a high horse

September 11 

I never refer to it as */**

17 years later

looks like a gravestone 

I feel badly for all the children who have been born since  and the children who were too young to understand how Bush & Company dismantled America  I feel badly for the generations who might never know the America and freedoms of my youth  how our ideals were shredded  how this New America was enabled by politicans of both stripes  unchecked by the Fourth Estate(made cheerleaders! unwilling to exercise their due diligence and thoroughly question and investigate -- perhaps fearful of being seen as unpatriotic – as if evidence or truth could be)  we knelt before their crusade we kowtowed to hubris  we were atomized by a phenomenally-successful terrorist attack which should have met its justice by a worldwide intelligence effort not by the slaughter of war  or rendition  or blacksites and torture  or Guantanamo not by the wholesale belligerence of deluded wannabe worldmakers

the atomisation continues because it is easier to kick the can down the road than to muster a revision and the courage to cease the farce of post-September 11

1141,  Twosday,  11  9. 18

technology  fucking technology

                              it waylaid himhe forgot his sister said she left a message on his machine he saw that he had 4  usually antagonizing robot telemarketers hawking bullshit were smart? enough to recognise when a machine answered their call and theyd disconnect  only to call againseveral times throughout the remainder of the day asif hed answer when a machine called Awfuck you  he had no respect for businesses or politicians who recorded robocalls

if he had his druthers hed set Tetsuo loose on emhave him fuck em in the ass with his enormous grinding drillbit cock

an thenonly then  would he listen to their screaming robosexcall    thatd be something

sometimes all one can do is hope

he tapped the PLAY button on the machine the wenchs wavering voice began to be fair it was probably 15 years old

voices didnt sound human syllables didnt align youHAVE foOR mesSAges  I gotta message for you right here he gripped and tugged his package through his cords  FIRerst MESsage  Hi Billy, this is Elaine. Im running late. Hold tight please. Ten minutes tops. 

Who the fuck was Billy and Elaine

theyd never be made into a song 

enthusiastically he killed the messagepunching the button with his middle finger

Joe.    Alright.  Joe. This is Andrew at McCarthys. The pool was shutdown this morning for repairs. You had a two oclock lane two. I hope you get this message before you come to the gym.

he didnt

Hi, Joe. I’m sorry I missed your call yesterday morhe stopped it  saved it

Awbaby my poor baby the words rode on his breath rather than him saying them  

the ensuing calls came to his cell from his brotherinlaw  things had veered all to hellhad become precipitous  they wanted to give her time to pull upcome out of this nosedive  she had before  

she had before

three calls in just over 24 hours 

the fourth call went to voicemail  he was driving  he got to the side of the highway and listened to it  Joe his brotherinlaws voice broke its a single syllable Youah betterah come soonasyouah can  Love ya 

his brotherinlaw could have won the audition 15 years ago to be the voice on his message machine

fucked by technology

                       and uglier thingsjust warming up would be coming down the pike  

occurred to me Saturday evening

1024,  Sunday,  9  9. 18

Tetsuo: The Iron Man  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZgMglURkjg

Think Im going to take a long walk on water

Huh

HUH  Do you know how abjectly stupid you sound when that comes out of your mouth Christ

I dont think I heard you right

What did you hear

I think you said I think Im going to take a long walk on water
You heard me wrong

If I heard you wrong how is my huh inappropriate

I didnt slur my words  I enunciated them unmistakably 

Easy Youre getting a little heated

Im always a little heatedyah

Yes You run hot

I do A blunt Huh is irritating

Im sorry

Apologies when yave nothing to apologise for is irritating

Im just irritating the hell out of you arent I

You are

What did you say

Are you listening

Im listening

I said Think Im going to take a long walk on water

Thats what I said

No  No you didnt

Thats what I said

No You said I think I thinkI think  I think  Im going to take a long walk on water

My Think implies I think  I dont have to say I  Do I

No

No  Its a pet peeve of mine  Isnt it

Yes

Yes You stroked my pet peeve If my pet peeve was a guardian Shepherd she would have eaten your hand

Yah

Yes

Thank you for the facile agreement

Facile

Ah you are listening

I was being ironic pulled back hard so I didnt cross over into sarcasm

You must be aware Im in a bad mood 

A long walk on water sounded appealing when I thought it more so when I said it

Cool my heels 

A long walk on water would probably sufficeyah

Yes

Yes Me and Christ Helps knowing where the stones are  Matthew Mark and John hadnt a clue 

when he was irritated he went after sources of his irritation

          

1628,  Saturday,  8  9. 18

0826,  Sunday.  9  9. 18

The Dandy Warhols  Not Your Bottle  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mFHpRRVQAE  nice when its played over itself

his sister wouldnt have approved 

                                    in letters he wrote the date as the day and the month  it was September 6

which he deciphered as 6 9.  blatantly numerical   sexual

it wasnt that she was a prude it was rather that he fecklessly implied sex injected it inseminating anything and everything he wrote or said  no matter how obscure 

it was a knack 

he insisted it was wit

he loved painting things red  

it was always just a matter of timehe never relented  Wait for it Wait  Wait for it  he played conversations fingered them as if they were instruments inevitably strumming it with nuance or raucously jamming I GOT BLISTERS ON MY FINGERS!

his sister wasnt a prude 

she just wasnt one to admit her sexual proclivities -- hed insist the word was proclitives – she was private she wasnt willing to admit to her big brother no matter how often he gleefully pushed her  You know she said a gentleman wouldn’t ask or even suggest.

No  Not a gentleman  Though who the fuck thinks Im a gentleman OhHellNo

Ive always try to give you the leeway to embrace it.

Ohbaby Youve known me too long to waste your time You know me better than that love

So  Do I need remind you

Remind me?

Oh definitelyyes  Remind you

Remind me she said softly  Remind me of what?

Really

Your really befuddles me.

May I illuminate a moment youve obviously forgotten suppressed  I think you may have suppressed it

I've suppressed something?

Definitely

Okay, smarty pants, what am I forgetting . . rather, suppressing, as you say?

You’ll have to tell me.

I’m drawing a blank.

I love blanks Lemme fill in your blanksketch in broad linesin a few words  Im confident once I crack the door an you see it all will coming rushing back to you

So?

The suspense is killing me.

Precisely  I think Im enjoying this more than I should

Apparently an inside joke?

For now  Youll be with me in a moment

I’m waiting.

A party A really fucking boring party  You were fifteen Dating Rich 

Anything

Nope.

A good scrub baby  At an apartment complex a swimming pool 

Nope.
Nope

Lots of apartment complexes have swimming pools. We went to a lot of parties together. You always forgot how old I was.

You were mature

I looked mature.

Ohyeayadid

And so?

I  figured  we could liven it up   skinnydipping
Ohmy! And you got naked in the livingroom. In front of everyone.  Jesus.                                                       

Ah  Bingo  You remember

Aw, Jesus.

You really remember

Stop. I do, I do.

That may have been a bit much to throw you into  Im sorryI apologise

You said you were sorry then.

I did
You did.

Huh 

Yes. After the police broke it up.

You came up to me and held me as I cried.

Im sorry you cried But it was reallyreally nice to get those girls out of their clothes  I wasnt disappointed

You didn't disappoint a lot of those girls when you lost your clothes either.

Wha can I say  I lead by example

You do. 

I appreciated your apology. 
Now, if only you had taken the time to dress before you hugged me and apologized quietly in my ear.

Ah wasnt high on my list Youve always been high on my list

Thank you. I didn’t want you to think poorly of me because I didn’t skinnydip.

Honey. I changed your diapers  I wasnt interested in seeing you naked

I guess there’s that.

Indubitably Ohgoodness   You ought to say that baby  It feels real good in your mouth

This isn’t going anywhere sexual is it?

Indubitably  Are you kiddin

Indubitably.

Softer

Indubitably.

Nicehuh

Yes. I’ll give you that.

Ive told you havent I  Ive nicknamed my cock Indubitably
STOP.

she wasnt a prude  she was reserved   he assumed however she was like pulling the pin on a grenade
    

            

1732,  Thursday,  6  9. 18
1139,  Saturday,  8  9. 18

it was like herso very like her  she was a real lulu

                                                        she always used her pleases and thank-yous  she acknowledged people if they provided her a kindness  no matter if it was an incidental politeness she always had a grateful word and never assumed she was entitled to them

kind

considerate

compassionate

                     but if need be  confrontational

when Hospice delivered a bed to her home for her comfort when two Fire Department paramedics came to move her safely from the master bedroom into what had been her childrens bedroomwhen cancers annihilation screamed it was irreversible  she gratefully undauntedly acknowledged each and everyone who helped her   

she tearfully thanked her husband thanked her daughter thanked her son for their kindnesses  for caring for her over the past nine years  she thanked them for enabling her and supporting her battle

you wouldnt think youd thank your family that they would be therehandsdown  day by day supporting you as you had always supported themYOURE FAMILYYOURE FAMILY however her parentsher brothers and sisters saw it differently 

they were nowhere to be seen

the indictment was she deserved her cancershe brought it on herself

a fallacy of course

                    but fallacy is in the eyes of the beholder 

they must have thought cancer was communicable if they thought at all

her parents her brothers and sisters   dismal    pathetic

with family like that who needs enemies

one brother held out

                             he wasnt going to be right for a long time

1009,  Friday,  7  9. 18  one week later

Lukas Graham   7 Years   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHCob76kigA

“Trump says in an interview Friday with reporters aboard Air Force One that he believes the (New York Times) opinion piece critical of his leadership is a "national security" issue.”

carelessly what else is new omitting that not only is he a national security risk  but also a national embarrassment

just one more brazen instance

                                Mr FAKE PRESIDENT  You reap what you sow

1004,  Friday,  7  9. 18

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/the-latest-trump-wants-sessions-to-investigate-op-ed-writer/ar-BBN0ART?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDjlaN-X8-0

sometimes when a very hard thing is finished we pause  catch our breath  sigh   then catching our breath again we say out loud Its done

                          knowing it will never be done

whats to be done about that?

he hadnt consider that he was too busy trying to screw his head on rightthe treads werent having it

their before was different than afterwards

hed have to retread them and that wasnt a tool he could readily find

that is a tool Time made

                        and Times priorities and his were offset  he had no leverage

he would have to be patient

fortunately he was

1156,  Twosday,  4  9. 18

1611,  Thursday,  6  9. 18

he liked wordshow could anyone not like words  speciate yadon hear it that often  perhaps hear it as often as seeing it written

zottas (in excess of billionaires according to Cory Doctorows Walkaway pg 231) zottas (perfectly derogatoryhuh) zottas who thought they could speciate and overcome death (just when he thought we were having problems)

speciate to form or develop into a new biological species 

Money is the root of all Evil  speciate 

can ya imagine Money speciating

unfortunately he could it didnt seem recent politicians of either stripe had the balls to stomp some white immaculate manicured custommade suited nads letem know they had had their time in the Sun and it was about time we pulled back despite the Supremes  despite their warped logictheir legalistic thinking  Corporations are peopleHORSESHIT  their Money is free speech  the wag of their manufactured tongues

fucks

Indeed!  Christhe loved indeed 

he nearly loved indeed as much as he loved concur  to be able to say I concur or have someone concur with him was like a soft breathy kiss at ones ear  at their throat  foreplay  

vukojebina  a bit more guttural  though definitely not unworthy (also Walkaway pg 229)  Serbian/Croatian where wolves fuck

             unless one hasnt walked in a deep woods or enjoyed the Great Outdoors those Mickey Mouses would have to settle on bumfuck nowhere  or shithole  though not any African countries the American president coloured outside the lines with that unfortunate term 

but hes a shithead 

yacant expect much

                     yacant expect scintillating words to emerge from a mealymouthed corrupt fuck

for the record despite its corrosive power he really liked the word fuck   

he couldnt say how many times he used it and in the variety of situations he used it while fucking  to provoke while fighting  cheering  in sorrow  despair

in elation

a multiexpletive  sometimes words grow in peoples mouths

1037 to 1511,  Twosday, 28  8. 18

Theres something I have to do

Ill be back when Im back

Day-between-Two-Ts,  29  8. 18

as life dribbles away

                       would we rather it had happened in one fantastic gush? 

or would that now-impossible-fantasy neutralise or negate the desperate long hard-fought battle we waged for our life  ourselves  our families members   who never asked us to fightwe fought without them asking
we didnt have to  

our minds fought

our bodies fought   we neglected to recognise its fragility 

fighting  and failing

thats the questionisnt it the question those of us who are healthy rarely reflect uponwe rarely want to ever turn over that rock and see the natural decay the crawling bugs hidden beneath it   

a frank coercion stays our footprefers we NOT stir up a sleepy colony of ants hive of bees nest of hornets you must recognise your insectual analogy the creepycrawly infusion bore by reality our innate fear  lifes inevitability

our agonisinginhibiting factuality

we try our utter best to deny and defy

                                         denying and defying as much as we ignore the mechanical automation of our next breath

              until it catches in our throats and we gasp bugeyed

                                                                      that we assume will come because it has come thoughtlessly thanklessly the entirety of our lives 

                                          what? when it is suddenly abysmally scarce

and bugeyed we see farther and deeper than we have ever seen before

                                                                            because we are seeing our last    ?

as life . . . 

1558,  Sunday,  26  8. 18

a triangular spot of sun off a motefilled drift a ray of sunshine busting through the bathroom window struck the side of the tub as he swept the curtain aside to run a shower 

spray from the elaborate showerhead played on the acrylic wall above the tub and splashed and threw silverirradiated lines across the sunlights throat

                                  and seeing it he paused  the silverthreads incited him to thinkto wonder what it might be like if he could somehow fastforward through this hard time and rather live in its aftermath  of whatever he did or didnt do  the episodes pithed separated from any memory this time would otherwise make 

hide

       is that what he wanted to do  

simply contend with the aftermath asif he awoke from a comaa pregnant comma that stretched and enveloped however many days or weeks he reluctantly faced reluctant to inhabit  to live  suffer his inevitable heartachethe ratchet of his heartbreak   suddenlyemerging afterwards

hurtles hurtled

pain subsiding

easing

not very realistic 

cowardly

1705,  Sunday,  26  8. 18

0937,  Monday,  27  8. 18

thank you babe   Skylar Grey  Intro – Wilderness  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYnVg2cgVNg