothing

he shook his head no

his brother listened

he shrugged

he shook his head no too



they struck off
thensuddenly again There. That.
                                   he almost slippedfell onto his face stopping abruptly

he listened


no nothing

he shook his head

You didnt hear that?

he shook his head No

You sure?

I havent heard a thing

Alright.



they walked threefiftyfourhundred meters

his brother pulled up again That?

That What

You don’t hear that?

No


his brother stood listening You don’t hear that?

No


Then never mind. Must be my soundtrack.


1541,  Saturday,  2  11. 19
1052,  Thursday,  7  11. 19




That sounds like a threat.

A threat 


I do  I dont threaten 
                     You know that about me   Or should 

Or maybe youve forgotten                


Out of sight out of mind

Don’t be ridiculous.

Ridiculous

                I havent seen you in more than a year

It . .
. . Dont

You know Im scrupulous regarding my calendar dates and times  who Ive spoken with

Please

Dont challenge me Ill embarrass you

Youve been busy with you as Ive told you to be To be so jealously

My deliberate busy is annotated because thats wha I do whaIve taught myself to do

Ive tried to teach you but youre not me
                               
Thank gawd


                                                                   Has it really been more than a year?

her question might have hurt another mans feelings

but he had no feelings

                   dramatic  traumatic draumatic  experiences  had  ifnot cauterised his  had deadened them

he now came out of reasoned  perspective


emotion emotion  he devalued


he had wrestled with emotions and they exhausted him

pinning themhanging them out to dry  he decided reasonably  he was better off without them



she knew better than challenge him on facts

he was meticulous

she wasnt



so it seemed

                opposites  truly attracted

1606,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  6  11. 19
2350, Day-bewtween-Two-Ts,  6  11. 19
Chicago  Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uy0ldI_1HA

2.11.19



“It is my divine right to unconditional love. It is my divine right to unconditional love. It is my . . ”

he dug the premise 
                     though he hated to say that the announcerpronouncers voice distracted himtook him off message diminished the elation he might otherwise have enjoyed   they sounded like Rush Limbaugh a person whose very voice pissed him offwhose politics ran counter to his and whose success drove him up a wall  imagining beyond Limbaugh those who hung on his every word   

he leaned forward and killed the podcast

his daughter was asleep now 

he was tempted to argue divine rights
                                        but theres no sense arguing with a disembodied voice coming through the sieve of a speaker


they cant hear you




she was deeply asleep

he sat again in the wood dining chair he set at the foot of her bed

watched her
                  breathe

listened to the whisper of the ventilator aiding her

from the floor beside him he picked up his clipboard and paper the red Bic atop it  he wrote her a letterhe accused her of coercing him to write a letter shed smile at that when she read it
                                                                        he wrote her that when she was a baby sleeping in her crib her mother and he would tiptoe into the room and stand arms around each other  and marvel at the precious little girl they created with their love  

quietly watch her
                   a beautiful extension of their love 

more precious than either of their lives



he felt helpless

watching her

now


as she slept




he wrote







. . . I wouldnt be anywhere else in the world right now




                                                             . . . I love you   dad

0906,  Monday,  28  10. 19
1200,  Saturday,  2  11. 19

1.11.19




he walked into her roomstopped short
                                        she had said shed be meditating  she was in the classic pose crosslegged yogastyle spine erect

Ouchhis legs never bent like that maybe thats why he never pursued either meditation or prayers Gumby an Pokey had a better shot of being disciples faithfuls than he

he couldnt tell if she was conscious


the fact she sat boltupright wasnt a hint


she looked like a snake if a snake could close its eyes rather than shut down their retinas


he quickly checked his breathingquieted it he didnt want to interrupt her despite her saying that when she was in deep meditation nothing could disrupt her 

not even a Huey turning lazily overhead dumping fire-retardants on a fire razing homes around hers roused her

fact of the matter was last year seven homes within a quarter mile of hers off the same vale and candle-wicking palms went up in flames

her husband broke into her roomWe gotta go!  Go?  There’s a fire, babe. Move it!


still not to refute her he didnt want to traipse in and mess with her energiestake her off point

hed known too many women who complained he lost their orgasmthat he broke them by changing up his lapping rhythmhow the fuck was he to knowhe was busy  all they had to do was bury his head deeper between their legs that was communication enough mebbe a breathy Yahbaby  There!That’s it! Therethere  Thats ityoure at it Stay put ThereThere  Yaaah Yahthats the fuckin’ spot Aaah          


he thought she might be asleep she said sometimes she fell asleep in the midst of meditating part of it sometimes she communicated with it whatever it was at a different levelunconscious level
                                                                             maybe she thought he was an idiot

“Your soul will know.”
                        thats what he caught off the broadcast a man on a podcast kept reiteratingpronouncing like a bad case of herpes "Your soul will know.”
“Call it karma.”

“Call it your experience.”

“Your soul will know, your karma, your experience . . . you will  Know.”


he had trouble considering soul



when his daughter was younger he was younger whenever she got in trouble and she knew she was in troubleknew what she had done was wrong  she said her brain made her do it

Fuckin cutehuh

Cute

that was cute she fingered her brainan Aww an Aww moment
                                                                    so he awwwed  for a moment he had to take a moment to Awww  like cumming  a brightblue step outside himself
then 
      harshly as a parent he had to step back an step back up his senses cleared by either Awww or Ommm he had to tell his daughterask her  Your brain Really
Youre going to blame your brain

It did wrong


Your brain is you baby

Finger your brain all you want – but thats not getting you a pass or saving you from an appropriate punishment she hated punishment Dont do the crime if you cant do the time
a great tried and true adage
                              probably graffiti scrawled on a bathroom stall partition lotsa memorable lines were found on bathroom stalls or in bricked alleyways  scrawled with paint cans unschooled poets wary pithy observations

they interested him as much as literature refined prose

refined prose was too selfconscious for him too self-aware

on occasion he didnt mind it 

it was an acquired taste and not to be over-indulged

it was different than an unexamined life



So no baby Your brain didnt do it

You did it

An youre going to pay the price


You can think on that for the next fifteen minutessitting on the edge of your bed  DON’T you dare touch a toy  You sit  You think on what you you  youdid Not your brain  You  are  your  brain

he left the bedroom

she wouldnt dare cross him

he left her to examine her actions  her error  her life




now her sisteryears later is examining her soul


“Your soul will know.”



he doubted he had a soul


0828,  Monday,  28  10. 19
1308,  Reggae Friday,  1  11. 19
Faces  (I Know) I’m Losing You  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrOPJXrUWII
The Sound  Night Versus Day  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKdLSD0ETy0

31.10.19


House votes on impeachment inquiry resolution


immediately president Drumpf tweets “The Greatest Witch Hunt In American History”


when the FAKE PRESIDENT was elected I said he would be impeached 
                                                                         when he told America he could shoot someone on New Yorks Fifth Avenue and still would not lose voters he told America he was above the Law and he has acted like it since he thinks he is The Unquestionable Great Leader                                                                            
abject fealty is due him



its about time he faces impeachment

1040,  Thursday,  Happy Halloween,  2019

30.10.19


if that didnt blow his mindnot that he minded his mind blown
                                                                  he rather liked it

years of drug use had smiled on him


he was out theregoing inward
                                his whole reason for smoking dope hashish opium snorting THC eating psilocybin peyote dropping tabs of acid orange sunshine was to findthat doorway and burrow deep inside himself  find out what he was made of  find out that what didnt kill him Well just meant he got luckyreceived an undeserved Pass that time
   
although  he never never  never entertained a needle
it was offended him
                      maybemaybe he was a square he didnt think so he didnt mind needles for labwork or donating bloodhe avidly donated gallons and gallons of sloppy A+ blood for whoever needed it victim  or vampire
                                                                                                               yet needles didnt attract himno matter who the fuck was shooting up Stones Beatles Neil Youngs buddies  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49M10VIXPk4 they could have it

the buddies he had who shotup he witnessed the revolver pressed to their veins the sighs the aahs their eyes rolling in their skullsrolling back in their skulls a quiet  recess
Adios muthafucker
  
Nah not his thing
                    no matter how many times he was offered
Thats all yours man


sometimes the “All yours man” was the last thing he said to them  maybe the last thing they heard

he had lotsa dead friends



                               but what was tripping him today was his granddaughters watching cartoons on a Monday morning when he was a fucking kid the only cartoons available were had on Saturday morningsTHATS IT  and the cartoons were animals Deputy Dawg Bugs Bunny Daffy Duck Yogi and BooBoo Foghorn Leghorn  Speedy Gonzales Sylvester Tom and Jerry
                          not CGed phony human beings and certainly not hawking social media smartphones  apps

commercials tried
                   but who the fuck paid any attention to commercials


he couldnt say that one commercial ever made him want whatever it was they were hawking . . but then to be sure those doling grass or street corner pushers werent allowed to hawk on television
                                                                                      he had to excuse himself  Excuse me Fuckin cable



The Times Are A-Changin’  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90WD_ats6eE

 

0751,  Monday,  21  10. 19
1601,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  30  10. 19

27.10.19



some people kept bats or handguns or knives beside their beds 
protection from intruders

he didnt
          he always told his daughters if someone was fool enough to break into his place hed eat free for months

they knew he spent a few years on a cattle ranchknew that he worked parttime as a butcherthat he knew how to render cuts of meat from a carcass what was tender  what was tough and needed to be stewed 


he kept a hatchet and a K-bar knife beside his bed

he joked with his girls that he ought to cover the old carpet beneath his feet with plastic but plastic sounded creepy when he walked on it he could hardly tolerate its sound when he painted the rooms in his small house

Thank Gawd it was small 
it really wasnt a joke


he was violent by nature

it was a seam a loose stitch he picked at as a child and exploredunraveled  it made perfect sense 

some people werent violent

some people were

he would have been at home as a mountain man ages ago in the western United States 

solitary

on foot

having a pack animal to confide his thoughts


a woman women 
                      they were expendable  as men were expendable to them
love

a shackle

a possession some seemed to perceive it as such

no one possesses another

unless they ate them


someone didnt violate his place he was cool
                                                 he remembers an old Montanan handpainted wood shingle hung on a remote barbedwire fence  he had no argument with it
                                                            TRESPASSERS WILL BE VIOLATED


no fuckin clue, mid-week, best-guess scenario;  now 1530,  Saturday,  26  10. 19
The Buoys  Timothy  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjSmFq3j-8M