wrioting

                     disillusionment

                                                                                                                                                                                   delusion

disillusionment

he knew it was  he knew it was as he wokehis eyes blurry  woke  and  watched  the texturing on the wall at his feet melt  go flaccid without blemish  serenely flat    hardmirror flat

                                                              the sunlight falling on it moments beforerevealing its blemishes now glances and reflects and sees itself on the wall adjacent at his right painting a concise rainbowribboned arc as if it were revealed through a prism

he knew that was disillusionment

                                   for yet in a hypnagogic phase or fashion he rightly knew that the driedmud smeared on plasterboard for texture beneath the paint could not melt like bits of congealed butter  he knew that he willed it he smoothed it with his mind and willingly saw it 

he did not actually see it

had he seen it

he would have deluded himself

                              and his reasoning was too acutetoo raw to ever actually see something that was not there

his roommateshis ghosts were there

                                   their breaths on the back of his neckon his facemaking him flinch like a babehis name said audiolised perhaps kin to idolised idol-eyed idolatry giveidleatry they made him giddyspooks can do that  and just when sex was thought primeval to males giddy their goofy fuckfaces declaring Im cummin!  a spookll do that
a suckubus  an incubutt theyll make you put chewed gum where you wouldnt chew it again

they were his frenetic reality

                            not frantick disillusionment

not Somewhere Over the Rainbow delusion coloured Oz blackandwhite Kansas tapping rubyred slipperheels together Theres no place like home Theres no place like home Theres no place like home

delusion

one worked hard to delude themselves aint talking psychoticbreaks like windows psychicslips on ice or bananapeels

the first time he saw The Wizard of Oz he didnt see the coloured OZ until he shared the movie with his daughters in the 80s Awcomon  The tornado would have eaten her alive

SHUSH! Watch the movie.

he relished the righteous apple trees nobody touched his fruit unless he wanted them to

   

lazy 1000ish in bed,  Sunday,  10  6. 18

1212,  Monday,  11  6. 18

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nauLgZISozs

why call it a summithow is it possibly called a summit a rose by any other name . . . other than the principals indulging themselves and they call it a summit   

a summit  once an achievement  can apparently be determined and attained by nothing more than synchronised chin music saying so

this summit this illustrious high bar is difficult to crawl under  and was nothing more than an international photo-op the worlds media acting like paparazzi they covered a farce  and by their coverage they helped legitimise it  they helped legitimised a couple of  of  playground thugsSTOP suppose Shakespeare gets his due again  a playground = all the world is a stage  correction  a playground thug and a wannabe thug  though he hadnt seen any inclinations the president would have family members executedSTOP

the shenanigans were a staged dog and pony show convened for the principals their array of cohortscowhorets

amounting to nothing more than a televised preening of individuals intent on themselvestheir countries be damned

the few moments he looked in on itpeeking through a glory hole they punched in the wall  what he saw was mutual unabashed simultaneous tugging at the others dick their eyes starry blinded by the spotlight they assume history shines     

The Supreme Leader would be very hard to unseat

The President already has a one foot a portion of his posterior and the end of his tie out the door

2216,  Twosday,  12  6. 18

0954,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  13  6. 18

952 days remaining or fewer

hed been calling homenot really home  the house his parents lived in hed always call homenever having a house of his own  homehis childhood home  was razed by a polack builder who kept his feelers outcertainly wasnt his ear to the ground who learned his that parents bid on a house had been acceptedobviously it was their intention to use the proceeds from the sale of their house to acquire their new home  the polack used their excitementfinally finding a new place to leverage the abolishment of a clause that they required the polack accept  requiring him not to tear down the house  the once sole house on hundreds of acres of farmland  the farm house of a farm sold and divvied up into lots and thereby makingcomprising the neighbourhood he grew up in 

when he was a kid there were many undeveloped lots in each block of the neighborhood holes between homes   

the kids called them prairies  prairies of shoots of trees of grassland stands of trees  cobbled forts childish intrigues holds  keeps safe places  refuges to recline in small campfires at their sprawled feet  loose shoelaces that begged like wicks to powder kegs

hed been calling home regularlyhis folks hadnt been well

his siblings werent attentivebitched how faraway the folks had moved and frankly they didnt see it was their obligation to check in on them They made their bed. They could lie in it.

his perspective was different

he reminded them they took years and years of free childcare free meals for their children free overnights free laundry free bussing to and fro different schools freeing them up to work so they could save money to buy the houses they lived in

That was their choice they countered

You asked them for their help

They could have said no.

No  Im the only one in this family who says no  Youre fucking polacks the kind of polacks that should have tipped off his parents to the polack they sold their house to                   

ingrates 

thieves

a polack gets away with calling Polish people polacks as Black people get away with calling their own niggers  dont ever feel free to racially disparage someone  its reason enough to have your face broke  bring it before the Lawcunt more than reason enough to have your throat cut   betraying your manhoodyour womanhood

hed been calling home regularly  then amid that in storage he was keeping storage for his daughterstheir thingstheir mothers things things for them to sort throughdecide to keep or not   it was only money 

his money

in storage he recovered a small bowling ball that had always been hished taken with him when he left home last century

it was his ball

yet he never understood why it was hiswhy his siblings hadnt their own balls

he was keenly aware of thatkeenly aware of the  animosity   what the ballwhen present configured in them  resentment  detest  Why him?which was the same as Why not me?

they were greedy even as children

so calling home he finally asked his motherhe would have asked his father if his father wasnt napping  Tell me about my bowling ball Ive known it to be mine always but I dont know why I dont know the back story

We haven’t told you?

You haventthough Ive never asked either 

Oh goodness. That was a baby gift to you from Cliff and Al, their wives Mugs and Vera. Your father bowled on North Avenue at Cliff and Al’s lanes, don’t ask me, I don’t remember the name of the alley, but we had a fond affection for them, we used to take you as a baby to their tavern and restaurant at the southeast corner of Golf Mill when the shopping center was being built, I can’t remember the name of the restaurant either, it’s been torn down now, but they thought you were, thought you were the berries. Bob’s baby. Karol’s baby. Hope you make more babies, because if this one is any indication of what might follow they would be worth having.

Did they have children

No. They didn’t. But they certainly fell in love with you. The ball’s called a duck ball, used with duckpins. When you’re teaching a child to bowl that was the ball they used. They had that ball years and years before they gave it to you. They were older than your father and I, in their fifties, although the age difference between us didn’t matter, we were good friends, we certainly enjoyed each other’s company.

That’s the backstory to your bowling ball.

You ought to write it down so you don’t forget it.

1124,  Sunday,  10  6. 18

1710, Sunday,  10  6. 18

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/sports/duckpin-bowling.html

there are hundreds of billions of neurons in our brains

there are hundreds of billions of galaxies surrounding us

among the Milky Way alone there are an estimated ten million to a billion black holes

I think it is probable we have black holes in our heads supping on our lost thoughts and memories 

1355 text,  Monday,  4  6. 18

2206,  Monday,  11 6. 18

The Three Stooges

I cant believe the United States has allowed a slapstick team The Three Stooges Moe Curly and Larry to represent our interests in Singapore with North Koreas Kim Jong Un  

a preposterous liar  an enabler and sycophant  and a Johnny-Come-Lately National Intelligence advisor who is not only a sycophant but is also someone who relieslike the president only on their opinion  they couldnt give a rats ass what anyone else might think

I hope scribes are in the room with them recording for us their every word

I dont trust any of one of them to truly relate what was said in the room

1527 text,  Monday,  11  6. 18

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UDu4IEkPPI  

cunt would have us believe hes been preparing all his life for this meeting with North Koreas Kim Jong Un: https://www.msnbc.com/brian-williams/watch/what-to-expect-from-trump-s-high-stakes-summit-with-north-korea-1251807299517

kestrel  falcon  hawk 

                        one of the three 

Handsome hed known handsome women so he figured if the raptor were a female she wouldnt take offence to him telling her  

shehe looked down on him from herhis perch on a swaying liquoriceblack electrical line adjusting to the lines movement subtly  not giving their balance whoa  whoa whoawhoa   whoa lipservice 

whoas not so elegant for so elegant a creature

if he stood on the line beside herhim despite his sense of balance his keen athleticism  a slick wavering a sudden wind at his back would drop him like a stone

Dont look at me that wayyou got wings

maybe it wasnt a look of haughtiness  maybe pity

shehe was gorgeous

he had glanced up from his book in time to see the flurry arching through the sky across the intersection and enter a live oak treetop ten metres off the road the intersection was noisy busy he could never figure out how this sprawling rural township generated the kind of traffic it didimpatient traffic quick at their horns quick with their violating fingers though he had to acknowledge it was a highway-signed gas exit off the 101 and the 101no matter where along its length and breadth was a mad caustic artery of GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY funnier he thought that that mentality also reigned at its clotted urban junctures despite therm being bumper-to-bumper

he managed to catch the flurry of feathers enter the oaks spacey green and brown canopy

he considered it was a big pigeonthere was a sizable kit of escaped carrier pigeons aloft and roosting in the area

then suddenly it exploded out of the treeleaves rustling and swooped up onto a bellied electric line hung between decrepit woodpoles bearing crooked nailsrusting nails thin staplestatters of paper posters as if they served as personal kiosks for every Tom Dick or Harrys garage sale missing pets or lonelyhearts pleano shame

shehe landed directly above his headswinging the line negotiating its momentary physics then fixing itself like an immovable brick

looking up he turned and backpedaled Dont shit on me until he had a good angle to admire shehe

it tilted its beaklooked over its breast wideeyed  the thin lizard crepe around them peeled back  an ocular moment
and when one makes eyecontact with the beast one feels the beast inside them slither uncomfortably were humans were supposed to be beyond slithering we reticulaterespond at a hot bloodred cellular level we can smell sweat sulphur earth iron taste gall and bile bitter blackcrystal vomit from the well deepdeep inside us   reptilian   coldbloodied  liberating   he wasnt going to break off this visual interlewd   

a spider crawling in his brain tickled him as he wondered what shehe might be thinkingwhat ran through their brain  something dynamic did  dumbluck goodfortune isnt spread to creatures who have to kill to live

What are you thinking

The shit you creatures take for granted  the things you big strong bipedal freaks do  and call life

shehe shruggedfeathers curled I have to find something to eat shehe crouched . .

. . No Leaving  I could stand here all day admiring you . .

. . and shat  then launched themselves through the live oak itd come from and wings widespread took the updraft the hill before it forced on the air currents riding a wide invisible wash he couldnt imagine or see         

1243 text,  Monday,  4  6. 18

1409,  Saturday,  9  6. 18

Tricky  Wash My Soul  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtBdFFyuhf8

John Bolton 

I detest him 

I have enmity for sociopaths he and the signatories of the Project for a New American Century (Kagan Kristol Kheney . .hey . .doesnt that . . .)   

Bolt–On  Strap-on Snap-on 

I better stick with Bolt-On though  I dont wish to obscure or minimise products or namesakes that happen to have the misfortune to share homogeneous names he could be  hes certainly trying to make up for something a slight a feeling of inadequacy look at me  lil olde rumourmaker me  

today I happened to read a quote in Rovellis The Order of Time I have to admit I didnt think Id stumble on a poem in a book relating to the physics of Time

the Persian poet Saadi Shiraz

All of the sons of Adam are part of one single body.

They are of the same essence.

When time afflicts us with pain

In one part of that body

All the other parts feel it too.

If you fail to feel the pain of others

You do not deserve the name of man.

the poem is enshrined at the entrance to the UN building in New York

I rarely see anything in media that draws us back to Bolt-On serving as Bushs recess appointment to the UN as our US ambassador particularly regarding his remark “If it (the UN building) lost ten stories, it would't make a bit of difference.” The UN building has thirtynine storeys to what twentyfive percent of the assembled onehundredseventy nations was he referring

he does not deserve the name of man 

Bolt-On will have to suffice in lieu of other derogatory names that tickle my tonguestick in my crawintrude on my senses whenever I hear or read his name or see his face a gag reflex

1532,  Twosday,  5  6. 18
1557,  D-Day,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  6  6. 18

https://www.democracynow.org/2005/3/31/john_bolton_in_his_own_words

they were stonedraving stoned

fuckin giddy

their intimate little gaggle of freaks had finally gathered

itd been awhile since they had

statelines had come between them coopted crawled in and separated themthough utterly voluntary  it wasnt a separation without cause they chased their dreams with abandon  

and with abandonnow together again years to catch up on they absconded to his hilltop house high above and faraway from people who couldnt possibly fit the bill because they didnt come from where they hadhadnt the allnight beach parties to sunrise on Key Biscayne fucked each other and also the willing sycophants they brought into their mix but either found them wanting or the sycophants found them too raw         

yahthey were unabashed irreverent they held that lifes but a joke a comedy club cant take a joke a bad jokegroan then stay the fuck awayPLEEASE they left nothing in their wake unscathed or unscorched like the fire at the end of their fatties  then a quick twist or roll of the wrist snuffed it and they kept on tokin

he was the gang leader of sorts

he was the one who repelled deep into himself on the scantiest lines or flung himself up into the heavens on slender tethers ahead of everyone while everyone awaited his return  sometimes betting he wouldntthough they never told him awaiting his return to say what he thought of his trip before they embarked  if they dared embark

those who didnt go got his trademark Pussy  but then he neverhe really never said anything furthur  he relished To each his own and because he did he didnt judge  though humourously he allowed himself that single jabthat one push in the back  Pussy

candles were burningseveral had been replaced incense seeped a fire burned in the fireplace records turned his fellow freaks were always amazed how he could lay the needle down in between songs to hear exactly what they wanted they imbibed what they would and at his rages heightwhen he could no longer restrain himselfhe had to act out that which projected itself onto the big fucking screen inside his headengulfing his brain projected in lavish Cinemascope and ultravivid Technocolour

Just go with me he shouted Who am Iwho am I  Ill be right back

he went up the hall to the bathroom turned on the shower got into it fully dressed stripped got out leaving his clothes in a sodden heap brusquely dried himself wrapped the towel at his hips grabbed his girlfriends hairbrushshe left it for when she stayed overnight and emerged into the hallAwrightAwright into the livingroomYa gotta imagine Im fat fatwhaddafuck am I talking aboutIm fuckin obese Im lapped in slabsgot a fupa one of the gals howled Not cool youre notyoure built! hard to imagine fat while lookin at you Then do your bestIm enormous wear my blonde hair sweptback a hairdresser works with me every morninggot a fulltime makeup staff to preen me tooAwright?Awright!  Im standing in front of my full length mirror singing he held the hairbrush up to his face  Im admiring myself in itAwright

setting the brush aside he squats before his record shelves goes through them finds the album hes looking for stands and at the recordplayer seamlessly lifts the needle removes Zappas Dinah-Moe-Hum turns the album lays the needle between the third and fourth tracks and spins to his expectant cohorts behind himnearly loses his towelrecinches it holds the hairbrush to his mouth again and slowly begins moving his hips with the songs tempo singing with Sinatra Irresponsible  peppered with Indispensable and Exceptional

they howl

then they howl CUNT!   

                       his tribe knows his pet name for Drumpf  ahTrump

1057,  Thursday,  7  6. 18

Sinatra  Irresponsible  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WciZzNSgGOI

Zappa  Dinah-Moe-Hum  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4hzVpYAP-U

he was a fool he wrote

                            those leave however remained still unmoved   weighted by real death

really

he walked away from them after their performance after waiting a considerable timeenough time to draw motorists to him as he stood along the road was he okay  Yes I am  Thank you Im fine  some he had to insist Really Im fine Please  I very much appreciate you stopping but I am fine 

when he did walk away he walked backwards some fifty metres or better watching for the slightest hint that they would movethat they would act like all the other leaves that afternoon knocked aboutbuffeted by the breeze swirling and moving on eddies whipped into the gutters swallowed by the storm drains flung into the mowed grass field beyond the old barbed wire fence strung on rotting posts

they did not move 

they laid fast as if nailed to the earth on shoulder of the road

returning the following day he passed around them on his way back and forth from the gym

and the next day

and the next

with a stick he scribbled quick circles around themfifteen pairs to claim where they laywhere they collapsed at the end of their performance

the next day too

they didnt decay they didnt fray he did not bend to touch them to test if they were more supple or brittle

they were constant

real death?

and when he finally convinced himself of their real death  while lying in bed beside his girlfriend listening to her rhythmic breathingwatching her breathsconcentrating on the rise and fall of her uncovered breasts her nipples quickening to a sudden breeze through the window screentiptoeing across them the breeze ceased her nipples relaxedrecovered their repose  when he convinced himself the leaves were weighted with real death and he didnt have to concern himself any longer with the poses death inflicted on them understanding that death inflicted those poses on everyone and everything  

the following morning 

passing by them he confirmed for the last time they were unmoved they were rigid in death

then returning home after working himself very hardhis gait impairedalready his muscles protesting crossing up the block from them and closing in no wind to cool his body  the sun harsh  he saw their many pointsthe ends of their spars tremble and quiver then their bodies brightened even as a cloud threw its shadow across the street then they were surrounded by haunting auras halos and they lifted by pairs one at a time into the air rising like monarchs from milkweed crowns then turning like a vast constellation moving on one anothers gravity or bearing they twisted in and out of each other an elaborate threedimensional dance higher and higher into the sky  drifted west when usually only easterly winds prevailed off the breast of the Pacific  climbing into the blue sky hued and shimmering pinpoints  they suddenly collapsedcoalesced into a singular bauble an entity
                                                                and disintegrated   

is real death then ashes to ashes dust to dust  ?

in the afternoon watching a swallowtail,  Twosday,  5  6. 18
1557,  Reggae Friday,  8  6. 18

Dale Cooper Quartet and Dictaphones  Son Mansarde  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkxM6mMSKNo

aah  he couldnt imagine anyone would disagree with himthat anyone would say there was a better dream than a good sex dream

he dreamt of his girlfriendhis lover  his partner who had to be absent to contend with unfortunate circumstances

he was left holding down the fort  much to the dismay of the ferals  she was the favorite

they spoke every day and last night after a particularly difficult day she told him You always make me feel whole again.

I remind you youre whole baby You just havent the time to think it What youre up against is difficult

Thank you. I worry sometimes that you’ll go awaydisappear  that you aren't real, I made you up.

Im very real And when you come home Ill remind you how real I am


before hanging up she sighed
                               Oh my goodness, I’m so sleepy, exhausted. Tomorrow, baby, I love you so very much. I hope I have good dreams of us, and you.

Sweet dreams buckwheat Ill join you there I love you through and through

he didnt go to sleep right off when they hung up

he pulled out the only photograph album she ever assembled of them That wasn't easy she said If it’s okay with you I’ll just keep the photographs in their envelopes in chronological order in shoeboxes.

the album was remarkable exuded her personality in its margins she made remarks or small drawings it was a one-of-a-kind precious he offered that she take it with her but she said at the time he was so real in her head she didnt need any more pictures of him than the three she kept in her wallet

You have pictures of mewha pictures

I’ll show you when I come home. he grimaced like a little boy Don’t! I’m not giving in, no matter how fuckin’ cute you look when you pout.

I had to try

You did, it’s your job. My job is sticking to my guns.

It’ll give you incentive for my return.

she lie on her back naked beside a driftwood log

he thought she was covered with sandas if shed laid down after swimming in the sea  sheen and small dried clumps 

her hair was softly tangled like seaweed in a playful surf 

There you are Ive been looking for you
I've been watching you looking for me.

I feel like a prize

My prize.

Only your prize he said as he knelt with his knees to either side of her thighs

she was radiant

he ran his hand up her belly and clutched her breast

her breath came fast

he brought his hand up to his nose he smelled cinnamon and sugar  he licked it  it was

she smiled

Are you a cinnamon roll

You should try me.

he kissed her mouth her eyes her throat she sigh something he was deaf to because his blood was beating in his earsshe pulled at his cock through his shorts  his hearing reconnected she sighed I’m wet.

he gently kneaded her clit slipped his finger into her she felt inside like a warm cinnamon roll

slipping his tongue inside of her she tasted soft and warm like a cinnamon roll

to her breathlessness slipping his cock inside of her she felt like a warm cinnamon roll

he slipped out of her and moving up her bodyshe anticipated him and squeezed her ample breasts togetherFuck my tits.

he slid his cock between them and watched adoringly how she eyed himhis every thrust and his every thrust mirrored by her tongue licking her top lip her lower lip alternating

then he thrusted through her gripwhich she also anticipated and took his cock in her mouthher hands at his hipshis hips at her command at her tempo her mete  mete  mete  mete                                                                 

he slipped sidewisethen  onto his back flipping her on top of him
she turned bodilyquickly
they went sixtynine                                                                                            

she quit at his cock and took it in her handgrinding his mouthhis tongue with her pussy huskily she said Mmmbaby, you taste like cinnamon.

he couldnt say he hmmhmmd

then she couldnt say she hmmhmmd

they didnt cum

they erupted

0704 wakened and 1136,  Twosday,  5  6. 18

Neil Young  Cinnamon Girl  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAdtUDaBfRA