Now  thats the one way to get inside ones head 

                                                    read about a suicide attempt he didnt think anyone who was serious about suicide would fail his wife didnt she knocked it out of the park

as did his best friend

it hurt terribly

it still hurts

but it was their lives

                      their lives to do with as they wished

our lives are the only things we truly possess

he told them that he wanted what they wanted  that is his ideal of love

wanting for them unselfishly perhaps is what they needed

it still hurts

             but he understoodhe understood that suicide is not selfish

selfish are those who blame the dead for the pain their suicide caused them 

How dare they! was his thought

Think

       think of the decision to kill oneself self annihilation the couragetruly to die well die but to die by ones own hands

death-by-cop  he believed that was cowardly provoking them to kill you

                                                                             although in it he could see too it was just another mechanism

however 

          if you want to die you ought to assume entirely the responsibility  suicide isnt something to be spread around delegated

the article he read of suicide informed him of the putamen inside his skull hed never heard the word before although in Miami  Cuban he heard of word puta he heard it uttered at some of the blackhaired brownskinned beauties he dated by Cuban men who obviously didnt like that he was dating them

curiously they accosted the women rather than provoke him cheap machismo

Puta like the hiss of a snake

Whats that about Puta

Nothing, he’s a pig. I wouldn’t see him.

putamen "meaning nutshell is a round structure located at the base of the forebrain telencephalon the putamen and caudate nucleus together form the dorsal striatum  it is also one of the structures that comprise the basal nuclei

the basal nucleibasal ganglia are collections of subcortical nuclei gray matter in each hemisphere that help regulate voluntary movements that are selected planned and executed elsewhere in the brain"

he assumed voluntary meant those actions he voluntarily made

it was his brainhis decision not the basal nuclei or basal ganglias decision  

seemed by such description that they could be scapegoated he could be minimised

damn if he was going to be minimised

                                         though he saw the benefit perhaps a familial benefit  to accuse a collective of neurons rather than the wife daughter husband son sister brother mother father

                                                                                     rather than accept their decision their remarkably difficult brave decision

he never conceived of suicide

and not doing so 

not of that mindset

he was ignorant

and he would be ignorant if he possessedassumed their process because he wouldnt go there

his wife told him Imagine. I know you have a fertile imagination. Imagine my pain.

he told her that he couldnt he couldnt go there because Life was everything to him Life was a drug Life was a gift given day by day  he relished it

You’re a fool.

she was breathtaking 

                          No Its my philosophymy headstrong belief

Belief? You don’t believe in God, you don’t believe in religion. How can you talk of belief?

No Youve known that since we started dating Your belief and my belief have always been at odds Are you saying now that were incompatible that perhaps youre realising that now

Ive never lied to you

Have you lied to me

I prefer to believe you have not

For if you have its to your detriment  

Not mine

You’re very cruel.

No I have always been honest with you 

Brutally honest.

Yes if you would  brutally honest Ive been no guesswork 

Ive always told you exactly what I thought Always

I haven’t always liked what you said.

But thats the point of communication 

Were two different people two different people who love one another 

Marriage doesnt change us

Did you think I was going to change

I hoped you’d change.

Baby  I love you for who you are I never thought to remake you  Im terribly sorry if Ive disappointed you Im only who I am

1148,  Saturday,  17  8. 18

https://thewalrus.ca/the-truth-about-wanting-to-die/ 

The Who  The Real Me  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5z0MuKxfZc

he was beside himself

                        he looked over and saw himself slouchinghis spine elastic

he could take it now grimly

now was private

when he went out hed play the part that was his lifting others up plying them boisterously with words and broad smiles

thats why many of them came to his shop

because he could pull them up out of their maladies pull them up out of their quiet storm their quiet desperation

Who said that

               he knew that

he did

Thoreau 

           Yes

The mass of men . . and women . . lead lives of quiet desperation, and go to the grave with the song still in them.

he encouraged everyone to sing

                                  even if he had to shove happy words in their mouths happy ridiculous ideas in their heads  then demanded that when they returned they remind him of the assignment he gave them and what they did with it

he apologised if he couldnt remember I send a lot of people outa here with simple chores

and when they returned they reminded him  hed remember  he had a mind built for minutiaefor trivia  particularly when he was its impetus  AHyes  I do remember

it was satisfying when they played with him

adults forget that they ought to play

                                      every other Christmas or so he gave gifts of crayons and colouring books Jacks Pick-up sticks Tiddlywinks a wink is as good as a nod . . . to a blind horse to his siblings  Christ why are youse such sticks in the mud 

one Christmas he bought his sisters and sister-in-laws vibrators Ben Wa Balls  to his brothers and brother-in-laws he gave prescriptionsYES prescriptions  to Penthouse  he wanted something edgy

edgy

edgy

so akin to that was the gambitcourse he ran on his unsuspecting customers

he gave them something to think about outside the ordinary  and they took to it like bees to honey pigs to slop voyeurs to quiet stealth

that was his gift

and frankly when things for him personally got tough  he lost himselfgave himself a reprieve 

                                                                                                   thenmaybe those experiences interactions might bolster him might stiffen his spine remind him Life isnt fair No one said it would be A day at a time Life is for the Living 

Be a light

           though be aware no matter how bright shadows are always cast  and look into them  extend a kind faithful hand to others  to yourself

sometimes he forgot himself

    

1241,  Reggae Friday,  16  8. 19

Faces  That’s All You Need  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Swas_7y8ws     

How smart was he how smart was he

usually he didnt give himself any strokes 

abruptly he thanked others if they tried to commend him

to him it was a form of flattery and as a kid he didnt prefer it figured whomever used it wanted something  and he wasnt inclined to favor anyone  he was suspicious

a job well done thorough was confirmation enough for him

if he was rude and he wasnt or at least tried not to be hed interrupt them Please stop  No thank you  If you must go shine someone elses buttons

no praise

          he hadnt done the work for praise

he did it selfishly did it for his own satisfaction

How smart was he 

                    he was going to grind the beansstart the coffee so when he returned from his barber five minutes down an five back hed have freshbrewed without waiting on it it could wait a bit on himBAM he liked forcing inanimate things to do his bidding

coming home through the door hed dole some dates from the fridge into a small china bowl pour himself a cup of black joe sit before PC write emales  wriote interspersed with pauses in those mechanics to read articles of interest

made for satisfying mornings early afternoons            

How smart was he 

                    he was smart enough to know that he was gambling with his epiphany for whenever he thought he had something by its shorthairs  then something else unexpected traipsed along forcing him to improvise

improvise improve his vise get a better grip on the situationwhatever it is

                                                                             thats how smart

so head on a swivel

                     then eyes in a book In A Lonely Place Dorothy Hughes  when glancing ahead he saw the street formed up copacetic

haircut

he kept his hair short because his girlfriend liked it

the cut was a breeze

out the door

left past the building

eyeballed the street

nada  no sweat

nose in the book

all fine and dandy until he came up on the cornerthe right to take him home

                                                                                  a kid

a kid on a bent knee

a kid somewhere else in his head with a graying Golden retriever shaking beside him

the leather strap hung from its collar

Hey

the kid looked up

redrimmed eyes 

hed been crying

the dog hobbled a bit towards him  then gave up

the kid said nothing

Are you alright

whatever he tried to reply got lost in a gargle of sorrow his eyes grew wet

I cant help can I

Nahgulp .  .  . mister.

Alright  For what its worth  Im sorry

gently he placed his right hand on the dogs head it shook involuntarily  the dog didnt seem to notice his hand  

thats tough

             thats how smart he was

the coffee and dates didnt taste as good as they usually did

1104,  Reggae Friday,  16  8. 19 

he threw on the dvd-player a film called First Reformed with Ethan Hawke story of a conflicted priest

he thought all priest by nature should be conflicted 

they come from a long ancient line of snake oil salesmen

he couldnt understand why they or the people they shepherded lived this life for the promise of the nextfor Heaven

thats a crock of shit

reverse-engineer human beings

where were they before

they were uncreated

when they died they were going to be uncreated again

baby Heaven 

               fat Chance

there was a beautiful shot of a clapboard church against a pristine snowfall it draped in quiet white glittering snow the trees the bushes ground covered in unmolested untrammeled snow

                                                                       ground and trees he saw as a boy in early morning winters as he delivered newspapers from his wagon he pulled it its wheels turned soundlessly or if they made a sound it was lost to the crunch of his footsteps

every so often hed stop and make a snow angel in the street

that tickled him tremendously

to lay in the street without worrying a car was going to run him over

he missed the snowmissed the snow covering the ground the icicles hanging artfully  pure  from guttersfrom tree limbsfrom evergreens

he missed the awesome quiet it held

unfortunately

in the next few moments

he remembered

                     he remembered why he left the Midwest the snow  the cold white Beauty

he found his friends bodyhis skull shattereddestroyed the shotgun fallen from his hands yet leaning up against him in the woods along the Mississippi Lake Pepin not a lake the Mississippi widened there   it only looked like a lake

he fell against a small tree

it held him upright

blood and gory fouled the beautiful white snow around him in an ugly halo

he left Minnesota that spring

went to California

where it didnt snowwhere he wouldnt see his best friend dead

1825,  Sunday,  21  7. 19

1245,  Thursday,  15  8. 19

yacant help yourself

sometimes ya just walk into it hanging like a transparent spider web  it cloaking yer face walk into a snippet of conversation you lack the context and after hearing what you heard youd really really  like to know its context understand it 

              but thats not possible

thatd be rude

its none of your damn business

he worked retail

it was his job to approach people and see if they needed any assistance 

some customers wont ask on their own accord  reticent   shy

he likened it to the stupid question asked in school

if ones where the teacher sat theyd see that many faces in the class who looked in earnest when the stupid question was asked 

they hadnt the courage to ask it themselves

he didnt believe in stupid questions

nor in belittling the asker

Bravo

Thank you for taking the risk

                               and thereby enlightening more people than you could imagine

he went up the aisle towards two gentlemen who were in conversation 

he went to excuse himself see if he could help

however the man with his back to him said I can see the practicality. I see her point, we’re in a bind. She’s right, it’s practical. Still.  It’s tough. 

My wife is on her way to meet someone.

Meet them to fuck for money.

AwChrist he thought as he spun arounda fuckin ballet move good thing he was athletic Thats singularly and surrealistically  brutal

written sometime this century

he sipped his black coffee in coffehouses diners dinettes supper clubs donut shops and from thermos on jobsites off street curbs tree stumps benches picnic tables and at rocks at the feet of the Great Lakes beside unnamed lakes the Pacific Ocean Indian Atlantic oceans from Adirondack chairs on manicured lawns or upholstered chairs sofas ottomans in apartments homes suites bars and whorehouses every sip attended by unanswerable questions and perplexed friends acquaintances strangers willing to play the game who also had nothing to say

those endless affirmations of unknowing sweetened his coffee and often absently  looking into his cup he witnessed his eyes looking back at him  brightly hinting perhaps  that they knew what his own eyes did not 

                                                                                                     by their disconnect their thin surface existence by the hints of truth he captured on his paintings surfaces

he would clear his throat Waiter Waitress Hostess Joe (the barman) Please  another cup of coffee and hed drink his eyes seeking more and new reflections

                                         reflections too in shotglasses glasses of beer goneflat off his quivering face in creeks rivers lakes and seas

always  Please more

                       and more was what he got  asif he needed more  greed is wanting more and more and more and more and the more seethed in him brewed percolated dripped and spewed onto his canvasseshis papers it hacked his stone and pieces of wood becoming growing witnesses to those ever-unanswered questions 

they made their way to places he would never visit 

emissaries of his eyes

of Her eyes 

he would always be Her eyes 

no idea when I wrote it -- earlier this century

Dylan  Cup of Coffee  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95cufW4h-gA

difficult news bad news  made him furious 

                                               then hed try  try to negate his irrational bent  not beat someone senseless

not provoke them as much as his palms itched

the news exhausted himpulled his plug   emptied him

it made him heavy  two tons

made him want to sleep

                                            

it was better to sleep than to beat someone 

                                              despite him lining them up earlier as being worthy a good beating

he wouldnt kill them theyd never know how lucky they were  Never Not in a million years

thats how oblivious they were

who knows

maybe once he got up from his nap hed go out to find them anyways  insult taunt them

                                                                                              see if they wanted to dance wanted a piece of him wanted to walk into his ambush walk into the rage simmering inside him

maybe

who knows

hed see how he felt when he woke from his nap

1625,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  14  8. 19

Moscow Mitch

sounds like a cocktale

                        but then you taste it and spit it out violently  scrub your tongue with a cloth napkin then swill some iced fresh water to dilute it fearing youll vomit   

http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow/watch/mcconnell-at-nexus-of-increased-russian-leverage-on-u-s-66129477985?cid=eml_mra_20190815

1432, Thursday,  15  8. 19

theres almost a comfort that Netanyahu can come up from giving head  to clear his deep throat  and reverse himself  lie about why he is blocking US Representatives Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib from visiting Israel on a fact-finding visit

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/israel-will-block-muslim-reps-omar-tlaib-visiting-country-deputy-n1042606?cid=eml_mra_20190815

if we give it a moment his fellatio-partner 69er Drumpf will soon clear his throat too or unwrap his fingers to tweet  applauding Netayahus decision

1420,  Thursday,  15  8. 19

his daughterlittle knucklehead told him that 432 Hz (Hertz – frequency – electromagnetic waves) was her frequency the frequency that made her feel her best OhChrist Dont ask

Have you thought about yours, Dad?

My frequency

Lemme listen to yours

You bet!

         https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R27N7lBZzuo&feature=youtu.be

he listened

he felt the musicthe frequency wash acrossthrough him asif he were some gorgeous fabric  sieve  pulled taut across an unimagined portal an access egress exit  a thing in-betweenWha  Consciousnesses    Dimensions 

it was similar to acidtrips hed taken

                                      trips without destinationswithout impediments  

without gate agents conductors extremities 

without skin

            without  mortal boundaries 

he listened

Yaknow babe This reminds me of MinnesotaThursday nights Music to Disappear Into

Yes. I think so, I remember you telling me.

Ive told you many times

Yes, you have, though it’s nice you’re acknowledging this for me.

You dont need me to acknowledge anything for you baby 

No. Maybe acknowledging, acknowledgment, is the wrong word. I sense that I feel what you felt then, when you were listening to the broadcasts.

Ohgoodness Definitely I dig ambient music But how couldnt I  Music is the universal languageChrist I wouldnt be surprised it didnt communicate with things we believe are inanimate plants rocks With animals  I believe music has its own vocabularythat it can transcend any brook or barrier   

I feel I could share this with the sperm whale vertebra disk ribs I have in the livingroom

Yes. It’s wonderful, isn’t it?

It is I feel marvelous

It makes me feel marvelous.

An you need thatyou need to feel marvelous You need to feel that you lord over your domain 

I try to recognise that I can control what I can; though there’s much out of my control, and what that is I have to accept, have the courage to accept it 

                               I think you understand.

Reluctantly  I do

But Im a confrontational cuss

A confrontational old cuss.

Hey  Are you trying to get the last word in

Dad. 

I think you’ll always get the last word in.

Because you don’t know how to shaddup; nor would you.

Thats not a terrible thing baby

No.

It’s not.

Any adversary you confront will have their hands full.

As with you

Yes.

As with me.

But then I’m your daughter, and you’ve spared no time or effort informing the woman I’ve become.

We spared nothingyour mother and I

Yes.

But Mom didn’t hold a candle to your . apoplectic . . nature, shall I say. I can remember her trying to rein you in, and you’d spit out the bit, twist out of your reins and harness, throw cautions to the wind.

I’ve always admired that about you.

I can’t, not like you can, but I love, adore, that you can.

Thank you for saying so

You’re welcome.

I don’t need to say this: but don’t ever change.

he smiled I couldnt if I wanted to  Im set in stone

I love you deeply baby

I love you.

You going to find your frequency, Dad?

Yah I donwanna cop yours Ill letcha know when I find it

I’m anxious to hear.

0948,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  14  8. 19

Pink  Courage  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbGOfep7Mgc

                          sit with me

                                                    sit beside me

we can talk and laughyou can tell me a tale 

an Ill spin you a fantastic yarn 

                                          Ill pull your leg

talk with me

laugh and cry with me

grow old with me 

                        grow old sitting beside me

so I can hold your hand

an gaze into your eyes

so together we can gaze into Eternity

2119,  Sunday,  11  8. 19

0937,  Moanday,  12  8. 19