he threw on the dvd-player a film called First Reformed with Ethan Hawke story of a conflicted priest

he thought all priest by nature should be conflicted 

they come from a long ancient line of snake oil salesmen

he couldnt understand why they or the people they shepherded lived this life for the promise of the nextfor Heaven

thats a crock of shit

reverse-engineer human beings

where were they before

they were uncreated

when they died they were going to be uncreated again

baby Heaven 

               fat Chance

there was a beautiful shot of a clapboard church against a pristine snowfall it draped in quiet white glittering snow the trees the bushes ground covered in unmolested untrammeled snow

                                                                       ground and trees he saw as a boy in early morning winters as he delivered newspapers from his wagon he pulled it its wheels turned soundlessly or if they made a sound it was lost to the crunch of his footsteps

every so often hed stop and make a snow angel in the street

that tickled him tremendously

to lay in the street without worrying a car was going to run him over

he missed the snowmissed the snow covering the ground the icicles hanging artfully  pure  from guttersfrom tree limbsfrom evergreens

he missed the awesome quiet it held

unfortunately

in the next few moments

he remembered

                     he remembered why he left the Midwest the snow  the cold white Beauty

he found his friends bodyhis skull shattereddestroyed the shotgun fallen from his hands yet leaning up against him in the woods along the Mississippi Lake Pepin not a lake the Mississippi widened there   it only looked like a lake

he fell against a small tree

it held him upright

blood and gory fouled the beautiful white snow around him in an ugly halo

he left Minnesota that spring

went to California

where it didnt snowwhere he wouldnt see his best friend dead

1825,  Sunday,  21  7. 19

1245,  Thursday,  15  8. 19

yacant help yourself

sometimes ya just walk into it hanging like a transparent spider web  it cloaking yer face walk into a snippet of conversation you lack the context and after hearing what you heard youd really really  like to know its context understand it 

              but thats not possible

thatd be rude

its none of your damn business

he worked retail

it was his job to approach people and see if they needed any assistance 

some customers wont ask on their own accord  reticent   shy

he likened it to the stupid question asked in school

if ones where the teacher sat theyd see that many faces in the class who looked in earnest when the stupid question was asked 

they hadnt the courage to ask it themselves

he didnt believe in stupid questions

nor in belittling the asker

Bravo

Thank you for taking the risk

                               and thereby enlightening more people than you could imagine

he went up the aisle towards two gentlemen who were in conversation 

he went to excuse himself see if he could help

however the man with his back to him said I can see the practicality. I see her point, we’re in a bind. She’s right, it’s practical. Still.  It’s tough. 

My wife is on her way to meet someone.

Meet them to fuck for money.

AwChrist he thought as he spun arounda fuckin ballet move good thing he was athletic Thats singularly and surrealistically  brutal

written sometime this century

he sipped his black coffee in coffehouses diners dinettes supper clubs donut shops and from thermos on jobsites off street curbs tree stumps benches picnic tables and at rocks at the feet of the Great Lakes beside unnamed lakes the Pacific Ocean Indian Atlantic oceans from Adirondack chairs on manicured lawns or upholstered chairs sofas ottomans in apartments homes suites bars and whorehouses every sip attended by unanswerable questions and perplexed friends acquaintances strangers willing to play the game who also had nothing to say

those endless affirmations of unknowing sweetened his coffee and often absently  looking into his cup he witnessed his eyes looking back at him  brightly hinting perhaps  that they knew what his own eyes did not 

                                                                                                     by their disconnect their thin surface existence by the hints of truth he captured on his paintings surfaces

he would clear his throat Waiter Waitress Hostess Joe (the barman) Please  another cup of coffee and hed drink his eyes seeking more and new reflections

                                         reflections too in shotglasses glasses of beer goneflat off his quivering face in creeks rivers lakes and seas

always  Please more

                       and more was what he got  asif he needed more  greed is wanting more and more and more and more and the more seethed in him brewed percolated dripped and spewed onto his canvasseshis papers it hacked his stone and pieces of wood becoming growing witnesses to those ever-unanswered questions 

they made their way to places he would never visit 

emissaries of his eyes

of Her eyes 

he would always be Her eyes 

no idea when I wrote it -- earlier this century

Dylan  Cup of Coffee  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95cufW4h-gA

difficult news bad news  made him furious 

                                               then hed try  try to negate his irrational bent  not beat someone senseless

not provoke them as much as his palms itched

the news exhausted himpulled his plug   emptied him

it made him heavy  two tons

made him want to sleep

                                            

it was better to sleep than to beat someone 

                                              despite him lining them up earlier as being worthy a good beating

he wouldnt kill them theyd never know how lucky they were  Never Not in a million years

thats how oblivious they were

who knows

maybe once he got up from his nap hed go out to find them anyways  insult taunt them

                                                                                              see if they wanted to dance wanted a piece of him wanted to walk into his ambush walk into the rage simmering inside him

maybe

who knows

hed see how he felt when he woke from his nap

1625,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  14  8. 19

Moscow Mitch

sounds like a cocktale

                        but then you taste it and spit it out violently  scrub your tongue with a cloth napkin then swill some iced fresh water to dilute it fearing youll vomit   

http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow/watch/mcconnell-at-nexus-of-increased-russian-leverage-on-u-s-66129477985?cid=eml_mra_20190815

1432, Thursday,  15  8. 19

theres almost a comfort that Netanyahu can come up from giving head  to clear his deep throat  and reverse himself  lie about why he is blocking US Representatives Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib from visiting Israel on a fact-finding visit

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/israel-will-block-muslim-reps-omar-tlaib-visiting-country-deputy-n1042606?cid=eml_mra_20190815

if we give it a moment his fellatio-partner 69er Drumpf will soon clear his throat too or unwrap his fingers to tweet  applauding Netayahus decision

1420,  Thursday,  15  8. 19

his daughterlittle knucklehead told him that 432 Hz (Hertz – frequency – electromagnetic waves) was her frequency the frequency that made her feel her best OhChrist Dont ask

Have you thought about yours, Dad?

My frequency

Lemme listen to yours

You bet!

         https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R27N7lBZzuo&feature=youtu.be

he listened

he felt the musicthe frequency wash acrossthrough him asif he were some gorgeous fabric  sieve  pulled taut across an unimagined portal an access egress exit  a thing in-betweenWha  Consciousnesses    Dimensions 

it was similar to acidtrips hed taken

                                      trips without destinationswithout impediments  

without gate agents conductors extremities 

without skin

            without  mortal boundaries 

he listened

Yaknow babe This reminds me of MinnesotaThursday nights Music to Disappear Into

Yes. I think so, I remember you telling me.

Ive told you many times

Yes, you have, though it’s nice you’re acknowledging this for me.

You dont need me to acknowledge anything for you baby 

No. Maybe acknowledging, acknowledgment, is the wrong word. I sense that I feel what you felt then, when you were listening to the broadcasts.

Ohgoodness Definitely I dig ambient music But how couldnt I  Music is the universal languageChrist I wouldnt be surprised it didnt communicate with things we believe are inanimate plants rocks With animals  I believe music has its own vocabularythat it can transcend any brook or barrier   

I feel I could share this with the sperm whale vertebra disk ribs I have in the livingroom

Yes. It’s wonderful, isn’t it?

It is I feel marvelous

It makes me feel marvelous.

An you need thatyou need to feel marvelous You need to feel that you lord over your domain 

I try to recognise that I can control what I can; though there’s much out of my control, and what that is I have to accept, have the courage to accept it 

                               I think you understand.

Reluctantly  I do

But Im a confrontational cuss

A confrontational old cuss.

Hey  Are you trying to get the last word in

Dad. 

I think you’ll always get the last word in.

Because you don’t know how to shaddup; nor would you.

Thats not a terrible thing baby

No.

It’s not.

Any adversary you confront will have their hands full.

As with you

Yes.

As with me.

But then I’m your daughter, and you’ve spared no time or effort informing the woman I’ve become.

We spared nothingyour mother and I

Yes.

But Mom didn’t hold a candle to your . apoplectic . . nature, shall I say. I can remember her trying to rein you in, and you’d spit out the bit, twist out of your reins and harness, throw cautions to the wind.

I’ve always admired that about you.

I can’t, not like you can, but I love, adore, that you can.

Thank you for saying so

You’re welcome.

I don’t need to say this: but don’t ever change.

he smiled I couldnt if I wanted to  Im set in stone

I love you deeply baby

I love you.

You going to find your frequency, Dad?

Yah I donwanna cop yours Ill letcha know when I find it

I’m anxious to hear.

0948,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  14  8. 19

Pink  Courage  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NbGOfep7Mgc

                          sit with me

                                                    sit beside me

we can talk and laughyou can tell me a tale 

an Ill spin you a fantastic yarn 

                                          Ill pull your leg

talk with me

laugh and cry with me

grow old with me 

                        grow old sitting beside me

so I can hold your hand

an gaze into your eyes

so together we can gaze into Eternity

2119,  Sunday,  11  8. 19

0937,  Moanday,  12  8. 19

stolen hours  their stolen hours were something to be behold

                                                                 but unfortunately were not held often

thats how life shakes outthey were up to their eyeballs in each other then circumstances came to prevail that pulled them apart

the glue at their joints were still sticky  opposite magnetic poles still attracting  which begged irritatingly for reunification 

               albeit shortlived comingtogethers

they teased Beggars cant be choosers eh

their lives took them down separate paths  paths they each desired  and people in love want for the other what they want deep in their hearts 

love does not hold hostages

if one wants to keep the other

then they do not really love them

                                     they want to possess them 

possession isnt love

its owning

no one owns another

1619,  Monday,  5  8. 19

1221,  Sunday,  11  8. 19

The Beatles  Come Together  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oolpPmuK2I8

the FAKE PRESIDENT retweets Epstein conspiracy theory claiming Clinton connection

granted  hes on vacation enjoying 100% unstructured time  letting his mind wander as he plays with his dick musing on the Old Times partying with Epstein  Run with the it

1844,  Sunday,  11  8. 19

https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-retweets-epstein-conspiracy-theory-claiming-clinton-connection-n1041146

he finally met his daughters Reiki master

it occurred to him that when she was a little girl he didnt let her visit a friend or conceive of an overnight unless he had met her friends parents 

                         no fuckin brainer  he vetted

he was vetted

parents keenly watching out for their children

                                                 and in this thinking an epiphany occurred  while his daughter had been training with her Master for many years he had never met herYES his daughter had childrenwas an adult yet and because they lived hundreds of miles apart he hadnt had the opportunity to meet her

so since he made a sudden visithis daughter already had planned a session he asked her if he could ride along to meet Karren then leave them to their Reiki and he would walk for a cup of coffee  afterwards she could pick him up

Such a deal 

Karren is a beautiful spirit

they embraced when they met

then he left them to their Reiki and he went for his coffee  he carried his everpresent cloth sackhung by its handles over his shoulder which held pens paper clipboard and usually two books though cut to one as the session would be an hour and a half

his daughter recommended an organic food store not a mile off along the way home when she finished her session  called Erewhon

he remembered the store  upscale  attracted the attractive peoplewealthy people who could afford expensive organic foods

the storeas he recalled was magnificent  maintained to peakperfection it gave him goosebumps to walk in and pay five dollars for an medium organic black drip coffeehe hadnt had a coffee out in well  he couldnt remember the last time  whywouldhe  he had coffee and a coffeemaker at home he glibly defied convenient products

he took an outdoor four-chair table in the shade to himself

it was hot outside

most of the customers remained indoors in the lavish café that had counters countertables and intimate café tables four chairs  knee to knee 

setting his coffecup and saucer down he slipped his carryall to the tabletop across from him 

he picked up the book he brought  JFK and The Unspeakable: Why He Died and Why It Matters a harrowing insightful political and US Intelligence history  their audacity hubris their wicked wicked ways 

                                                                                            it made him gag to be an American 

No  he wasnt going to readhe read as he walked over No he was going to write his daughter letterhe used to have coffees and write letters while people looked over his shoulder and asked what language he was writing in he guessed audacity didnt stop at Intelligences waters edge  he did though enjoy the slap of their jaws when they hit the floor whenwithout looking up he said  English

to be fair to the eavesdroppers his handwriting had flourisheshe could have been a tagger and he defied writing line after linehe wrote small organic wholes then spun the pagetilted iwent upside down and traversed whole to whole with arced arrowheaded lines mishmash in brilliant BICred ink every pagefront and back looked organic looked artfully

but thats because it appealed to him

he never received one of his letters

he thought if he had he would be thoroughly entertained 

it wasnt necessary his words communicated anything 

he called it mosaic 

his parents said they could only read a page at a time

they called it a labyrinth 

See! even his parents could get onboard

                                           however they also complained it was not easy to read or comprehend

he laughed If it made you thinkeven if you didnt understand a word of it it made you think I dont care if you can read it or not If some worm turned in your brain I did what I wanted to do

so he put JFK aside and wrote his daughter letter

he lifted his eyes to the customers coming to the store out of the parking lot

manymany bodacious women scantilyclad it was a hot day

but the surprisehe was grateful his daughter hadnt showed up yet was the two bikers on chopped Harleys wearing black leather colours insigna filthy hair moustached beards grisly bulked up tatted

                                                                                       it seemed Erewhon preceded itself and attracted clientele like moths to a bright lightbulb in the dark

his daughter arrived before the bikers exited

                                               he was curious what they might have purchased he prayedand he didnt pray it wasnt beer or alcohol

1615,  Moanday,  5  8. 19

234 or 1434,  Sunday,  11  8. 19

Ides of March  Vehicle  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXvegzWNIps

he was reading about stress 

                               though if any stress crept or slithered near him it provoked a kneejerk reaction  he steadfastly maintained a vigilance to minimise his stressors violently  

                                                                          perhaps those animal didnt recognise his confrontational nature

long ago his father taught him if a fight was imminent he should throw the first punch 

lotsa fights in his experience didnt go beyond that preemptive strike the reality was it was a combination and for it he kept in his head that he wasnt going to be killed by a dead man  he delivered more coup de graces in Nam than he would admit  

that was then

that was survivalhe tried not to think of them
                                                 they were water under the bridge

yet he often struggled to put away the vapoursthe smoke that seeped from their broken skulls against  which played like film projected on its nebulous suffering revealing bits and pieces of their lives their upbringingtheir families  their intimate memories

                     which every human being shares 

they remain gut-wrenching

when adrenal and corticoid levels went up with stress inverse melatonin levels were suppressed  the good oldfashioned misunderstood pineal gland was at work
Gawdbless its ugly little head

melatonin is mightily at work when one sleeps

                                                  fashioningdictating dreams

so  combatively he suppressed stresshe suppressed anxiety worry his foes  he suppressed them viciously  kneecapped any attempt that HAmeandered into his realm

Life can be difficult 

                     but one doesnt have to dance with all oncomers  one picks and chooses their battles

he was preemptive 

he was ugly

he didnt apologise

1041.  Twosday,  6  8. 19

1518,  Saturday,  10  8. 19

PS FAT is nothing more than stored energy

                                                America has more stored energy than one can shake a stick at

Epstein extinguished 

                       his son-in-law tipped him off in a text Good riddance Epstein ya pusillanimous predator! pusillanimous was a taunt a code word they shared from their last visit

pussyllanimous pussy  occurred to him in the first moment

                                                               then in the next it occurred to him the damning evidence Epstein took to his death . . all the wealthy well-connected predators his death would protect

                                                                                                  and if someone thought otherwisethought Epstein raped abused young girls singlehandedly  that he didnt share

Fuck them

1223,  Saturday,  10  8. 19

TMZ perfecthuh  https://www.tmz.com/2019/08/10/jeffrey-epstein-dead-dies-suicide-jail/