sometimes    sometimes  his scribbling got the best of himhe had to fall to a magnifying glass to look hard at his words  individually  in context  to see if he could identify thembreak his code 

                                                                                   then he often laughedsaying out loud This is what regurgitation must look like with a pen and paper and in the back of his mind he could hear himself heave heavegurgle slopping stringy spittle his anus puckering puckered beyond its usual sour puss countenance

when people accused someone of being a sour puss he thought of anuses he thought asshole he had no idea where that imagining was founded

No  he wasnt repelled by anuses

he thought the intricacy of its elastic gathering was remarkable an unmatched valve  a bioengineering feat

a masterpiece that only genes could create  not men in jean overalls

he puckered his lips

                      the similarity between the In of his body versus the Out of his body was fantastic                                                                                                    

flatulence had rudimentary pitch and tone 

                                             he teased that it was a shame that an anus hadnt vocal cords to help better enunciate Maybe we shouldn’t have been tempted by the habanero we ate hed say Great Now you tell me 

no matter voiceless in the aftermath it did have the ability to communicate its displeasure with his choices

                                                                                                                 adamantly

he was very fond of all the female anuses he met

when he lavished tender affection on them he hadnt had any complaints

                                                                             shy giggles perhaps  What are you doing? 

mmuufflleedd Im paying keen attention to every bit of you

Yes giggles

             but no complaints     

1611,  Monday,  3  12. 18

1527,  Twosday,  4  12. 18

Mikey  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYEXzx-TINc 

Zappa  Dirty Love (fuzzy poodle)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nQeYoYn03s

the flickering candlelightthe lavender scent rising off the hot bathwater

                                                                          appleseeds silver web  which she spun slyly  shivered artfullydanced with its shadow in the corner by the ceiling above washbasin  inhabited nowhopefully by a descendent he called yaaintnoappleseed so fuckin original sitting quiet as still as appleseed had while she attended him

his cats indie and october sat side by side on the bathmat their heads tilted back looking up at him with wide imploring eyes

        he bid them adieu and slipped down into the baththe hot water lapping at his chin lavender in his nose

      enjoyed the flickering silence

then out from behind the slender web of silence wovenperhaps by another kind of quiet spider he heard the bathwater escapewhispering dribblingcautiously devout sips slipping down the overflows gullet 

                                                                                 in that sensuous sound he heard his sisters voice

                               I don’t want to die.

I don’t want to die.

he listenedhe tried not to Gulptried to quell his tears as they sprung into his eyesrolled down his cheeks

AwBaby

I . . I don’t want to die . . . but I’m going to . . there’s nothing more that can be done.  I want to live. DAMN this cancer.

My . . body . isfailing me.

his tears kept coming 

somehow he didnt betray them

I love you very much honey

Auw . . I love you too.

she wept into the telephone

he listened

he tried to send her strength

he didnt want her to die either

Oh. I don’t want to die.

the overflow sips the hot water

                                     it metes the inevitable drip of cold Time

he was aware

aware

                         very painfully aware

yaaintnoappleseed took a few steps toward him as appleseed had   to console him

2153,  Sunday,  2  12. 18

1343,  Monday,  3  12. 18

Brain Eno  New Space Music  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dikWB6wm0A

he was awarehe usually kept his eyes peeledears open for a story though often he was blindsided  which was refreshing he didnt have to do all the worktease or goad its possibility into the light of day where itd walk out hesitantly a hand up shading its eyes stepping unsurely  

                                                  then finally making its presence known 

he was having breakfast with a guy he met on a plane to visit his daughter in Seattle

that had been months earlier

they jived

their nexus was that they were fellow Midwesterners

the guy was from Iowa the son of a man who worked his entire life at a Hormel meatpacking plant  a father of seven

he was from Chicago the son of a man who was an efficiency expert turned cost analystwhich tickled himcertainly coincided with his fathers overt anal tendencies some prefer anal retentiveness  he wouldnt argue for anything anal  Christ Buy an anal thermometer! Get it over with hed drive his father nuts not doing chores in manner he prescribed they be done  Get away from me Dad you do it your way an Ill do it mine Aint no matter itll be completed If you want it done so badly in the way you want it done you do it 

his father probably would havehe cringed when he saw his kid working but he hadnt the time  he worked two jobs to provide for his wife and eight kids

whenever he felt that paternal analness sneak up on him as he raised his kids he shook himselfbarked like a big dog which cracked his girls up then he let them have their headtheir way As long as we get it done is all that matters But youll clean up your messnot me Understood

they said they did

                   but they were always peeved when he was finished and having a beer and they were still at it

Ron his name from Iowa  they had a late breakfasthe arrived late Almost not at all he jested  a truck moving bees blew a tire and lost control on the narrow two lane highway that lead to the coast  broken hives littered the road and agitated bees worried the police and cleanup crew he pressed forward he insisted he had a critical financial meeting and would assume liabilityresponsibility if he were stung  he was driving an open MG MGB sportster they bought it he droveswerved around broken impediments and smiled with the humoured bees puny insects bettering Mankind

when he arrived at the restaurant breakfast had entered the realm of brunch

Whadaya havin? Ron asked  I think I’m havin a burger.

                                                           he liked when people asked a question and followed it up with their intention or answered what they asked he got riled when people threw something out and hadnt the common sense to him to also offer their take asif they were interrogating him  he  a subject  sweated in a dark room with a bright desk lamp shone in his eyes

he said as much to Ron  Wow, you certainly have a way of painting, starkly, where you’re coming from. You’re visual.

Yah I dont want there to be any confusionany ambiguity about how I feelwhat I think I prefer explicitness Sunlight the best disinfectant We seempeople seem more infectedor infested than ever

Pretty dark.

Dark  because were constantly fed the bright pretty bauble  forcefed it  seemingly we cant pause to look behind the curtainlook into the dark our eyes can grow accustom to itwe can see into it Its not optimism versus pessimism rather we should recognise that theyre not flipsides but rather a linear spectrum the whitest black to blackest white

Haven’t heard that before; makes sense. Whadaya havin ?

Blueberry buckwheat pancakes

That’s not on the menu.

It is They have a fruit cup and in the fruit cup are fresh blueberries Im extrapolating though to be completely honest Ive had them here before

Ah. Clever.

Possibly Im not stopped on a highway by bees Possibly held for ransom

Ron laughed openmouthed a great HAH! HAH! Good one!

Thank you How have you been comparatively

Compared to what?

Compared lets say to the strangest thing thats ever happened to you

The strangest thing . .

Yes Surely youve dealt with strange thingsyoure old enough to have youve mentioned you travel youre here youre not a hermit youre not asexual . .

. . Ouch! You lookin to hurt me?

No just painting in broad strokes leavin the detailingthe finish to you

Strangest thing. Huh. What’s strange to me?

Didnt see that cominghuh

I didn’t. Wasn’t expecting that.

Yes Thats the thinkingunexpected My girlfriend and I attribute our relationship to unexpectedness 

Seems odd.

Not really We both adore found art What could be more accidental or unexpected  Nice that its incorporated in our relationship

Interesting.

Stop  Interesting is ambivalent Youre saying nothing . .

. . I think . . 

. . Save your breath until you can say exactly what you mean Firsthowever your strange thing dont get off coursedistracted Im innarested in your strangest experience

I’m trying to think, you’re distracting me.

Im good in silence  Take your time

Thank you

their food came Ron didnt get catsup with his burger he had the waitress take away the syrup that accompanied his pancakes 

You don’t care for syrup?

Nah I like my food straight typically as raw as I can have it 

Since when?

Since I was a little more than a kid I like crunchthings in their native state Though lets not get off track Im waitin on you

they ate for a while

Got it! The strangest thing!

Pray tell

As I’ve said, you’ve said, I travel a lot. I travelled extensively after my hitch in the military before returning to Iowa, gaining entrance into the Iowa Writers’ Workshop . .

. . No small task

Yeah. I have to admit I was surprised I was accepted.

I understand its prestigious

Second only to Columbia.

No  I think Iowas cream of the crop

Maybe now. Though then, in the Seventies, I believe Columbia outlegged Iowa.

Possible  However   Strange

Yes. Strange. During my travel throughout Europe, the British Isles, South Asia, I bought and sent a ridiculous amount of postcards to myself to my parents’ address; hundreds, and annotated them to remind me of particulars, of my experiences.

I met a girl.

She was a freak for postcards.

She’d fuck me or blow me for a postcard.

Crazy currency, man.

And when she had all my postcards she split. In the middle of the fuckin night; truly. I woke in the morning and she was gone.

I hope she was a good fuck

She was amazing.

Maybe you werent so good a fuck

Jésus, mon doux Jésus.

Huh

Sweet Jesus. What a terrible thing to say.

Just saying  She split

Thats strange

It was. Then I booked for the West Coast, San Francisco; then later Seattle. I only visit the Midwest on occasion; my whole family’s there.

Though admitting that I cant say I know which is stranger  Huh

1410,  Saturday,  1  12. 18

1413,  Sunday,  2  12. 18

he couldnt speak for othershe wouldnt he was floored when someone piped up and declared what so-an-so would think or say or do JesusChrist the audacity  then it occurred to him that someone might have spoken for him behind his back his hackles went up at the mere thoughtNO he wouldnt speak for anyone other than himself

he had sat down to write a letter to a friend about a subject that recently was offered him attemptingperhaps to explain how his familyhis childhood family had treated his sister as she fought cancer for ten hard years before it took her

her body killing her

they said it might be something called relationally incapacitated 

                                                                     without knowing what the concept entailed he wasto say the least s h o c k e d  bruised by what the paired words communicated although he was immediately more prone to accept the notion than deny it to defend them why would he do that he acted nothing like they did  he acted exactly like his dead sister

he found an article  it began “Absence of the mother . . ” or mothering perhaps he inferredthe damn neighbor fired up his blower ostensibly to blow away leaves shaken down by the wind that whipped the neighbourhood and ran in tandem with a twenty hour rain that had fallenGawddammit The grounds wet the leaves are wet its gonna rain some more  over his muttering he heard his neighbor curse the machine it wasnt blowing the leaves off his drive the engine revved louder the leaves adhered to the blacktop NOhe wouldnt speak for others Use a fuckin broom an a shovel if you want the leaves up so badly People so damn lazy  And I got to listen to this shit . .

he set the article aside

                         he opened a new page a distraction art an article on art about a Rembrandt showing in London  he opened another page on Rembrandt Images which triggered Modigliani Images Picasso Rivera Tamayohe opened other pages Frida Images he couldnt say how long he took turns at magnifying certain drawings and canvaseshow long the space grew in his chestthat sensation that flowed in him like fresh blood asif he was transfusedthat sensation that always rushed himaccompanied him as he looked at artthe reason that possessed him and led him to museums and galleries hundreds of miles away . .

then atasudden he realised no outdoor noise  his hearing flipped on again after he turned it off the neighbor and the leafblower had desisted

rain was falling

it whispered

he blew kisses to the artwork closed their windows gently one at a time willowing the menu back to the single page that brought him to the computer in the first place 

a pot of coffee brewed toast Sorrento orange marmalade and two cups later "Absence of the mother . . mothering . . and growing up without significant personal contacts from the start of a child’s life, unaccompanied by the influence of an externalizing environment, favor the emergence of an apathetic and relationally incapacitated ego which “plays the role” of an ego without fulfilling its synthesizing role . . favor the emergence of a tendency to avoid relationship and introjection . . favor the emergence of ego-inflation characteristic of an aggressively egocentric psychopath . . ”

he didnt know the term introjection

introjection “Children are looking to their environments to define them. They look into the faces of their caregivers and they see mirrors. They do this, however, not simply to see themselves, but also because they fear abandonment. They feel that they must be whatever is in that mirror in order to maintain a relationship with their caregivers. What they receive from those upon whom they utterly depend is overwhelming. Their sense of self goes with the undercurrent, and they become whatever they see in the mirror. So, what is projected onto them—because the parents have not resolved the issue themselves—the children accept as identity. They have not yet developed the ability to reject the projection.”

AH  reject the projection

reject the mirror

he never cared much for mirrors he used them to shave he didnt want to cut his throat he really liked the straightedge razor handed down to him from his grandfather  the utility of it  the horsehide strop 

thats about all he took from family

his sister was five and a half years younger than him he jumped the brother and sister who followed him and spent a lot of time with her they palled aroundpalled around until he did what he said he was going to do the whole time he was young  he left home

left the state

his mother wasnt particular influential

his father wasnt either

perhaps the reason why his sister was like him was because he rubbed off on her

usually he rubbed people the wrong way

maybe he rubbed one right

relationally incapacitated a mouthful  and foul

1126,  Saturday,  1  12. 18

improvisation

               some lives are an improvisationmade up on the fly  sometimes made up

there wasnt a plan

he improvised

he saw family and friends and acquaintances who had plans which for the most part had been successful  some wildly successful  

he liked that they succeededhe admired them

on occasionthough a person said that they believed he begrudged them their successthat he was quietly jealous or envious  It’s understandable. Why wouldn’t you be? they have so much more than you.

Aww then you dont know me

                               and with that admission he ended the relationship

no company was better than bad company

his daughters suggested he might want to relax his rigid standards  be more flexible 

Ah my loves easy for you to say  You can do yoga

Yoga? What does yoga have to do with anything?

As you know well my bodymy joints havent the flexibility you exhibit  That said  my inflexibility is inborn  It is innate  It is my nature 

Man, you can be so stubborn.

Yet again another aspect of my nature  Dont worry Ill be fine  You know I can entertain myself

he always had that  ability

he was social to an extentpreferring his society in small doses

working as a clerk in a liquor store provided him that  his customers knew what they wanted  in ‘n out propositions

he was the final hurtle they had to clear

not that they knew that 

his regulars were a treat  they were on first name basis

then he had irregular regulars those who stopped so far apart that he hadnt learned their names his name was obvious he worn it pinned on his apron yet while he didnt remember their names  he certainly recalled their faces

she had been inmaybe a half dozen times over the last two years  always very pleasant always a nice surprise

their first interaction was memorable because she wanted to buy a nice whiskey for her husbandshe wanted to spend  she said  a memorable amount on it

he explained he was partial to Irish whiskey what did her husband prefer  might it rather be a Scotch

she smiled a smile that perfectly fit her face

she wasnt beautiful but she certainly gave beauty a run for its money he recognised it was her overall expressionspursing her lipsher dimplesbright engaging eyes all going off simultaneously like fireworks

when she laughed she didnt cover her mouth

he convinced her to buy a 21 year old Redbreast What man can say no to a 21 year old breast he said with a wink Youre welcome to steal my line if yalike

she blushed beautifully maybe she was beautiful  

since then they were fast friends their smiles quickly greeting each othereven before they could speak

he couldnt say for herhe assumed she might but he terribly enjoyed their brief conversations over the counter during her purchase

this evening she came in again

it was raining

she wore a bright red vinyl raincoat midthigh it played well with her auburn hair and complexion she wore it over a deep green Vneck sweater black leggings black halfboots modest heels

raindrops clung to her hair

she was purchasing a bottle of red wine I didnt ask for your help tonight because you said you don’t prefer wine.

Youre rightexcellent memory among other things his eye running to her cleavage attributes  tastes  thats a very attractive pendant Ill guess you bought it for yourself

Stop she said placing her fingers to her necklace You’ll make be blush.

But you wear it so well Your colouring becomes you

and she blushed

I did buy it for myself.

How did you know?

It  seems how shall I say   declarative Although we dont know each other well I would venture to guess only you could have given it to yourself It comes from a deep place

as he spoke she was looking at it between her fingers  It is. she looked up at him  That’s very perceptive of you.

Well Not really  Its framed so very well

she blushed again

then he almost surprised himself Have you ever had a naked picture taken of you she blushed deeper not that Im offeringNo Im not a photographer But I do enjoy photography I would hope if you had that it is in black and white

she looked down to her pendant she still held it in her fingers then she looked up at him I can’t believe I’m saying this; but yes.

Why?

Your pendant told me Perhaps you might consider sharing a favorite with me

Maybe I might.

Id like that

For some reason, odd reason . . I think I might like that too.

he didnt saw that conversation coming

   

                                            spontaneity isnt planned

1129,  Reggae Friday,  30  11. 18 

Keith Jarrett  The Koln Concert  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzVlpPY2gsY&list=OLAK5uy_lapldioAF_TED2mynorLZzhTXmhfdcZfI

https://www.udiscovermusic.com/stories/koln-concert-keith-jarrett/