19.5.16



she had an answer for everything

whether it was correct wasnt important


her answers hinged on themes

God would see that she was cared for

she prayed to Him

she did her rosary every day

a priest came to her home because she was too ill to attend church and listened to her confessions and provided her contrition



he wondered how that worked what she could possibly confess

for all intents and purposes she was a shut-in

she shut herself in

over years she refused to do the things that were common sense and necessary to aid her health

her failures then were now contributing to her dire circumstances



she prayed fervently to God

she prayed that He help provide for her table rent money water gas electricity telephone and entertainment(she was a shut-in)

and when people unwittingly stepped into the fold that unfolded month after month after month she regarded them as agents of the Lord

she thanked Him profusely for their largesse

she scarcely acknowledged those flesh-and-bone beings who augmented her necessities

he couldnt remember when last she thanked an agent to their face


See she said God works in mysterious ways


yah he thought somehow I dont believe He minted the money people carried in their pockets wrote bank checks against or fashioned their plastic credit or debit cards


she knew without hesitation or thought that her benefactors were the Providence of God


God
    he said the last time he put money down on the barrelhead for her

he attached conditions to it

she would have to make changes to her finances if she accepted his money


when she blew him off as he expected she would he telephoned and told her she burned the bridge between them

Never never ask me again for money he said God  God   Gods a pedophiliac
If Tom DeLay and forty Ali Baba thieves of Republican politics know that God knows whats in Denny Hasterts heart
Who am I to debunk them

Never tout God to me


she tried on apoplectic

but to her rising ire her appalled voice he said Buhbye into his handset and hung up


he supposed it wasnt too steep a price to pay to finger her as a liar a cheat and a follower of a Pederast

not a bad days work for an infidel or pagan though hed hop the pagan rail because it set in stone rarified for him that she had no intentions of payin back what she owed


Hallelujah  Praise the Lord

if she and her ilk kept at it thered be nothing in collection plates or baskets
then when the Vatican was forced to sell off its considerable booty it called Treasure and the Days of Gospel handed down from Pope to Bishop to Cardinal to Archbishop to Priest floundered as many other Hierarchies who picked Peoples pockets ought to fall flat on their faces

ah he thought one more useless thing scraped off his plate


from the Outside
              perhaps he might seem cruel
though Outside
             what the fuck did they know who the fuck did they think they were
he wasnt soliciting opines
the last thing hed ever do was ask anyones opinion of what they thought he should do

he had access to learned mens words

he loved how experts disagreed

then it was a matter for him his obligation to vet them determine how they dressed

there was too much written from too many angles to be obscured
too many shills  too many stuffed pockets  too many failed strategies

those with their equity demolished whose mouths should have been sewn shut tight  he supposed all he had to do was get a good whiff of the air around them

you never forget once youve smelled a rat


yet for the true believers the faithful they ragged on and on

they didnt need to know their arse from a hole in the ground  they didnt have to it wasnt their responsibility




another of her answers to everything

all a woman really needed was to find a good man(she didnt qualify what good meant)

marry

and have lots of babies

Horseshit he said

babies like deadbolts he mused deadbolts one over the other descending towards the floor aligning the peekhole between them and the ironworked oiled hinges opposite

Security he asked Any woman afforded a string of deadbolts might likely have the world by the balls huh

though few men he knew were worthy the title of the world

he couldnt help himself Nah he couldnt restraint himself

the thought that she opened her mouth to share such drivel provoked him I must be an easy mark

he wasnt one to ever be called the bigger man or the better person humility meekness didnt thrive in the susurrating petri dish that he was

anything that flew in the face of the truth or sought to tarnished its common tin crown he was on it

he looked to smack it down diligently and in the most obsequious obscene manner he could devise

he couldnt tolerate the tone-deaf silence in the wake of a lie or misstatement which alluded to him its hearers acquiescenced

Excuse me he said

she glared at him

that was the best he could hope for as her acknowledgement

Didnt you have a miscarriage before your first husbands death and then three children from three different failed marriages

she glared

I have to urge that your living example defies the strategy you profess  Your perception is skewed
                                                                               Wouldnt you
she glared

I mean  Wouldnt you
If you have to have a deadbolted door to keep a man inside it
Where are your men

It seems youve managed only to tenaciously hang onto their byproducts by hoodwink

her glare erupted like a flame from a gunbarrel How dare you

Dare  You say I dare

You are a miserable man

Miserably honest yes but my dare is implicit to your deadbolt children and absent husbands

I understand my temerity Do you understand yours  Synonyms cheek gall presumption audacity



another of her answers
                    God will smite you

If He does Hell have to be mighty sharp I aint a sitting target by no means




1441,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  18 5. 16
 0940,  Thursday,  19  5. 16

17.5.16



his pain reminded him of his bilateralness

which isnt something one usually thinks of
                                  EVER


but if he were cut stem to stern his skull the stem his asshole stern(yes yes  he had a stern asshole  if plucked hed be at whomevers throat had plucked it  his snapband wasnt to be fiddled with without dire consequences
unless of course he chose to have it fiddled  which wasnt unpleasant)


his pain incited an apathy which disgusted him

he was a passionate sort


his pain also rendered him to bide time which again wasnt something he would ever wish to admit    

though negotiating his pain he bided bit by bit 

it was in his knees and hips and wrists(his shoulders would have worked their way into the equation except one wasnt real  he had a cyborg replacement(arthroplasty) his humeral head was titanium his socket medical-industrial plastic
there was no way inflammation could conduct itself like a cold blue knife and wound his artifice) 

lopsided  only his remaining shoulder was painful 

which that was a blessing

as a onearmed man is blessed to have one arm


people dont often think of their natural blessings
they were oblivious to their obvious entitlement 

and when he presented that their common attributes were worthy of the term entitlement he reminded himself of a Faulkner line Intruder in the Dust: “its only men who burk at facts”

burk meaning murder by smothering

it was abstracted from William Burk who was executed in Edinburgh 1829 for murdering several people to sell their bodies for dissection

he could suppose that his words and consideration were a kind of dissection
though in his cutting he found that men preferred to hang on their words  they would double down deny or equivocate the reality of facts 

they argued if there was a universality to truth


he learned -- no surprise -- that children werent as ignorant as men and women who were undebased by men also were typically not as ignorant

men were like swine to mud

it wasnt that he was trying to be unkind to them

rather he admitted he was being unkind to the ignorance which inhabited them




he detested his apathy
detested biding his time

tock   tick    tock    tick    tock    tick    tock    tick    tock    tick    tock    tick    tock    tick    tock
pains honeydrip malaise
its Here and Now begrudging refusing to move along as if it recognised in its departure the next and the next and the next Here and Nows would desecrate its story defile its cave paintings deface its petroglyphs or perhaps it would never be recalled by his punk simian walnut


he knew he was doneup chained and shackled in his biding and apathy and the only way he could think better of himself was at very least that he could admitted them and his admission his awareness of them that then he might be able to minimise alter their effects on him and in his relationship with those around him for who he truly cared

as he saw it his fortune was immense
because he rarely found himself around the people he cared for 

an introvert a recluse possesses that distinct singularity arrangement advantage


he apologised 
            I feel bad Perhaps the next time I will be well and involved not nursing such distracting wounds

he hoped they accepted his apology
he didnt wish them to ever think he preferred or chose to abrogate how they felt

he was after all a passionate sort


   

Saturday evening,  14  5. 16
1436,  Twosday,  17 5. 16

13.5.16



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4A510q-a10  Desiderii Marginis  --  The Love You Find In Hell/Stolen Silence


the wooden Indian bust  irreparably split  going the way all things were meant to go eyed him  walleyed magnificently  then comically   insisting he already knew what he was to do
                                                                Do what your nature intends you do

Do not be corrupted by the fallacies of education or roles or delivered by laws which once incited  then enforced  have not ultimately sought to be a unifying justice for All
                                                  
It is only a construct weakly-knitted which has over time been lauded and exalted  but only by its Collective 
a Hive mindset who watch themselves reflected in sterling silver handmirrors as they groom  as they groom their right to capitulate as they submit to Authority that only few can possibly hope to attain  and when those have attained it they assume they are above the roles and laws created before them and those that they will create

Lawmakers  some call them(they call themselves)



he implored the hoary Indian  What would you have me do

mutely the Indian answered  What you would do

                                            he knew of course what he would do without his confrere
he had wondered only wondered and sought the ancient One out to attest to his Spirit attest to the correctness of what would be his action

STUPID
of course he knew what was incorrigible

when the reckoning came
             when the culprit the weasel satiated with the artificiality of their shared society and culture came
hed split his breast with his heavy honed blade
hed cut out his heart
and begin eating it
relishing it
as the light in his eyes still remained
and flickered with the realisation there was no retreat
no going back on the action he provoked
which he thought that he and his malintention were safe under  and protected

the weasel was more stupid that he



he left his cold body in full view




he left it as a lesson for everyone to digest



1606,  Thursday,  12  5. 16